yr website sucks

Joe The Plumber’s Website Is Hilarious

UMM Joe the Plumber, do you remember him? Well, he has a website now, and it is naughty — blink tags, crawls, overlapping text. None of the tabs, such as “Joe The Forum” or “Joe The Blogger,” work yet. He apparently has a book coming out though! Maybe buy that? No?? This is the worst “political website” since Ed Hale’s “Hillary Clinton Supporters For John McCain,” which now redirects to some pirate Midwestern radio station site. [Sigh]. As a famous writer once put it, with one tiny alteration: “Without the Election, what’s the point of being an American?” [Secure Our Dream]

About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell
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161 comments

  1. vintageways

    “Men and Women of the Armed?” Armed what? I’m dying to know!

    Also, if he wanted to be part of a change movement, he’s on the wrong gravy train.

  2. V572625694

    “As I have stated, I will honor and support my president…” Thank God for small favors! We were all so worried that you wouldn’t support “your” president, Wurzelbacher you dipshit. Please go away now, forever.

  3. coolcatdaddy

    “Shop Joe”?

    I realize our political figures are often for sale, but that’s rather, well, Jeff Gannon-y of him to put a button like that on the site…

  4. FreshCliches

    Heh, probably three dozen simultaneous hits from teh Wonketteers, and I got 503′d.

    Neocons & the tubes = water and oil.

    (Yes, it’s from Godfather III – fuck you.)

  5. coolcatdaddy

    [re=176108]BrandonMills[/re]: Joe the Blogger cares a lot about Joe the Plumber. And so does Joe the Forum.

  6. jagorev

    What is it with wingnuts and bad web design? See also: Drudge, Free Republic, all those Hilltard and PUMA sites.

    I mean, you don’t need to be a designer to build a web site that’s not eye-bleedingly bad. Just go to WordPress.com or Blogger.com and slap on a template – any template – and you’ll get a better result than this.

  7. CreationSchwarzkopfPalin

    See, he’ll make $250k selling his merch to the extra chromasone conservtards and he’ll HAVE TO PAY HIGHER TAXES, just like he knew all along.
    Why didn’t we listen to Joe the Soothsayer?

  8. queeraselvis v 2.0

    [re=176125]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: Joe and Richard Hatch in next season’s Dancing With the Stars. Just you wait…

  9. PopeyesPipe

    His metaphorical dick headishness combined with his actual physical head, which looks exactly like a dick, makes it hard for me to come up with a good insult. I keep coming back to “dickheaded dickhead.”

  10. Kev-O-Tron

    [re=176148]PopeyesPipe[/re]: Dickheaded dickhead is really quite apt. Either that or “functional retard” – that might be slightly more accurate.

  11. CuntryFirst

    Haha, he wrote “With your help, we can stop the government and banks from taking peoples’ homes away.”

    Um, so he supports anarchy?

  12. mistabrad

    Ha, Cold Sea, I was just about to come on and say “Joe the Douchebag.” But you more or less beat me to it.

    This guy is a total tool. He defines tool. He is the entire tool shed. And the dude is supposedly, what, 34, yet looks to be in his mid-40s at minimum.

    I guess one ages quickly, working so hard on get rich quick fame schemes. And not paying taxes. And being an assbag.

    He sucks. But we will again hear his name 10 years from now when they publish the Trivial Pursuit: WTF Were We Thinking” Edition.

  13. retardedbaboon

    This is what I got when I tried to access it from work:

    Security risk blocked for your protection
    Reason:
    This category is filtered: Potentially Damaging Content. Sites in this category may pose a security threat to network resources or private information, and are blocked by your organization.

    URL:
    http://www.secureourdream.com/index.html

  14. El Topo

    All this site needs to complete the effect of transporting us back to 1995 is some annoying MIDI music, poorly-dithered animated .gif’s of waving flags, and maybe some frames.

    There are MySpace pages that look like visual masterworks compared to this slimy turd’s vainglorious “web site.”

  15. BillyClubb

    “Without the Election, what’s the point of being an American?”

    Did you mean Erection? That would make just as much sense.

  16. Hebrewzzi

    Hey Joe…from one unemployed a-hole to another, and in the words of your great Vice President: Go fuck yourself!

  17. undermedicated

    I do believe we need to keep a watch on “Joe”‘s website to see when he opens up his forum. Seems like the kind of crowd that would really go for the gospel of TRUCKNUTZ!

  18. Robman2

    Joe, please keep ‘yer hands out of my ‘ish.

