Team Of Angry Embittered Scheming Rivals

  • Barack Obama must relinquish his BlackBerry and swear off email forever, so that in the future it will be harder to prosecute him for War Crimes. [New York Times]
  • This presidency brought to you by Doris Kearns Goodwin. [USA Today]
  • An earthquake off the coast of Indonesia ruined several hundred homes but did not cause a tsunami. [UPI]
  • Vitamin C alone will not save you from cancer. Neither will Vitamin E. [Washington Post]
  • Christmas will be cancelled this year because of the recession, so extra retail jobs have also been eliminated. On Christmas Day there will be no presents, or jobs, only holding hands and singing like the residents of Whoville. [Washington Post]
  • Prominent Republicans offer differing theories for why they are sucking the mop right now, and how they might remedy their situation. [Politico]
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About the author

Sara K. Smith was Wonkette's morning editor from 2008 to 2010, and now contributes a weekly (?!) column to Wonkette, to prove she still loves you all!

View all articles by Sara K. Smith

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70 comments

  1. Terry

    So, Newt Gingrich thinks that Palin isn’t the future of the GOP? Is this the same Gingrich who is sitting there waiting for his Republican colleagues to realize how much they want and need him and for them to call him? Can he sound any more like a high school girl without a date to the prom?

  2. 4tehlulz

    >>This presidency brought to you by Doris Kearns Goodwin.

    Or whoever she’ll be plagiarizing in a few years.

  3. EnBuenOra

    It’s fantastic to know that all our President’s Cabinet decisions now must be passed through a vastly overdone metaphor by historian Doris Kearns Goodwin, who has managed to appear on television citing uncontroversial history points and bland arguments more than any other U.S. political historian.

  4. bitchincamaro

    “… many applicants have shown up at [Best Buy] with professional résumés in hand.” Mostly former Bush appointees, one assumes.

  5. Terry

    [re=178069]bitchincamaro[/re]:

    No, the Bush appointees are in Best Buy (as well as Target) fraudulently returning items.

  6. 4tehlulz

    >>”I’m a little bit more selective now than I would normally have to be,” [the Best Buy tool] said.

    You mean they actually may know something about the products now? AND be helpful?

  7. bitchincamaro

    [re=178073]4tehlulz[/re]: No, but a salesperson may be able to ignore you in several languages, now.

  8. dotdotdotdotdot

    Best parts of the e-mail article:

    1. Dubya was an AOL user. This is too perfect! It explains everything about his presidency. Had we only known. . .

    2. Supposed ‘expert’ Diana Owen uses the phrase ‘I can’t be on e-mail.’ How 1998! Somebody better tell her not to open ‘those e-mails’ from all the people that love her.

  9. DangerousLiberal

    John McCain, overheard today talking to Hillary Clinton at one of his several houses:

    “Senator, I knew Sen. William Henry Seward. Seward was a friend of mine (and suggested Sarah Palin–ya now the Alaska thing). Senator, you’re no William Henry Seward.”

  10. mattbolt

    SPOILER ALERT: In Whoville, they get presents at the end.

    John McCain is our grinch. He’s been a miserable, wrinkly old curmudgeon, but on Christmas when his heart grows four sizes… well, it’ll probably be because of some kind of massive heart attack, and Christmas will be ruined forever.

  11. Sharked

    G94B has officially been added to my buddy list – just another reason to count down the days until January 20th.

  12. ManchuCandidate

    You’re a mean one, Credit Crunch.
    You really are a heel.
    You’re as solvent as Lehman,
    You’re as slimy as an eel.
    Credit Crunch

    You’re a mad cow calf
    Made into some veal.

    You’re a monster, Credit Crunch.
    My wallet’s an empty hole.
    WaMu’s is full of SubPrime,
    You’ve got failure in your soul.
    Credit Crunch.

    I wouldn’t buy you, with a
    eleventy gazaillion check.

    You’re a vile one, Credit Crunch.
    You have killed Ole Saint Nick.
    You have all the sweet tastiness
    Of dried out Reindeer dung.
    Credit Crunch.

    Given the choice between eating the two of you
    I’d take the reindeer dung.

  13. Serolf Divad

    The War on Christmas® is brought to you this year by The Wall Street Bankers Association, the Grand Old Party, The U.S. Chamber of Commerce, The National Realtors’ Association and viewers like you.

