TRAPS  6:08 pm November 13, 2008

The Last Time You Will Ever See Joe Biden

by Jim Newell

Even if Joe Biden manages to escape Dick Cheney’s house and walk out that front door again… well, he’ll never be the same. Oh, the horrible things he will see. There’ll be no more jokes from Crazy Joe, we’re afraid. [YouTube]

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FindFuckandFlee November 13, 2008 at 6:11 pm

that guy in green looks pretty sharp.

sk1win November 13, 2008 at 6:11 pm

Seriously, Dick Cheney is the fucking boogie-man!

Kev-O-Tron November 13, 2008 at 6:13 pm

Joe’s gonna end up as a lampshade in Cheney’s lair.

Itsjustme November 13, 2008 at 6:13 pm

Wow! Cheney is a rude old bastard.

sk1win November 13, 2008 at 6:15 pm

It would have been awesome if the assistant pulled the shade right at the end. You know, just to add to ominousness.

Them November 13, 2008 at 6:22 pm

At least now he’ll have a solid reason for his gaffes.

Tawmn November 13, 2008 at 6:23 pm

[re=176419]sk1win[/re]: ominousity

NoWireHangers November 13, 2008 at 6:23 pm

How long will the lobotomy take?

CivicHoliday November 13, 2008 at 6:25 pm

Geez, the Bidens are SO much hotter than the Cheneys!! I hope Dick doesn’t make a pass at Jill in his lair. Then again, she’s an athlete, so she’d probably just reach through that rice paper chest of his and pull out his still beating heart, Temple of Doom style.

SayItWithWookies November 13, 2008 at 6:30 pm

Even in that low-res shot, Cheney has a smile that could freeze the warts off a toad. Good thing Biden’s got 70 days or so to bury the trauma of this evening.

Min November 13, 2008 at 6:34 pm

Run, Joe! Run for your life!

problemwithcaring November 13, 2008 at 6:36 pm

Oh dear God, did you see him try and quickly slam the door to keep the photographer out?

emberglance November 13, 2008 at 6:37 pm

Once again, the Democrat couple are taller than the Republican couple. Conclusive proof that absolute power makes you smaller.

Valkyrie November 13, 2008 at 6:37 pm

With their brain transplantations complete, Dick and Lynn look forward to their third term, now in healthier, prettier host bodies.

The Intern November 13, 2008 at 6:37 pm

Cheney is gonna show Joe his undisclosed location.

bitchincamaro November 13, 2008 at 6:39 pm

I see dead people.

Pat Pending November 13, 2008 at 6:43 pm

Joe’s gonna lose his hair plugs… DUCK, JOE, DUCK!!!! AND WATCH OUT FOR THE WINGED BATS!!!

cakeordeath November 13, 2008 at 6:51 pm

[re=176458]Pat Pending[/re]: As opposed to which kind of bats?

Viva la Cynthia November 13, 2008 at 6:55 pm

This is like the elementary school pageant production of the Obama/Bush White House meeting.

Scandalabra November 13, 2008 at 6:56 pm

The front of that house is surprisingly transparent.

Naked Bunny with a Whip November 13, 2008 at 6:56 pm

Joe who?

AngryBlakGuy November 13, 2008 at 6:58 pm

…Biden has already scheduled a:

-7th Level Mage
-Palm Reader
-Witch Doctor

just so that they could get the Master Bedrooms walls to stop bleeding. And lets not even go into what is required to seal the portal to hell in the basement.

AngryBlakGuy November 13, 2008 at 6:59 pm

…oops, it looks like Dick Cheney forgot to put on his FLESH-SUIT when he answered the door!

youbastid November 13, 2008 at 6:59 pm

Am I the only person that thinks this looks like the set of a high school play?

NoWireHangers November 13, 2008 at 7:01 pm

Leave a trail of breadcrumbs so you can find your way home, Bidens!

AngryBlakGuy November 13, 2008 at 7:02 pm

[re=176475]youbastid[/re]: …I didn’t know any high-schools put on the play “Nosferatu”?!

