DANGER DANGER  4:29 pm November 12, 2008

Dick Cheney To Show Joe Biden His Lair Tomorrow

by Jim Newell

Joe Biden has accepted a rare invitation from America’s most popular politician, Dick Cheney, to tour his off-the-grid slave castle, “One Observatory Circle,” for an “evening sit-down” tomorrow. The tour will kick off with Dick Cheney opening the front door and shooting his successor in the skull, lopping off a chunk of brain. Joe will laugh like a hyena (he is not self-aware). Then Cheney will tell Joe to go down the stairs to check out the awesome finished basement while he excuses himself for a bathroom break. Joe will descend the staircase and find himself in a Soviet gulag. [NYT/The Caucus]


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grendel November 12, 2008 at 4:33 pm

Will he show him the torture dungeon, or blow it up and seal all the evidence for Geraldo to unearth in 10 years?

NoWireHangers November 12, 2008 at 4:34 pm

Don’t forget your garlic necklace, Joe!

ManchuCandidate November 12, 2008 at 4:34 pm

Hey, I saw Hannibal on AMC this past weekend, too.

“A Congressman once tried to subpoena me. I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti. “

FreshCliches November 12, 2008 at 4:35 pm

Biden is prepared; those hair plugs are made of Kevlar®.

vintageways November 12, 2008 at 4:35 pm

He’s going to switch brains with him, isn’t he?

SelfDeprecatingFed November 12, 2008 at 4:36 pm

Cheney can’t kill Biden… Biden is made of garlic and the pollution of Scranton.

vintageways November 12, 2008 at 4:36 pm

Also, I would never accept any invites from Republican men to visit their “lair.”

Yaybuls November 12, 2008 at 4:38 pm

It’s going to take Joe awhile to remove all the defibrillator stations found every two feet in all directions.

Tommy Says Soooo November 12, 2008 at 4:39 pm

Gaffey Joe will remind Cheney of the Violence Against Women Act and thus go unscathed.

Carrie_Okie November 12, 2008 at 4:41 pm

…and then they will go quail hunting together.

Dr. Strangelove November 12, 2008 at 4:41 pm

just hope joe doesn’t learn how to operate the presidential lobotomy machine in that gulag

BillyClubb November 12, 2008 at 4:42 pm

“Biden, you called me ‘dangerous’ during your VP debate. I am gonna kick your ass, mofo.”

Or at least that’s how I imagine the meeting will start out.

AliBabaInBA November 12, 2008 at 4:42 pm

Oh no, Joe . . .DON’T GOOOO!!!!

CrunchyKnee November 12, 2008 at 4:43 pm

Biden should bring him the standard tribute of TruckNutz and the livers of small children.

Varchar November 12, 2008 at 4:45 pm

The visit is early in the transition since the cloning machine inside Dick’s man-sized safe takes two months to re-engineer human tissue. State-of-the-art technology in Cheney’s home serves to collect enough of Biden’s DNA in order for Dick to assume the VP-elect’s shape by early January. This leaves plenty of time to ‘disappear’ Joe during a hunting trip.

Tommy Says Soooo November 12, 2008 at 4:45 pm

FINALLY Wonkette gets back to stories about inevitable assplay.

Kwame' November 12, 2008 at 4:48 pm

Biden just needs to see where Sy Sperling is going to sleep for the next 4 years.

joezoo November 12, 2008 at 4:49 pm

“Here, Joe, try some of the Amontillado. Nemo me impune lacessit, mothafucker!”

SayItWithWookies November 12, 2008 at 4:50 pm

I’m looking forward to the moment when Cheney, wearing Joe Biden’s flayed skin, steps out to speak to reporters and says “the Vice President and I had a warm and comprehensive chat, and I look forward to carrying on his legacy. What?”

El Bombastico November 12, 2008 at 4:51 pm

“Did you find the bathroom okay?”

“Errr…. yeeeeeaaaaahhhhh…”

magic titty November 12, 2008 at 4:51 pm

Dick Cheney will show Senator Joe how to make syphilis from scratch.