  14. monty

    I’m a little bit older(37) and im not as good at keeping up with the hipsters as i used to be, but what is “sucking the mop ” code for? it sound dirty

  15. mattbolt

    Speaking of Christmas, what’s the official Blowvember-style scandal-code for December? All I’ve got is Dickcember. It’s a traditionally slow month anyways, so it might not even come up.

  16. Rush

    Can Doris KG just go away? She seems nice but why the MSM seems to think she is some special, annointed high-brow historian is beyond me. Besides, she was born without any lips!

  17. finallyhappy

    Haley Barbour says the McCain campaign didn’t try to make Obama unacceptable to the American people?? Say he is a communist, a socialist, palling around with terrorists, a muslim, going to make abortions a requirement(ok, not quite)- was Barbour in the republican grave while the campaign was going on and just woke up as a zombie(he looks like he has eaten plenty). Just shut up, you fat old slob

  18. eyesfriedopen

    [re=178081]ManchuCandidate[/re]: The economy is in the euphemism, and you’re making funny songs. Shame on you, and well played.

  19. WadISay

    Just because BHO is capable of entertaining more than one point of view, suddenly there are going to be throw-downs in cabinet meetings, and we’ve got to start calling him Sybil?

  20. TGY

    Ahh, next year is the 200th anniversary of Lincoln’s birth. Somewhere, he’s laughing his ass off.

    Also, singing and holding hands was good enough for the Whos. But, of course, it wasn’t enough for The Who or even, more grammatically, The Whom.

  21. charlesdegoal

    [re=178087]finallyhappy[/re]: He can’t see the republican party’s grave at his feet any better than he can see his own dick.

  22. TGY

    Republicans offer differing theories for why they are sucking the mop right now

    I suggest they acquire a taste for mop.

  23. Ted Perino

    Ramadan comes in August this year. Maybe we can go to Wal-Mart by then and put some crap on our credit cards. That may signal the power of Allah.

    As an historian who wrote about the Civil War and WW II, D. K. Goodwin ought to turn to the camera and say: “America, quit being a bunch of whiny little shits. You don’t know what trouble is.”

  24. dano

    [re=178082]Serolf Divad[/re]: The GOP needs to come up with some new and improved wedge issues if they ever want to regain the house, senate, or the presidency. The War on Christmas® ain’t gonna make the nut this year so some fresh ideas are in order:

    1. The War on Apple Pie-Accuse the liberals of hating apple pies.
    2. The War on Family Farms- We all pretty much know that the family farm is going extinct, but why not blame it on the left?
    3. The War on Dogs- Accuse Liberals of being cat people.
    4. The War on War- We all know what peace whores the left are, so blame them for hating wars.

  25. shellbomber

    [re=178097]TGY[/re]: When does the mop get ditched for the Swifer and send the GOP flowers?

    Baby come back, you can blame it all on me….

  26. Neon Trotsky

    [re=178082]Serolf Divad[/re]: And we know now what happens when the war is lost, like how the government of Croatia canceled Christmas this year:
    “For that goal we forbid buying of Christmas and New Year’s gifts as well as organising of Christmas and New Year’s receptions…” -Prime Minister Ivo Sanader

    If it can happen in Croatia, it can happen here! Stay strong, defenders of Christmas!

  27. queeraselvis v 2.0

    Those retail hiring manager fucks are not unlike pre-nightmare Ebenezer Scrooge telling Bob Marley to commit himself body and soul to the company while cutting his hourly wage and ordering him to serve Tiny Tim as the Christmas dinner entree.

  28. queeraselvis v 2.0

    [re=178111]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: Jesus, it’s Monday, and I’m still an English major. Bob Cratchit, you moran.

  29. Miller

    I think some media people need to get that Team of Rivals book slapped out of their hands before they spew off one more hackneyed pronouncement about who Obama should pick. “This person ran against him and this one hates him, of course Obama should pick them for the cabinet regardless of qualifications. They’re rivals! I read in a book that the five dollar bill guy did that!”

    http://thesebastards.blogspot.com/

  30. Ted Perino

    [re=178126]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: Quit arguing with yourself. They are both right, in a post-modern sort of way.

  31. DangerousLiberal

    [re=178127]Miller[/re]: Hey, not so fast–Maybe the book will inspire BHO to appoint Salmon Chase as SecTreas. Or Trout Tenkay. Or some other fish ‘n’ running-oriented name.

  32. Servo

    Santa laid off the elves and is gradually slipping into alcoholism. “Maybe Santa and the Easter Bunny will take a fuckin’ cruise to Jamaica next year.”

