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Dick Cheney To Show Joe Biden His Lair Tomorrow

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Joe Biden has accepted a rare invitation from America’s most popular politician, Dick Cheney, to tour his off-the-grid slave castle, “One Observatory Circle,” for an “evening sit-down” tomorrow. The tour will kick off with Dick Cheney opening the front door and shooting his successor in the skull, lopping off a chunk of brain. Joe will laugh like a hyena (he is not self-aware). Then Cheney will tell Joe to go down the stairs to check out the awesome finished basement while he excuses himself for a bathroom break. Joe will descend the staircase and find himself in a Soviet gulag. [NYT/The Caucus]

About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

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Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • grendel

    Will he show him the torture dungeon, or blow it up and seal all the evidence for Geraldo to unearth in 10 years?

  • NoWireHangers

    Don’t forget your garlic necklace, Joe!

  • ManchuCandidate

    Hey, I saw Hannibal on AMC this past weekend, too.

    “A Congressman once tried to subpoena me. I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti. “

  • FreshCliches

    Biden is prepared; those hair plugs are made of Kevlar®.

  • vintageways

    He’s going to switch brains with him, isn’t he?

  • SelfDeprecatingFed

    Cheney can’t kill Biden… Biden is made of garlic and the pollution of Scranton.

  • vintageways

    Also, I would never accept any invites from Republican men to visit their “lair.”

  • Yaybuls

    It’s going to take Joe awhile to remove all the defibrillator stations found every two feet in all directions.

  • Tommy Says Soooo

    Gaffey Joe will remind Cheney of the Violence Against Women Act and thus go unscathed.

  • Carrie_Okie

    …and then they will go quail hunting together.

  • Dr. Strangelove

    just hope joe doesn’t learn how to operate the presidential lobotomy machine in that gulag

  • BillyClubb

    “Biden, you called me ‘dangerous’ during your VP debate. I am gonna kick your ass, mofo.”

    Or at least that’s how I imagine the meeting will start out.

  • AliBabaInBA

    Oh no, Joe . . .DON’T GOOOO!!!!

  • CrunchyKnee

    Biden should bring him the standard tribute of TruckNutz and the livers of small children.

  • Varchar

    The visit is early in the transition since the cloning machine inside Dick’s man-sized safe takes two months to re-engineer human tissue. State-of-the-art technology in Cheney’s home serves to collect enough of Biden’s DNA in order for Dick to assume the VP-elect’s shape by early January. This leaves plenty of time to ‘disappear’ Joe during a hunting trip.

  • Tommy Says Soooo

    FINALLY Wonkette gets back to stories about inevitable assplay.

  • Kwame&#39

    Biden just needs to see where Sy Sperling is going to sleep for the next 4 years.

  • joezoo

    “Here, Joe, try some of the Amontillado. Nemo me impune lacessit, mothafucker!”

  • SayItWithWookies

    I’m looking forward to the moment when Cheney, wearing Joe Biden’s flayed skin, steps out to speak to reporters and says “the Vice President and I had a warm and comprehensive chat, and I look forward to carrying on his legacy. What?”

  • El Bombastico

    “Did you find the bathroom okay?”

    “Errr…. yeeeeeaaaaahhhhh…”

  • magic titty

    Dick Cheney will show Senator Joe how to make syphilis from scratch.

  • Texan Bulldoggette

    Maybe Joe will ask Lynne how her gay daughter & test tube grandson are doing.

  • wheelie

    In a speech at the Virginia Military Institute last weekend Mr. Cheney promised a “smooth and graceful transition of power.”

    Why is it that even the most innocuous of statements from Cheney sounds menacing?

  • Varchar

    [re=175027]SayItWithWookies[/re]: My way’s slicker.

  • Rush
  • hedgehog

    “Hey, Lynne, bring out the gimp!”

  • Cogito Ergo Bibo

    Bring a food taster, Joe! Hell, bring your own meal. Feasting on illegal, gay, immigrant aborted fetuses may be fine for Cheney, but then the undead don’t eat the same as you and me.

  • bitchincamaro

    Little does JB suspect that the “red carpet” so graciously rolled out for him, will be composed of his own major organs, carefully knitted together with his small and large intestines.

    Watch that first step; could be slippery.

  • S.Luggo

    Then again, a visit to Cheney’s basement might be very pleasant. http://content7.flixster.com/question/43/82/81/4382813_std.jpg

  • psychedelicSludge

    Cheney offers Clarice Starling a fried piece of the brain.
    BTW – was Joe self-aware before the gunshot?

  • SlouchingTowardsWasilla

    Based on the most recent pictures I’ve seen of Cheney, his life expectency is about 12 hours, so the chances of this sit-down taking place are about 50/50.

  • TGY

    It’s ok. Joe Biden has ‘lair plugs’.

  • dcgrrl

    Do you think Cheney can leave Biden a little of that ‘keep your mouth shut’?

  • dcgrrl

    [re=175069]TGY[/re]: tee hee. good one.

