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Dudes… she is a gem. Sarah Palin. She gave a press conference yesterday — her first national press conference, ever — as part of the Republican Governors’ Association conference in the latest move for her nascent 2012 campaign.

Her astounding opening speech lasts for more than half of the press conference, and it’s classic Palin: the nouns are there (“governors,” “work,” “2012,” etc.), but everything in between is a hellish, primordial shitheap of misplaced modifiers, abrupt switchings of tense, and sounds that simply are not words.

And gerunds.

There are so many gerunds in places that do not need gerunds. She is insulting you with gerunds. She uses a gerund to start every “sentence” (more like, word-sequence). That is her way of telling you to fuck off and die.

The first reporter’s question, naturally, is, Why are you only talking to the media now? Palin answers that it’s because the campaign is over. We do not think she meant it that way, but who can even tell.

[YouTube]

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  • undermedicated

    We can only hope that she continues to be the voice of the Republican party.

  • cal

    LOLPalin

  • sanantonerose

    I won’t repeat now what I’ll be saying then…

  • jinmoom

    Look at all them reporters hungry for a gaffe.

  • monty

    i had to go look up what a gerund was, thx a ton you elitest swine son of a motherless goat!!!

  • norbizness

    The only funnier thing is the rest of her GOP governor-colleagues fretting that she’s becoming “the face of the party.” Yes, who could have confused theocratic know-nothingism with the modern GOP? I’m so fucking addlepated!

  • ManchuCandidate

    Once a famewhore, always a famewhore.

    Can’t wait till she shows up on Celebrity Boxing or the Surreal Life.

  • Deepthroat

    Fucking GERUNDS!!!!! NOOOOOOOO!!!!!

  • Texan Bulldoggette

    For once my governor did something smart & put ‘whackjob diva’ out of her misery by ending the questions. It would have been nice if some intrepid journalist had asked her what she thought about the nuclear proliferation ban on countries outside of the GMT zone that abut the Danube River near Lithuania. Hee hee….

  • Schmannity

    The best part about Sarah Palin is that “public intellectual” Ann Coulter has to defend the nitwit.

  • ivenson

    Gave up when she said “you guys are wanting to dissect the past”. Awful passive voice manner of speech, she looks terrified. Go away madam. You have ceased to be interesting.

  • AngryBlakGuy

    …please someone, how do we donate to her 2012 campaign!?!?

  • bignutz2

    Try to diagram some of those sentences. You can’t.

    Also, she looks like she’s about to cry.

  • choinski

    In what sense, Charlie?

  • HuskyMescan
  • Texan Bulldoggette

    [re=176876]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: I was just thinking it’s a weird day when I can thank God I have a governor that I’m not totally ashamed of, and believe me–Rick Perry is pretty useless but at least his brain is actually connected.

  • 4tehlulz

    Sarah Palin as nominee, and Michael Steele as RNC chair.

    Can it possibly get any better than that?

  • AngryBlakGuy

    …is Trig her speech writer?!

  • blader

    [re=176886]bignutz2[/re]:

    I noticed that too. Could be she’s about to squeeze out another baby

  • jennx

    [re=176886]bignutz2[/re]: She always looks like she’s about to cry when there’s no teleprompter. Makes you wonder why she’s putting herself through all this. Probably for the good of America.

  • NoWireHangers

    OMG SHUT UP TROLLOP!

    I’m sorry, but the only thing I wanted to come out of the 2008 election (other than a shattering Barry win) was for this idiotic moron to finally realize she was an idiot. Sadly, I don’t think she gets it. She still doesn’t get it. You are a stupid bitch, Sarah Palin. Now shut the FUCK up.

  • Tra

    [re=176882]ivenson[/re]:

    I like how “the past” now covers “last week.”

    At this rate, I expect her to sorrowfully chide reporters for dissecting “the past” when they try to ask follow-up questions about the comment that just left her mouth. Don’t they understand that sentence is in the past, a full .5 seconds ago?

  • bluebrazos

    Listening to her speak evokes the phrase “stream of consciousness”. Then I realize that’s an insult to William Faulkner, so I try “stream of semi-consciousness”. But I realize that’s still wrong, so I settle for “river of shit.”

  • Capitol Hillbilly

    Mr. Newell you are doing a good job of holding down the fort. I daresay you have earned a puppy.