    [re=178091]kapish[/re]:
    That seems proper, since it’s the day when most homes resemble UFOs anyway.

  33. sati demise

    Did the Republicans lose the war on Christmas?
    So sad, they fought so hard to win and all they got was a recession/depression.

  34. finallyhappy

    [re=178126]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: I liked Bob Marley better- the music, you know. And um, it is morOn- not moran- unless you were taking about Jim- who is sort of a moron too.

  35. WIDTAP

    D. K. Goodwin is the Stephen Hawking of history. Sure there are better, more original and more erudite experts out there, but the popularizers of the art will still get all of the public credit. Just ask Shelby Foote – he’s a-laughin’ in his grave.

  36. fukaduk

    [re=178107]Neon Trotsky[/re]: My gifts this year will consist entirely of things I found by the side of the road. For my son, a flat raccoon, and for my daughter, a styrofoam cooler with a crack down the side and no lid. I’m saving the three dead hobos for my wife.

  37. sanantonerose

    Welcome, Welcome
    Fah who rah-moose
    Welcome, Welcome
    Dah who dah-moose
    Christmas day is in our grasp
    So long as we have hands to clasp

  38. Mustang

    My mind is officially blown. These guys still don’t get that people are sick of getting manipulated into voting for tools. Barbour’s saying the way to beat Obama would have been to smear his name from here to outer space. How about offering a candidate who’s a leader and who has proposals to get us out of the mess we’re in? The party is fundamentally evil, so they think they just need to ramp up the evil to get back in power.

  39. Fivetree

    Enough of the hating on Doris Kearns Goodwin! We loves her! She came to Seattle in 1999, right before the WTO kerfuffle to promote her FDR book and during the Q&A someone asked her to say a few words about the upcoming WTO meeting, which people were already starting to organize against. She had the good sense to refrain from commenting on something she didn’t know enough about…and really, who KNEW that it would end up being such a colossal shitstorm? “Team of Rivals” was a good book, and yes, I am just as sick and tired as everyone else of hearing it constantly invoked these days but that’s no reason to hate on Doris. If Barry had decided to go “The Best and The Brightest” route you’d all be trashing David Halberstam – who is too dead to defend himself. It could be worse, at least he’s not reading “All The President’s Men”.

  40. stribs

    Yeah, down with the DK Goodwin hating.

    I’ll take a Doris Goodwin influencing POTUS over a Bill Kristol any day.

  41. psychedelicSludge

    Not well understood yet in mainsteam medicine, it is nevertheless clear to alternative medicine practitioners that Vitamin C can prevent recession.

  42. psychedelicSludge

    Doris Kearns Goodwin was very influential in the Reagan White House. She alerted Nancy to the upcoming Uranus/Saturn square.

  43. Min

    “He puzzled and puzzed, til his puzzler was sore, then Bernanke thought of something he hadn’t before…”

  44. gurukalehuru

    Oh frabjuous day! Reading this, and realizing how delusional Haley Barbour is, is to also realize that the Republican party is dead. Deceased, expired, bought the farm, kicked the bucket, defunct, extinct, over.
    Unfortunately, they will just reappear under the name “The Stupid Party” and be stronger than ever.

  45. DangerousLiberal

    [re=178292]stribs[/re]: Consider the source. She explained her sloppy note taking practices. Not the same thing as assembly-line history….oh, hello Steven Ambrose, ya old hack! Didn’t see ya standing there….

  46. Fivetree

    Hey, Joe Biden plagiarized and he’s now the new Dick Cheney. Chopin plagiarized the entire 2nd Movement of his 2nd Piano concerto from some schmuck whose name escapes me. George Harrison took “He’s So Fine” and turned it into “My Sweet Lord”. Then there’s the case of the “Findlemayer Proposition” at the end of “What’s Up, Doc”. Joe the Biden, Chopin, the quiet Beatle and Kenneth Mars; Doris is in good company.

  47. heathenish

    “The mood of the country is what was bad in this campaign,” Duncan said in an interview at the governors meeting. “It was 90-10 wrong track, you had the war, we had the economy going south on us, we had the third-term curse, all those things.”
    yeah and of course the republicans had absolutely NOTHING to do with any of THOSE things!omg they are so far removed from reality, i hope they sink into the muck of their own making, never to emerge, or something like that, i wish i could think of something clever to say about it

    and i nominate bernake for new grinch to replace cheney

Comments are closed.