REQUIRED READING  1:19 pm November 11, 2008

Laura Bush Is Shoppin’ Her Memoirs

by Sara K. Smith

All you people have already read American Wife, right? If you did, you already know the “secret ending” to Laura Bush’s memoirs, which involves a Venezuelan sex orgy and nuclear war. But for those fans who can’t get enough of the First Lady, she will pen an Official Account of her life. The tentative title is Why Nice Librarians Should Not Marry Ignorant Clowns.

Mrs. Bush has been talking to publishers who are bidding on her memoirs. Industry insiders speculate that she will get way more for her book than her husband will for his, due to the fact that nobody ever wants to hear from that awful douchebag ever again.

Plus, Laura Bush is a practiced hand at book-writing, having co-written a children’s book with her daughter Jenna, the drunk one. The book is a secret parable about George W. Bush; in the story, a lazy young man gets AIDS and is eaten by a caterpillar.

Laura Bush to publish memoirs before President George W Bush [Telegraph]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 37 comments }

NewSpence November 11, 2008 at 1:21 pm

On January 20th, all I want is a single tear. One single tear, rolling down that frozen rictus face.

FreshCliches November 11, 2008 at 1:22 pm

What, no Oreo alt-text? No alt-text at all?

V572625694 November 11, 2008 at 1:24 pm

Whaddya mean, “you people”?

queeraselvis v 2.0 November 11, 2008 at 1:25 pm

The only reason why Laura is publishing first is because George is still fighting the plagiarism lawsuit filed on him by the authors of “Chumpy the Chimp.”

dano November 11, 2008 at 1:26 pm

Guess what, January 20th is my birthday.

Vanity Smurf November 11, 2008 at 1:26 pm

The epigraph she will quote at the beginning will be from Lady Bird Johnson: “A miasma of doom hangs over everything.”

MameDennis November 11, 2008 at 1:27 pm

[re=173202]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: How about “Remarkably Incurious George”?

grendel November 11, 2008 at 1:28 pm

The drunk one? Is that like “the white one”? How does that distinguish them?

queeraselvis v 2.0 November 11, 2008 at 1:30 pm

@Sara K. Smith: Also, don’t be hating on Jenna’s literary chops. After all, she authored that catchy t-shirt slogan, “A black dude presided over my wedding, and all I got in return was this lousy goddamned dashiki.”

BigBrainOnBrad November 11, 2008 at 1:31 pm

[re=173203]dano[/re]: In a very real way January 20th is everyone’s birthday.

NoWireHangers November 11, 2008 at 1:31 pm

Few people realize how hard it is to hold a tight, prim smile.

skyinator November 11, 2008 at 1:33 pm

I don’t want to read any books by anyone related to anything these freaks did for the last eight years. I want to forget (never forget) it all. I would, however, like to be refunded for the prescription medications I had to consume during W’s reign of terror. Thank you.

CivicHoliday November 11, 2008 at 1:33 pm

Poor Laura. How much Xanax has she had to take over the last eight years so as not to drown herself in the bathtub? My face would look like that too if I’d had to play good wife to Chimpy so long.

SayItWithWookies November 11, 2008 at 1:33 pm

[re=173203]dano[/re]: January 20th is everybody’s birthday next year.

Speaking of books, I’m reading Woodward’s The War Within right now, and one of the awful portents of doom is that Bush feels obligated to take Maliki under his wing and show him the finer points of leadership. Apparently nobody convinced him that was a bad idea.

Back on topic — potential title for Laura’s memoir: I Killed My Ex-Boyfriend for This?

The Pumpernickel November 11, 2008 at 1:34 pm

Ummmm…I’m not sure I’m going to be buying that book. Not to say anything bad about Laura, I’m just ready end this chapter of American life and close the book on Bush. Pun intended.

http://plightofthepumpernickel.blogspot.com

Serolf Divad November 11, 2008 at 1:34 pm

Will this be a typical Republican book? And by that I mean will it feature 16 year old lesbian sisters being raped by an asian bear in a cage?

Larry Fine November 11, 2008 at 1:34 pm

Another title suggested for the forth-coming book, “Prescription tranqualizers for Dummies”, or “The Xanax-Ambien connection.

Larry Fine November 11, 2008 at 1:36 pm

A big seller would be a Jeff Gannon memoir, to hell with Laura Bush.

shanemcgowan November 11, 2008 at 1:36 pm

George promises to read it as soon as he finishes “My Pet Goat.”

ManchuCandidate November 11, 2008 at 1:50 pm

Laura’s Autobiography Title. May I suggest the following?

