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Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

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100 comments

  1. sk1win

    It would have been awesome if the assistant pulled the shade right at the end. You know, just to add to ominousness.

  2. CivicHoliday

    Geez, the Bidens are SO much hotter than the Cheneys!! I hope Dick doesn’t make a pass at Jill in his lair. Then again, she’s an athlete, so she’d probably just reach through that rice paper chest of his and pull out his still beating heart, Temple of Doom style.

  3. SayItWithWookies

    Even in that low-res shot, Cheney has a smile that could freeze the warts off a toad. Good thing Biden’s got 70 days or so to bury the trauma of this evening.

  4. emberglance

    Once again, the Democrat couple are taller than the Republican couple. Conclusive proof that absolute power makes you smaller.

  5. Valkyrie

    With their brain transplantations complete, Dick and Lynn look forward to their third term, now in healthier, prettier host bodies.

  6. AngryBlakGuy

    …Biden has already scheduled a:

    -Exsorcist
    -Shaman
    -Paladin
    -7th Level Mage
    -Psychic
    -Palm Reader
    -Warlock
    -Witch Doctor

    just so that they could get the Master Bedrooms walls to stop bleeding. And lets not even go into what is required to seal the portal to hell in the basement.

  7. President X

    Joe was such a good friend to the people of his birthplaces….Scranton, Old Forge, Clarks Summit and Yostville, and to the places where he was raised and worked in the coal mines and steel mills until age ten, Fayetteville, Summersville, Logan, Crab Orchard and Gilbert….but now, ladies and gentlemen, Jumpin’ Joe and his bride Doctor Jill lie cold and anesthetisized on stainless steel operating tables in the third basement of Number One Observatory Circle.

    Dick Cheney’s staff will observe the dormant forms for a few weeks while slowly extracting the precious bodily fluids, before releasing the Manchurian Vice President into the parklands surrounding the Cheney homestead. Sadly, Doctor Jill and her mate will be hunted down by moose-mastiff hybrids from the Plum Island Animal Lab, and their heads mounted at the Cheney retirement ranch in Riverton, Wyoming.

    A sad, sad day for the ‘merkins – without Joe Biden, Hopey will soon spiral out of control wildly and lose the love of his country sand the world. Palin will be appointed Precedent by the outgoing Bush Supremes, and order restored as before.

    About that “assistant” closing the door – I think I recognize him from boundgods.com. A mean bottom boy if I ever saw one, but skilled with the electrodes and mouth gags.

  8. AngryBlakGuy

    …I heard that from the master bedroom you have a great view of the river Styx and 3rd ring of hell!

  9. glamourdammerung

    [re=176414]FindFuckandFlee[/re]: I was thinking the guy in green looked like the actor that played Doctor No.

  10. Rush

    [re=176481]AngryBlakGuy[/re]:

    Please allow me to introduce myself
    I’m a man of wealth and taste
    I’ve been around for a long, long year
    Stole many a mans soul and faith

  11. NoWireHangers

    On the bright side, if the Bidens ever want to spice up their sex life with a little S&M, the dungeons are already there!

  12. AnnieGetYourFun

    The body language of the above shot tells me everything anyone ever needs to know about the difference between Dems and Repubs. Subtle, but present.

  13. Ted Perino

    Why does Circuit City hate me? I bought some speakers there, once. I never bothered them, so why are they bothering me?

  14. OffTheRecord

    [re=176464]cakeordeath[/re]: Dude, it is Cheney. God only knows what kind of freakish experiments he has going in there. Personally, I think watching out for the flying monkeys would be better advice, but whatever.

  15. chascates

    When a new resident moves into the Veep’s residence or the White House they get rid of the old mattresses, right?

  16. Kidshowbusiness

    [re=176503]Clamps[/re]: haha, I kept waiting for Admiral Ackbar to chime in there, give the Bidens fair warning. “It’s a trap!!”

  17. Deepthroat

    [re=176481]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: actually, i think the Cheney bedroom IS the third ring of hell… or maybe it was the eighth or ninth. Either way, HELL!!!11!

  18. cspurgeon

    Before the night is out, Joe will be at the bottom of The Pit, hearing a voice say “it puts the lotion in the basket.”

  19. AngryBlakGuy

    [re=176523]Deepthroat[/re]: …whichever ring they keep the aborted fetuses; sometimes he gets hungry you know!

  20. psychedelicSludge

    In this C-SPAN clip from a parallel universe, the Jacobs/Cheney ticket has stormed the white house.
    President Jill Jacobs and her running mate Lynne Cheney, together with the first and second gentlemen, enter the compound for port and pinochle.

  21. Kinbote

    [re=176527]cspurgeon[/re]: “Joe, could you help me with this couch? What are you, about a size 14?”

  22. Servo

    “We call this room…’The Farm’.” Dick shuffles his feet on the concrete floor, but it can’t hide the faint sounds of scratching. The unmistakable sound of fingernails on stone. The cries muffled by earth. The air in the room is heavy and stale. A single light sways from the center of the ceiling, flickering.

  23. wheelie

    Dear Mr President-Elect,

    I had Joe Biden and his wife for dinner in my place this evening.

    I’ve tasted better, to be honest.

    Yours etc,

    Dick Cheney

  24. jilly

    The Bidens need a Buddhist monk, a LOT of burning sage, a Priest and that midget lady from Poltergeist to clean out that place AFTER the Cheneys move out, BEFORE the Bidens move in. Bill the RNC, they’ll pay for anything.

  25. shortsshortsshorts

    HEY YAA’LL:

    I hate to be both off topic AND serious at the same time, but we folks in California really need your support on Saturday:

    http://jointheimpact.wetpaint.com/?t=anon

    Nationwide “No on 8″ rallies are being held in at least one city in every state in the goddamn union. Please help this effort.
    Truck NUTZ forever

    Oh and please don’t ban me for this its like I’m posting my stupid blog or something.