Rush November 13, 2008 at 7:03 pm

Quid pro quo Clarice

President X November 13, 2008 at 7:04 pm

Joe was such a good friend to the people of his birthplaces….Scranton, Old Forge, Clarks Summit and Yostville, and to the places where he was raised and worked in the coal mines and steel mills until age ten, Fayetteville, Summersville, Logan, Crab Orchard and Gilbert….but now, ladies and gentlemen, Jumpin’ Joe and his bride Doctor Jill lie cold and anesthetisized on stainless steel operating tables in the third basement of Number One Observatory Circle.

Dick Cheney’s staff will observe the dormant forms for a few weeks while slowly extracting the precious bodily fluids, before releasing the Manchurian Vice President into the parklands surrounding the Cheney homestead. Sadly, Doctor Jill and her mate will be hunted down by moose-mastiff hybrids from the Plum Island Animal Lab, and their heads mounted at the Cheney retirement ranch in Riverton, Wyoming.

A sad, sad day for the ‘merkins – without Joe Biden, Hopey will soon spiral out of control wildly and lose the love of his country sand the world. Palin will be appointed Precedent by the outgoing Bush Supremes, and order restored as before.

About that “assistant” closing the door – I think I recognize him from A mean bottom boy if I ever saw one, but skilled with the electrodes and mouth gags.

AngryBlakGuy November 13, 2008 at 7:04 pm

…I heard that from the master bedroom you have a great view of the river Styx and 3rd ring of hell!

glamourdammerung November 13, 2008 at 7:10 pm

[re=176414]FindFuckandFlee[/re]: I was thinking the guy in green looked like the actor that played Doctor No.

Rush November 13, 2008 at 7:10 pm


Please allow me to introduce myself
I’m a man of wealth and taste
I’ve been around for a long, long year
Stole many a mans soul and faith

The Station Manager November 13, 2008 at 7:12 pm

God damn, Cheney straight don’t give a FUCK.

AngryBlakGuy November 13, 2008 at 7:12 pm

…I envision Joe Biden running through that house like Indiana Jones in the “Temple of Doom”!

J05H November 13, 2008 at 7:19 pm

[re=176464]cakeordeath[/re]: as compared to the famous Mexican Flightless Bat?

NoWireHangers November 13, 2008 at 7:20 pm

On the bright side, if the Bidens ever want to spice up their sex life with a little S&M, the dungeons are already there!

AnnieGetYourFun November 13, 2008 at 7:20 pm

The body language of the above shot tells me everything anyone ever needs to know about the difference between Dems and Repubs. Subtle, but present.

Clamps November 13, 2008 at 7:22 pm

If it’s a trap, where’s Lando Calrissian?

The Station Manager November 13, 2008 at 7:25 pm

Let us all pray that they are bringing new mattresses to this accursed place.

shortsshortsshorts November 13, 2008 at 7:34 pm

Joe the Senator will now be Joe the Dead Senator.

Ted Perino November 13, 2008 at 7:34 pm

Why does Circuit City hate me? I bought some speakers there, once. I never bothered them, so why are they bothering me?

OffTheRecord November 13, 2008 at 7:35 pm

[re=176464]cakeordeath[/re]: Dude, it is Cheney. God only knows what kind of freakish experiments he has going in there. Personally, I think watching out for the flying monkeys would be better advice, but whatever.

PopeyesPipe November 13, 2008 at 7:36 pm

Their skulls will make fine goblets.

chascates November 13, 2008 at 7:39 pm

When a new resident moves into the Veep’s residence or the White House they get rid of the old mattresses, right?

Kidshowbusiness November 13, 2008 at 7:39 pm

[re=176503]Clamps[/re]: haha, I kept waiting for Admiral Ackbar to chime in there, give the Bidens fair warning. “It’s a trap!!”

Deepthroat November 13, 2008 at 7:42 pm

[re=176481]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: actually, i think the Cheney bedroom IS the third ring of hell… or maybe it was the eighth or ninth. Either way, HELL!!!11!

rocktonsammy November 13, 2008 at 7:45 pm

He needs a new huntin buddy Joe, tell him your busy.

