Wonkette
According to Experts, the recently minted members of America’s middle class — the ones who got ARMs on their three-bedroom ranches in the exurbs and took out $600 a month car loans on their Ford Explorers and used credit cards to pay for their Starbucks Gargantua-chinos every morning — will now be sad hobos along with the rest of us. They will be the “former middle class.” But one traditionally neglected and sorely undervalued population should do quite well in the tough times ahead: sexy ladies of a certain age.
Recessions breed pessimism. That’s why birthrates tend to drop and suicide rates tend to rise. That’s why hemlines go down. Tamar Lewin of The New York Times reported on studies that show that the women selected to be Playboy Playmates of the Year tend to look more mature during recessions — older, heavier, more reassuring — though I have not verified this personally.
Perhaps this explains why half of the nation is still starbursting its shorts over Sarah Palin while the other half furiously defends her right to dress like slovenly trash while sitting poolside at exclusive resort hotels. Everyone loves Sarah Palin because she is the “reassuring” sex goddess of the New Depression.
The Formerly Middle Class [New York Times]
A Hemline Index, Updated [New York Times]
I don’t believe this for a minute.
If I didn’t have any money, I’d screw a cougar for a sandwich.
Two words–Jane Seymour. Mmmmmmmmmm.
Brooks is coming seriously close to admitting he has testosterone in his system. Who knew?
Great Depression II: Rise of the Cougars
DoctorCulturae: He acquired the testosterone thru anal injection.
I’m totally ahead of the curve - my girlfriend is older than me and I started dating her like 3 years ago.
You know, I’ve always had a secret crush on those young Mennonite lass’s you sometimes see shopping at Walmart in their bonnets and Litte-House-on-the-Praire pioneer-girl dresses.
So I have a feeling I’m going to be just fine during this coming depression.
Mommy!…..
The time to invest in Chico’s and White Zinfandel is NOW.
DYNASTY reference. Oh how teh gays will love this post. I’m going to stick around just to see if someone gets pushed into the pool.
Are “Gargantua-chinos” elitist fat lady mom-khakis?
DoctorCulturae: Hear that MomoDodo? It’s time for the NYT’s sole cougaress to pounce!
mmm,mmmmmmmmmm,mmm, I loves me some cougars
See what consolidating has done to us? Now we have Bozo the Clown as our mascot Governor. I miss the days of hawt dish governor Palin even more now. The fact that she represents the interests of a large faction of the American voter makes me cut myself.
So this year we can expect the Playmate of the Year to be 24 and 115 lb as opposed to 22 and 110 lb?
well, who doesn’t like more cushion for the pushin’? recession or not.
Wow. Too bad I’m married, I could rake it in.
“Bob Herbert is off today.”
We’re thinking MILFs, and David Brooks thinks he’s thinking MILFs, but really, this is David Brooks unconscious telling him that he finds transvestites very reassuring and comforting. They smell just like Dad.
I am *SO* not down with the lowering hemlines. Er. Up. Whatever. Actually, I don’t think hemlines have been that short for a very long time.
Also, it’s probably a reaction to the lowering birthrate: don’t want kids, find a cougar to not have kids with after sexy time. All unconscious. Hormones, you know. They control our every move.
> Playboy Playmates of the Year tend to look more mature during recessions — older, heavier, more reassuring — though I have not verified this personally.
Come on now Tamar, you have done plenty of “research”!
TGY: You don’t believe in free will?
I don’t know–I keep having sex with all of these hot 50somethings in Montgomery and Fairfax counties who are cheating on their worthless idiot husbands who are working 55 hours a week, so perhaps there’s some huge margin of error with this so-called “study.” There are plenty of hot 50something women out there willing to cheat on their husbands.
DOWN WITH PANTS! UP WITH SKIRTS!
AMERICANS: YOU NEED TO PAY ATTENTION TO THE FAT THIGHS DEMOGRAPHIC.
No fat, No thighs. Know fat, KNOW thighs.
Her thighs aren’t even fat, I don’t get why that was such a big deal with people yesterday.
Meh.
