Wonkette
After her cruelly brief tenure as a vice presidential candidate, Sarah Palin is poised to perform a time-honored ritual for national failures and people who have completely humiliated themselves, repeatedly, on the world stage: she will write her memoirs, and she will be paid many millions of dollars for it. And she will waste all her millions of dollars on raw-silk Versace jackets and a new meth lab for her seventh child, Pistol.
Publishing industry insiders speculate she might make as much as SEVEN MILLION DOLLARS on an as-yet completely imaginary book deal.
Palin’s personal account of her tumultuous introduction to national politics is widely regarded as the book most likely to repay a multi-million-dollar advance.
“She’s poised to make a ton of money,” said Howard Rubenstein, New York’s best-known public relations adviser.
“Every publisher and a lot of literary agents have been going after her,” added Jeff Klein of Folio Literary management.
Sarah Palin’s searing examination of a nation in turmoil, and her own pivotal role as the maverick reformer who frightened millions of moderate Republicans into crossing party lines to elect America’s first black president, will be called My Pet Goat. It will be a picture book.
Sarah Palin’s failure set to reap her $7m book deal [The Times Online]
SEVEN MILLION FUCKING DOLLARS? Haha, joke’s on them, anyone that would buy a book written (haha, “written”) by Sarah Palin is already illiterate
I’m hoping for a pop-up book.
Since when do her fans read? What is the market for this? Having said that, I know a few ghost writers would would enjoy the work…
Will it be bound in Moose-Hide?
I’m going to fuck the shit out of that book.
Has anyone in history ever gained so much for being such a failure? She was elevated onto the national stage just so we could tear her down, but somehow, as we all had a hold of her leg and were pulling all we could to toss her into some pit of misery where she belonged, she managed to reach out with her desperate hands and loot every Neiman Marcus in the country and grasp onto a book deal worth more than the entire net worth of Wasilla.
bitchincamaro: So is Rich Lowry.
bitchincamaro:
Or scratch-n-sniff. Or a combo of both.
itll just be naked pictures of her with various fruits and vegetables sticking out of her lady parts.
Who cares? How much is Joe the Plumber’s record deal worth?
bitchincamaro: What a coincidence! The base is looking forward to a “book” that gives them a pop-up.
Cathangover: Hell, I’d ghostwrite it myself, provided that we’re somewhere the National Enquirer couldn’t find us, and she was “wearing” that towel again - and I was ready to go straight to hell.
Here’s hoping she goes all William Burroughs with that shit.
as if i needed any more reasons to kill myself today.
I was banking on the Playboy shoot coming in before the book deal
And let it be titled: “Gerundipity”
Yeah, I’m gettin’ Todd ta ghostwrite tha thing wit me, he’s into dem Hardy Boy books in tha Young Adult section o’ the part o’ the library books I didn’t ban, anyhow, he’s addin some spooky mystery parts an’ detectives an’ bootleggers an’ whatnot to punch it up. Also.
with a forward by tina fey, no doubt. *fingers crossed*
mattbolt: Well, there’s George W. Bush. He holds the record on that. So far.
i guess QVC isn’t returning her calls?
Starbursts in the Snowfall: The Passionate Embrace of the Eskimo Lady and the Handsome Journalist
By Bill Kristol
I’m assuming she’ll be fine with it if a bunch of us buy a couple hundred copies with the express intent of creating a bonfire with them.
Oh, oh wait. Even better idea. Please, let it be strictly on audio format where the entire thing is her spitting out one long, neverending, run-on
sentencecluster of words for a solid two hours.Break out the big box of crayons…
So, she’s paling around with publicists then?
mephistopheles jefferson: To go William Burroughs, you must first go Ambrose Bierce.
If there is any justice in the world, Silver will sell his book at the rate of Malcolm Galdwell and Michael Lewis, if they had a book baby, and Palin’s opus will be in Walmart discount bins two days after it comes out in print.
Sarah Palin’ Ultimate Toilet Reader: A Collection of Huntin’ Jokes, Naughty Limericks and Other Stuff To Read While You Poop.
Anonymous Office Zombie: Well, if William Falkner could do it, why not her? I think she’s more of a natural when it comes to that.
Could they just print it on Charmin?
Well, I can’t wait for this little tome to show up in the remaindered bins for $2. Would make a great gag gift.
How many Pippy Longstocking books does the world need?
There will probably be a coupon section in the back for Alaskan seal pup skins.
Larry McAwful: There’s a difference between writing from Benjy’s point of view and being Benjy. I fear for the sanity of her editor.
Why do I think this will end like one of those stories where somebody in a trailer park suddenly wins millions in the lottery?
intellijen: I was hoping the froward would be by the campaign aide that made the Hillbilly/Neiman Marcus raid comment.
