Wonkette
Mike Huckabee was just another fat wingnut Southern emperor until, however many years ago, he realized that he was going to die from the Fat Cancer. He freaked and lost an actual 4,500 pounds and wrote a book about how he became un-fat. It was a success because, for some reason, illiterate people will buy books about such mysterious weight-loss techniques as diet and exercise. This gave him an “in” to run for president; he did better than expected but still lost to Walnuts. But… but now he has another book coming out! It’s about how terrible the Republican party is — you know, his frighteningly unpopular political party! He whines about everyone but throws in a few good words for Cher.
You know what Huckabee’s day job is now, right? He hosts a Saturday night political version of Ricki Lake on the Fox News channel. It is not very entertaining. Well, maybe it is?? Here, let’s find a random clip of it on the YouTube and you people can decide for yourselves:
Reactions? Second hockey mom from the left was kind of hot, we guess. Otherwise…?? Just a fucking awful show.
So, multimedia mogul Mike Huckabee’s new book. He makes fun of Mittens, his top potential rival in 2012, the most:
Mitt Romney, Huckabee’s principal rival in Iowa, comes in for the roughest treatment. Huckabee writes that the former Massachusetts governor’s record was “anything but conservative until he changed the light bulbs in his chandelier in time to run for president.” He notes that Romney declined to make a phone call of congratulations after Huckabee beat the oddsmakers to win the Iowa caucuses, “which we took as a sign of total disrespect.” He mocks Romney for suggesting, during one debate, more investment in high-yield stocks as a solution to economic woes. “Let them eat stocks!” Huckabee jokes.
“Stocks” does not rhyme with “cake.” Another observation: Why is Mike Huckabee writing this book?
He hates the Evangelicals because they didn’t endorse his broke ass uhh, they’ve changed:
Later Huckabee writes, “I lamented that so many people of faith had moved from being prophetic voices — like Naaman, confronting King David in his sin and saying, ‘Though art the man!’— to being voices of patronage, and saying to those in power, ‘You da’ man!’ “
Confusing? All he’s saying is, “Look… I don’t like Negroes.”
There is no end to the wordplay:
The national media gets no pardon either. “Reporters facilitate the greedy and grubby process whereby too many elections go to the highest bidder and his sharpie hirelings,” he writes.
WAH WAH WAH.
What else… oh right, he’s a queer:
In the middle of a disquisition on libertarianism, Huckabee pauses to praise the musician Cher for tours that are “an amazing blend of rock concert, circus and fashion show.”
He was much jollier as a fat ass.
I thought vertical stripes were supposed to be slimming.
I still find that photo completely horrifying in every possible way.
It looks like Huckabee’s kids ate the whole damn stock market.
Alt-text: Gypsies, Tramps and Thieves
Huck’s is still a douche, but a likeable one. His main problem is that he ain’t blood thirsty enough for the evangelicals.
“Diet and love thy neighbor” doesn’t have the same appeal as “Faster US America! Kill! Kill!”
I swear to Gawd Huckles would be the best infomercial host on the planet. HE MUST DO THAT. He could a Ford to the American people, which is an impossible thing to do.
Didn’t his boys read his first book?
greedy and grubby process
Sex?
when you quote “i dont like the negroes” i cant tell who’s actually saying that. mostly because i wouldnt doubt that huckabee is an overtly racist prick
Any chance he might be willing to eat Sarah Palin, her freeloading husband and their 9 children?
If the GOP really wants to be a “Big Tent” party they will probably have more than enough material available in the Huckabee men’s shirts.
PoliticalGraffiti: He of the ‘Barry should duck because someone is pointing a gun at him’ comment is not racist–he’s just offering a friendly southern tip. I mean, I live in TX & whenever someone points a gun at me, I like to be told to duck. No racism there, right?
Lord God Jehovah, thank you for giving me, your child Ted Perino, the Republican party for my own personal amusement.
Amen
“He was much jollier as a fat ass.”
Agreed. A huge, round Huckabee would be hilarious, especially if he started talking and acting like Boss Hogg.
this season on Kitty Cat Man
Lemme’ know when “The Huckabeetown Massacre” is on the teevee.
Now, help me out there, which of the two sons hung the dog? Ginger on the left, or Jabba in the middle
10 tons of fun!
He’s Sarah Palin with the self awareness to realize what people think of him and a victory in an eating contest on his resume. And an ability to think. And kids who ate all the pies. Thought it is interesting to learn he actually had some sort of campaign staff for the primaries. I just assumed he hitchhiked to each new state and told all the fundies to write his name in.
http://thesebastards.blogspot.com/
Remember, universal health care means that kid in the middle is on your medical tab.
Why are they all wearing some sort of modified prison garb? Criminally insane?
First of all, no self-respecting queer would dress anything like the way that Huckabee is dressed in that photo.
Second of all, I managed to stomach about 30 seconds of that “Huckabee” show clip, and I’m flatly amazed that he managed to find a half-dozen women who are as dumb as Sarah Palin. I thought she was about as low as you could go.