Comfortably Numb: The Laura Bush Story

yellowbug November 11, 2008 at 1:53 pm

I heard recently from a luncheon thing with a panel of DC journalists that people who know her generally think Laura is awesome and the only reason they can imagine for why such a nice lady would marry such an ass clown is that the options were extremely limited in Midland, Texas. That’s the best explanation I’ve heard.

SayItWithWookies November 11, 2008 at 1:56 pm

[re=173208]BigBrainOnBrad[/re]: Aargh.

DustBowlBlues November 11, 2008 at 1:56 pm

I’ll have to be trolling the used bookstore carefully, after all the “what it was like to work for a fucking retard and/or scary old man” memoirs come out. I wouldn’t want these creeps to actually get a penny in royalties from me, but I do think that the race to see which insider craps on the Bush Admin first will be warp speed.

BTW–Whose book would you like to read? Or will they actually be pretty censored, given the fact the authors would probably be picked up on felony charges (by the honest-to-goodness Attorney General with which Hopey will gift the nation) if most of this shit is made public.

That said, Ari Fleischer’s (sp?) might be pretty fun. Then again, Lyn Cheney’s will feature lesbian sex, which will appeal to a lot of men. Jeff Gannon, by all means.

Would it not be fun if the other 95% of Shep Smith’s soul returned (as opposed to the rest of the crew, who have lost 100% of their’s) and he wrote a tell-all about Fox and Bush?

Gee, the possibilities are endless. Maybe we should start putting out proposals to ghost-write this shit. Put our wonkette.com pundit skills to good use.

tonehedge November 11, 2008 at 1:59 pm

COVER: Picture of her twat (George)

Prologue: Is It All Over Yet?

Chapter 1: Where We Dumped All The Dem’s Ballots In Florida….

Chapter 2: Cheney & Rumsfeld’s weekly reinacment of 2 Girls 1 Cup…

Chapter 3: AHH FUCK IT YOU ALL KNOW WHAT HAPPENED!!!!!!!!!

Miller November 11, 2008 at 2:00 pm

How many times can you write “…and then I shuddered and pretended he didn’t just say anything. Sweet sweet bourbon would be my release from his constant malapropisms and moronic observations.” and make it interesting?

http://thesebastards.blogspot.com/

choinski November 11, 2008 at 2:04 pm

Hows this for a title: “My Pet Gloat”

BigDupa November 11, 2008 at 2:11 pm

“Then Again, Maybe I Shouldn’t Have– How I Longed for Marvin and Settled for George– Brotherly Love and Group Sex with the Bushes” projected Oprah Book Club selection

Hooray For Anything November 11, 2008 at 2:42 pm

I’m hoping for some sort of revelation about a Showgirls style cat fight between her and Condi over W.

Megapteronica November 11, 2008 at 3:06 pm

That is one helluva Blingee photo…my head is spinning…

Jobbotch November 11, 2008 at 3:11 pm

Incidentally, I saw Zack & Miri Make a Porno and W. in a single day, which resulted in an interesting Elizabeth Banks dream.

Lazy Media November 11, 2008 at 4:02 pm

Hey, where’s my copy of American Wife? I was one of the Best First Lady contest winners, but nobody from the publisher ever contacted me. I need that book; I don’t want to have to resort to lighter fluid when I fire up the grill, dangit.

Schadenfried November 11, 2008 at 4:06 pm

[re=173208]BigBrainOnBrad[/re]: January 20th is the 2nd Christmas that came(literaly and figurately) early this year.

Rusty Shackleford November 11, 2008 at 6:01 pm

Win for SKS! Best … tentative title … evah!

RobPetrified November 11, 2008 at 7:19 pm

I’m waiting for Doug Wanzie to pen a modern version on the Music Man starring Himself in drag as Lara Bush.
‘Madam Librarian’
“What can I do, my dear, to catch your ear
I love you madly, madly Madam Librarian…Marian
Heaven help us if the library caught on fire
And the Volunteer Hose Brigademen
Had to whisper the news to Marian…Madam Librarian!
What can I say, my dear, to make it clear
I need you badly, badly, Madam Librarian…Marian
If I stumbled and I busted my what-you-may-call-it
I could lie on your floor
‘Till my body had turned to carrion….Madam Librarian”

Carrion/librarian; they just don’t write em like that anymore.b

glamourdammerung November 12, 2008 at 1:09 am

[re=173215]Serolf Divad[/re]: Condi and Laura are hardly 16 and George is hardly a bear.

JDHART November 12, 2008 at 8:52 am

Catchy title on that book but I still won’t buy the book. It might have George W. in it.

lawrenceofthedesert November 12, 2008 at 2:08 pm

I had no idea that Laura had been a contestant on “The Dating Game.”

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