I don’t know if this was posted earlier or not, but today is, apparently, International Laugh at Joe Lieberman Day. Call Joe’s office and laugh at who ever answers the phone. It must be true; there is a web site.
http://laughatlieberman.com/
sanantonerose: Sorry, my tongue was firmly planted in cheek in my last post, or whatever the equivalent is in text. I was being sarcastic. Yes, I believe in brain over hormones.
wait, who is the Alexis Carrington of the recession?
‘Bout damn time, sez I.
older, heavier, more reassuring
Uh, because when there’s no food, someone who looks like she eats regularly tends to look sexier?
NoWireHangers: Win.
The cougar never changes her spots…
TGY: Just checking! haha
Perhaps this explains why half of the nation is still starbursting its shorts over Sarah Palin while the other half furiously defends her right to dress like slovenly trash while sitting poolside at exclusive resort hotels.
Half of this nation, or half of Wonkette’s commenters? Or is that the same thing?
Screw this gig. I’m going to shove a roll of toilet paper down the front of my pants to create “ambiance” and become a pizza delivery boy in an upscale suburban neighborhood, i.e., target-rich cougar environment.
So…fuck for prosperity?
I’m down with that.
I’ve lost my job, my house, my car, my kids, my wife, my savings, what am I gonna do? I WANT MY MOMMY!
Similar studies point out that an astounding 51 percent of lesbians are gay women, but that only 14.1 percent of all women over 40, approaching cougardom, would wear Sailor Moon skirts after Easter,,,or something. To hell with studies. I love women, except Sarah. And Cindy. And Laura. And Ann Coulter. And Michelle Malkin. I can’t stop. Brigette Bardot! Help!
SayItWithWookies: If she looks like she eats regularly, she may have a cache of food somewhere in the hobo jungle and will share it in exchange for sex allowing her companion to make it through the winter, when foraging becomes more difficult.
Recessions breed pessimism… That’s why hemlines go down.
This threatens the security of our national sexiness infrastructure. Women of America, do your patriotic duty! Raise your hemlines for the good of the nation!
Finally, they will suffer a drop in social capital. In times of recession, people spend more time at home.
Yay! So blogging in your parent’s basement becomes the rule, rather than the exception! We are soooo ahead of the curve, here.
TeddyS: Cindy…no way…but all the others…grudge would never feel so good. Although I think Laura would be like Mrs. Draper.
MathewBrooks: Just for you, (goto 1:28)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ELzjQ8F_2gE
Well, there’s nothing I find more reassuring than saggy, aging centerfolds, so yeah, this article must be dead-on. I swear if somebody could Florence Henderson to take her clothes off, I’d be downright giddy, and consumer confidence would sky rocket! Or, we’d all gouge our eyes out. Either way.
The years of slurpin’ down Starbuck’s and gettin’ their nails done by Thai slaves isn’t enough to erase the indignity of parking that big Ford Fuk-U-Mobile at the Salvation Army.
Serolf Divad: mmm… Bonnets!
But how are the poor younger ladies supposed to get a man in a recession? Especially if we have to lower our hemlines? This recession isn’t shaping up to be very much fun.
The looser the waistband, the deeper the quicksand……or so I have read
I’ve been joking with my best friend about his mom for years.
Hopefully my dream can come true now.
Recessions breed pessimism. That’s why hemlines go down.
Wait, I seem to recall hemlines going way WAY up in the 80s, coincident with Reagan’s Recession v. 3.1. Even Alexis and Krystle were seen sporting tafetta micro-minis in more than a few “Dynasty” eps. What gives?
Finally, my time has come!
There was an old lady who swallowed a cow.
I don’t know how she swallowed a cow.
She swallowed the cow to catch the dog.
She swallowed the dog, to catch the cat.
She swallowed the cat to catch the bird.
She swallowed the bird to catch the spider,
that wiggled and jiggled and tickled inside her.
She swallowed the spider to catch the fly.
I don’t know why she swallowed the fly
I guess she’ll die.
I know an old lady who swallowed a horse…
She’s dead of course!
intellijen: Eewww!
The thought of Liz Taylor’s ancient tum-tum resting on the crossbar of her walker has got me so chubbed up I feel like I’m fixin’ to die.
