UNPLEASANT COMMITTEE HEARINGS  3:05 pm November 14, 2008

“Is Kashkari A Chump?”

by Jim Newell

Sexy Neel Kashkari, the 35-year-old former Goldman Sachs investor Hank Paulson selected to run the so-far embarrassing $700 billion bailout program, went before a House committee today to be brutally excoriated, roasted on a spit, and then sodomized by the giddy Elf King Dennis Kucinich and his snarling band of blood monsters. The highlight, and an instant Congressional Hearings Classic, came from Rep. Elijah Cummings of Maryland: “Mr. Kashkari, in the neighborhood I grew up in, in the inner city of Baltimore, one of the things that you tried to do was make sure that you were not considered a chump … Well, is Kashkari a chump?” [YouTube, HuffPo]

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Neon Trotsky November 14, 2008 at 3:08 pm

What an unfortunate name for someone entrusted with enormous amounts of public funds. I hope that he doesn’t “kari” all the “kash” to some overseas bank account…

obfuscator November 14, 2008 at 3:09 pm

“It ain’t cool to be a jive turkey so close to Thanksgiving!”

Lascauxcaveman November 14, 2008 at 3:09 pm

Is “chump” going to be the new “GILF,” or something?

termite November 14, 2008 at 3:09 pm

I love that dude behind Cummings trying his hardest not to burst out laughing.

Kev-O-Tron November 14, 2008 at 3:10 pm

Let’s see…. Thirty-five year old who thinks he’s in the movie Boiler Room and tries to pull off the Vin Diesel shaved head look…

yep he’s a chump.

Neilist November 14, 2008 at 3:10 pm

A bald chump.

Who’d have to take the bottom bunk.

And call his cellmate “Daddy.”

And who thought the shower room was the “train station,” If-You-Know-What-I-Mean-And-I-Think-You-Do.

“Alllllllllll aboarddddddddddd theeeeeeeeeeeeeee honkeyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!”

Dave J. November 14, 2008 at 3:11 pm

In the epic Battle of the Bald Monsters, round 1 def goes to Cummings.

Serolf Divad November 14, 2008 at 3:12 pm

Hey, if some of my employees had suckered a client into handing over $150,000,000,000.00 I’d want those employees taking home fat bonus checks, too!

pourmecoffee November 14, 2008 at 3:12 pm

The only proper answer to that is to lunge over the tables and thumb his eyes until they bleed.

Bypartizoa November 14, 2008 at 3:12 pm

“No, sir. I’m not a chump. I am, however, a ‘punk-ass bitch’”

N8Ma November 14, 2008 at 3:12 pm

I think we’ve figured out AngryBlakGuy’s identity in real life…

Godot November 14, 2008 at 3:12 pm

He may be a chump, but in his defense he’s neither a sucka nor a jabroni.

NoWireHangers November 14, 2008 at 3:16 pm

Dennis Kucinich and his Congressional crew gonna be cold regulatin’ yo ass Kashkari. Elijah Cummings gonna lean out the side of the Congressional whip and just be poppin’ caps in the asses of any chumps that be takin’ the tax payers’ cheese.

queeraselvis v 2.0 November 14, 2008 at 3:19 pm

Rope-a-Dope, boy-eeeee!

Nigerian Business Executive November 14, 2008 at 3:20 pm

[re=177365]Bypartizoa[/re]: He could be my punk-ass bitch any and ever time he wanted.

SayItWithWookies November 14, 2008 at 3:20 pm
Carrie_Okie November 14, 2008 at 3:24 pm

More importantly; Does he look like a bitch?

obfuscator November 14, 2008 at 3:25 pm

“Mr. Kashkari, would you characterize yourself as a ‘mark-ass trick’, or do you feel that ‘trick-ass mark’ would more accurately describe your peformance under Secretary Paulson?”

ManchuCandidate November 14, 2008 at 3:29 pm

If only Elijah did a Barbara Billingsley aka Mrs Cleaver from Airplane:

“Cut me some slack, Jack! Chump don’ want no help, chump don’t GET da’ help!”

Miller November 14, 2008 at 3:29 pm

It seems to me that the guy who’s shifty, evasive, vague, and is randomly dicking around with $700 billion isn’t the chump, it’s the people who let him get away with it. See Cummings, it is yuo who art teh chumpz0rz!


monty November 14, 2008 at 3:32 pm

Neil Kash-n-Kari is just towin the party line tryin to make sure that the 700bn ends up in Goldman nutsacks coffers like it was supposed to.

norbizness November 14, 2008 at 3:33 pm

And that’s why Black Oak Arkansas wrote the song Uncle ‘Lijah.

