Wonkette
The January 20 four-million Obamatard march, otherwise known as “Inauguration Day,” will combine the fun of being stranded outside during an ice storm with the excitement of being killed by the homeless or maybe the Army as Barack Obama is safely sworn in at a secure, warm location with plenty of fancy food and cocktails. And because it’s all happening in Washington, D.C., you can bet the public services and coordination will be top-notch!
It is a historic thing, etc., and it’s understandable that so many people would want to descend upon our nation’s rat-filled freezing miserable capital to “witness” the inauguration of America’s first Hawaiian president. But also, you are a FOOL to come anywhere near this place, on January 20, 2009. You would be more comfortable in Kabul, dead from a car-bomb.
The worst crowd disaster in the National Mall’s history was the doomed Bicentennial Celebration of 1976 — the infamous “Bicentennial Meltdown” when more than a million people were stuck in cars and buses on a sweltering July weekend. The tragic two-hundred-year birthday party for America was just about what you would expect for the mid-1970s.
But America is even worse now, and there are even more people, and everything always sucks more, year after year, plus it is also the New Great Big Depression, so historians say a much more likely scenario for January 20 is what happened during the summer of 1932, when tens of thousands of hungry Army veterans marched on Washington to demand bonus pay promised by Congress.
Instead, MacArthur and Patton and Eisenhower led a savage attack against their own fellow soldiers, wounding hundreds of veterans with poison gas, wooden clubs, swords and bayonets. MacArthur’s brutal assault even killed the infant child of a hungry veteran.
Something similarly grim is certain to happen on January 20.
Can Mall Be Filled For an Inauguration? 4 Million May Try It [Washington Post]
I’m going to view it from the comfort of my friend’s office on the Hill - with water balloons and tomatoes.
What? Are they expecting to drown Dumbya in the Reflecting Pool? I would go if that was going to happen.
Why the hell would anyone go to D.C. in November?
People are weird. WEIRD I tells you.
The homeless won’t be a problem — why do you think the Secret Service welds the manhole covers shut that day?
Obamorons are like weebils: They get back up every time they are knocked down.
Friends are trying to get me to go. I think I’ll watch it on a flat screen in sunny California. Maybe plan a themed dinner: argula and frisee salad with goat cheese, Chicago-style deep dish pizza, mai tais, a big-O hope cake, etc.
shortsshortsshorts: uhhhhh….shorts, november?
Cape Clod: It’s only a simulated drowning. Unlike what they’re gonna make him do to the chicken. (Don’t worry, he’s a frat boy — this won’t be his first time).
See, only Hitler or our new SocialistMuslinAntiChristCommie president could get that many people to go to Dee Cee in the winter.
I plan on celebrating in the same fashion as Election night. way too drunk way too early with my girlfriend way too angry. Who won the election again?
shortsshortsshorts: really? november?
shortsshortsshorts: Worse: January.
I want to go to this from Canada City, but I figure even the bums on the street are going to be charging Forty Eleventy Billion dollars to sleep in their laminated cardboard boxes and spoon them for warmth for a couple of nights.
monty: Oh my Gawd I am retarded. I need to think more.
shortsshortsshorts: You are retarded. RETARD.
I used to live in Tacoma Park, back in the good ol’ halcyon days of group houses, neo hippie stores and the co op. Ah…radical lesbians and vegans…good times. Anyhoo, DC was a pain in the ass then. Terrible surface streets, bizarre road closings at strange times. Good Metro, though.
Went back during the Reagan funeral (on accident, had a trip scheduled and had to go anyway). So there are THOUSANDS of Reagan lovers on the mall. Lines backed up from the capital to the Hirschorn to see a likely empty casket. Metro was swamped. Hotels booked. Traffic stood still. The surface streets were still bad and I thought to myself, wow. I don’t know how people still manage this. I expect the inauguration will be a gazillionty times worse. I plan to watch from the comfort of my living room.
shortsshortsshorts: I think a bag of dicks might be on the lunch menu today shorts.
I prefer my nuts hot and buttered.
Geez, Ken, you always look on the bright side.
shortsshortsshorts: loook on the bright side as far as retarded goes your only mildly afflicted, the gop vp candidate on the other hand has made a career out of going full retard on a daily basis. i’m not sayin you could be the gop vp candidate but…..i can think of worse ways to spend 2011 and 2012, plus they give you a clothing allowance. 1500k is alot of hookers and blow, and clothes too. and hell you can get your stumpspeeches off starbux cups.
choinski: You’re never gonna keep us down.
monty: And you get to horde large caverns of underage boys. Is that a good thing?
They better get their giant puppets dry cleaned now.
I love those souvenir crack pipes decorated with the presidential seal.
Perhaps some “helpful” locals when asked for directions to “the Mall” can guide 4 million people to Pentagon City.
NoWireHangers: Wow, you must be a rich couger! Wanna play?
As a half-assed writer looking for shit to scratch into the page, this sounds good to me. HST would be there, so that’s enough for me!
(though he’d have a usable press pass and whiskey)
monty: yeah, setting aside the fact that the Inauguration is in January, when DC is foul (rain, 37 degrees), November is actually quite nice here. Trees still colorful and lots of crisp sunny days with cool nights.
