unpleasant committee hearings

“Is Kashkari A Chump?”

Sexy Neel Kashkari, the 35-year-old former Goldman Sachs investor Hank Paulson selected to run the so-far embarrassing $700 billion bailout program, went before a House committee today to be brutally excoriated, roasted on a spit, and then sodomized by the giddy Elf King Dennis Kucinich and his snarling band of blood monsters. The highlight, and an instant Congressional Hearings Classic, came from Rep. Elijah Cummings of Maryland: “Mr. Kashkari, in the neighborhood I grew up in, in the inner city of Baltimore, one of the things that you tried to do was make sure that you were not considered a chump … Well, is Kashkari a chump?” [YouTube, HuffPo]

About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

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  • Neon Trotsky

    What an unfortunate name for someone entrusted with enormous amounts of public funds. I hope that he doesn’t “kari” all the “kash” to some overseas bank account…

  • obfuscator

    “It ain’t cool to be a jive turkey so close to Thanksgiving!”

  • Lascauxcaveman

    Is “chump” going to be the new “GILF,” or something?

  • termite

    I love that dude behind Cummings trying his hardest not to burst out laughing.

  • Kev-O-Tron

    Let’s see…. Thirty-five year old who thinks he’s in the movie Boiler Room and tries to pull off the Vin Diesel shaved head look…

    yep he’s a chump.

  • Neilist

    A bald chump.

    Who’d have to take the bottom bunk.

    And call his cellmate “Daddy.”

    And who thought the shower room was the “train station,” If-You-Know-What-I-Mean-And-I-Think-You-Do.

    “Alllllllllll aboarddddddddddd theeeeeeeeeeeeeee honkeyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!”

  • Dave J.

    In the epic Battle of the Bald Monsters, round 1 def goes to Cummings.

  • Serolf Divad

    Hey, if some of my employees had suckered a client into handing over $150,000,000,000.00 I’d want those employees taking home fat bonus checks, too!

  • pourmecoffee

    The only proper answer to that is to lunge over the tables and thumb his eyes until they bleed.

  • Bypartizoa

    “No, sir. I’m not a chump. I am, however, a ‘punk-ass bitch'”

  • N8Ma

    I think we’ve figured out AngryBlakGuy’s identity in real life…

  • Godot

    He may be a chump, but in his defense he’s neither a sucka nor a jabroni.

  • NoWireHangers

    Dennis Kucinich and his Congressional crew gonna be cold regulatin’ yo ass Kashkari. Elijah Cummings gonna lean out the side of the Congressional whip and just be poppin’ caps in the asses of any chumps that be takin’ the tax payers’ cheese.

  • queeraselvis v 2.0

    Rope-a-Dope, boy-eeeee!

  • Nigerian Business Executive

    [re=177365]Bypartizoa[/re]: He could be my punk-ass bitch any and ever time he wanted.

  • SayItWithWookies
  • Carrie_Okie

    More importantly; Does he look like a bitch?

  • obfuscator

    “Mr. Kashkari, would you characterize yourself as a ‘mark-ass trick’, or do you feel that ‘trick-ass mark’ would more accurately describe your peformance under Secretary Paulson?”

  • ManchuCandidate

    If only Elijah did a Barbara Billingsley aka Mrs Cleaver from Airplane:

    “Cut me some slack, Jack! Chump don’ want no help, chump don’t GET da’ help!”

  • Miller

    It seems to me that the guy who’s shifty, evasive, vague, and is randomly dicking around with $700 billion isn’t the chump, it’s the people who let him get away with it. See Cummings, it is yuo who art teh chumpz0rz!

    http://thesebastards.blogspot.com/

  • monty

    Neil Kash-n-Kari is just towin the party line tryin to make sure that the 700bn ends up in Goldman nutsacks coffers like it was supposed to.

  • norbizness

    And that’s why Black Oak Arkansas wrote the song Uncle ‘Lijah.