  • BaxterJones
  • obfuscator

    [re=176888]HuskyMescan[/re]: “I’m strong like the Hulk!!1!”

  • Serolf Divad

    On of Andrew Sullivan’s readers found the earliest known new report about Sarah Palin. It’s pretty hilarious.

  • lenorecutie

    She looks like a deer in the headlights when she’s answering questions.

  • bluetom00

    The best part is that CNN insists on quoting her unnecessary gerunds in one of their titles.

  • Carrie_Okie

    i can has transcript plz kthnxbyeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!111111111111onewantontwatwaffle

  • benj-thewrathofgod

    Ho jeez. If Jindal has an ounce of ambition he is now vowing by St. Christopher that he will destroy her in 2012.

  • 4tehlulz

    [re=176895]NoWireHangers[/re]: ZOMGWTFOTL you are only saying that because she is a successful woman that won’t abort her daughter’s retarded babies /Lady Crystal Methe de Rothschild

  • Texmandie

    [re=176889]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: Wow. She made Governor Goodhair (rest in peace, Molly) look wise and clever.

  • Kev-O-Tron

    You know what Newell? Not everyone is a genius at sentence making like you Elite Bloggers. Some of us went to crappy public skools and attended colleges that recruit at the special olympics (I went to one of Palin’s many colleges by the way).

    Now I’m off to Google to learn about these ‘gerunds’ you speak of.

  • randomsausage

    [re=176907]benj-thewrathofgod[/re]: Jindal will outsource her red-neck ass

  • JamesMichaelCurley

    I tried to down load a file of one of her interviews and my anti-virus program screamed and erased itself.

  • Mustang

    Rode hard and put up wet.

  • HuskyMescan

    [re=176901]obfuscator[/re]: lol. I see so many analogies between the republicans/palin and Bob Lamonta’s parents.

  • obfuscator

    [re=176882]ivenson[/re]: I can understand why she’d be irritated by the media. She’s busy trying to set herself up for 2012, but the goshdarn busybody journalists can’t stop talking about how she was the worst vp pick EVAR, golly gee doncha know.

  • OffTheRecord

    Nooo! Make it stop! Make it stop!

  • Palin-Plumber2012

    Taibbi has a good take on this

    http://www.rollingstone.com/blogs/taibbiunbound/2008/11/palinalysis.php

    I think his analysis explains why, for as similarly stupid Palin is to Bush, she quickly lost her comedic value and became incredibly insufferable, despite the frequent gaffes and dirt discovered.

  • Harmless

    A word salad in every pot! Palin 2012!

  • NoWireHangers

    She’s all slangin’ in pleather with her hair down. What, is the fucking wind machine broken, Caribou? Your looks and popularity with the mouth-breathing masses can’t carry you to the White House. Please go raise your children and quarantine your political idiocy to Alaska. Please, for the good of the nation.

  • 4tehlulz

    [re=176902]Serolf Divad[/re]: “‘We want to see Ivana,’ said Palin, who admittedly smells like salmon for a large part of the summer, ‘because we are so desperate in Alaska for any semblance of glamour and culture.'”

    This is the most sublime sentence in the history of American journalism.

  • memzilla

    Anagrams for “Sarah Palin” include: “Sharia Plan,” “Anal Parish,” and “Las Piranha.”

    (a tip of the Hatlo Hat to http://wordsmith.org/anagram ).

  • Min

    Sarah Palin…the gift that keeps on giving.

  • Origami

    Looks like someone skipped out on learning some “beauty secrets” at the Day of Beauty, eh?

  • thesycophant

    “Bring back the change that is so desired by the American public.”

    I skipped to a random place in the video and was greeted with that. What a fucktard.

  • Johnny Zhivago

    Hey, who told her she could keep that jacket!

  • UrbanTiki

    Also…

  • bonsai pajamas

    Press conferrin’ is best done with a whale bladder full of gerunds in tow, don’tcha know? You betcha! Darn tootin’ it is!

    But, seriously, what we’d all like to know is who won the Bobby Jindal nutsack dive at this conference. You betcha we would!

  • Flying Monkey

    Oh Sarah, how can we miss you if you won’t go away?

  • Capitol Hillbilly

    ah, she doesn’t know the difference between a gerund and a garden variety participle. add that to her study list for 2012.