Rush November 13, 2008 at 7:48 pm

“Sorry Joe, my daughter was just arrested protesting something in CA, meeting adjourned”

cspurgeon November 13, 2008 at 7:50 pm

Before the night is out, Joe will be at the bottom of The Pit, hearing a voice say “it puts the lotion in the basket.”

AngryBlakGuy November 13, 2008 at 8:01 pm

[re=176523]Deepthroat[/re]: …whichever ring they keep the aborted fetuses; sometimes he gets hungry you know!

chascates November 13, 2008 at 8:04 pm

[re=176433]CivicHoliday[/re]: Would that make any difference?

psychedelicSludge November 13, 2008 at 8:10 pm

In this C-SPAN clip from a parallel universe, the Jacobs/Cheney ticket has stormed the white house.
President Jill Jacobs and her running mate Lynne Cheney, together with the first and second gentlemen, enter the compound for port and pinochle.

Johnny Zhivago November 13, 2008 at 8:15 pm

Hey Wonketteers, stop snarking and go do something useful and vote for my cat:

Kinbote November 13, 2008 at 8:27 pm

[re=176527]cspurgeon[/re]: “Joe, could you help me with this couch? What are you, about a size 14?”

Servo November 13, 2008 at 8:28 pm

“We call this room…’The Farm’.” Dick shuffles his feet on the concrete floor, but it can’t hide the faint sounds of scratching. The unmistakable sound of fingernails on stone. The cries muffled by earth. The air in the room is heavy and stale. A single light sways from the center of the ceiling, flickering.

Jukesgrrl November 13, 2008 at 8:28 pm

Joe’s taller than Cheney. Will he fit in the man-sized safe?

wheelie November 13, 2008 at 8:32 pm

Dear Mr President-Elect,

I had Joe Biden and his wife for dinner in my place this evening.

I’ve tasted better, to be honest.

Yours etc,

Dick Cheney

Whiskeybaby November 13, 2008 at 8:45 pm

[re=176543]Johnny Zhivago[/re]: that’s a fine looking cat, sir.

jilly November 13, 2008 at 8:46 pm

The Bidens need a Buddhist monk, a LOT of burning sage, a Priest and that midget lady from Poltergeist to clean out that place AFTER the Cheneys move out, BEFORE the Bidens move in. Bill the RNC, they’ll pay for anything.

cal November 13, 2008 at 8:53 pm

“It puts the lotion in the basket, or else it gets the hose again.”

Scandalabra November 13, 2008 at 9:13 pm

Joe, we hardly knew ye…

shortsshortsshorts November 13, 2008 at 9:24 pm


I hate to be both off topic AND serious at the same time, but we folks in California really need your support on Saturday:

Nationwide “No on 8″ rallies are being held in at least one city in every state in the goddamn union. Please help this effort.
Truck NUTZ forever

Oh and please don’t ban me for this its like I’m posting my stupid blog or something.

Johnny Zhivago November 13, 2008 at 9:36 pm

[re=176563]Whiskeybaby[/re]: Thanks! BTW, even Zoe knew that Africa was a continent!

Deepthroat November 13, 2008 at 9:37 pm

[re=176571]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: actually, i am against marriage of any kind.

ghardcastle November 13, 2008 at 9:41 pm

I am eerily reminded of the beginning of the Cask of Amontillado. RUN AWAAAAAY JOE!!!

Kinbote November 13, 2008 at 9:46 pm

[re=176571]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: Fucking hell, can we get a banhammer here?

Barrett808 November 13, 2008 at 10:04 pm

Hilz for Secretary of State?!?!?!? NOES!!!1!1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1!!!

HuskyMescan November 13, 2008 at 10:13 pm

Dick: “So Joe….whaddya think of Lynne? You like her ass? So whaddya say we mix it up?”

ladymacbeth November 13, 2008 at 10:51 pm

i am forced to conclude that republicans are fat and out of shape.

this is not necessarily displeasing.

azw88 November 13, 2008 at 10:52 pm

[re=176556]wheelie[/re]: Served with some fava beans and a nice Chianti?