    Remember Joe the three rules of plumbing:

    Payday is Friday
    Shit rolls downhill
    Always wash your hands before eating that sandwich

    Is this country really going to stank it up for four years while she builds her base?

  19. honore de ballsack

    I’d be much happier with his site if he could decide if he were an I or a we. Switching back and forth every other sentence makes us wonder if he has delusions of being a twenty-armed monkey god, with each arm capable of independent thought. Hmmm, that might explain his love of the armed.

  20. memzilla

    The website is every bit as good as the campaign the Repugnicons ran.

    Let’s all go to the RNC website and show our support for a “Sarah ‘n Joe in 2012″ ticket. That’ll keep ‘em in the wilderness for at least another 4 years.

  21. sevenrepeat

    [re=176105]El Bombastico[/re]: Ha ha!! I think he’s a winkin’ atchya. Hangin’ out with Sarah must be make one wink uncontrollably.

  22. Deepthroat

    shortsshortsshorts: teh good news is that you can now be filled with random leftovers and various out-of-season articles of clothing.

  23. freakishlystrong

    Joe, you’re 15 minutes are calling, they don’t want you around either..oh, and fucktard, pay your taxes!

  24. DangerousLiberal

    My sneaker would leave a nice, waffly pattern on his smug face. Anyone tell this doofus that his side lost? Or would he have an existential crisis (i.e., drop dead) if we did?

  25. messickc (ROLL TIDE!)

    [re=176135]jagorev[/re]: Well in their defense, The republican party tends to be WASPs 50 years and older… Not the most technologically savvy. So I’m not shocked.

  26. AngryBlakGuy

    …Joe and Sara Failin remind of some weird kind of mutant cockroach, not matter how many fukkin times you step on it; it just wont die!!!

  27. 4tehlulz

    I am having difficulty looking at his picture without envision a set of Truck Nutz dangling from his chin.

  28. mistabrad

    And you just know this smug prick has thought to himself more than once that he could kick Todd’s ass and step in as the Second Dude. And then he would beat his wife and tell her how to run things.

  29. JohnnyMac

    [re=176135]jagorev[/re]: Unfortunately it does appear that he scoured the web for help with his page’s look. There’s a credit within the HTML source code for “Trembling message script- © Dynamic Drive” which no doubt gave him the cut-n-paste seziure effect he was looking for.

    It reminds me of semi-literate secretaries I know that write every email in Comic-Sans font with their name flashing in the signature.

  30. anabellum

    how sweet, its the Failed Virtual American Dream in action…put up a BS website offering absolutely nothing, promote traffic, and retire on the advertising income…

    i’ll give 5 to 1 odds [up to a dollar max] that version 2 of SecureOurWetDreams.com never materializes….and that within three months ‘Joe’ declares bankruptcy…

  31. Beef Supreme

    On one hand his website sucks enormous blue whale dong, on the other, I really would like to get a subscription to the “Joe the Blog” monthly newsletter?!? WTF?

  32. OzoneTom

    [re=176196]OzoneTom[/re]: er, porN.

    I’ll go back to my job of composing verbiage for right-wing websites now.

  33. bfstevie

    The web site for the other book written by the co-author of Joe’s “book”, Thomas N. Tabback, seems to use exactly the same template as Joe’s site.

    Is it true that Joe has been booked as a speaker on the National Review and Weekly Standard Mediterranean cruises this summer, which will also feature Bill Kristol and/or Dr. William Kristol?

  34. NoWireHangers

    Also what is the “Free We are Joe Membership” thing? What does it mean. Does it mean “We are all Joe the Plumber” or is it a response to “Secure Our Future”; “We are, Joe!”

  35. erymanthian bore

    I immediately signed up for the 1-year subscription to Secure Our Creams. My advice to Joe is to offer a discount for a 3-way.

  36. AngryBlakGuy

    [re=176196]OzoneTom[/re]: …uhhhhh, you don’t happen to know where to find some of that do you? Cuz you know…I got this friend…

  37. WadISay

    When you get around to offering merchandise, Joe, send me a box of the urinal cakes with your picture on them.

  38. HuskyMescan

    hscfmj is crazier than ever:
    “I dont take advice from people that would have been destroyed in the fire at Sodom.”

    Is that Sloppy Joe’s version of a smile?! It’s freaking me out, man.

  39. AnnieGetYourFun

    Site’s still crashing. Surely he signed up for a minimum of a $5.95 monthly hosting package, no? GoDaddy is really quite reasonable.