  • Clyde Midia

    ………..”who admittedly smells like salmon for a large part of the summer.”
    And that’s only one of the reasons I’m gay.

  • demtard

    Whoa. She really gets forcibly handled at 6:24…

  • jbd

    [re=176870]monty[/re]: No, no. From now on we just call everyone a yiffpile.

  • Rush

    Anagram for “gerund” = “nudger”

  • Valkyrie

    [re=176917]Palin-Plumber2012[/re]: Taibbi thinks he’s in Mpls, but the “Limbergh terminal” is next door in the cheese state.

  • schnooten

    Was that one or two sentences?

  • proudcitizen

    “The past is the past… It’s behind us.” And therein lies most of the Repugs problems. They never, ever learn from the mistakes they made in the past because they won’t go there. So, they just keep doing the same shit over and over.

  • Anonymous Office Zombie

    [re=176864]undermedicated[/re]:
    Oh, and what a voice it ’tis. I thought Bush was bad, but with Palin you get Bush’s discommunicational syntax errors delivered in the most annoying kindergarten teacher voice on the planet.

  • dougbob

    puleeese do run sarah in 2012. four years of hopey are liable to suck all the good snark out of the blogosphere.

  • MadMangosteen

    “I know that a lot in the media you guys are wanting to dissect the past, and you’re already worrying about it and kind of playing that pundits’ role and what’s going to happen in 2010 – 2012! – is where so much of the discussion has been, well, as far as we’re concerned the past is the past…”

    what the FUCK

  • twoeightnine

    Budgetsthssss. Also.

  • Gopherit

    My god. She really is a female Dubya.

    Thank you, Alaska. And we didn’t get you anything.

  • AliBabaInBA

    Without a ‘g’ it isn’t a gerund, it’s a palin.
    I, for one, am grateful for finally having a grammatical term to describe this specific idiomatic usage. Idiotmatic?

  • TJBeck

    It appears she has dropped McCain as her lawyer, and brought in Rick Perry.

  • HuskyMescan

    [re=176954]MadMangosteen[/re]: wow, it makes even less sense when see her words.

  • queeraselvis v 2.0

    [re=176912]JamesMichaelCurley[/re]: Thank you. I needed that laugh today.

  • randomsausage

    she talks purtier than a $20 whore

  • texette

    From the body language of her “pals” I’m starting the think that they will eat their own. I bet there is a desperate campaign to find a replacement for her ASAP conducted by this very group. I don’t think they can stand her, and won’t stand to let her lead them around for years to come. The revolution will come from within, and it won’t be pretty.

  • bitchincamaro

    This bint is still on the pipe.

  • Carleaux The Pup

    In whom’s respect, Charlie?

  • Miller

    Her cat’s breath smells like cat food. She does have a learning disability, right? I mean I keep hearing about her supposed political skills and they don’t seem to involve answering simple questions or sounding like English is her first language. I assumed people were grading her on a curve because of some verbal dyslexia.

    http://thesebastards.blogspot.com/

  • carrythezero

    Oddly, her performance reminded me when I was the defensive attorney in my 12th grade teen court.

    I WON MY CASE.

    DON’T COUNT HER OUT! Snowbilly has the eye of the tiger.

  • queeraselvis v 2.0

    She needs to get those New York stylists back on the job pronto. Her hair looks like two rabid gay muskrats fighting over who gets to Dirty Sanchez the other first.

  • norbizness

    [re=176888]HuskyMescan[/re]: So Palin gives her kids some beer and some frozen peas when she’s out making an ass of herself?

  • longjohnson

    Palin – a Republican strategy – http://www.cmongethappy.com/eguide/ep26.htm

  • WhatTheHeck

    Oh lordy. What a dipshit! She insults hy inner gerund-absorbing ear with her noises.
    If the republicans are proud of this dingbat, then it says a lot about those idiots.
    They are desperate! And losers!

  • evolutionista

    [re=176902]Serolf Divad[/re]: that is great. good luck auctioning off those salmon scented designer outfits rnc!

    and the donald hates them both. also.

  • obfuscator

    [re=176995]Miller[/re]: Is there a political equivalent to the Special Olympics? Oh, yeah I forgot. She’s already the governor of that.

