SENATE  5:24 pm November 11, 2008

Alaska Figures Out Why Every Election Outcome Was Horribly Confusing

by Jim Newell

Remember how convicted criminal-senator Ted Stevens of Alaska finagled his way into an election night lead despite every poll showing him down by 4,750%, due to those seven (7) crimes? Well the Alaska elections board has found a few hidden ballots that might change the score. But not many ballots, just THIRTY PERCENT OF THEM. You know, thirty percent, as in “one-third.” Countin’ starts tomorrow at high noon or some other time of the day. [ADN, Brad Blog]

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lazyb November 11, 2008 at 5:27 pm

Whenever’s good for you guys. No hurry. Really.

JeffGoldblum November 11, 2008 at 5:28 pm

It’s not that surprising when you consider that everyone in Alaska is a fucking moron.

jinmoom November 11, 2008 at 5:28 pm

Alaska is truly the laughing stock of the continent.

messickc (ROLL TIDE!) November 11, 2008 at 5:29 pm

At high noon? They better git ta counten em real quick, because soon we won’t be haven high noons here with winter acommen. Also.

Borat November 11, 2008 at 5:30 pm

ooo..this is great. let me guess they were all missing from the gay and black parts of the states. racist homophobes.

ManchuCandidate November 11, 2008 at 5:30 pm

Alaskan Barbie sez: Math is hard.

Borat November 11, 2008 at 5:31 pm

I honestly don’t know the effects of Meth, but I’m guessin’ NOT vote countin’ has somethin’ to do with it.

NoWireHangers November 11, 2008 at 5:32 pm

Nate Silver wins again! There was something fishy goin’ on in ‘laska and it wasn’t the salmon run…

AngryBlakGuy November 11, 2008 at 5:32 pm

…it not like they learn how to count in Alaska anyways!

AngryBlakGuy November 11, 2008 at 5:32 pm

[re=173657]messickc (ROLL TIDE!)[/re]: …as a Floridian I thank you!

twoeightnine November 11, 2008 at 5:33 pm

[re=173654]jinmoom[/re]: Which continent?

(All of them.)

AngryBlakGuy November 11, 2008 at 5:34 pm

[re=173663]ManchuCandidate[/re]: …isn’t the 11th commandment: “Thou who count shall get smite!”?

jagorev November 11, 2008 at 5:35 pm

Counting is for elitists. Gut instinct tells you that Alaskans would be exactly the kind of people who would re-elect Ted Stevens.

rocktonsammy November 11, 2008 at 5:35 pm

If everyone in Alaska are morons, why hasn’t Russia invaded yet?

We have to watch them people closer, they’re a bunch evil super geniuses.

AngryBlakGuy November 11, 2008 at 5:36 pm

[re=173654]jinmoom[/re]: [re=173657]messickc (ROLL TIDE!)[/re]: …correction, I was aiming for you buddy in this spot[re=173667]AngryBlakGuy[/re]!

Borat November 11, 2008 at 5:39 pm

“…voters can request a recount without paying the $15,000 fee…”

All these fees in Alaska sound like bribes or slush funds to me. Damn capitalists. Didn’t they want to charge a few million $ for access to Snowbilly’s emails?

AngryBlakGuy November 11, 2008 at 5:39 pm

…can we just make Alaska a Leper colony or something?!

SayItWithWookies November 11, 2008 at 5:41 pm

“‘Mundane, anal detail’ are the words you want,” said Bonnie Jack, a local political activist and observer for the Stevens camp.
Winters get a mite long up there, don’t they?

NotthatLC November 11, 2008 at 5:44 pm

At last, Nate Silver can take a nap. I thought his poor little head was going to explode.

bitchincamaro November 11, 2008 at 5:47 pm

He who is first shall be last. Gospel according to Nate.

FreshCliches November 11, 2008 at 5:52 pm

It seemed there was a clogged voting tube.

MargeSimpsonsBlackFriend November 11, 2008 at 5:57 pm

Alaska is a a bastion of corruption? The hell you say!

mattbolt November 11, 2008 at 5:57 pm

Alaska, I had no animosity towards you about 2 months ago. I found you to be a quaint distraction, a fun vacation destination, a wacky but lovable half-cousin in the eccentric state family.

