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Starting tomorrow, a bunch of leaders from the loser party will meet in the spicy gay Mexican outpost of Miami, Florida, for the most important event of the year: the Republican Governors Association’s 2008 Annual Conference (.PDF). Yay! They will supposedly discuss the future of the party, but since there is no future, it will just be five or ten potential 2012 candidates (including one S. Palin!) forging alliances to determine which will lose to Ralph Nader in four years. But! There are many delightful events on the conference schedule, so let’s see what the cool kids will be doing.

Tomorrow’s “Late Night” special will be held at a Communist club! Charlie Crist will provide the long, hard stogies, and by long, hard stogies we mean… cigars. You know, the cigars Charlie Crist will offer to his Republican guests.

After a few drinks, an unawares Sarah Palin will slip a mickey into Charlie Crist’s Sex on the Beach (“I like the orange coloring that he has as his skin!”), Charlie Crist will slip one into Bobby Jindal’s (“I’ve gotta have at least one Indian Mexican before I die”), and Bobby Jindal will slip one into Sarah Palin’s so he can take her upstairs and exorcise the Retard Demons from her soul. So basically all three will be thrown in the trash can by a Cuban janitor when they’re found passed out in the unisex bathroom at 7 a.m.

Ah, the next day brings an afternoon of elitism “real American stuff.” Things will get awkward during the stroll through Gianni Versace’s estate, when Sarah Palin starts screaming at the house to give her new clothes.

More Late Night fun, this time at a Socialist “FDR” club! Same love triangle scenario as the night before, except with Mark Sanford, Haley Barbour and Tim Pawlenty in the cast.

And the next morning they have to leave, so sad. But what kind of host would Charlie Crist be if he dismissed his guests on an empty stomach? “Ain’t nobody gettin’ out of here without eatin’ a plateful of fried dicks,” Charlie will say.

[RGA Conference Schedule .PDF]

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  • bfstevie

    Wow! A speech by Dr. William Kristol. Who will also host the 3 card monte tournament.

  • Schadenfried

    The forgot the manly sport of naked Greek oil wrestling.

  • cal

    Sexy time!

  • Kwame&#39

    Who is able to monitor the outfits that Sarah and Todd will be wearing?

  • Golitely

    Even the fonts they use are incredibly old-fashioned. Charming.

  • hockeymom

    Day of Beauty.
    Must get pics of Pawlenty getting Pedicure.

  • War Eagle

    I think a “BUTCH OTTER” (their caps) is illegal in Florida.

    Dr. Bennett will cheat at 3-card monte, hiding beans under his Book-o-Virtues.

    Rising Stars of the Republican Party Breakfast? Sounds like a cereal.

  • choinski

    Poor Charlie Christ, having to decide between cruising, facials, or art deco gay bar hopping.

  • hedgehog

    Choo-Choo Charlie was a cartoon character featured in Good & Plenty television advertisements in the ’60s, a juvenile train conductor who used Good & Plenty candy to make his train run.

    Maybe Choo-Choo Charlie Crist can slip a mickey into the drinks of Rep. Virgil Goode (R-VA) and Gov. Tim Pawlenty (R-MN) — he could “make his train run” with Goode & Pawlenty!

  • Viva la Cynthia
  • JeffGoldblum

    Ehhghem… I was made to understand that there would be boyfucking at the Late Night Party?

  • psychedelicSludge

    wonder if they’ll play “smear the queer”.

  • StripesAndPlaids

    [re=173507]hedgehog[/re]: You worked for that one, and it paid off my friend.

  • Red Headed StepChild

    “Hookers and Blow” are already booked someplace else, huh?

  • Viva la Cynthia

    [re=173512]psychedelicSludge[/re]: That’s not a nice way to talk about Rick Perry.

  • WalnutsThePlumber

    you left out the part where everyone gets free TRUCK NUTZ

  • ManchuCandidate

    Sounds like a toe tapping good time.

  • freeatlast

    The invitation only breakfast includes Sarah P’s unemployed husband and 9 pregnant children, right?

  • Tommy Says Soooo

    HENGHHHH?! Also.

  • JeffGoldblum

    They scheduled the Third Annual Jeff Gannon Pillowfight/Ticklefest for the same time as the new episode of Gossip Girl? Someone is getting fucking FIRED!

  • obfuscator

    [re=173486]bfstevie[/re]: I’d love to attend the scrapbooking seminar.

  • ihasasad

    WTH! Why do they get to learn about the new products and beauty secrets? Am I paying for this?

  • AnnieGetYourFun

    You guys keep stalking about fried dicks as though they aren’t a true delicacy. I don’t know why. Some of the best finger food I have ever had, anyway.

  • qwerty42

    I figure after they have reviewed the prospects for the party, the heavy drinking will begin. That’s the time for the NRA surprise gift: Glocks for everyone! Ammo too!

  • cal

    [re=173507]hedgehog[/re]: Golf clap. 8.7/10

  • Schmannity

    Crist’s fraternity moustache says it all.

