Laura Bush Is Shoppin’ Her Memoirs

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All you people have already read American Wife, right? If you did, you already know the “secret ending” to Laura Bush’s memoirs, which involves a Venezuelan sex orgy and nuclear war. But for those fans who can’t get enough of the First Lady, she will pen an Official Account of her life. The tentative title is Why Nice Librarians Should Not Marry Ignorant Clowns.

Mrs. Bush has been talking to publishers who are bidding on her memoirs. Industry insiders speculate that she will get way more for her book than her husband will for his, due to the fact that nobody ever wants to hear from that awful douchebag ever again.

Plus, Laura Bush is a practiced hand at book-writing, having co-written a children’s book with her daughter Jenna, the drunk one. The book is a secret parable about George W. Bush; in the story, a lazy young man gets AIDS and is eaten by a caterpillar.

Laura Bush to publish memoirs before President George W Bush [Telegraph]

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Sara K. Smith was Wonkette's morning editor from 2008 to 2010, and now contributes a weekly (?!) column to Wonkette, to prove she still loves you all!

View all articles by Sara K. Smith

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37 comments

  1. NewSpence

    On January 20th, all I want is a single tear. One single tear, rolling down that frozen rictus face.

  2. queeraselvis v 2.0

    The only reason why Laura is publishing first is because George is still fighting the plagiarism lawsuit filed on him by the authors of “Chumpy the Chimp.”

  3. Vanity Smurf

    The epigraph she will quote at the beginning will be from Lady Bird Johnson: “A miasma of doom hangs over everything.”

  4. queeraselvis v 2.0

    @Sara K. Smith: Also, don’t be hating on Jenna’s literary chops. After all, she authored that catchy t-shirt slogan, “A black dude presided over my wedding, and all I got in return was this lousy goddamned dashiki.”

  5. skyinator

    I don’t want to read any books by anyone related to anything these freaks did for the last eight years. I want to forget (never forget) it all. I would, however, like to be refunded for the prescription medications I had to consume during W’s reign of terror. Thank you.

  6. CivicHoliday

    Poor Laura. How much Xanax has she had to take over the last eight years so as not to drown herself in the bathtub? My face would look like that too if I’d had to play good wife to Chimpy so long.

  7. SayItWithWookies

    [re=173203]dano[/re]: January 20th is everybody’s birthday next year.

    Speaking of books, I’m reading Woodward’s The War Within right now, and one of the awful portents of doom is that Bush feels obligated to take Maliki under his wing and show him the finer points of leadership. Apparently nobody convinced him that was a bad idea.

    Back on topic — potential title for Laura’s memoir: I Killed My Ex-Boyfriend for This?

  8. Serolf Divad

    Will this be a typical Republican book? And by that I mean will it feature 16 year old lesbian sisters being raped by an asian bear in a cage?

  9. Larry Fine

    Another title suggested for the forth-coming book, “Prescription tranqualizers for Dummies”, or “The Xanax-Ambien connection.

  10. ManchuCandidate

    Laura’s Autobiography Title. May I suggest the following?

    Comfortably Numb: The Laura Bush Story

  11. yellowbug

    I heard recently from a luncheon thing with a panel of DC journalists that people who know her generally think Laura is awesome and the only reason they can imagine for why such a nice lady would marry such an ass clown is that the options were extremely limited in Midland, Texas. That’s the best explanation I’ve heard.

  12. DustBowlBlues

    I’ll have to be trolling the used bookstore carefully, after all the “what it was like to work for a fucking retard and/or scary old man” memoirs come out. I wouldn’t want these creeps to actually get a penny in royalties from me, but I do think that the race to see which insider craps on the Bush Admin first will be warp speed.

    BTW–Whose book would you like to read? Or will they actually be pretty censored, given the fact the authors would probably be picked up on felony charges (by the honest-to-goodness Attorney General with which Hopey will gift the nation) if most of this shit is made public.

    That said, Ari Fleischer’s (sp?) might be pretty fun. Then again, Lyn Cheney’s will feature lesbian sex, which will appeal to a lot of men. Jeff Gannon, by all means.

    Would it not be fun if the other 95% of Shep Smith’s soul returned (as opposed to the rest of the crew, who have lost 100% of their’s) and he wrote a tell-all about Fox and Bush?

    Gee, the possibilities are endless. Maybe we should start putting out proposals to ghost-write this shit. Put our wonkette.com pundit skills to good use.

  13. tonehedge

    COVER: Picture of her twat (George)

    Prologue: Is It All Over Yet?

    Chapter 1: Where We Dumped All The Dem’s Ballots In Florida….

    Chapter 2: Cheney & Rumsfeld’s weekly reinacment of 2 Girls 1 Cup…

    Chapter 3: AHH FUCK IT YOU ALL KNOW WHAT HAPPENED!!!!!!!!!

  14. BigDupa

    “Then Again, Maybe I Shouldn’t Have– How I Longed for Marvin and Settled for George– Brotherly Love and Group Sex with the Bushes” projected Oprah Book Club selection

  15. Hooray For Anything

    I’m hoping for some sort of revelation about a Showgirls style cat fight between her and Condi over W.

  16. Jobbotch

    Incidentally, I saw Zack & Miri Make a Porno and W. in a single day, which resulted in an interesting Elizabeth Banks dream.

  17. Lazy Media

    Hey, where’s my copy of American Wife? I was one of the Best First Lady contest winners, but nobody from the publisher ever contacted me. I need that book; I don’t want to have to resort to lighter fluid when I fire up the grill, dangit.

  18. Schadenfried

    [re=173208]BigBrainOnBrad[/re]: January 20th is the 2nd Christmas that came(literaly and figurately) early this year.

  19. RobPetrified

    I’m waiting for Doug Wanzie to pen a modern version on the Music Man starring Himself in drag as Lara Bush.
    ‘Madam Librarian’
    “What can I do, my dear, to catch your ear
    I love you madly, madly Madam Librarian…Marian
    Heaven help us if the library caught on fire
    And the Volunteer Hose Brigademen
    Had to whisper the news to Marian…Madam Librarian!
    What can I say, my dear, to make it clear
    I need you badly, badly, Madam Librarian…Marian
    If I stumbled and I busted my what-you-may-call-it
    I could lie on your floor
    ‘Till my body had turned to carrion….Madam Librarian”

    Carrion/librarian; they just don’t write em like that anymore.b

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