NoWireHangers November 13, 2008 at 10:57 pm

[re=176543]Johnny Zhivago[/re]: Aww, I’m a sucker for LOL Cats. Fluffy.

President X November 13, 2008 at 11:15 pm

[re=176480]President X[/re]: lose the love of his country AND the world

Sand got into my eye while crying with joy at the news of a Palin precedency; now no children left behind without a copy of the The Klansmen’s Voice in their book bag..

null November 13, 2008 at 11:34 pm

[re=176447]emberglance[/re]: Uneasy lies the head that wears the crown.

null November 13, 2008 at 11:45 pm

Dateline Salem Oregon: As everybody knows, the plane that is normally known as Air Force Two made an unscheduled stop here at McNary Field this morning. They did not use the Air Force Two call sign, signifying that Vice President Cheney was not aboard.

However, WTF was his plane doing here? Also, the thought that my fair city has been the secure, undisclosed location is rather creepy. While PDX might be “Little Beirut,” Salem is more like “Little Tulsa.” So it’s not outside the realm of possibility.

Point is that the shriveled homunculus that greeted the Bidens MIGHT NOT BE CHENEY AT ALL! And really, “Lynn” doesn’t even have an Adam’s Apple.

Lord Foppington of Dandyshire November 13, 2008 at 11:59 pm

call me an elitist, but I’m tired of seeing our political overlords dressed in pilgrimy black suits. I want pre-French Revolution aristocratic foppish frocks for all! Or at least Muslin flowing robes. Black suits are so Bush-era … but I’m drunk so what do I know? I love Joe the Biden though, and Lynne Cheney is unpleasantly plump.

jilly November 14, 2008 at 12:05 am

I’m sorry to all of you, I can’t think of anything witty, but I do want to say, FUCK YOU DICK CHENEY, YOU FUCKING SPAWN OF HELL. I was going to try to get a ticket to the innagural, but seeing that those are rare, I’ll definitely come out for Cheney’s funeral. Dick: please give me some notice here, some prolonged period of suffering would be friggin’ hella great, so’s that I can figure out my frequent flier stuff. Thanks, Dick, and I do mean, DICK.

shortsshortsshorts November 14, 2008 at 12:19 am

[re=176573]Deepthroat[/re]: Me too, but it’s a good start. I WONT B TEH SERIESZ ANY MOORES.

Bob W. November 14, 2008 at 12:23 am

Hopefully they don’t tax our booze until the second term.

HuskyMescan November 14, 2008 at 12:29 am

[re=176612]jilly[/re]: So tell us how you really feel. :)
Sad thing is that evil fuck will outlive us all like a fucking cockaroach

shortsshortsshorts November 14, 2008 at 12:42 am

[re=176578]Kinbote[/re]: Seriously!
Yes I fucking agree.

Lascauxcaveman November 14, 2008 at 12:42 am

[re=176447]emberglance[/re]: “Once again, the Democrat couple are taller than the Republican couple. Conclusive proof that absolute power makes you smaller.

Bullshit. All this proves is that short people are EVIL.


[re=176610]null[/re]: HA! Little Tulsa=Salem. Have a Disorder Porter on me at the Ram Brewpub. I was their first brewer there in 1996-97. Won a medal at the GABF with that beer. Or you could just have a Deschuttes Black Butte; that’s the recipe I stole it from. Is Keizer still scary as hell?

coldbrew2 November 14, 2008 at 2:11 am

last time you will ever see jill biden?

cakeordeath November 14, 2008 at 2:14 am

[re=176517]OffTheRecord[/re]: [re=176498]J05H[/re]: Maybe LOLbats?

HALP!!!! chenney iz rippin ours wings off!!!!

Mojopo November 14, 2008 at 2:26 am

If I were Joe Biden, I’d sage the holy hell out of that crib after I called an old priest and a young priest.