Now I loathe you and all your frostbitten redneck inhabitants.

Vanity Smurf November 11, 2008 at 5:58 pm

It takes a lot of time to sort through and shred all those ballots for the Dem.

Itsjustme November 11, 2008 at 6:00 pm

[re=173686]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: But, what would become of all those Moose Balls?

blinky_twinkie November 11, 2008 at 6:01 pm

“The board rejected outright only a handful of votes, like the one from a voter who checked a box saying that, no, he or she wasn’t a U.S. citizen, said Petersen’s campaign manager, David Dunsmore.”

Damn!! I’m going to France to vote the next time that Sarkoczy bitch is up for reelection!

Toomush Infermashun November 11, 2008 at 6:03 pm

Now, see, this is just what Squaw Palin was talkin about – they didn’t count us colored and Injuns! Disenfranchisementalisuchandsuchyoubetcha…..

Weeping Jesus November 11, 2008 at 6:16 pm

You have to understand that the head of the Division of Elections in Alaska (Eskimo for “we breed ‘em young”) is the Lieutenant Governor, Palin’s best friend (male), who couldn’t beat Don Young in the primary. Anyone else think this dipshit is behind this?

Add it up: Palin knifed Stevens in the back, later said, “I never said Ted should step down” when she thought he won the election, and now has her hand so far up the rectum of her second-in-command that she’s making certain Ted wins it and is expelled by the Senate after his conviction is upheld…leaving the “door” wide open for her to “plow through” in the special election. Oh happy day! Caribou Barbie running for U.S. Senate! Another election cycle where we can watch her dodge press conferences and garble the language most of us mastered as children!

bc November 11, 2008 at 6:16 pm

Beautiful – Thank you alaska for being the new floriduh only stupider, less competent, and more crooked. Y’all make us here in Florida (finally a BLUE STATE) look GOOD!

Wee Mousie November 11, 2008 at 6:31 pm

All polls and elections in Alaska have a reliability factor of plus or minus 30 per cent.

The votes they actually count, however, are dead on.

Guppy06 November 11, 2008 at 6:31 pm

[re=173708]mattbolt[/re]: Before this year, if you said “Alaska,” I would have thought about Northern Exposure. Nowadays, I’d think of Palin, the most popular governor in the Union, and her supporters.

It’ll be a while before I’ll be able to think of Alaska in a positive light again, if ever.

PerhapsSo November 11, 2008 at 6:32 pm

One more reason why Nate Silver is my imaginary boyfriend.

Godot November 11, 2008 at 6:42 pm

This just proves that the only worthwhile place in Alaska is Shadow Moses Island. Which I’m 99% sure isn’t even a real place.

cal November 11, 2008 at 6:42 pm

I still lovelovelove that pic of Uncle Ted.

Best. Wig. Ever.

Mr. Herpes November 11, 2008 at 6:45 pm

Ease up, wonketeers. Think of Alaska as a wacky sit com, kind of like “Hogans Heros”, where the Nazis were too stupid to drool the good guys (okay, so Bob Crane was a little twisted) just cooled around and made ‘em look silly. Sarah P. is my new Commander Klink.

Jacobsbladder November 11, 2008 at 6:47 pm

‘Mundane, anal detail’ are the words you want,” sai Bonnie Jack, a local political activist and observer for the Stevens camp.

She’s right! Those are EXACTLY the words I wanted!

worrierqueen November 11, 2008 at 6:52 pm

[re=173665]NoWireHangers[/re]: Afraid not, even with that 30% the vote is still way down. The rest of the votes just must be buried deeper.

Numbat Dundee November 11, 2008 at 6:54 pm

Oh you funny Americans and your elections! In Australia we use a pen and paper and we count the results on the night and we have a boring independent authority that runs things and it’s all so dull. You have hanging chads and Acorns and problems with polar bears eating ballots (or was it polar bears eating Acorns?). You are so lucky.

Weeping Jesus November 11, 2008 at 6:54 pm

Not clear on something: How does this trump the Minnesota fuckup with the Franken vote count? It is much more interesting thinking of Al Franken doing his “daily affirmation” on the Senate floor. Ted Stevens is of no consequence compared to that Al guy, you betcha.

liquiddaddy November 11, 2008 at 7:07 pm

Why the old pic of Jonathan Winters?