  • Das Storminator

    Isn’t journalism school supposed to warn you about the overuse of gerunds?

  • Deepthroat

    queeraselvis v 2.0: Agreed. She looks like she fell face first into a MAC counter.

  • obfuscator

    [re=176999]norbizness[/re]: McCain puts his hand on Palin’s shoulder and says, “My shoes hurt, too, Governor Palin. My shoes hurt, too.”

  • Mara47

    With that voice, I keep expecting her to yell at “Stoo-ert” in the playground and going “huh huh huh” to some poor passing schlub while adjusting the angle of her “pockabook.”

    Imagine the sound of acrylic nails scraping down a blackboard, ramp it up to, oh, 120 decibels and you have me, screaming.

  • answerbird

    She definately is an evil plot by Rove to protect the Bush legacy. Bush looks like Churchill compared to her.

  • lurkystars

    I got to 3 minutes, and my eyes started to cross. Could.not.continue.

  • StupidGeek

    [re=176873]ManchuCandidate[/re]: I think she’d do well on Dancing with the Stars. Might even get some votes!

  • Ted Perino

    OMG, I just realized that she has the female version of “Republican Hair.”

    Her hair is the moral equivalent of Trent Lott’s hair. It it the hair of successful real estate sales people.

    And I believe a gerund is really just a maverick prostate.

    Thank you John McCain. Thank you Republican Party. You have so much enriched my world.

  • populucious

    [re=176882]ivenson[/re]: If the media didn’t want to dissect the past, not one of them would have shown up for her press conference, leaving her speaking to no one. I would ask how she manages to hold these opposing concepts in tension without her head exploding, but the question would probably make her head explode.

    That would, of course, be fun for all of us, but hell on poor Joe the Janitor who would have to clean it up.

  • emberglance
  • dano

    [re=176902]Serolf Divad[/re]: Two Words: Holy. Shit.

  • heronimule

    Who is in charge of her? Someone clearly told her to strike while the iron is hot. Sure, that works if you want to be Joe the Plumber. If you want to be president, it’s better to let that bastard cool while you learn how to compose a sentence.

  • finallyhappy

    [re=176890]4tehlulz[/re]: Maybe, maybe not- who will be her VP?

  • The 3-Legged Man

    She’ll run for Don Young’s seat in Congress in 2010. There will be many, many opportunities for her to disgorge the randomness that is the English language as she promotes her vision of The New Maverick Brand.

  • ducandy

    Another Sarah Palin anagram; A Sharp Nail.

  • Ted Perino

    [re=177043]finallyhappy[/re]: Ooooh, that’s a dark question. The VP is sometimes chosen so as to make the Pres look good by contrast (e.g., Dan Quayle).

    A fungus perhaps?

  • Chotchingsley

    You take forever to say nothing.

  • bitchincamaro

    [re=177029]emberglance[/re]: Love it!

  • CivicHoliday

    “Sarah Palin, a commercial fisherman from Wasilla, told her husband on Tuesday she was driving to Anchorage to shop at Costco. Instead, she headed straight for Ivana. And there, at J.C. Penney’s cosmetic department, was Ivana, the former Mrs. Donald Trump, sitting at a table next to a photograph of herself. She wore a light-colored pantsuit and pink fingernail polish. Her blonde hair was coiffed in a bouffant French twist. ”

    At least now we see the inspiration for her wardrobe and hair…

  • sarahconnor

    [re=176997]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: ha ha ha, she looks like she just rode in from Sturgis. with the black leather, teased hair and the tattoo lip liner… just gross. bleh.

  • JadedDIssonance

    No, No. You all have it all wrong. We’re not listening to this, remember? All I hear are choirs of unicorns. Now it’s time for the aborted fetus solo! Aww, little backup stemcells! And now our O faces.

  • Johnny Zhivago

    [re=177085]CivicHoliday[/re]: Fingernail polish and a French Twist??? Next thing you know Sarah’s going to be cooking them salmon in a real pan on a stove!

  • Paterlanger

    Again with the clothes from 7 of 9s wardrobe. She’s in something vaguely military every time I see her. And can you imagine how it feels for Charlie and Arnold to share the stage with her. These guys govern states that include counties that are more populous than Alaska. Behind her back they probably call her the Mayor of Alaska.

  • longjohnson

    Ya know, I have never read or seen anywhere, for that matter, what type of tits Sarah has?