Texan Bulldoggette November 12, 2008 at 4:51 pm

Maybe Joe will ask Lynne how her gay daughter & test tube grandson are doing.

wheelie November 12, 2008 at 4:55 pm

In a speech at the Virginia Military Institute last weekend Mr. Cheney promised a “smooth and graceful transition of power.”

Why is it that even the most innocuous of statements from Cheney sounds menacing?

Varchar November 12, 2008 at 4:56 pm

[re=175027]SayItWithWookies[/re]: My way’s slicker.

Rush November 12, 2008 at 4:58 pm
hedgehog November 12, 2008 at 5:00 pm

“Hey, Lynne, bring out the gimp!”

Cogito Ergo Bibo November 12, 2008 at 5:01 pm

Bring a food taster, Joe! Hell, bring your own meal. Feasting on illegal, gay, immigrant aborted fetuses may be fine for Cheney, but then the undead don’t eat the same as you and me.

bitchincamaro November 12, 2008 at 5:01 pm

Little does JB suspect that the “red carpet” so graciously rolled out for him, will be composed of his own major organs, carefully knitted together with his small and large intestines.

Watch that first step; could be slippery.

S.Luggo November 12, 2008 at 5:07 pm

Then again, a visit to Cheney’s basement might be very pleasant. http://content7.flixster.com/question/43/82/81/4382813_std.jpg

psychedelicSludge November 12, 2008 at 5:12 pm

Cheney offers Clarice Starling a fried piece of the brain.
BTW – was Joe self-aware before the gunshot?

SlouchingTowardsWasilla November 12, 2008 at 5:13 pm

Based on the most recent pictures I’ve seen of Cheney, his life expectency is about 12 hours, so the chances of this sit-down taking place are about 50/50.

TGY November 12, 2008 at 5:17 pm

It’s ok. Joe Biden has ‘lair plugs’.

dcgrrl November 12, 2008 at 5:20 pm

Do you think Cheney can leave Biden a little of that ‘keep your mouth shut’?

dcgrrl November 12, 2008 at 5:21 pm

[re=175069]TGY[/re]: tee hee. good one.

wheelie November 12, 2008 at 5:23 pm

[re=175069]TGY[/re]: That’s a terrible joke. I’m sorry I didn’t think of it myself.

Hooray For Anything November 12, 2008 at 5:24 pm

I’m thinking it’ll be more like that episode of Buffy where Buffy and Faith switch buddies except totally not hot. So Cheney will have this ring and when they shake hands, Biden’s consciousness will be in Cheney’s body and Cheney’s “consciousness” will be in Biden’s body

SayItWithWookies November 12, 2008 at 5:31 pm

[re=175035]Varchar[/re]: Yeah but Dick’s so used to getting his own way he no longer bothers with nuances like what to do with the leftovers. He expects — and gets — the press to do the shutting up for him. In fact, he’ll probably send them all home with random Ziploc bags of bloody chunks just as a keepsake.

lampadadog November 12, 2008 at 5:31 pm

I laughed so hard at this sentence:
“Joe will laugh like a hyena (he is not self-aware).”
Until I realized, perhaps my hyena-like laughter means that I too fail to be self-aware? Ominous.

TGY November 12, 2008 at 5:32 pm

“For every American who is trying to do the right thing, for all those people in government who are honoring the pledge to uphold the law and honor the Constitution,” Mr. Biden said. “No longer will you hear the eight most-dreaded words in the English language, “‘The vice president’s office is on the phone.’”

Crap, I have a man-crush on Joe.

EricaKane November 12, 2008 at 5:41 pm

The cleaning ladies have been working FURIOUSLY to get all the bloodstains out before he comes, too.

Borat November 12, 2008 at 5:44 pm

Ya’all got it all wrong. Cheney is a pussycat. As long has he doesn’t have any guns or sharp objects around. In a straight-out catfight, Biden would kick him in the Nutz in the first half a second.

