gross affairs

Cindy McCain Caught Cheating With Ponytailed Loser?

Schlurp schlurp schlurpFor the past six months, the National Enquirer has devoted 148% of its coverage to the extramarital affairs of political types. This month’s installment brings you Cindy McCain’s torrid face-sucking antics with a “a long-haired man who resembles ‘a washed-up ’80s rock musician.’” Ugh, gross.

This is how terrible affairs are between Chico’s addicts and their paramours: Cindy and her reputed lover made out with each other at a Moody Blues concert. We imagine he wore a leather vest with stars on it and no shirt underneath, and after the concert they probably retired to a hotel and read The Bridges of Madison County to each other.

A second witness spotted Cindy and her “mystery man” at a Moody Blues concert “passionately kissing and hugging.”

“I couldn’t believe it. I remember thinking, ‘Go get a room!’

“They kissed and cuddled. While other concertgoers stood up to cheer and sing, Cindy and the guy remained entwined in their seats,” the eyewitness said.

In her defense, if this is true, Cindy McCain cannot be faulted for wanting to have an affair with a man under the age of 70, with hair.

WORLD EXCLUSIVE: CINDY McCAIN CAUGHT CHEATING ON J-MAC! [National Enquirer]

About the author

Sara K. Smith was Wonkette's morning editor from 2008 to 2010, and now contributes a weekly (?!) column to Wonkette, to prove she still loves you all!

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165 comments

  1. Pale Rider

    Totally untrue. I know for a fact that at the time of the alleged make out session at the Moody Blues concert, Cindy was actually in the “high dog” with Lee Greenwood and Hank Williams Jr.

  2. jodyleek

    I once had a whirlwind romance with a washed up ’90s alt rock musician. Cindy
    and I are so much alike…except I am broke and brunette. Other than that,
    we are like sisters!

  3. Doglessliberal

    I want to believe this is true, I really do. But Cindy wearing a plaid shirt? With what appears to be a turtleneck underneath it? And a scrunchy? That I cannot believe. Unless this was taken in 1983.

  4. SayItWithWookies

    So what if she made out at a Moody Blues concert. Nobody cares what she did thirty years ago. Oh, wait.

  5. Not_So_Much

    I kinda hope its true. It would make me think she’s less of a Fembot 3000 and more of an actual hu-man.

    But, I suppose it would also make her more of a cunt, so there’s that…

  6. MargeSimpsonsBlackFriend

    I’ve said it before and I will say it again: The Enquirer is the greatest newspaper of all time. ALL TIME!

  7. Not_So_Much

    [re=174510]friendlynerd[/re]:
    [re=174516]rambone[/re]:

    Man, I just knew I wouldn’t get the cunt reference in quickly enough! Tough room.

  8. obfuscator

    Fuck. This is just great. Now, in order to keep control of the next couple news cycles, Sarah Palin’s gotta get “caught” blowing some random guy in a porta-potty at a Hank Williams, Jr. concert.

    WELL PLAYED, Cindy.

  9. Electric Zen

    That’s kind of bizarre. Tempe Music Festival was more than seven months ago. These photos suddenly pop up one week after the election?

  10. T-Bone

    Oh Walnuts… Just when you think you’ve hit rock bottom. Karma can be a bitch.

    At least Sarah says she loves you.

  11. Gorillionaire

    In Cindy’s defense, I have to say that I myself have often been moved to make out at Moody Blues concerts with whomever I can grab first. The concerts are just that damn boring.

  12. obfuscator

    [re=174525]wildeoats[/re]:

    I’m thinking that said concert actually featured The Knights in White Satin, THE eastern seaboard’s preeminent Moody Blues tribute band.

  13. NoWireHangers

    An excerpt from Cindy McCain’s journal:

    I always thought Barack Obama to be a handsome black. The way his hands lingered on Michelle after the last debate–it was clear that he knew the gentle touch of a lover. His striking defeat of John means that I will be subjected to the latter’s presence in my bed. I am severely distraught. I’ve told Gonzalez that his chores around the country home will have to be scaled back in the coming weeks; no more trysts in the pool house with John on the estate. I curse John’s name! How I long for the arms of my brown skinned lover. Oh, Gonzalez! I cry your name into my goose-down pillows and remember those afternoons we shared in the sauna. The beads of sweat dripping off your taunt biceps. The musky scent of your virile manhood made me catch my breath that summer day so long ago…

  14. Cogito Ergo Bibo

    While a McCain spokesperson declined comment, for the record, there’s a simple matter of math – an 18-year age difference between John McCain, 72 and Cindy, 54.