Doesn’t matter, she’ll ban it from the Wasilla Library.
magic titty: Sarah, Plain and Tall and So Fucking Stupid
Itsjustme: Froward? um, forward
So she was after a big $$ book deal! That is why she sabotaged the run for the WhiteHouse, she knew she couldn’t get a big $$ book deal as Veep. She isn’t really looking to 2012…
Folks, you need to d what I do: Any time I am in a bookstore or book section of a store, I turn around books by morons like that attacked Obama. I do the same to rags like the Enquirer (well, I didn’t mess with the Cindy is cheating and the Palin family squabble issues). so, when her books hit the shelves just casually walk over, act like you are reading the back cover (don’t actually read said jacket, it will cause you nausea and retinal burns) and put the book on the shelf backwards. Proceed immediately to the restroom to wash your hands and rinse the filth from your eyes. AN alternative would be to pick up a different book and put it in front of the Palin book.
$7fucking000,000 for a word salad? Fuck me…
My money is on her taking the money, spending it on hideous tacky crap, and never writing a word. Remember, it took her ten years or something to get through college.
Chapter 6: Snowmobanged!
Her book’s goin’ to look great in my bookcase. I’m goin’ to put it right between my copies of Marilyn Quayle’s The Campaign: A Novel and David Lee Roth’s Crazy from the Heat.
“Restoring America’s Pride, One Costly Rape Kit at a Time”
I would hate to be her editor. no question. ugh.
She will “write” it herself by shouting it into a tape recorder over the weekend, a la Stephen Colbert, although in her case it will be more of a screech.
This will be the first book librarians voluntarily ban from their shelves.
azw88:
Just put it behind Huckabee’s book…no one will ever find it.
This may the first book that requires ghost-writing AND ghost-living.
Title: Smokin’ Banana Palins, Nothing Is Real.
I might hire someone to ghost-read it for me.
“Where The Tarded Things Are.”
“History of my EPIC FAIL” by Sarah Palin.
Obviously, I need to find something bigger and more lucrative to fail at.
I pity the poor ghost writer who is going to have to turn her gibberish into readable, understandable, cogent English. On the other hand it might be so chock full of smarmy rural bullshit that the creators of the Andy Griffith Show might sue for folksiness infringement.
http://thesebastards.blogspot.com/
Won’t she need a Speak ‘n Spell?
Servo: peed myself.
azw88:
Um. You’re aware that books have writing on the back covers, too, right?
Cut it out. You’re just pissing off the people who have to work there. Says a person who once worked there.
Chicken Smack: Bierce, huh? I can see it now - “Did you happen to know that consciousness is the child of Rhythm?” “Well, gee, don’tcha know, Rhythm is the child of my 1st cousin Consomme’!!!”
azw88: You are doing godz work, fer sherz.
Itsjustme: I thought you meant the direction you fro it….
mattbolt: Don’t count out the “Desperate Housewives” demographic.
I call bullshit. There is no way Caribou Barbie is actually literate.
Larry McAwful:
As My Political Career Lay Dyin’ by Sarah Palin
PrairiePossum: Or the first one to make librarians hold a book burning.
By “book” you do mean “One and a half pages of single-spaced, gerund-laced, hillbilly-laden nonsense with a few *winks* thrown in for good measure,” right?
Title: “Words to Believe, Also”
She should make a TV series instead: Desperate Housewife.
Anonymous Office Zombie: A Moose for Emily
SayItWithWookies: Let’s see, a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing? Yea, pretty much.
FreshCliches: And filled with starbursts.
How can she write a book when she can’t even form a sentence? Is it going to be a picture book?
Wow, that’s $1 million dollars per period!
Or perhaps, $1 per comma, also.
I have come to realise that Sarah Palin’s sentence structures are exactly like the SNL character Nicholas Fehn. Ergo, this book is going to be hilariously awesome.
“Bridges to Nowhere of Anchorage County”
Betcha this one doesn’t make Oprah’s book club.
Working title - “A Million Little Typos”
Larry McAwful:
The Sound and the Fury… of Todd’s Snow Machine
“In This Respect, Charlie” by Sarah Palin
Cathangover:
Feel free to keep that copy of McCain’s “Faith of my Fathers” I lent you a few weeks ago…
“A Trig Grows in Wasilla”
It won’t actually be a book. It’ll just be a greeting card, and when you open it, it plays music.
“War and Peas…How To Bomb the Middle East AND Make a Healthy Dinner!”
Beef Supreme: Heart’s “Barracuda,” no doubt. Done on a midi.
azw88: Turning books around? I just use superglue on the edges. There’s a lot of Bill O’Reilly and Limbaugh books where I live that go back to the factory with the pages stuck together, but not because Rich Lowery’s been reading them.
Strunk and White are going to turn over in their graves.
Anonymous Office Zombie: Sanctuary State (with Tim LaHaye)
ella: Not to mention Dr. Suess.
Seems right to me that Sarah is 1/4 as valuable to America as Kevin Garnett of the Boston Celtics and less than 1/9 as valuable as Richard Fuld, who was paid $68 million last year to lead Lehman Brothers into the toilet. (GROUCHO: “How much if you don’t rehearse and you don’t play?” CHICO: “Forget it, Boss; you couldn’t afford it.”)
From Here to Retardity?
mattbolt: Todd is ‘into’ watching that “ice truckers show” and that “fishin’ show”.