I’m so relieved. . I haven’t had a date in months! I saw Michael Moore give a talk some years back with a giant picture of Hillary on the stage. He said she was hot.
hedgehog: I’ll screw a “cougar” AND a sandwich.
My grand pappy told me the same thing about The Great Depression I. Unemployment was 25% and things were just awful. He told me the worse things got, the older and uglier the pinup models got. And I believe him! Hell, he showed me the centerfold for August 1932. Made a believer out of me lemmetellya! Here! I found it!
http://images.google.com/url?q=http://www.prolifeblogs.com/articles/helen.jpg&usg=AFQjCNFxHSZvhJDzahWtFJI1e6H2SFHKMA
Time to get my vanity license plate LUVMILFS and a pair of trucknutz underneath it.
Also, for what it’s worth, December’s playboy cover model is Carol Alt, who is 48 (although they may have chosen her before america became a nation of hobos).
Last night Arianna Huffington was on teevee talking to Nate Silver and she said “thanks to you I am now addicted to POLES” and it gave me a stiffy.
SayItWithWookies: Always.
shortsshortsshorts:
Any mention of 18″ monoliths?
Yaaaaay for me!!! I’ll be gettin’ me some somethin’ on the side for sammies!!!
Dang. I knew there was some reason my (44 year old) wife was lookin’ so sexeh this morning.
Is the same true of men? Are men “of substance”, men “with a belly” more courant? ‘Cause if so I can see a great big silver lining to this recession thingy.
Purple eyeshadow and pink lipstick! Just what I wore for my own wedding, circa 1993! Memories…
Older women might become attractive during a recession because they often have money, conservatively invested. But it just goes to show how every cloud has a silver lining; this woman of a certain age is going to go stimulate the economy by buying some great big fancy panties in anticipation of hot nights with hungry young men. Sex first, sandwich later.
The Oprah Harpo Fertility Goddess-look is the all the rage in the hobo space jungles of post-2008 America…
“Everyone loves Sarah Palin because she is the “reassuring” sex goddess of the New Depression. ”
Speak for yourselves! I hate her for not 86-ing the mongoloid.
Does this mean that all the actress’ in Gossip Girls and the new BH 90210 now have to eat something?
For years now, lazy-ass bums have been chasing me for my health insurance and paid-up mortgage and I’m not even good looking. You mean I can now trade up from a cereal-slurping loafer to a just-temporarily-unemployed normal guy? Thanks, New Depression!
It’s at this point I think we all have to remember that Arriana Huff is Greek! Huzzah for GILF anal.
Serolf Divad: I’ve been trying to get my wife to wear a bonnet for years. I think it is one of the sexiest pieces of clothing ever invented. And then trying to find your way through layers of prairie skirt… oh yeah. I have no idea how anybody could NOT find that sexy.
This is blatant cougar propoganda!
Men will shtup mud, according to the late great Lenny Bruce.
I consider this a bug, not a feature.
You really have to read the original study, where you can find, for instance, table 3: “Correlations of the General Hard Times Measure With Age and Body Features of Playboy Playmates of the Year(1960-2000)”. I think that says it all.
Joanie Collins is such a babe - especially her early British B movie stuff. Linda Evans was pitifully a man-shaped, Yani-luvin’, dumped for Bo Derek, astro-seeking lonely heart. If I were to go gay, I’d totally do Joanie. My mom has been dead longer than half of my life…whaaaa. Maybe I just need to be held like a teeny baby, and wear a bib.
Believe it or not, when I lived in Miami Beach in the late 90s, I had a lipstick red ‘73 Dodge Cougar. Damn! I miss that ride.
Yup, the apocalypse is proceeding right on schedule.
I, for one, welcome the thought of becoming one of our new cougar overlordettes.
spank me Grandma!
I’d still do Jane Fonda.
Jane Fonda, circa “Barbarella” and “Klute,” late 1960s and early 1970s, you mean.
Whoah. Read today’s column? Is it really possible Samantha Power will be back on TV? On Hillary’s team? I’m ashamed to say how hot that could be.