I was planning on going down to DC, and still have a spot reserved on the floor of the apartment of a friend who works for a New Jersey congressman. This is making me reconsider going, and maybe putting that spot on eBay where Obamatards are sure to pay me several thousand dollars for it.
Oh HEY, you forgot to mention that the gun ban in DC IS NOT LONGER AROUND! Bullet hold for everyone everywhere!
Why do I have a sudden urge to watch “The Warriors”?
NoWireHangers: Good idea for a Hopey-themed meal. You forgot the falafel (to represent the terrorist muslin half of him) and the borscht (to stand for our Communist future).
One objection - Mai Tais were invented in California. Blue Hawaiians, however, are actually from Hawaii.
Oh MAN. If only we’d never found out that Blair Hull likes to beat on women, this whole mess could have been avoided: http://urbzen.com/2008/11/18/history-is-just-a-series-of-accidents-in-time/
whore4hope: What i like to do is, when people with Texas plates ask directions to the White House, i put them on Pennsylvania Avenue but send them to Anacostia.
DarkSynergy: I SO wish that I could spell. Hasing a sad right now.
Off topic a bit, but has anyone seen Joe Biden since he went into Chaney’s lair?
Also, ladies, you might want to wear Depends, so you don’t have a Port-a-Potty frozen to your arse until in melts off in March.
Remember folks, you can’t spell slaughter without laughter!
By the way, Ken. Why you always hatin’ on DC? We have to live here and are not privileged to have a multi-acre, McCainesque ranch in Area 51.
shortsshortsshorts: January.
magic titty: Harry S Truman is going to be there? Ain’t he, er, deadish?
Call me for the Million MILF March.
DarkSynergy: Yeah, Ken slipped up on his usual ‘remember to pack heat’ caveat.
Do you think the Bitters’ tears will freeze?
4tehlulz: Caaaaaaaaan Yooooooooooou Diiiiiiiiiiig Iiiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttttt!
It’s almost as if this Ken Layne guy is a bearded recluse living in an isolated desert compound.
SayItWithWookies: I like to think the most fitting end to Bush’s term would be to have an angry mob of 4 million people chase his limo out of town. There is just something breathtaking about the phrase, ‘An angry mob of 4 million people.’
Cape Clod: he would have to be tarred and feathered for dramatic effect.
jagorev: this made me remember that ‘half breed muslin’ guy (not the one on his way to the white house). what happened to that guy? did his head explode? did he move to iraq? did he take out a group of pre-schoolers?
probably he just had another beer, but still, i would like to know. didn’t someone here live in his neighborhood? not that i want to gloat or anything.
oh wait. Yes, yes i do want to gloat.
NoWireHangers: If you’re shy, don’t let anyone see your big-O hope face…..
jagorev: Thanks for the tip. I must perfect my menu.
freakishlystrong: I wish I were a rich cougar. Unfortunately, I’m about 25 years too young and my debt is holding me back. I also dumper dive for arugula…
Thank god we have global warming now and the weather will be a lot warmer than during the Reagan inauguration. Now that was a cold day in hell.
StripesAndPlaids: Hey Stripey, Takoma hasn’t changed much, it’s more expensive but as flaky as ever. The city council recently passed a resolution banning fois gras because it’s terrible to the geese. Of course we don’t even have a decent pizza place, much less the kind of restaurant that would serve fois gras, so it’s empty posturing. But on the plus side, we were one of the first towns with an official resolution in favor of impeaching Bush and Cheney too I think. Hmm what else, oh the car of choice is no longer Volvo, it’s Prius. And if you use a gas lawn mower you get little lectures from the annoying neighbor or 3….
how are all these folks able to take off work on a Tuesd…. oh, right. The whole, no jobs thing.
btw, Will there be a “stoning of the devil” ritual during this Hajj? And will that devil be Deputy Dog Lieberman?
Deepthroat: Monday’s a holiday, anyway (MLK Day), so 4-day weekend!
Doglessliberal: Do you think Hopey can make it so that everyone gets off on MLK day? (in either sense)
Deepthroat: if anyone can, Hopey can.
I was there for the first Dubya inauguration, and that was a pain in the arse. At least if this one is a pain in the arse, everyone will be high on hopeyness. Or high on something.
Harry S Truman will not be there. However the statue of FDR from the memorial will come to life and crawl to Obama’s feet.
shortsshortsshorts: I find your retardedness strangely attractive.
A million overflowing porta-pottys cascading down Penn. Ave. during the parade. Yep, freedom is on the march!!
Scooter: Just juse [url=http://www.bumperdumper.com/]Bumper Dumper[/url] and the problem is solved. It goes handy with your TruckNutz.
Fuck, I don’t know how to use the code, but you got the idea anyway.
4 million people bumpin and grindin.Wow!
Jean Hotman, Marquis de Villers-St-Paul: OMG!
I.
MUST.
HAVE.
ONE!
While I appreciate your attempt at comedy by calling people Obamatards, it’s funnier to see a pro Obama ad running right next to the post.