Working titles of Sarahs book:
“90 Outfits in 90 Days”
“Love or Lust: First VP Interview”
“Word Salad: Republican Beach Party”
“Image Politics From Down Home Wasilla”
The curious lies of Sarah Palin.
“Goodnight, Moran.”
“My Pet Goat, The Desperate Years”
queeraselvis v 2.0: SWEET!
mephistopheles jefferson: “Did I ever tell you about the man who taught his asshole to talk…” Hell, her family members resemble mugwumps and her sentences are basically constructed via some version of the cut-up method, so she should have no problem creating her own version of Nova Express or Naked Lunch set in a frozen wasteland and populated by meth addicts instead of being set in some futuristic space world populated by heroin junkies.
before she and her ghostwriter begin, let someone explain the plagiarism laws
to them. oh, wait, they don’t care.
maybe judith regan could be her publisher.
Larry McAwful: i died on that one.
A Separatist Peace
“A Creationist Field Guide to Alaskan Geology”?
pourmecoffee:
“Why Mavericks Don’t Blink”
Todd will write some ethno-sci-thriller about the time he broke his arm.
Snowbilly Crash
Whoa, second dwarf sighting on Wonkette today. I must go buy lottery ticket.
$237,542.62 per ‘Also’
suck it wonkers
-SP
A Hackee Mom’s Gyde to Cloths Shapping
“How To Veep Your Way To The Top (Without Looking Like a Total Slut)”
Fear and Loathing on the Campaign Trail ‘08: A Meth Fueled Ride Through the Lower 48
Oh, please. If you said they were offering her $7 Mill for a porn, it would be more plausible. Bitch couldn’t write a picture book, and if she tried she’d probably die from exhaustion.
Damn, the jokes write themselves.
Cathangover: Well, on the plus side if you do get a wild hair to read it afterward, you won’t miss anything if you have to skip over the pages that are stuck together.
I can’t wait: I love comic books! Palin the Eskimo and her sidekick Joe the Plumber epic fail to save the world from subtly colored Muslin caped infiltrator and his verbose pal: words vs, well, words with thoughts….
That picture of Palin makes her look like Giuliani.
“The Chronicles of Wasilla: The Loser, the Witch Hunt and the Wardrobe”
title suggestion: “i am america, and so can you!”
‘cept it won’t be funny.
Screw the editors, it’s the fact checkers who are fucked.
“Doncha Know: My Life In Words”
mattbolt: Maybe she’s not such a dumb chick.
Do you think she and McCain win the election in the book version?
messickc (ROLL TIDE!):
Nice. Although I’ve got to go with The Lynin’, the Witch Hunter, and the $150,000 Wardrobe
wilbro: Yes. That and her daughter wasn’t knocked up by a self proclaimed “Fucking redneck.”
Kitty Kelly will be busy with Oprah’s book, thank God.
Fingers crossed for lots of pictures of her kids.
Will they allow this ”
” so she can wink at you? And I thought writin’ books is elitist?
I’m sure I’ve said this before, but that photo makes you realise how aweful those heads living in perpetuity in a jar on Futurama are. Can you imagine that in your house all day. I’d get my cat to eat it
If you want to attack Sen. Obama about Bill Ayers, turn to page 13.
If you want to label Sen. Obama a socialist, turn to page 64.
“Unvetted: My Chance Flirtation with Greatness”
“Lodestone: Me and John on the Trail”
Maybe it’ll be a travel book about where to go and see Real America, what to do there, and how to dress fabulously on somebody else’s dime.
Sarah is part of a proud tradition of fundamentalist dingbats who had second acts in their lives. Anita Bryant opened a dress shop in Alabama or somewhere, and Tammy Fay Bakker did the gay cabaret circuit for a while.
Do these asshelmet publishers even know what the word “book” means? It’s a collection of words that are supposed to make some semblance of sense. They are supposed to be written by human beings, a species differentiated from other life forms by its ability to reason, and by its ability to articulate.
Here, let me write something: Palin writing a “book” is like unto a dog turd inventing a sweet, sweet perfume. My simile is hindered, of course, by the fact that Palin is, in actuality, a dog turd.
This “book” would be hilarious if it weren’t sure to be “written” by Mark Salter.
Anonymous Office Zombie:
Er, make that Lyin’
“Running With Schizos”
iwillsavethispatient: Was “a million dollars a period” a reference to her lifelong preg-a-thon?
If the latest from The National Enquirer is true — they have a report from an inside source at HarperCollins that Palin’s book is merely a continuation of her State-of-Alaska press release diatribes aimed at the teenage father of her daughter’s child, not the expected journal-style autobiography — then it turns out Sarah Palin doublecrossed Rupert Murdoch, her HarperCollins benefactor.
Murdoch paid her $7 million to write a book, but I’m sure he didn’t expect it to be another petty attack on the same teenager she’s been slandering for the past 10 months.
Palin also failed Murdoch’s litmus test in Hong Kong 9/23/09 — few people thought her speech made sense or had merit. No wonder Murdoch has allowed anti-Palin articles to appear lately in his newspapers (the New York Post and the Wall Street Journal).
Palin made a big mistake trying to con Murdoch.