    Ooo. Way to support it with well-researched facts. Stay klassy, Enquirer!

    Awww, fuck it. Please let this be true! Blowvember is always about the boys. About time the wimmin started contributing.

  15. Keram2

    Wow, I just got this weird image of Cindy McCain as Lindsay from “Freaks and Geeks,” getting seduced to “Nights in White Satin” in Nick’s basement. It’s truly a horrifying image. Now I’m going to go set my box set on fire and throw it off a cliff. DAMN YOU McCAINS!

  16. JeffGoldblum

    I think it would be awesome if this was true and the story totally blew up just so we could see how little John McCain would give a shit.

  17. obfuscator

    [re=174542]NoWireHangers[/re]: It’s like an unholy combination of Sidney Sheldon and “The Yellow Wallpaper”.

  18. tinybubbles

    [re=174514]Doglessliberal[/re]: I can’t imagine Cindy wearing plaid anything unless it’s Burberry. And are those PLASTIC cups in front of them? The horror.

  19. NoWireHangers

    [re=174550]Cogito Ergo Bibo[/re]: Wait one goddamn minute. Cindy is fifty-four???

    Holy God…Would have sworn she was at least 64. Cindy eat something, moisturize, then eat something again. Her bones break like an 80-year-old’s. Damn, lady. Fifty-four??!

  20. rambone

    [re=174528]Not_So_Much[/re]: Dream the impossible dream, fight the unbeatable foe, strive with your last once of courage to reach the unreachable star.

  21. Kwame'

    I once worked for someone who was caught cheating by the National Enquirer, they had ALL of their facts right. I was shocked at their accuracy.

  22. The Station Manager

    Well, these people warned us of the scourge of bat boys currently plaguing our nation (and none of us can argue with how terrible that has been), so I think we can take this story to heart.

    And hey, whatever happened to our Truck Nutz initiative?!

  23. Terry

    [re=174542]NoWireHangers[/re]:
    “no more trysts in the pool house with John”

    Boy, did I misread that line. I need to wash my eyes. Now.

  24. Charlie Tuna

    If you are to believe the Enquirer, you have to assume:

    1. The Moody Blues are still alive, and touring.

    2. Somebody would wear a Laura Ashley pants suit to a ROCK CONCERT!?!

    Sorry kids, no dice.

  25. 4tehlulz

    [re=174542]NoWireHangers[/re]: Thank you for that. I will now take an icepick to my eyes and hope that the agony will remove, however temporarily, that image from my mind.

  26. PopeyesPipe

    [re=174514]Doglessliberal[/re]: To finish the ensemble, I suggest a classic pink and green Columbia ski jacket and an ultra-thin, shiny pleather belt.

  27. ManchuCandidate

    Sounds like a romance novel to me.

    Lady McCain’s Lover

    The saga of a middle aged skeletor lady looking for the love and affection from a David Cloverdale clone to recapture the lost youth and vitality that was drained away during her long marriage to powerful crippled man whose idea of affection is to call her a cunt.

    Lots of mentions of her warm moist areas and his hard members.

    That’ll keep the old aged Hillsbot Bitterz blood flowing while they curse Preznit Hopey.

  28. Thegreatbacon

    Here’s the real question: Is that Joe Biden she’s making out with? I knew I recognized those hair plugs from somewhere.

  29. Norbert

    on a cursory glance at the photo, I’ve decided it’s Peter Jennings — who clearly faked his own death so that he could retire to his Arizona love nest. tell me I’m wrong.

  30. Alex Trebeks Girl

    Cindy is too young and too hot to let her life pass her buy with walnuts? Say it ain’t so!!!!

  31. AngryBlakGuy

    …if there is any justice in this world then there will be a wonderfully awkward press conference where WALNUTS! stands silently in the background avoiding eye contact as Cindy apologizes for betraying her families trust and profusely begs for forgiveness!

  32. grendel

    Maybe she met him at Sturgis when he gallantly stuck dollar bills over her nipples to cover her shame.

  33. problemwithcaring

    Please – that isn’t Cindy McCain. “Enquiring” minds want to know who is that mystery woman kissing Mitt Romney….