  40. Gorillionaire

    A full year of “Freedom Membership” costs as much as a bottle of Jim Beam, so, uh, sorry there Joe…

  41. Varchar

    Not to get too technical with my comp-u-speak, but the page source has a JavaScript function called “jiggleit”. WHAT IS THAT ABOUT!?

  42. 4tehlulz

    [re=176271]Varchar[/re]: You’ve found the secret backdoor to the adults-only Joe the Plumber chat room.

  43. sk1win

    In honor of his new ‘no so barely’ legal, shemale porn career, I just nominated Joe for Secretary of the Pleasury!

  44. Tra

    Ahem, We the People would officially like to disassociate ourselves from this egomaniacal train wreck. “What do you mean ‘we,’ white man?”

  45. meemers

    Joe’s website resembles Jeff Gannon’s BTW…Where is Jeff Gannon?..He hasn’t blogged anything since August!

  46. Tra

    “The other day, I was contacted by 72-year old man who pleaded with me to share his story with the media and politicians. He and his wife lost all of their savings in the stock market recently. They worked all their lives for this country and now they have nothing. Why? Because of corruption in Washington. That man asked me, ‘What do I do now Joe?’

    “‘Well,’ I said, ‘First you send me $14.95 …’”

  47. sevenrepeat

    I just bought a 1 year freedom membership on his site for only $14.95 on my “Joe the Visa” credit card. Damn thing declined; maybe I should pay my taxes, er I mean bill.

  48. sanantonerose

    I wish those tens of thousands of people would each give Joe one dollar a piece to shut the hell up.

    And that smirk is just sooooo American.

  49. randomsausage

    [re=176302]meemers[/re]: Joe resembles the love child of Jeff Gannon and Andrew Sullivan — assuming one of them could transplant a uterus and that, after said transplant, they’d still want to have sex with each other. Just saying….

  50. Birdcrash

    If Joe had even a thimble-full of imagination he would have turned on McCain after the debate and accused the McCain campaign and the republican party of trying to exploit him for partisan political purposes. If.

    Dumb ass.

  51. icesucker

    Where is the cease and desist order from Troma Entertainment? Joe’s head is an obvious composite of the Toxic Avenger and the Penis Monster. All proceeds from the sale of his “book” should go to Troma as restitution.

  52. loquaciousmusic

    Right now, I really want to join and pay $14.95 and feel the JOEMENTUM and stuff.

    But, also, not.

  53. DustBowlBlues

    [re=176097]lampadadog[/re]: The armed? WTF–Another Republican attack on Max Cleland? Go eat shit and die, Joe whatever the fuck your real name is.

  54. Accordion-o-rama

    Actually, it’s true. We most of us really are Joe the Plumber. For the most part:

    1. We live in imaginary worlds in which we are wealthy/insightful/important (pick one);

    2. We are not licensed plumbers;

    3. We are not named Joe;

    4. We are behind on our taxes.

  55. Pat Pending

    wow. just… wow. all this site needs is a garish neon background to bring it all together. Also, Joe the Douche needs a blingie job.

  56. maven

    I think the website contains some excellent writing, worthy of the Sarah Palin Literature Award, especially that lovely “ending with a preposition” trick. Also, I think there has clearly been inadequate attention paid to this horrible crime of selling American children:

    We can stop our elected officials from selling our children into debt with our enemies. We can help each other far better and faster than the government has ever been able to.

  57. trondant

    Until the forum opens, the “publisher” (note the dick-fingers there) can be reached at

    serviceteam@pearlgatepublishing.com

    Also.

    For our friends at Google:

    Joe Wurzelbacher fucks dogs and children, eats hay and shits in the street.
    Joe Wurzelbacher is a MLM scam artist spammer, and fingerpainter.
    Joe Wurzelbacher frequents prostitutes who put rusty doorknobs up his ass.

    etc., etc.

    Repeat frequently.

  58. One Yield Regular

    I’d almost guarantee that 10 years from now Joe’s going to look just like Tor Johnson stumbling his way around the desert in “The Beast of Yucca Flats.”

  59. trondant

    [re=176423]loquaciousmusic[/re]: Ha ha, Pooh is having buttsecks with the Eeyore, and fire is coming out of Pooh’s butt.

  60. riffin1

    The Clinton Supporters for McCain website, redirects to KPRN. K-PORN would be change that plumbers believe in.

  61. Borat

    Joe, you are now allowed to respectfully refer to Barry as Barack HUSSAIN Obama. It’s really OK now – let ‘er rip. No one cares anymore.

