cocktober

Mark Foley Breaks 2-Year Silence

Regrets, I've had a fewPoor Mark Foley. In olden times (two years ago), he was just another affable barely-closeted gay Republican, well liked by his colleagues and constituents. Then he got caught exchanging sexy instant messages with 17-year-old male pages who were pretty clearly like, “Whatever, you old creep,” and suddenly everybody thought he was terrible. Now Foley’s breed of harmless homosexual Republican has been hunted almost into extinction, even as exorcism fetishists, alien warlords, and angry old crooks flourish within the party ranks. Let’s see what the fragile, endangered Cocktobrus floridianus has to say for himself.

Hint: Nothing new! Just a bunch of excuse-making so transparent that even an AP reporter had to point it out:

“If I had a post office named after me today, they’d probably return to sender,” he said. “It’s not a pleasant place to be. It’s not what I envisioned … working this hard all my life to end up in an ash heap because of a momentary lapse of judgment.”

But Foley carried on the computer conversations for months, asking about masturbation, sex, and other details.

Foley hasn’t given an interview in TWO YEARS and in his first interview he says entirely predictable things:

“I believed I owed my constituents an apology,” Foley said. “I embarrassed them and I embarrassed my family and I wanted to have a chance in a public setting to lend my voice to what happened, not through an attorney, not through a spokesperson, but from myself.”

He also cries and expresses more remorse and humiliation, blah blah blah. He should just be glad he doesn’t live in Louisiana, where he would already have been castrated with a rusty razor by Bobby Jindal himself! Instead he gets to fart around Palm Beach with his fancy dermatologist boyfriend. This does not sound like such a bad life, to us.

AP Interview: Foley breaks silence on sex scandal [AP]

About the author

Sara K. Smith was Wonkette's morning editor from 2008 to 2010, and now contributes a weekly (?!) column to Wonkette, to prove she still loves you all!

View all articles by Sara K. Smith

Comments

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  • cal

    “Cocktobrus floridianus”?

    Sara, this is why we love you.

  • Sarah Palin (vp@whitehouse.gov)

    I think I just found my 2012 VP! Also,

    -SP

  • Larry Fine

    I would give him a break, he never flaunted his homo-lifestyle in our faces like a lot of the other sodomites do.

  • BeatrixSlaughter

    “There was never anywhere in those conversations where someone said, ‘Stop,’ or ‘I’m not enjoying this,’ or ‘This is inappropriate’ … but again, I’m the adult here, I’m the congressman,”

    Jeez, ya think? Why didn’t those 17-year-olds that he was the boss of just say “stop?” Obviously they must of wanted it more than even he did. God, what a jackass.

  • Tommy Says Soooo

    Hokay, I thought you were “born gay”. Or does abuse “make you gay”.

    If he was born gay, then he would be gay regardless.

    No wonder teh blacks are pissed.

  • monty

    maybe the ‘hot bottom’ agenda was his?

  • skyinator

    This may be off topic, or maybe not; I was out sick the day the term “Truck Nutz” was invented. Lucy, you got some ‘splainin’ to do.

  • Tommy Says Soooo

    If the pages had been Grateful Dead fans, all would be forgiven.

  • Sussemilch

    [re=174374]skyinator[/re]: Truck nutz = plastic thingy that covers your trailer hitch that looks like a pair of testicles hanging down between your truck wheelz.

  • btwbfdimho

    “I’m just going to take it a day at a time.”

    You can take two or three at a time if you wish; it’s a free country!

  • Sean O

    For me, Kenneth from 30 Rock has destroyed the concept of pages forever. Maybe it’s just the unbelievably creepy look that Wil Arnett gives him. shudder.

  • MARCdMan

    [re=174366]cal[/re]: for real, i’m loving me some SKS posts lately.

  • monty

    its going to take a fair amount of turd polish to make mr foley look good again

  • Sara K. Smith

    [re=174374]skyinator[/re]: Here’s where it all started: http://wonkette.com/382759/florida-lawmakers-take-brave-stand-against-fake-testicles

    But if you do a search on “Truck Nutz” in the little searchy box above, you will see that they are a frequently used comedic crutch round these parts.

  • Not_So_Much

    He’s soooo sorry…that he got caught. Cuz let’s face it, the perks were awesome!

  • rocktonsammy

    Where and what time will Foley’s seminar be at the gov’s conference?

    Topic — Hot Bottom issues?

  • pourmecoffee

    I have a 16 year-old son. Should I block the “.gov” domain entirely?

  • queeraselvis v 2.0

    [re=174392]pourmecoffee[/re]: You mean you haven’t already? DO IT NOW… at least until January 20, when all hope will be restored.