Bagglio Ordonez November 11, 2008 at 7:09 pm

Hey! You try going precinct by precinct collecting dem dere ballots by sled-dog.

WickedWitchoftheMidwest November 11, 2008 at 7:18 pm

Oversight is indeed called for, or Ted Stevens will no doubt use these tardy paper ballots to roll potent Alaskan Thunderfuck doobies. He’s going to smoke away the representative democracy I’ve pooped so hard for!!!!!! Arrgghhh!!!!!

Custerwolf November 11, 2008 at 7:22 pm

[re=173758]Guppy06[/re]: Of course even the producers of Northern Exposure weren’t willing to brave the contagion of stupidity infecting the majority of Alaskans, which is why it was filmed here in Washington state.

obfuscator November 11, 2008 at 7:36 pm

I will assume the newly discovered ballots were found in the refuse created by Crooked Ted’s home renovation.

DangerousLiberal November 11, 2008 at 7:45 pm

[re=173652]JeffGoldblum[/re]: Ease up, dude. (See avatar, on the left).

DangerousLiberal November 11, 2008 at 7:53 pm

Step off, Alaska haters! Not everyone voted for Cariboo Barbie. Just the ones in Fairbanks, and some in Anchorage. Alaska had real statesmen in the Senate once: Gruening, Bartlett. Then, around the time of Stevens and Gravel, the wheels came off. And a series of decent governors (and one wack job, Wally Hickel, and even he wasn’t so bad). Then came Gov. Murkowski (feh) and his unintentional spawn, Gov. Palin.

There are still some grown-ups in Alaska politics (Mark Begich, Tony Knowles) but it’s been tough times for them.

dearest November 11, 2008 at 8:00 pm

It is time for Alaska to get that independence that it so much likes. Let’s leave them alone.

Weeping Jesus November 11, 2008 at 8:09 pm

Our flag would look just fine with only 49 stars. We can go back to 50 when we split California into two states.

smellyal8r November 11, 2008 at 8:19 pm

I’m in favor of an Alaska Independence Party here in the lower 48 and we can find a way to “grant” them their independence and quit making the rest of us look bad. Take your snow, and your sled dogs and your Moose antlers and go. Just go. Join Canada or Russia or be on your own. Build your own bridges, sell oil back into this country to make your own money. Git. Git out of here This keeps Palin from running for President or Senator or Dog Catcher. Even though the South is as racist as hell, I can put up with their antics. Losing a third of the ballots is the last straw. Mmmm-bye.

smellyal8r November 11, 2008 at 8:22 pm

[re=173966]Weeping Jesus[/re]: Or “The Big One” does the job for us and CA splits itself into two states.

Custerwolf November 11, 2008 at 8:25 pm

[re=173913]DangerousLiberal[/re]: I did say “MAJORITY of Alaskans” – as I do have good friends up their who speak in coherent and intelligent phrases. Alaska- minus most of its biped inhabitants – is THE best place on Earth to live.

TGY November 11, 2008 at 8:54 pm

So, Alaska is only two-thirds baked?

Tomthebunny November 11, 2008 at 9:16 pm

[re=173913]DangerousLiberal[/re]: Right you are- I was amazed at the number of Obama stickers I was seeing all over Anchorage, along with yard signs, buttons, etc. We’re not all brain dead, although it sure seems that way at times! Keep hope alive- Don and Ted- Cellmates for life!

Merry Christen November 11, 2008 at 10:21 pm

[re=173736]bc[/re]: Yay! We’re with not a laughing stock state now! Now if only we could start teh revolution, kill the rich, and get rid of all the rednecks, Floriduh would be a gay, happy, free drugs for everyone paradise party state, with free abortions for everyone and presided over by the almighty feminazi cooter of the Queen Cunt of Fuck mountain!!! (Thanks, MM)

W[re=173966]Weeping Jesus[/re]: We could annex Tiujuna… or Puerto Rico! Or Jamaica. Whatever, just give to me the cheap booze, drugs, and the penicillin concession at sleazy resorts!