  • wheelie

    [re=175069]TGY[/re]: That’s a terrible joke. I’m sorry I didn’t think of it myself.

  • Hooray For Anything

    I’m thinking it’ll be more like that episode of Buffy where Buffy and Faith switch buddies except totally not hot. So Cheney will have this ring and when they shake hands, Biden’s consciousness will be in Cheney’s body and Cheney’s “consciousness” will be in Biden’s body

  • SayItWithWookies

    [re=175035]Varchar[/re]: Yeah but Dick’s so used to getting his own way he no longer bothers with nuances like what to do with the leftovers. He expects — and gets — the press to do the shutting up for him. In fact, he’ll probably send them all home with random Ziploc bags of bloody chunks just as a keepsake.

  • lampadadog

    I laughed so hard at this sentence:
    “Joe will laugh like a hyena (he is not self-aware).”
    Until I realized, perhaps my hyena-like laughter means that I too fail to be self-aware? Ominous.

  • TGY

    “For every American who is trying to do the right thing, for all those people in government who are honoring the pledge to uphold the law and honor the Constitution,” Mr. Biden said. “No longer will you hear the eight most-dreaded words in the English language, “‘The vice president’s office is on the phone.’”

    Crap, I have a man-crush on Joe.

  • EricaKane

    The cleaning ladies have been working FURIOUSLY to get all the bloodstains out before he comes, too.

  • Borat

    Ya’all got it all wrong. Cheney is a pussycat. As long has he doesn’t have any guns or sharp objects around. In a straight-out catfight, Biden would kick him in the Nutz in the first half a second.

  • Come here a minute

    “Release the hounds.”

  • problemwithcaring

    Cheney stories have a way of being overblown, like the rumor that he has a man-sized safe. Really, that’s just his Office Casket – a man needs his power naps.

  • Miller

    For the love of God Joe, don’t go into the cellar! Releasing your itinerary to the media was a good first step towards surviving. Making sure there’s video of you going in is the second. Make sure they get good shots of your face going in so we’ll have a reference if Cheney comes out wearing it as a mask and pretending he’s you.


  • Blue Canary

    Originally, I read it as “Dick Cheney to Show Joe Biden His Hair Tomorrow” — only AN HOUR LATER did I realize what it actually says. I guess I thought when Dick lopped off some Biden-lobe, he was going to shove the plugs in Joe’s face.


  • mr.november

    [re=175112]Blue Canary[/re]: Me too.Funny.

  • Sabre_Justice

    It’s going to be a heartwarming passing of the torch.

  • Min

    I hope Joe gets his shots first.

  • Mr. Herpes

    Yeah, but the Death Star is still off limits.

  • nutcracker

    Cheney will be fresh and ready, having just taken his monthly bath in the blood of 20 virgins,
    which is all that keeps his heart beating. Many years ago, coming down Reno Rd. and thinking I was at a different intersection, I drove right into the driveway of the VP residence. Fortunately this was many years before 9/11, so I wasn’t shot. Just asked to leave. I think the VP at the time was good old Nelson Rockefeller. The guards were surprisingly laid back, all things considered.

  • sarcasticusername

    don’t go joe, don’t go! if you have to go, at least say no to the hunting portion of the afternoon. when he breaks out the guns or strange water toys, run.

  • sevenrepeat

    Do you think Dick will dress in all leather?

  • Lazy Media

    OK, Joe, on Jan. 20, 2009, at noon, the Naval Observatory reappears on Google satellite maps, or you ain’t got a hair on your ass.

  • Itsjustme

    [re=174997]grendel[/re]: You want Geraldo to be here in 10 years?

  • rocktonsammy

    Tenting fingers


  • WesternCorrespondent

    Does this mean we can find Cheney’s Lair on GoogleEarth now? :)

  • WesternCorrespondent

    Lazy Media, we wallow in the same trough…

  • glamourdammerung

    I really hope someone records the strings of profanities on both sides.

  • The Helvetica Scenario

    Time to clean the skeletons out of the closets. You know, literally.

  • ivenson

    Cheney: You ready to do this thing?

    Biden: I was born ready, Sally….

    Cheney (unfurling wings): IT BEGINS

    Biden (whipping sawed-off shotgun out from under his suit coat): Say hello to the BOOMSTICK, HELLBEAST!

  • Joe the Truck Nutz

    Joe is LITERALLY looking forward to this visit, folks. Mark his words.

  • schvitzatura

    [re=175145]Lazy Media[/re]: And this little bit of real estate goes Google Maps perma-dark…

  • schvitzatura

    [re=175461]schvitzatura[/re]: Or this one.

  • Botswana Meat Commission FC

    It’s gonna be just like that scene in the “Bram Stoker’s Dracula” movie when Dracula/Cheney is able to suddenly appear in the room and then still have his shadow move around while he stands still.

    God that movie was the shiznit back in the day…

  • Norbert

    [re=175383]ivenson[/re]: FTW