  62. Borat

    WTF, It says the site will be working to build “strategic alliances”? I can’t even begin to guess what the hell is that a euphimism for

  63. Borat

    Oh Joe, say it ain’t so. No comments section? Please please include a comments or a live town hall (like Ed Hale’s site). I guarantee you will have 2-3x the traffic of Wonkette if you do that.

    Ah, the good old days when we could freak out Hilltards by telling them the intertubes can hack them and that hackers and viruses are taking over their precious meetings. Joe, Joe, please make my dream come alive or its going to be a very boring weekend.

  64. hobospacejungle

    Joe the Plumber looks like Mercury Man in Terminator 2, Robert Patrick.

    Joe the Friendly Terminator?

  65. accidental_tourist

    If that wife beatin’, domestic abusin’ assclown thinks he’s got a career in country music or a career in anything period…he doesn’t know the power of organized women once they start calling radio stations demanding a ban

    And what’s with all this “wealth redistribution” and “no free rides” crap? When he was on welfare, where did he think that check came from every month, the tooth fairy? When he beat the crap out of his wife and she had to stay in a women’s shelter, who does he think picked up the tab for that? I don’t see him talking about THAT on his pwecious widdle web site (OK, I didn’t read it, but I know it’s not there).

    Link to Joe the Wife Beater’s domestic abuse court docket and other assorted asshattery, including two annulments and 12 other women who say he has a physically abusive nature towards women: (The Jeff Gannon comments are dead on. Why would some men rather hate and beat women rather than just come out of the damned closet and be who they are?

    http://justice4mothers.wordpress.com/2008/11/03/just-your-average-joe-the-plumber/

  66. Deepthroat

    [re=176467]trondant[/re]:

    oe Wurzelbacher fucks dogs and children, eats hay and shits in the street.
    Joe Wurzelbacher is a MLM scam artist spammer, and fingerpainter.
    Joe Wurzelbacher frequents prostitutes who put rusty doorknobs up his ass.

  67. Dear Diorama

    So when I click on the free Joe Membership, why is the only option for an un-free Freedom Membership?

    How am I going to blog in the newsletter on the Joe Board???

    Joe Wurzelbacher frequents prostitutes who put rusty doorknobs up his freedom ass.

  68. Blue Jefferson Clinton the Cat

    [re=176157]mistabrad[/re]: totally agree he looks like crap for his age. I am wondering if his teeth are busted too, I mean why no teeth in his smile? Oh and I can’t wait until he gets busted drunk driving with a gun on his person OR just plain busted not paying his taxes again. F’ing tool shed

  69. douglasvonnegut

    I would like to say I’m surprised to learn all this about Joe (tax evasion, domestic violence, etc…), but, sadly, it is what I’ve come to expect from right wingers. I feel like a lone blue dot in a sea of red where I live — these people scare me.

    The Repugnicons (best nickname ever, to whomever coined it) here can sniff out their enemies’ open minds a mile away, and it makes them violent. I don’t think I’m safe.

  70. mobile-home-refush

    we pray he hearkens to our voice ????? that smells of elitist fundy talk
    we know who he’s been doin

  71. bonsai pajamas

    If he ever decides to hang himself, we can call him Joe the Plumb Bob. Somebody please tell Joe ya can’t get a grassroots movement going with a pay site.

  72. J

    In that picture he looks like one of the doomed bit player crewmen in Star Trek who were always killed when Kirk and the team beamed down to the planet. Ensign Joe Buttwad.

  73. chyornii

    i desperately hate this man. he epitomizes self-infatuated, stupid-ass populism. not content to simply pride himself on his crippling ignorance, he feels a civic duty to broadcast it to the world.

  74. Jukesgrrl

    There’s nothing about fashion. Didn’t he get anything at Neiman-Marcus? I’m going back to Princess Sparkle Pony. Condi’s shoes are so hawt.

  75. errantdreams

    O.M.G.

    And here I was so optimistic that he’d finally gone away. I should have known he’d be too much of an attention-whore to vanish quietly. Doesn’t he realize how smug and obnoxious that photo looks?

  76. Robbertjan

    Don’t you just love websites that consist of a front page + 50 coming soon pages? for christ sake, put some content on the site before going online.

