Starting tomorrow, a bunch of leaders from the loser party will meet in the spicy gay Mexican outpost of Miami, Florida, for the most important event of the year: the Republican Governors Association’s 2008 Annual Conference (.PDF). Yay! They will supposedly discuss the future of the party, but since there is no future, it will just be five or ten potential 2012 candidates (including one S. Palin!) forging alliances to determine which will lose to Ralph Nader in four years. But! There are many delightful events on the conference schedule, so let’s see what the cool kids will be doing.

Tomorrow’s “Late Night” special will be held at a Communist club! Charlie Crist will provide the long, hard stogies, and by long, hard stogies we mean… cigars. You know, the cigars Charlie Crist will offer to his Republican guests.

After a few drinks, an unawares Sarah Palin will slip a mickey into Charlie Crist’s Sex on the Beach (“I like the orange coloring that he has as his skin!”), Charlie Crist will slip one into Bobby Jindal’s (“I’ve gotta have at least one Indian Mexican before I die”), and Bobby Jindal will slip one into Sarah Palin’s so he can take her upstairs and exorcise the Retard Demons from her soul. So basically all three will be thrown in the trash can by a Cuban janitor when they’re found passed out in the unisex bathroom at 7 a.m.

Ah, the next day brings an afternoon of elitism “real American stuff.” Things will get awkward during the stroll through Gianni Versace’s estate, when Sarah Palin starts screaming at the house to give her new clothes.

More Late Night fun, this time at a Socialist “FDR” club! Same love triangle scenario as the night before, except with Mark Sanford, Haley Barbour and Tim Pawlenty in the cast.

And the next morning they have to leave, so sad. But what kind of host would Charlie Crist be if he dismissed his guests on an empty stomach? “Ain’t nobody gettin’ out of here without eatin’ a plateful of fried dicks,” Charlie will say.

[RGA Conference Schedule .PDF]

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  1. I think a “BUTCH OTTER” (their caps) is illegal in Florida.

    Dr. Bennett will cheat at 3-card monte, hiding beans under his Book-o-Virtues.

    Rising Stars of the Republican Party Breakfast? Sounds like a cereal.

  2. Choo-Choo Charlie was a cartoon character featured in Good & Plenty television advertisements in the ’60s, a juvenile train conductor who used Good & Plenty candy to make his train run.

    Maybe Choo-Choo Charlie Crist can slip a mickey into the drinks of Rep. Virgil Goode (R-VA) and Gov. Tim Pawlenty (R-MN) — he could “make his train run” with Goode & Pawlenty!

  3. They scheduled the Third Annual Jeff Gannon Pillowfight/Ticklefest for the same time as the new episode of Gossip Girl? Someone is getting fucking FIRED!

  4. You guys keep stalking about fried dicks as though they aren’t a true delicacy. I don’t know why. Some of the best finger food I have ever had, anyway.

  5. I figure after they have reviewed the prospects for the party, the heavy drinking will begin. That’s the time for the NRA surprise gift: Glocks for everyone! Ammo too!

  6. I seriously can’t get enough of this picture. Our gubner strongly resembles my HS boyfriend in this pic, particuarly the ‘stache. HEY! He looks like my HS BF WHO LATER CAME OUT! Bill? Is that you?

  7. I bet Palin’s kids will have a blast participatin’ and officiatin’ at this event. Luckily socialist Alaskans have so much wealth to redistribute that they don’t mind spreadin’ some of it the governor’s way, affordin’ tickets for her spawn to accompany her everywhere. Cuz that’s what homeschoolin’ is all about.

  8. [re=173507]hedgehog[/re]:
    That was an awful long stretch for a pun, there, spiky dude. The fact that it manages to combine Charlie Crist, Virgil Goode and Tim Pawlenty in a log cabin lovefest makes it even more…repulsive.

  9. Oh yay. Bill Kristol’s plenary session is a late-morning affair. Plenty of time to get juiced up on that bitter Cuban coffee, served extra strong and extra black, the way Billy boy likes it.

  10. You forgot these meetings–

    -How to perform excorcisms using witch doctors
    -What part of your state is Real America and which one isn’t
    -Natural Disasters- are they really worth doing anything about?
    -How to take money from the RNC to supplement your wardrobe.
    -Elitists- who are they and why do they want to turn the US into a socialist state
    -Why it’s okay to rail about big government and spending while raking in tons of federal money and/or oil money

  11. [re=173507]hedgehog[/re]: hahaha! I think I just peed a little.
    [re=173555]IslandGirlFL[/re]: I think all us Floriduh girlz can say the same thing.

  12. Crist looks like he’s ready to get under center in that picture if you know what I mean.

    And if you don’t, I mean it looks like he’s prepared to play quarterback on some sort of football squad. A football squad that has all sorts of crazy gay butt secks.

  13. …I’m seriously pissed at you JIM NEWELL, if you brought this up earlier my blak-ass would be over there right now trying to get someone to solicit some bathroom sex RIGHT MOTHERFUKKING NOW!!!

  14. Can’t believe those ne’er do wells are going to be cavorting in my old stomping grounds. Could of tapped that Alaskan-GILF ass a plenty in some alley off Hispaniola Way before leaving her to the tender mercies of some derelict with a shopping cart full of nick-knacks. Ahhhhh, memories . . . .

  15. Mean Jim said: “he can take her upstairs and exorcise the Retard Demons from her soul”

    This is why ppl hate. I’m naffy about it fo’ sure. Vomit on the line over going. The rest of this is goddamn funny though.

  16. It’s all very la-de-dah isn’t it? The Delano. My, how chick and deboner can you get. I wonder if Rick Perry will be there in white cowboy boots, white cowboy hat and white backless chaps. So what part of “Real America” is Miami in? Now, it’s one thing if they get on a raft and head off to “liberate” Cuba, quite another for a GOP circle jerk… Maybe Dr. Kristol can hump Mooselini’s leg…

  17. Will Sarah Palins head explode when she enters a home once occupied by godless gay homosexuals?
    If that visit to the Versace house won’t do it, then keynote speaker Mark Foleys address is sure to at least burst a vessel.
    At least we can hope so.

  18. Wonkiedoodle,
    I wanna know more about the press conference! Also, you failed to mention the special workshop on Palinese. Yodish she speaks. Yoda she is not.

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