BobLoblawLawBlog November 11, 2008 at 10:59 pm

Were they in a box in a lake? Under, say, a big rock?

Damn you, Mike Gravel!!!

JS November 12, 2008 at 2:57 am

I most of you are kidding about letting Alaska drop from the Union, but it hurts just to hear it.

Alaska is great, I have been twice and it is a wonderful state. I hope to visit again. Just because the wing nuts are in charge does not mean we should concede it to them. BY that measure we would have had to concede the entire US to the wing nuts under Bush. Let’s defeat these bastards everyplace and take this country back…ALL OF IT.

glamourdammerung November 12, 2008 at 6:43 am

[re=174268]JS[/re]: I am sorry, but I actually would support getting rid of our dead weight red states. One can really only listen to them bitch about our country while holding their hand out at the same time for so long before it just gets trite. With the money we saved not serving the “anti-big government” welfare queens, we could solve most of our budget issues very quickly.

Terry November 12, 2008 at 8:57 am


Honestly, a good bit of Alaska’s problems started when the oil company people came in in force. Before that, you beautiful state was populated mostly by Native folks, hippies, and libertarians.

proudcitizen November 12, 2008 at 9:40 am

[re=173654]jinmoom[/re]: Finally, Florida is bumped out of first place.

Ted Perino November 12, 2008 at 10:00 am

We must put the Alaska Highway Patrols on the search for: lost wirginities, Weapons of teh Mass Destruction, our belov├ęd Snow Queen’s Republiquan gowns, Sam McGee.

For the arctic nights have seen strange sights.

DustBowlBlues November 12, 2008 at 11:33 am

Why is Ted S. wearing a hat made of cotton puffs glued onto a shower cap? Granted, cotton puffs are always fun glueing projects–when we use them in Sunday School to glue onto the lambs on little bible thingie-crafts, the little ones love it.

Is this another instance of Ted’s creeping senility? That he’s reverted back to cotton puff crafts?

Oh, Alaska, how ignominious you have become. Once, you could hide behind television shows that made us all think your state, sparsely populated as it is, is full of people who are either hot or charmingly eccentric. Or both.

But now the secret is out. You are wackos. You don’t deserve another penny of my hard-earned tax money for your traffic projects to a nowhere frozen hell. Not even to make bail for Uncle Ted.

bonsai pajamas November 12, 2008 at 12:48 pm

Alaska. Thirty percent. That’s what? Twelve votes?

You betcha! Darn right!

bonsai pajamas November 12, 2008 at 12:49 pm

DustBowlBlues: Wigs are thicker in Alaska. It’s very cold there. Alaskan chic.

aflurry November 12, 2008 at 1:49 pm

[re=173714]Itsjustme[/re]: is still unclaimed! ‘Course moose (meese?) already has nuts so you might have to just give them moosenutsnutz.

… how do you make a capital apostrophe?

Kotter November 12, 2008 at 10:43 pm

Ah, the picture in this article brings back memories.

zirconia November 13, 2008 at 1:34 am

Wonketteers, you’re being a bit harsh.

This state changed radically when the boom struck and Texlahoma emptied out its trailer trash and sent all the embarrassing relates north to hit it big. Problem is, some of them stayed. A lot of them stayed. Some ran for office, and others voted them in.

If folks in the Lower 48 loved Palin, maybe it was because they recognized her as one of their own.

A family I know came up here last year, got on food stamps and moved into public housing–dad got a decent job with an outfit that folks around here, if they get hired, stay with for a working lifetime–he quit a few weeks later to get more money from a short-term job, and is again jobless; state of Alaska is putting him through vocational training now. This year they sent for more relatives, which allowed them to move into much more spacious public housing, and they took them around to apply for food stamps, energy assistance, etc., much like most folks submit change of address notices. Like the politicians, they’re sucking off the tit of the state rather than pitching in, pushing up their sleeves, and taking care of themselves. It’s a lifestyle, but not for the folks who’ve been here for years. Where’d they come from? South of the border, and more on the way.

Palin illegally used her influence to push for another rape-and-run boomtime project: Pebble Mine. Alaskans were pretty vocal about not wanting it, but it’s not our state anymore.

Damn the oil.

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