Thirdly - CONTINUE WITH THE REPUBLICAN CAGE MATCH!
Is that a real dog? It looks like a stuffed animal.
What is Mrs. H doing to that sweet Cavalier King Charles spaniel?
Um…if youse think that this book is a topic of riducule, wait till
mooselini’s autobiography appears. meh.
“Though art the man”? I thought it was ‘thou’. Huckles is a retarded, illiterate minister, the end.
I bet they call the son on the left “Tiny”.
hedgehog: In Arkansas, the local delicacy is a pat of butter, which you and your sister pass mouth to mouth.
Dave J.: I wish Wonkette would not use it. It is very disturbing. But it is a part of our history.
As they say in Arkansas, “Woo, Pig, Sooie!”
Anonymous Office Zombie: I think you are on to something - Karl Roves “Dukes of Hazard Republican Election Strategy”. They had Daisy Duke in Palin but were missing the bitchin’ car that really brings the base out . . .
When did Montel get so old, fat, republican, and white? Oh wait…
longjohnson: You rang?
That picture gives a whole new meaning to ‘how GREAT thou art.’
Can’t a fella enjoy a good old fashioned Vegas “rock concert, circus, and fashion show” without it being gay? I mean Cher’s not even a real honest to goodness drag queen for heaven’s sake.
Anonymous Office Zombie: Had he soldiered on with his epic girth and the primary race, he could’ve earned another presidential superlative: to Barry’s “First African-American President” Huckabee could have been “Fattest President” or at least “Fattest President Since Taft”…
Dave J.: I think they scream, ‘America’s First Family.’
“Mitt Romney, Huckabee’s principal rival in Iowa, receives the roughest treatment. Huckabee writes that the former Massachusetts governor’s record was “anything but conservative until he changed the light bulbs in his chandelier in time to run for president.”
Can someone translate this from Huckabese for me?
Strange that the answer to fixin’ the GOP is so elusive.
Neon Trotsky:
“Now here’s some footage taken earlier today of our pleasantly plump president elect winning a pie-eating contest in Hot Springs, Arkansas… “
Is the shout out to Cher some attempt at him appearing hip? Cuz it’s not.
Mustang: This is a silly comment by Huckabee. Romney obviously had his wives change the light bulbs.
“He was much jollier as a fat ass.”
Fat Mike Huckabee for Secretary of Mall Santa Clauses!
It looks like Huck is packing it back on.
I vote for Deb(second from right). Wasn’t she on The Sopranos?
Possible HMILF.
Wait, what was the question?
longjohnson:
And of course WALNUTZ was their Uncle Jesse. Yeah, all they’ve got to do now is get the car and start launching it off of sweet jumps and shooting exploding arrows n’ shit.
GOP, ya’ll YEEEEEE-HAAWWWWW!!!!
So Cher’s a musician now? I coulda sworn she was a singer. Unless rhinestones are now a musical instrument. And Huckabee is now wishing evangelicals would challenge our leaders, is that right? So he’s on board with Jeremiah Wright, I’m guessing.
Neon Trotsky:
I have faith that Huckles could outdo Taft given enough time and deep-fried twinkies.
“He has shown us his Glory and his Great arse.”
I just commented on the awfulness of this show last night!
http://wonkette.com/404412/404412#comment-178051
hedgehog: Oooohh, now I get it!
“He wants you too, Malakai. He wants you too.”
Anonymous Office Zombie: With narration by George Will?
darbyogill:
Not only is it “Thou art the man”, but it was said by Nathan (not Naaman) the prophet, who was busting King David for sending the husband of a woman he had the hots for to certain death in battle so he could comfort the widow. (II Samuel 11.)
Naaman was someone else entirely who had a gnarly skin disease rather than a babelicious wife and/or a confrontational style with royalty. Big difference.
If you’re gonna be sending folks to H-E-double-hockey-sticks on account of a few Bible verses (like the five or six –out of a jillion or so total– that might or might not have something to do with buttsecks) at least try to keep your source material straight, my fundie friends.
It’s so rare to find a garden bench made from bolt and rivet structural steel.
kimbongil: Sure, but the blubber mined from this clan is part of the Renewable Energy policy.
Hey, lay off them Huckabees!
I think it’s pretty cool that they own a family blimp.
Even better that he and his son have shirts that match
the blimp colors.
I though Huck had two sons though.
sanantonerose: Clearly that is the only option.
anyone else catch Milton (from Office Space)’s retarded brother at about the 5:22 mark? He’s lurking behind chubster mom.
obfuscator:
You betcha’. But George Will in his clipped, uptight, educated normal tone of voice, or George Will attempting (and failing at) a Southern twang? That’s the real question.
southernfried: You sure seem to know a lot about the “Book of Jewish Fairy Tales”- you sure you belong here?
calorie counting, we’re not uncomfortable, I have a media connection, and despite my lack of knowledge about hockey, I would like to have a meat pie with all of you, add EVOO (no bad trans-fats), and we’ll roll around, inserting, exerting, polyester sausage skins, a tripe flavored ice cream will be for dessert, after we have all reached crescendo and are SATED, then the discussion of early morning ice time will commence, and all will discuss heating children’s socks by a wood stove, de-icing the mini-van, 4:00 a.m. mornings…..the horror, the horror….and back into silky sultry t.v. green room prep time….
yes I am (not) a hockey mom………
Is she choking that dog so they can have it as a snack?