Come here a minute November 12, 2008 at 5:47 pm

“Release the hounds.”

problemwithcaring November 12, 2008 at 5:50 pm

Cheney stories have a way of being overblown, like the rumor that he has a man-sized safe. Really, that’s just his Office Casket – a man needs his power naps.

Miller November 12, 2008 at 5:50 pm

For the love of God Joe, don’t go into the cellar! Releasing your itinerary to the media was a good first step towards surviving. Making sure there’s video of you going in is the second. Make sure they get good shots of your face going in so we’ll have a reference if Cheney comes out wearing it as a mask and pretending he’s you.


Blue Canary November 12, 2008 at 5:54 pm

Originally, I read it as “Dick Cheney to Show Joe Biden His Hair Tomorrow” — only AN HOUR LATER did I realize what it actually says. I guess I thought when Dick lopped off some Biden-lobe, he was going to shove the plugs in Joe’s face.


mr.november November 12, 2008 at 6:00 pm

[re=175112]Blue Canary[/re]: Me too.Funny.

Sabre_Justice November 12, 2008 at 6:06 pm

It’s going to be a heartwarming passing of the torch.

Min November 12, 2008 at 6:16 pm

I hope Joe gets his shots first.

Mr. Herpes November 12, 2008 at 6:18 pm

Yeah, but the Death Star is still off limits.

nutcracker November 12, 2008 at 6:18 pm

Cheney will be fresh and ready, having just taken his monthly bath in the blood of 20 virgins,
which is all that keeps his heart beating. Many years ago, coming down Reno Rd. and thinking I was at a different intersection, I drove right into the driveway of the VP residence. Fortunately this was many years before 9/11, so I wasn’t shot. Just asked to leave. I think the VP at the time was good old Nelson Rockefeller. The guards were surprisingly laid back, all things considered.

sarcasticusername November 12, 2008 at 6:19 pm

don’t go joe, don’t go! if you have to go, at least say no to the hunting portion of the afternoon. when he breaks out the guns or strange water toys, run.

sevenrepeat November 12, 2008 at 6:21 pm

Do you think Dick will dress in all leather?

Lazy Media November 12, 2008 at 6:24 pm

OK, Joe, on Jan. 20, 2009, at noon, the Naval Observatory reappears on Google satellite maps, or you ain’t got a hair on your ass.

Itsjustme November 12, 2008 at 6:32 pm

[re=174997]grendel[/re]: You want Geraldo to be here in 10 years?

rocktonsammy November 12, 2008 at 6:43 pm

Tenting fingers


WesternCorrespondent November 12, 2008 at 7:51 pm

Does this mean we can find Cheney’s Lair on GoogleEarth now? :)

WesternCorrespondent November 12, 2008 at 7:53 pm

Lazy Media, we wallow in the same trough…

glamourdammerung November 12, 2008 at 8:35 pm

I really hope someone records the strings of profanities on both sides.

The Helvetica Scenario November 12, 2008 at 10:34 pm

Time to clean the skeletons out of the closets. You know, literally.

ivenson November 12, 2008 at 11:04 pm

Cheney: You ready to do this thing?

Biden: I was born ready, Sally….

Cheney (unfurling wings): IT BEGINS

Biden (whipping sawed-off shotgun out from under his suit coat): Say hello to the BOOMSTICK, HELLBEAST!

Joe the Truck Nutz November 13, 2008 at 1:03 am

Joe is LITERALLY looking forward to this visit, folks. Mark his words.

schvitzatura November 13, 2008 at 4:04 am

[re=175145]Lazy Media[/re]: And this little bit of real estate goes Google Maps perma-dark…

schvitzatura November 13, 2008 at 4:29 am

[re=175461]schvitzatura[/re]: Or this one.

Botswana Meat Commission FC November 13, 2008 at 9:53 am

It’s gonna be just like that scene in the “Bram Stoker’s Dracula” movie when Dracula/Cheney is able to suddenly appear in the room and then still have his shadow move around while he stands still.

God that movie was the shiznit back in the day…

Norbert November 13, 2008 at 10:47 am

[re=175383]ivenson[/re]: FTW

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