2druk2phluq November 14, 2008 at 3:35 pm

[re=177384]SayItWithWookies[/re]: You has good photobuckets. The bestest part iz the pitchers.

bitchincamaro November 14, 2008 at 3:35 pm

“Yes sir, I am in fact, Chimpy’s chump.”

problemwithcaring November 14, 2008 at 3:40 pm

Ugh, this guys makes me miss the Douglas Feith testimonies…

x111e7thst November 14, 2008 at 3:44 pm

I have looked into Kashkari’s eyes and seen his soul, and Kashkari is indeed a chump.

Kos November 14, 2008 at 3:49 pm

[re=177355]obfuscator[/re]: YEAH.

nurple November 14, 2008 at 3:50 pm

Wookies – eheheh

Kos November 14, 2008 at 3:53 pm

He’s not a chump, but he looks like the guy who played The Mummy.

null November 14, 2008 at 3:55 pm

Mini-me can only be a chump if Paulson is a chump…Well, is Paulson a chump?

Kidshowbusiness November 14, 2008 at 3:59 pm

Man, the chumps are the people left holding the bag, not the people depositing $700 billion dollar checks. If we want to see chumps we can just go look in the mirror.

Scooter November 14, 2008 at 4:02 pm

Mr. Kashkari, do you currently agree with the notion that life is a cabaret? If so, what effect will this have on the inner workings of the bailout package?

WhatTheHeck November 14, 2008 at 4:03 pm

You are talking about 700 large ones.
There are lots of folks who would be willing to be someone’s chump for that king of taxpayers’ largesse.

If Kash had learned anything from Palin, he could have answered: “Let’s make America safe from communism… we’re… have been using this money to.. to make us great again…that is, freedom from the general population whom we serve. We serve these constit… people so we can fleece them… that is… help them to be hard workin’… Now from my office I can see the fear in Wall Street…

xavan November 14, 2008 at 4:08 pm

[re=177389]Carrie_Okie[/re]: If not, why would we fuck him like a bitch?

Doglessliberal November 14, 2008 at 4:13 pm

[re=177367]N8Ma[/re]: oh wow! Totally!

bitchincamaro November 14, 2008 at 4:15 pm

This is not chump change we can believe in!

Min November 14, 2008 at 4:16 pm

King Dennis rulz!

sati demise November 14, 2008 at 4:29 pm

[re=177499]Min[/re]: Huzzah Dennis.

The Cold Sea November 14, 2008 at 4:56 pm

Congress are the chumps. They fell for Iraq, Homeland Security, FISA and now the outright raiding of the treasury.

V572625694 November 14, 2008 at 5:14 pm

[re=177367]N8Ma[/re]: You mean Wonkette isn’t real life?

rocktonsammy November 14, 2008 at 6:46 pm

is that Colbert to left of the crazy guy?

Borat November 14, 2008 at 6:48 pm

Ha ha. Nate Silver is the Chump. This guy’s got 1 million times more and not even close to being NateSilverSmart!

Doktor Avalanche November 14, 2008 at 7:10 pm

The chump factor on this one is way off the scale.

DangerousLiberal November 14, 2008 at 7:15 pm

“Congressman, I heard the words, but what in the fuck are you asking me, again? Because right now, there may be one bald chump in the room, but I’m not feeling it here at the witness table.”

villageatrois November 14, 2008 at 9:05 pm

“Well, Sena-Congress Dude, in Akron, where I grew up, a chump was somebody who loaned a lot of his net worth to a guy who just left his job at GS to go into public service, based on a handshake, good intentions, and a two-page memo.”

Also: Neel K was born with a deer-in-headlights expression: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kashkari

Pop Socket November 14, 2008 at 10:18 pm

It’s not gay if you’re on top.

NYNYNY November 14, 2008 at 11:45 pm

Why is his name cash and carry? He should have told Paulson, no, I’m sorry, i can’t take this job. My name is Cash Carry.

TGY November 15, 2008 at 5:23 am

Seems to me we got 700 billion rattling around, controlled by people with a minimum number of brain cells. I’d just like to modestly recommend the TGY Debt Relief Fund Handjob Charity Auction, is all I’m sayin’.

wonkthis November 15, 2008 at 10:21 am

The smirking by the guy on the right is hilarious.

wonkthis November 15, 2008 at 10:22 am

And could cashcarry be a more appropriate name for this chump?

Monkey November 15, 2008 at 12:14 pm


1ofUS November 15, 2008 at 3:18 pm

1 : a short thick heavy piece of wood for bludgeoning congressional inquiry
2 slang chiefly Britain : HEAD ON A PLATTER
3 a : stupid lout : BLOCKHEAD, FOOL ON THE HILL b : GULL, DUPE; specifically : intended victim
–off one’s chump slang chiefly Britain : out of one’s mind : CRAZY

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