  34. 4tehlulz

    On the Enquirer web page it looks like it’s Robert Dole.

    HOLY FUCKING SHIT BOB DOLE IS OUT OF CONTROL TAKE HIS VIAGRA PLZ KTHXBAI

  35. shortsshortsshorts

    Walnuts was devastated by the news, but he quickly forgot entirely.
    There are many advantages to being married to a Civil War hero.

  36. dano

    [re=174584]magic titty[/re]: Agreed. She’s got so much dough that if she were cheating it would be with a 25 year old country club tennis pro, not some middle-aged, mullet sporting douchebag.

  37. pourmecoffee

    I know someone who is about to star in a re-enactment of McCain’s five-year imprisonment and torture in a bamboo box.

  38. queeraselvis v 2.0

    Shit, people. This pic right before lunch? I’m still trying to wipe my mind clean of the Foley pucker, and now this. Thanks for nothing, fuckers.

  39. DustBowlBlues

    Sweet Jesus, I wish I hadn’t taken a lunch break to read wonkette. My salad may come up any minute now. I don’t care if it’s the White Hag or not, that picture is gross.

  40. That Evening Sun

    [re=174567]Charlie Tuna[/re]:
    The article says the picture was taken in 2006. It was a different world back then. Laura Ashley was like spandex for the geritol-rock crowd in those days. Thank G-D we can’t see the Coldwater Creek footwear she is undoubtedly rocking.

    Also, some iteration of Moody Blues is still alive, and touring.

  41. Save the Obama Drama for your Mama

    Hey if WALNUTS! can cheat, why can’t Cindy Burns (Simpson reference)? EQUAL RIGHTS FOR CHEATERS!!

  42. DustBowlBlues

    I’m not sure it’s the Hag–no way she had that much hair only a couple of years ago. Judging by her think, over-peroxided (lack of) locks, I’m not sure she had that much hair thirty years ago. She should sue her $5,000 K an hour stylist for malpractice.

  43. HuskyMescan

    Comeon! Cindylou would never wear flannel…not even at a Moody Blues or Yes concert. ….Steppenwolf, perhaps.

  44. JohnnyMeatworth

    [re=174610]4tehlulz[/re]: sadly, Cindy’s Wikipedia page is locked–probably to prevent someone like me from adding something like this….

  45. Cape Clod

    Yeah, judging by that grainy, shadowy, out of focus photograph, this is irrefutable proof that the blond woman whose features cannot be distinguished from thousands of other is definitely Cindy McCain.

  46. liquiddaddy

    Very clever of them to make their tryst in a place where no one would notice. Somebody check the security cameras from the Cardinal’s games and the Phoenix Thanksgiving Day Parade.

  47. pourmecoffee

    I’m no homosexual, but I’d give it up to a dude too if he hit me with this sexy-talk on a warm romantic night under the stars. Follow your dreams, Cindy!

  48. shortsshortsshorts

    [re=174620]Neon Trotsky[/re]: I want you to know that I have spent the last 15 minutes of my day learning all about the ENIGMA and AMERICAN HERO, Steven Seagal.

    I will never get that time back.

    I hate you right now.

  49. TGY

    [re=174570]Vewol Mevemont[/re]: Believe it or not, sex doesn’t stop after the age of thirty. It’s just not something you usually see in a porno.

  50. GagHotDew

    Dear Cindy,

    I saw you putting your t**gue in that man’s moose-hole in the papers the other day and I’m being real frank here when I tell ya I sure wished your mom had an abortion before you and also, so. This kinda treatment being here for poor old Grampa Nams being just what it is, can’t, is how I see it anyways, being what I said before.

    If only you could take off that Mask and see us all being here with tears in eyes, Cindy, for all it is, also.

    Sarah

  51. shanemcgowan

    Beauty I’ve always missed, with these eyes before, just what the truth is, I can’t say anymore. But I love you . . .

  52. d4g33z

    [re=174605]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: I take it you identified him with your … calmpweter seestems. Good call!

    J-Mac! A cuckold. Cindy and he probably have ‘an arrangement,’ anyway.

  53. TGY

    Hah, just you young whipper-snappers wait until you’re 50+. How I shall laugh at you, possibly from beyond the grave.