  77. montresor

    I’m so happy he hasn’t gone away! Comedy needs Joe. I like his new incarnations, but isn’t there something semantically wrong with “Joe the Forum?” Plumber, blogger, peddler of rushed-into-vanity-press paperbacks that NO-ONE WILL STOCK except Amazon because they don’t have to worry about U-Books’ no-returns policy — but “Joe the Forum” is so wrong. It would have to be “Joe the Forumer.” Or “Joe the Guy Who is Spending his Friday Night Hanging Around in This Forum Waiting for Someone to Start a Chat with Him, Besides That Kid in His Pajamas Who’s Trying to Start a Blog About, You Know, Political Stuff.” Someday there will be a Reader’s Digest article entitled “I Am Joe’s Forum.” It will talk about how empty and lonely it is, and how nobody wanted to fork over $14.95 to become a member of SecureOurDream. This site is like those little storefront yarncraft or scrapbooking or Wicca supply stores that my Young Alterna-Person Friend with a zillion pairs of depressingly groovy little horizontal spectacles in various day-glo colors and ironic Cramps T-shirts calls “My Dream Is Dying” emporiums.

  78. Captain Swing

    In his victory speech, President Elect Obama asked the question, that if his daughters were lucky enough to live for a century, what kind of a future would we leave them?

    I can’t answer that one, but I can predict one thing: If Joe the Douchebag, Ms Moosefart and Mittens represent the direction the Republican Party is headed, there will still be a Democrat in the White House.

  79. GollyGeeWilly

    Where is the “Joe- be a fucking plumber and fix my toilet!” tab.
    Christ, does this guy want my money, or not???!!!

  80. fredfred

    wow – what a bunch of mean spirited comments! use your tact, intelligence, vocabulary, etc… to do something that might actually add to the happiness of the world? Nah! It’s more fun to show your shallowness of character, excess of unproductive time, etc… by being mean.

    In your own style, what about this? —> O-Num-Nutz has already started to break his promises, they aren’t on the website anymore… appointing old-style political hacks… what kind of change is that? He’s all promises, that is all he knows — tell folks what they want to hear, do what you want to do anyway. He is a good ‘promiser’ – he PROMISED the folks of Illinois that he wouldn’t run in ’08 and he’d serve out his term as Senator.

    That could be said to be the first Great Lie… if the Repubs were like the Dems, there wouldn’t be any ‘o”s on the keyboards when his staff gets to work. (costing taxpayers $$) Or maybe ‘M”s (Messiah? Misanthrope?)…

    Once again, voting against someone else, without knowing what you were really voting for.. (he wouldn’t say, really) has allowed the wool to be pulled over your eyes…. time will tell, but you bunch of illogical zealots won’t admit it when it does.

    (Contrary to the already-composed blasts of ire that will likely be directed at me, I will add that I do not like what the current administration is doing or has done regarding privacy, for example… )

    The Dems in Congress haven’t tried to solve anything – else they can’t use the issues as party platforms – the real cause of the economic downturn is lack of Congressional Oversight. Can’t oversee those who fund you, though…

    That’s enough for now, too many new, rational ideas may cause your collective heads to explode…

    Blessings, Love and Light to you all!

  81. Jean Hotman, Marquis de Villers-St-Paul

    As JohnnyMac said, the site has a certain Comic Sans feeling. Love the blinks and marquees! Where are the little animated US flags or revolving crosses?

    Oh, I almost forgot:

    Joe Wurzelbacher fucks dogs and children, eats hay and shits in the street.
    Joe Wurzelbacher is a MLM scam artist spammer, and fingerpainter.
    Joe Wurzelbacher frequents prostitutes who put rusty doorknobs up his ass.

  82. Ted Perino

    What the site and photo say to me: “Jeez, mister, gimme a break. I’m just trying to pick up a little beer money.”

  83. Schadenfried

    [re=176125]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: [re=176133]Doglessliberal[/re]: Skinamax and Stroketime soft core porn.

  84. Chief Grinning Eagle

    And standing there as big as life
    and smiling with his eyes.
    Says Joe “What they can never kill
    went on to propagandize,
    went on to propagandize”

  85. snig

    Great acronym for Secure Our Dream
    From teh Wiki:
    Sod (vulgarity)

    Sod in British English is a mildly offensive term for a person, derived from sodomite[1] but rarely nowadays used with this meaning. It has many uses, but particularly implies idleness (as in “lazy sod”). As a mild insult, it is often used affectionately between friends (“How are you, you old sod?”). It can be used as many different parts of speech — e.g. in the imperative mood, “Sod off!”; or in adjective form, “sodding bastard”. Such uses as “Sod it!” and “Sod this” are often used when deciding something is not worth doing out of complete frustration.

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