I think his wife had an affair with Fatty Arbuckle.
freeatlast: only if they’re breaded and deepfried like chicken or catfish. Or any other white meat.
S.Luggo:
5000-ton shear strength bolts, and they still get warm.
S.Luggo: salvaged from a Minn bridge collapse, no doubt.
Wow! What a Family of Porkers! Looks like they all put “Country buffet First”
Tomthebunny: Hey, I try not to be ignorant about the foundational document of Western culture (for good or ill). I also know a lot about The Brady Bunch.
Anonymous Office Zombie: I’d prefer the regular voice and vocabulary. He could describe the impenetrable and perplexing conundrums these good old boys are faced with. Extricating themselves from the quagmire they find themselves entagled in will be a Sisyphean task.
Anonymous Office Zombie: I’ll eat anything that wont bite me!
Yes, I watched Dukes of Hazzard. No, I didn’t like the blond Duke.
Why did he write this book? Because no one is paying any attention to him, poor guy.
meemers:
WIN!
Huck will forever be jealous of Jaco Pastorius. A Huckabee always must fret.
Tomthebunny: hey now, it’s the basis for most of our literature.
JadedDIssonance: oh, and if you don’t believe in it, you go to hell. also.
meemers: To quote the every eloquent William Drayton* “Woooooooooooooooooooow.”
*Flavor Flav
Did you know that Huckabee has a band called Capital Offense?
Anonymous Office Zombie: Boss Huck
PoliticalGraffiti:
Don’t know, but I do remember that when the Rev. Wright clips started getting played endlessly, and the conservatives were jumping aboard gleefully, Huckabee was the only one with enough honesty to say something along the lines of how he understood that having to deal with racism, especially when it was the law of the land, could leave people with a chip on their shoulders, and if it had been him it would probably have been a bigger chip.
He isn’t smart or engaged enough to be president, by any means, but I have to give the guy credit for having more decency than his competitors.
I knew son David (the fat one… oh, wait) had a dog choking fetish. Didn’t realize Momma got into the act as well.
WTFUCK! Who dresses their ADULT children like their parents for a FUCKING PICTURE????
Shit, I thought Santorum’s daughter and her doll dressing alike was fuckin weird but JESUS H FUCKING CHRIST that pic is scary!!!
Those three striped shirts required the culled material from 184 mattress-covers.
Texan Bulldoggette: unfortunately, obama never played the elitist (racist?) Tra: “duck duck goose” game in kindergarten
why is his wife strangling that poor dog in the photo?
Hang on. Did the blonde Hockey Mom in that video really call Sarah Palin “articulate”?
Oh, FOX News, don’t ever change.
The clips at the end of Julie Banderas’ hard nipples were quite good.
Chief Grinning Eagle: A fretless bass joke? Too ‘inside’…
Once he gains his weight back, people won’t be able to tell the difference between Huckabee and Oprah
The “jolly fattie” is a myth. Fat people are mean.
johnbpt: One of the many, many horrible things about this picture is that the stripes are slimming.
I love Huckabee!
PoliticalGraffiti: He is the only Repub. in America who actually likes Bill Clinton! That was enough to sink him.!
The fact that no one has ever blingeed that picture is a crime against humanity.
Good to see Kevin Spacey found work!
Put that photo next to any photo of the Obama family. Try it.
One of the NHHM’s said that Bible Spice was “A real PTA woman, that started at the grass-roots level.” Like, er, a, oh, I don’t know…a COMMUNITY ORGANIZER?? Hmmmm. To this lady’s credit she said she was leaning towards BO and seemed rather and correctly horrified at the prospect of Palin as Prez. I find Huckabee to be quite “watchable”: Affable, breezily witty, and possessed of at least some sort of integrity (PUSH that Fair Tax, dude!) Too bad he makes jokes about Black candidates getting shot at and is (social issues-wize) Sarah Palin in a suit, with an affable brain to boot…But, yes, GAWD, that family foto. NOT “phat,” not phat a’tall…
You guys are KILLING ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Huckabee badly butchers his Bible facts in the excerpt you posted about “Naaman”.
http://arkjournal.com/2008/11/huckabee-needs-to-go-back-to.html
Chief Grinning Eagle - “Huck will forever be jealous of Jaco Pastorius. A Huckabee always must fret.”
Brilliant. Sadly, Huckabee will never know Joni Mitchell as Jaco Pastorius did. Hell, Mike probably doesn’t even know who Jaco was. Too bad Jaco’s genius ended when he was 35, but alas, the music lives on.
Maybe Huckabee could change his name to “Hockeybee” just to start the subliminal inevibility of 2012 with Ms. Alaska. Euuoooeew.
I see fat people