  54. Vewol Mevemont

    [re=174643]TGY[/re]: Fair enough, but no one can convince me that Cindy is still alive. The taut, translucent face, hollow, glassy, washed-out eyes, stringy hair, and feeble gait… She’s a ghastly simulacrum of a living human, but certainly not the real deal.

  55. WendyK

    I need more pictures. Higher resolution pictures. I need to be sure this isn’t just her kissing one of her gays. Please Lord, if you have any love for me, make it Ted Nugent. And let Cindy be preggers with his child.

  56. TalentedButHumble

    Oh, to think I was worried that after Nov.4 our gossip would be reduced to puppies, John Edwards’ DNA or the occasional Bitter Hillary tidbit.

    Thank you, Former-Major-Party-Now-In-A-Nosedive for bein’ the gift that keeps on givin’.

  57. pourmecoffee

    I can only hope that dude wrote a song fer her about it that was Moody Bluesish – because you KNOW that opened the door to the ice chest.

  58. robanybody

    That guy is definitely Carlos Santana, which would Cindy his Black Magic Woman (Reprise). But the real question is: What was Carlos Santana doing at a Moody Blues concert? I thought the dude had moved on, man.

    It’s all so depressing. We coulda had a presidential affair scandal thingie. Instead, all we got is HOPE.

  59. Doglessliberal

    [re=174674]NoWireHangers[/re]: the article in Vogue really makes her sound like an incredibly cool and down to earth person, too. The whole family sounds that way. And she runs 5 miles a day, which no doubt contributes to the good looks.

  60. hedgehog

    I love that song “Meghan’s Mom Has Got It Going On”.

    Bless her menopausal heart — if Cindy can get Michael Bolton to wag his willie at her, she deserves it after a year of campaign hell.

  61. Tommy Says Soooo

    [re=174592]grendel[/re]: Fanks. You’re right up there with Cogito Ergo Bibo’s backyard as far as the ticker tape for me goes.

  62. independentthinkerdude

    @Not So Much

    Honestly, I don’t know what it is with icy older woman and ex-musician long hair types, but I am one of the latter, and have received the advances of such women on many occasions. One even said I looked like Yanni, and meant it as a compliment. Beneath her icy exterior beats a heart of fiery passion.

  63. CivicHoliday

    [re=174644]GagHotDew[/re]: P.S. You know I feel love and honor for your husband, an American hero, Cindy, I want to brag him up to everyone, and I want to brag you up also, for love of him the hero, but I can’t now, because God closed that door, also. Say it ain’t so, that your kids think this kinda thing is normal for moms and dads and families across this great nation. Why doncha send little Meghan up here to be with my girls, ya know, so they can be with a real American mom who stands by her husband, even if he is a half-breed Eskimo, also.

    Oh, and snark aside, Jill Biden is WAY more hot than Cindy McCain. Smarter and more likable, too.

  64. sezme

    Cindy can only get it on when John dresses up as a ponytailed loser at concerts featuring washed-up 70s acts. What’s the big deal?

  65. Tommy Says Soooo

    Cindy apparently has a thing for men who 1) have hair and 2) can lift their hands to comb said hair.

  66. lawrenceofthedesert

    I sure miss “JFK is Alive!”, but any publication that will still run with “Disney wants dibs on Bam girls for kidvid skein” hasn’t totally gone highbrow on us. The problem with this stuff is that every once in a blue moon, they’re on the money — lotsa monkeys and typing paper, I guess.

  67. Schadenfried

    Granted, I heard the Enquirer has some pretty good fact checkers so can avoid lawsuits, but this woman can’t be Cindy. She doesn’t look as raggedy.

  68. sarahconnor

    [re=174514]Doglessliberal[/re]: Whoa, you could not have nailed that fashion id any better. I’ll bet she was wearing Gloria Vanderbilt jeans, too.

  69. PoliTacky

    [re=174514]Doglessliberal[/re]: Cindy does seem like the kind of person that could be easily fooled by ripping out the labels from shitty Land’s End clothing and replacing them with fancy high-falutin’ designer labels…

    “I didn’t know Dolce & Gabanna made turtlenecks! They’re only $10,000 each? I’ll take 5.”

  70. stolichnayaaa

    [re=174620]Neon Trotsky[/re]: Seagal was the first thing I thought.

    Hell of a ways to fall from Kelly LeBrock circa 1990.