  • queeraselvis v 2.0

    Also, this pic makes Foley looks like he’s fellating a lizard. Just sayin’.

  • S.Luggo

    Foley has given “momentary” a new defintion: multi-year.

  • S.Luggo

    Poor Mark, ending up on the “ass heap”.

  • Keram2

    What a hot bottom feeder.

  • bago

    Bottom. Hot Topic?

  • Heywood Floyd

    Not much more disturbing to look at than a lipless man making a ‘kissy face’.

  • Miller

    Gotta love Republicans. Henry Hyde can re-appropriate the phrase “youthful indiscretion” to cover things he did in his fifties, while Mark Foley redefines “momentary lapse of judgment” to a series of judgments and sexual advances perpetrated over several years. I can’t wait until the next one.

    http://thesebastards.blogspot.com/

  • skyinator

    [re=174379]Sussemilch[/re]: [re=174387]Sara K. Smith[/re]: thank you from the bottom of my truck nutz!

  • Makeithurt

    He just wants to turn over a new page. (Sorry. Someone had to say it.)

  • messickc (ROLL TIDE!)

    Speaking of hot bottom TRUCKNUTZ!!1! secksy time. 69 Days til Inauguration day!!!!

  • MysteriousHoatzin

    Damn, you, Wonkette! Your bizarre abuse of commas is going to completely atrophy my grammar skills.

  • StephanieInCA

    Well at least he isn’t terrorizing innocent churchgoers with BUCKETS OF SODOMITE GLITTER like pink al “gay”da here: http://urbzen.com/2008/11/12/glitter-oh-the-humanity/

    WHY GOD WHY????

  • Homo Motors

    [re=174366]cal[/re]: Ha ha… she said ‘anus’!

  • Rusty Shackleford

    [re=174401]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: For reals. Looks like he’s puckering up for a pageboy Dirty Sanchez.

  • TeddyS

    Palin-Foley in 2012 !!

  • GagHotDew

    At the Mark Foley Post Office, two rates: Instant Mail & “momentary” three-year mail. Employees not allowed to wear pants, like Foley in above photo. He is in fact modeling new Mark Foley Post Office garb; aquamarine shoulder-cloth, thasall. Someone please confect joke on exfoleyating dermatologist, or monstrous penis-shaped state.

  • Borat

    I didn’t know Charlie Crist is a dermitologist AND a governor! What a catch but I guess that explains the orange skin

  • crookedE

    [re=174436]Makeithurt[/re]: hahahaha! FTW.

  • HomoPolitico

    Yeah, I hate it when bottoms wear Hot Topic.

    wait…what?

  • Neon Trotsky

    [re=174412]S.Luggo[/re]: Win! You should inform the AP of that little typo…

  • Senator Bateman

    Since we’ve already got Cocktober, can we have No Means No-vember?

  • TGY

    because of a momentary lapse of judgment

    Sometimes a moment can last for months.

    “I loved my early life, and then along comes a priest … who forces me into a sexual relationship at the age of 12.

    It’s the Pope’s fault as usual: Benedict, this means you!

  • Rev. Juan MessyCan

    [re=174628]TGY[/re]: Since the Cough-or-lick bishops are trying to oppose St. Hopey O’Bama on killing people before they’re people, maybe we should repay the favor by sending Mark Holey to the Vaselinecan to argue that it’s their fault there are so many gayz. His brilliant rationale that teh priest did it in the sacristy with the (flesh) pipe might just prove enough for Beelzebub to pull the plug on that department and suddenly Mt. Vesuvius will erupt sparing everything but that speck of hypocrisy in Rome. (The treasures that have been looted from all over the world will be missed, but in a way, it’s the cost of doing business.)

    Hmmm… interesting etymology and pronunciation to “priest” – in charge of prying as in “he who priest open the buttocks of children.”

  • thefrontpage

    MARK FOLEY FOR PRESIDENT!

  • Fruit Machine

    Why am I seeing a Jonas brother selling me medical equipment?

  • foog

    I’m shocked that nobody has pointed out the best quote from the entire interview…

    “The fact is I allowed it to happen. That’s where my responsibility lies.”

    Obviously, we’ve had him pegged (hehe, I said “pegged”) all wrong. He didn’t do anything worse than “allow” this to happen, just like the Bush administration merely “allowed” the war in Iraq to happen and I “allowed” myself to get shitfaced and fall asleep naked in a pile of my own sick by my kid’s grammar school last Tuesday. errr.. I’ve allowed myself to say too much.