  • IslandGirlFL

    I seriously can’t get enough of this picture. Our gubner strongly resembles my HS boyfriend in this pic, particuarly the ‘stache. HEY! He looks like my HS BF WHO LATER CAME OUT! Bill? Is that you?

  • lotusflwr

    I bet Palin’s kids will have a blast participatin’ and officiatin’ at this event. Luckily socialist Alaskans have so much wealth to redistribute that they don’t mind spreadin’ some of it the governor’s way, affordin’ tickets for her spawn to accompany her everywhere. Cuz that’s what homeschoolin’ is all about.

  • gjdodger

    There will be starbursts at the Rising Star Breakfast! Cream with your coffee? Winks are extra!

  • gurukalehuru

    [re=173507]hedgehog[/re]:
    That was an awful long stretch for a pun, there, spiky dude. The fact that it manages to combine Charlie Crist, Virgil Goode and Tim Pawlenty in a log cabin lovefest makes it even more…repulsive.
    Congratulations.

  • queeraselvis v 2.0

    Oh yay. Bill Kristol’s plenary session is a late-morning affair. Plenty of time to get juiced up on that bitter Cuban coffee, served extra strong and extra black, the way Billy boy likes it.

  • Hooray For Anything

    You forgot these meetings–

    -How to perform excorcisms using witch doctors
    -What part of your state is Real America and which one isn’t
    -Natural Disasters- are they really worth doing anything about?
    -How to take money from the RNC to supplement your wardrobe.
    -Elitists- who are they and why do they want to turn the US into a socialist state
    -Why it’s okay to rail about big government and spending while raking in tons of federal money and/or oil money

  • Merry Christen

    [re=173507]hedgehog[/re]: hahaha! I think I just peed a little.
    [re=173555]IslandGirlFL[/re]: I think all us Floriduh girlz can say the same thing.

  • Joe the Truck Nutz

    Crist looks like he’s ready to get under center in that picture if you know what I mean.

    And if you don’t, I mean it looks like he’s prepared to play quarterback on some sort of football squad. A football squad that has all sorts of crazy gay butt secks.

  • jagorev

    Miami parents, lock up your little boys and girls, because the Republican Governors are in town!

  • AngryBlakGuy

    …I’m seriously pissed at you JIM NEWELL, if you brought this up earlier my blak-ass would be over there right now trying to get someone to solicit some bathroom sex RIGHT MOTHERFUKKING NOW!!!

  • rocktonsammy

    This will be a great opportunity to highlight future Senator Bristol Palin-Johnston.

  • Wee Mousie

    Blue Water Rafting to take over Cuba and make it the 51st Red state.

  • Platypus

    Can’t believe those ne’er do wells are going to be cavorting in my old stomping grounds. Could of tapped that Alaskan-GILF ass a plenty in some alley off Hispaniola Way before leaving her to the tender mercies of some derelict with a shopping cart full of nick-knacks. Ahhhhh, memories . . . .

  • Platypus

    [re=173507]hedgehog[/re]: BTW, great avatar!

    Goode and Pawlenty . . . LOL! I’m so simple.

  • MrsNateSilver

    Mean Jim said: “he can take her upstairs and exorcise the Retard Demons from her soul”

    This is why ppl hate. I’m naffy about it fo’ sure. Vomit on the line over going. The rest of this is goddamn funny though.

  • smellyal8r

    It’s all very la-de-dah isn’t it? The Delano. My, how chick and deboner can you get. I wonder if Rick Perry will be there in white cowboy boots, white cowboy hat and white backless chaps. So what part of “Real America” is Miami in? Now, it’s one thing if they get on a raft and head off to “liberate” Cuba, quite another for a GOP circle jerk… Maybe Dr. Kristol can hump Mooselini’s leg…

  • bago

    [re=173699]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: Don’t you mean fatherfucking now?

  • Bearbloke

    [re=173503]War Eagle[/re]: Hey man, let’s leave Butch Otter out of this… he quit that Cabana-boy job a long time ago…

  • Gingah

    Y’all didn’t see that Charlie’s plane had to make an emergency landing en route to Miami? http://ap.google.com/article/ALeqM5i253uw4rvFPEwjb5Ti1bhEPCim7QD94CV50G0 I mean, dang, even her plane goes down…

  • wilmawonker

    just because there’s an embargo doesn’t mean you can’t take them out for cuban food for cripes sake.

  • bonsai pajamas

    The aborted fetus display will be a tear-jerker.

  • bonsai pajamas

    Bobby Jindal’s testicles will certainly be flushed out by the end of this affair.

  • RobPetrified

    Will Sarah Palins head explode when she enters a home once occupied by godless gay homosexuals?
    If that visit to the Versace house won’t do it, then keynote speaker Mark Foleys address is sure to at least burst a vessel.
    At least we can hope so.

  • williambanzai7

    Sarah Palin, the leader of the New Republican Party!!!

  • Diahni

    Wonkiedoodle,
    I wanna know more about the press conference! Also, you failed to mention the special workshop on Palinese. Yodish she speaks. Yoda she is not.

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