    Are they straight out projectiles, firm with rocket like consequences, or do they shoot out in different directions, sorta like that way she speaks, also?

  • pepe

    “Offer solutions that I think, uh, will be… SOUGHT” — Sarah Palin

    Her mouth is like a poetry faucet!

  • lotusflwr

    Gerundin’ there in front of the media, just, you know has to be hard and then having to try and, sort of, deal with a lot of the um, and negatives of the media when trying hard conveying what she stands for, and, I think a lot if it has to do with the party as a whole and the Americans, the American people too, because they deserve a straight answer and trying to give that is what she’s all about, so yeah.

    I swear every time she finishes speaking, she should just show “SUCK IT!” so we know she’s fucking finished.

  • lotusflwr

    And by show I meant shout, which just goes to show (shout?) you that speaking like her can make you temporarily into an imbecile.

  • answerbird

    ducandy: who about Snap Liar?

  • Georgia Burning

    Sarah Palin could be the final wedge that makes the small government and college conservative Republicans run away screaming from the Christian jihadists and neo-con wackos. If this happens, history will deal kindly with John McCain for his pivtal role in the salvation of the republic. Yeah, it’s not how he planned it, but still….

  • Alaska Girl

    Maybe she should seek the help of a gerundtologist?

  • chalkgirl

    Ha ha ha. I love it when the reporter asks her why she’s finally holding press conferences and she says “becuase the campaign is over.” Everyone laughed at her when she said that.

  • aflurry

    Maybe she’ll name her next child “Gerund.”

  • S.Luggo

    Cut her a break. She’s translating in her head from Barbie into English. You try to do that.

  • PineyWoodster

    Where’d that folksy twang go?

  • One Yield Regular

    For weeks this woman kept me awake at night; now I’m finding she’s had an impact on my ability to speak. These corrugated new syntactical twists keep finding, also, their way into my head.

    Would that those self-appointed guardians against bad language in music could crusade just as hard against the pernicious influence of Sarah Palin speaking. Also.

  • NoWireHangers

    [re=177133]Georgia Burning[/re]: That’s an excellent point. A delicious point.

  • One Yield Regular

    Oh, and: “bring BACK the change”?

    Republicanism in a nutshell.

  • Pat Pending

    I kept wondering why this speech pattern sounded so familiar and why it was putting me to sleep. This is like every fucking marketing staff meeting I’ve ever attended. More PowerPoint!

  • lumpenprole

    [re=176869]jinmoom[/re]:
    Look at all them reporters hungry for a gaffe.

    I hope they’re hungry, cuz Palin `12 is going to feel like they’re being prepped for foie gras.

  • keepinitrealyo

    I used to have a district manager who would pad a 5 minute meeting to an hour, solely by reusing the phrase “moving forward.” I long for his clarity.

  • Pope Priapus

    GET A GERUND MORANS!!!!!

  • Deepthroat

    [re=177163]S.Luggo[/re]: tee-hee!

  • flyingspaghettimonster

    “bring back the change”? isn’t that an oxymoron?

  • Hot_Carl

    Didn’t take long for her hair to revert back to Wassillabilly chic did it?

  • Hot_Carl

    Wassillabilly ™2008

  • buggers

    Where is Terry Tate when we need him…

  • tednugentslover

    does she know Rick Perry is gay?

  • swinger1121

    Is retardation hereditary?

  • IronLung

    [re=176971]AliBabaInBA[/re]: You’re thinking of a Palin-drome.

  • napalmnacey

    Listening to her makes me go Rainman. I start smacking myself and whimpering because of the noise she makes in my head. She just doesn’t FINISH SENTENCES properly!! Oh, the grammar, the grammar…

  • WesternCorrespondent

    I’m still waiting for someone in the Media to realize that the clothes she’s wearing these days post Nov. 4th are NOT the clothes she’s been photographed in, in her years as mayor of Wasilla nor in the past 2 years as governor. I want someone to ask if she’s still “borrowing” them from the RNC, or did the RNG actually give them to her after all, or did she pay for any of the outfits?

    I haven’t seen the red zip-up jacket yet, or the tuxedo-front silk jacket, but maybe what she’s been wearing are the 1/3rd that were still on the plane but not returned because they didn’t fit…

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