Isn’t Jill just as cute as a pony? Love her. I’m so sorry she had to see that.

Smoke Filled Roommate November 14, 2008 at 2:31 am

[re=176553]Jukesgrrl[/re]: Yes, he’ll fit amidst all the baby bones, dusty files and ‘Beezle’, Cheney’s locust-adorned sled..

Captain Swing November 14, 2008 at 6:31 am

Garlic necklaces – Check
Bottles of Holy Water – Check
Crucifixes – Check
Wooden stakes – Check

OK Jill… We’re going in!

regisgoat November 14, 2008 at 7:21 am

You just want to dub this clip in with “The Hall of the Mountain King.”

monty November 14, 2008 at 8:04 am

buenos dias shitheads

Servo November 14, 2008 at 8:35 am

Brilliant! I wish I could remember the name of a very amateur ( only understood the fundamentals of the instruments ) orchestra that recorded it on vinyl back in the ’70s or early ’80s. It always put tears in my eyes from laughter.

Shmucky DeFukhed November 14, 2008 at 8:49 am

Even if Joe Biden manages to escape Dick Cheney’s house and walk out that front door again… well, he’ll never be the same.

Thank Christ.

TGY November 14, 2008 at 8:54 am

Au contraire, it is apparent that the Bidens will take the Cheneys easily in a tag-team smackdown.

TGY November 14, 2008 at 8:55 am

“I’m here to kick ass and chew bubblegum, and I’m all out of gum.”

kdelarosa22 November 14, 2008 at 8:56 am

Just to be safe, the Bidens should have tied a rope around their waists ala poltergeist style.

JamesMichaelCurley November 14, 2008 at 9:26 am

[re=176648]Servo[/re]: “In the Hall of the Mountain King” is by Edvard Grieg, around 1870′s, written for the Operatic presentation of Heinrick Isben’s play Peer Gynt. As a short orchestral piece it has been done many times by less than stellar orchestras and ‘Great Classics’ collections. In my college days, a semi-competent heavy metal group called ‘Apocaloptica’ did a version with words, none of which were too memorable.

WIDTAP November 14, 2008 at 10:22 am

[re=176464]cakeordeath[/re]: Baseball, obviously. Didn’t you ever see “The Untouchables”?

S.Luggo November 14, 2008 at 10:30 am

Notice that Cheney tried to slam the door in the face of the Secret Service agent who was guarding the Bidens. Dick never did have an ounce for a respect for federal workers. Or am I missing his Darthship’s true intentions?

Servo November 14, 2008 at 10:55 am

Believe me, if you heard this orchestra, and particularly that piece, you would double over laughing. It sounds like pre-teens pumped full of Sudafed playing. Truly awful, but intentionally so.

bearbait November 14, 2008 at 11:04 am

[re=176464]cakeordeath[/re]: The one Cheney pulled the wings off of for sport, of course.

hobospacejungle November 14, 2008 at 11:34 am

I would so not want to live in that place after the creepshow currently residing there. It must smell something awful. I’d need to rip out all the carpets, wallpaper, toilets, baths, tiles, the whole kitchen, & anything else those freakshow Cheneys may have touched, and burn every piece of furniture with multiple priests, pastors, rabbis & other assorted religious figures chanting over the bonfire. And I’d put the windows back in the place, because certainly the Cheneys had them all bricked up, better to keep it dark for the seances, satanic worship and kid-diddling. But most assuredly the toilets. Especially the one where Dick dropped his daily monster feces pile of aborted fetuses and puppy stew.

“Check it Joe…quack…here’s where I take my bigass morning dump…quack…”

“Uh, yeah, thanks Mr. Vice-President. We’ve decided to burn this place to the ground and start over. Excuse me while I throw up on your wife.”

PJ November 14, 2008 at 10:58 pm

I thought we’d banned images of teratomas?

imisshim November 16, 2008 at 2:19 pm

It’s nice to see the tall people taking everything over. They look so much better than lame duck little shrimps that run the world oh-so-badly-right-now.

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