  71. Mel_David

    [re=174619]answerbird[/re]: Yeah, Laura was just plain too hot. I want to marry early-20s-movie-Laura when she is a dark-haired hottie who does nothing but read and smoke cigarettes and campaign for Gene McGovern. IS ANYTHING HOTTER THAN THAT? No.

    Side note, what’s up with Elizabeth Banks being in three movies released between Oct. 17 and Nov. 7? Even John C. Reilly is saying she needs to slow down.

  72. Doglessliberal

    [re=174782]PoliTacky[/re]: Oh, man, so true.

    And looking at that pic again, the ears really do look like hers. Hers stick out a lot.

    [re=174773]sarahconnor[/re]: Being in high school in the 80s is something you never get over. The images are seared into your brain.

  73. answerbird

    Mel_David: They potrayed her way too smart in the movies as well. Anyone with any brains wouldn’t have stuck around that A-Hole and his disfunctional family all those years. And WTF with Seth Rogan, anyone that looks like him in real life wouldn’t be banging women like Elizabeth Banks and Katherine Heigl. I’ll have to watch Zack and Miri this weekend.

  74. superfecta

    I was in the Moody Blues fanclub as a teenager in the 1980s. It sent out a newsletter called ‘Higher and Higher’ so one can assume that Cindy latched on to that message.

  75. WadISay

    I got dragged to a Moody Blues concert a few years ago, and the only person whose face it motivated me to suck was my own. Talk about depressive, self-important music to off yourself by.

  76. gidgetbananas

    Hey, that picture was taken in 2006; Edwards was screwing around with Rielle in 2006. It must have been a good year, but damn, isn’t there a statute of limitations for adultery?

  77. RobPetrified

    Moody Blues?
    How freakin’ lame is that?
    Imagine the embarrassment to the nation if somebody like that lived at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave?

  78. hobospacejungle

    Not only is Jill Biden one lovely lady, but the Biden offspring/clan seem to contain several young lovelies if that Vogue shot is anything to go by. We need more up close & personals with the Biden family, please.

  79. glamourdammerung

    [re=174531]Electric Zen[/re]: Maybe the Enquirer was worried about getting anthrax mailed to them.

  80. kth

    “Senior citizens wish they were young…
    Cold-hearted orb that rules the night
    Remove these colors from our sight…:

    No, you see, it’s cool to remember that spoken word sequence from “Nights In White Satin”, if recited with sufficient irony…

  81. Borat

    Mehgan can come live at my place when there’s a highly public divorce. She can wear slippers and blog all she wants.

    Oh, and with the pre-nup, Walnuts gets none of the fortune, and has to give Cindy HALF. And can live in the gutter.

  82. populucious

    I cannot believe you all do not recognize the OBVIOUS identity of her paramour: the one, the only, Julio Iglesias! Cindy was simply following the GOP directive to rally the Hispanic vote with any and all of the powers at her and her Barbie Dream Van’s disposal.

  83. mowglior

    kissing or feeding? did anyone find a shriveled lifeless body emptied of blood? besides her husband’s?

  84. ph7

    [re=174843]superfecta[/re]: Superfecta, you belonged to the Moody Blues fan club AND have XTC’s English Settlement album cover as your avatar? Strange mix.

  85. Bialy

    I don’t understand something here. Is the picture supposed to be Cindy the slut with her aging lothario at a Moody Blues concert? If so, then why are there two apparently untouched pina coladas in front of each kisser? Is there a two drink minimum at Moody Blues concerts now? (After all these years, I can certainly understand if there is. It must make it easier on all the affected parties.) And given the graininess of the photo maybe it’s actually a picture of a teenage Cindy making out with a much older man (a pattern she would continue to act out in the future) – in this case, Charlton Heston.

  86. Bearbloke

    Au contraire! This cunt’s trollopy tryst provides the perfect excuse for WALNUTS! & Bible Spice to get down with that still-angry “make-up” sex they’ve been cravin’ for 2 weeks….

  87. villageatrois

    [re=174529]obfuscator[/re]: “Sarah Palin’s gotta get “caught” blowing some random guy in a porta-potty at a Hank Williams, Jr. concert.”

    Well, Hank showed up. Where the ‘eff is Sarah when all his rowdy friends are comin’ over tonight? Hope she’s not with that terrorist, Todd the Palinator. Porty potties are OK. That’s how we do it in Dixie: “Belly button dangler, twenty minute tan, we’ll go on Jerry Springer if you hit on my man…”

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