  26. ladymacbeth

    i am forced to conclude that republicans are fat and out of shape.

    this is not necessarily displeasing.

  27. null

    Dateline Salem Oregon: As everybody knows, the plane that is normally known as Air Force Two made an unscheduled stop here at McNary Field this morning. They did not use the Air Force Two call sign, signifying that Vice President Cheney was not aboard.

    However, WTF was his plane doing here? Also, the thought that my fair city has been the secure, undisclosed location is rather creepy. While PDX might be “Little Beirut,” Salem is more like “Little Tulsa.” So it’s not outside the realm of possibility.

    Point is that the shriveled homunculus that greeted the Bidens MIGHT NOT BE CHENEY AT ALL! And really, “Lynn” doesn’t even have an Adam’s Apple.

  28. Lord Foppington of Dandyshire

    call me an elitist, but I’m tired of seeing our political overlords dressed in pilgrimy black suits. I want pre-French Revolution aristocratic foppish frocks for all! Or at least Muslin flowing robes. Black suits are so Bush-era … but I’m drunk so what do I know? I love Joe the Biden though, and Lynne Cheney is unpleasantly plump.

  29. jilly

    I’m sorry to all of you, I can’t think of anything witty, but I do want to say, FUCK YOU DICK CHENEY, YOU FUCKING SPAWN OF HELL. I was going to try to get a ticket to the innagural, but seeing that those are rare, I’ll definitely come out for Cheney’s funeral. Dick: please give me some notice here, some prolonged period of suffering would be friggin’ hella great, so’s that I can figure out my frequent flier stuff. Thanks, Dick, and I do mean, DICK.

  30. HuskyMescan

    [re=176612]jilly[/re]: So tell us how you really feel. :)
    Sad thing is that evil fuck will outlive us all like a fucking cockaroach

  31. Lascauxcaveman

    [re=176447]emberglance[/re]: “Once again, the Democrat couple are taller than the Republican couple. Conclusive proof that absolute power makes you smaller.

    Bullshit. All this proves is that short people are EVIL.

    ______

    [re=176610]null[/re]: HA! Little Tulsa=Salem. Have a Disorder Porter on me at the Ram Brewpub. I was their first brewer there in 1996-97. Won a medal at the GABF with that beer. Or you could just have a Deschuttes Black Butte; that’s the recipe I stole it from. Is Keizer still scary as hell?

  32. cakeordeath

    [re=176517]OffTheRecord[/re]: [re=176498]J05H[/re]: Maybe LOLbats?

    HALP!!!! chenney iz rippin ours wings off!!!!

  33. Mojopo

    If I were Joe Biden, I’d sage the holy hell out of that crib after I called an old priest and a young priest.

    Isn’t Jill just as cute as a pony? Love her. I’m so sorry she had to see that.

  34. Smoke Filled Roommate

    [re=176553]Jukesgrrl[/re]: Yes, he’ll fit amidst all the baby bones, dusty files and ‘Beezle’, Cheney’s locust-adorned sled..

  35. Captain Swing

    Garlic necklaces – Check
    Bottles of Holy Water – Check
    Crucifixes – Check
    Wooden stakes – Check

    OK Jill… We’re going in!

  36. Servo

    [re=176641]regisgoat[/re]:
    Brilliant! I wish I could remember the name of a very amateur ( only understood the fundamentals of the instruments ) orchestra that recorded it on vinyl back in the ’70s or early ’80s. It always put tears in my eyes from laughter.

  37. Shmucky DeFukhed

    Even if Joe Biden manages to escape Dick Cheney’s house and walk out that front door again… well, he’ll never be the same.

    Thank Christ.

  38. JamesMichaelCurley

    [re=176648]Servo[/re]: “In the Hall of the Mountain King” is by Edvard Grieg, around 1870′s, written for the Operatic presentation of Heinrick Isben’s play Peer Gynt. As a short orchestral piece it has been done many times by less than stellar orchestras and ‘Great Classics’ collections. In my college days, a semi-competent heavy metal group called ‘Apocaloptica’ did a version with words, none of which were too memorable.

  39. S.Luggo

    Notice that Cheney tried to slam the door in the face of the Secret Service agent who was guarding the Bidens. Dick never did have an ounce for a respect for federal workers. Or am I missing his Darthship’s true intentions?

  40. Servo

    [re=176673]JamesMichaelCurley[/re]:
    Believe me, if you heard this orchestra, and particularly that piece, you would double over laughing. It sounds like pre-teens pumped full of Sudafed playing. Truly awful, but intentionally so.

  41. hobospacejungle

    I would so not want to live in that place after the creepshow currently residing there. It must smell something awful. I’d need to rip out all the carpets, wallpaper, toilets, baths, tiles, the whole kitchen, & anything else those freakshow Cheneys may have touched, and burn every piece of furniture with multiple priests, pastors, rabbis & other assorted religious figures chanting over the bonfire. And I’d put the windows back in the place, because certainly the Cheneys had them all bricked up, better to keep it dark for the seances, satanic worship and kid-diddling. But most assuredly the toilets. Especially the one where Dick dropped his daily monster feces pile of aborted fetuses and puppy stew.

    “Check it Joe…quack…here’s where I take my bigass morning dump…quack…”

    “Uh, yeah, thanks Mr. Vice-President. We’ve decided to burn this place to the ground and start over. Excuse me while I throw up on your wife.”

  42. imisshim

    It’s nice to see the tall people taking everything over. They look so much better than lame duck little shrimps that run the world oh-so-badly-right-now.

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