  • 2druk2phluq

    [re=177384]SayItWithWookies[/re]: You has good photobuckets. The bestest part iz the pitchers.

  • bitchincamaro

    “Yes sir, I am in fact, Chimpy’s chump.”

  • problemwithcaring

    Ugh, this guys makes me miss the Douglas Feith testimonies…

  • x111e7thst

    I have looked into Kashkari’s eyes and seen his soul, and Kashkari is indeed a chump.

  • Kos

    [re=177355]obfuscator[/re]: YEAH.

  • nurple

    Wookies – eheheh

  • Kos

    He’s not a chump, but he looks like the guy who played The Mummy.

  • null

    Mini-me can only be a chump if Paulson is a chump…Well, is Paulson a chump?

  • Kidshowbusiness

    Man, the chumps are the people left holding the bag, not the people depositing $700 billion dollar checks. If we want to see chumps we can just go look in the mirror.

  • Scooter

    Mr. Kashkari, do you currently agree with the notion that life is a cabaret? If so, what effect will this have on the inner workings of the bailout package?

  • WhatTheHeck

    You are talking about 700 large ones.
    There are lots of folks who would be willing to be someone’s chump for that king of taxpayers’ largesse.

    If Kash had learned anything from Palin, he could have answered: “Let’s make America safe from communism… we’re… have been using this money to.. to make us great again…that is, freedom from the general population whom we serve. We serve these constit… people so we can fleece them… that is… help them to be hard workin’… Now from my office I can see the fear in Wall Street…

  • xavan

    [re=177389]Carrie_Okie[/re]: If not, why would we fuck him like a bitch?

  • Doglessliberal

    [re=177367]N8Ma[/re]: oh wow! Totally!

  • bitchincamaro

    This is not chump change we can believe in!

  • Min

    King Dennis rulz!

  • sati demise

    [re=177499]Min[/re]: Huzzah Dennis.

  • The Cold Sea

    Congress are the chumps. They fell for Iraq, Homeland Security, FISA and now the outright raiding of the treasury.

  • V572625694

    [re=177367]N8Ma[/re]: You mean Wonkette isn’t real life?

  • rocktonsammy

    is that Colbert to left of the crazy guy?

  • Borat

    Ha ha. Nate Silver is the Chump. This guy’s got 1 million times more and not even close to being NateSilverSmart!

  • Doktor Avalanche

    The chump factor on this one is way off the scale.

  • DangerousLiberal

    “Congressman, I heard the words, but what in the fuck are you asking me, again? Because right now, there may be one bald chump in the room, but I’m not feeling it here at the witness table.”

  • villageatrois

    “Well, Sena-Congress Dude, in Akron, where I grew up, a chump was somebody who loaned a lot of his net worth to a guy who just left his job at GS to go into public service, based on a handshake, good intentions, and a two-page memo.”

    Also: Neel K was born with a deer-in-headlights expression: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kashkari

  • Pop Socket

    It’s not gay if you’re on top.

  • NYNYNY

    Why is his name cash and carry? He should have told Paulson, no, I’m sorry, i can’t take this job. My name is Cash Carry.

  • TGY

    Seems to me we got 700 billion rattling around, controlled by people with a minimum number of brain cells. I’d just like to modestly recommend the TGY Debt Relief Fund Handjob Charity Auction, is all I’m sayin’.

  • wonkthis

    The smirking by the guy on the right is hilarious.

  • wonkthis

    And could cashcarry be a more appropriate name for this chump?

  • Monkey

    Priceless.

  • 1ofUS

    1 : a short thick heavy piece of wood for bludgeoning congressional inquiry
    2 slang chiefly Britain : HEAD ON A PLATTER
    3 a : stupid lout : BLOCKHEAD, FOOL ON THE HILL b : GULL, DUPE; specifically : intended victim
    –off one’s chump slang chiefly Britain : out of one’s mind : CRAZY