required reading

Laura Bush Is Shoppin’ Her Memoirs

Add to Flipboard Magazine.

All you people have already read American Wife, right? If you did, you already know the “secret ending” to Laura Bush’s memoirs, which involves a Venezuelan sex orgy and nuclear war. But for those fans who can’t get enough of the First Lady, she will pen an Official Account of her life. The tentative title is Why Nice Librarians Should Not Marry Ignorant Clowns.

Mrs. Bush has been talking to publishers who are bidding on her memoirs. Industry insiders speculate that she will get way more for her book than her husband will for his, due to the fact that nobody ever wants to hear from that awful douchebag ever again.

Plus, Laura Bush is a practiced hand at book-writing, having co-written a children’s book with her daughter Jenna, the drunk one. The book is a secret parable about George W. Bush; in the story, a lazy young man gets AIDS and is eaten by a caterpillar.

Laura Bush to publish memoirs before President George W Bush [Telegraph]

About the author

Sara K. Smith was Wonkette's morning editor from 2008 to 2010, and now contributes a weekly (?!) column to Wonkette, to prove she still loves you all!

View all articles by Sara K. Smith


Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • NewSpence

    On January 20th, all I want is a single tear. One single tear, rolling down that frozen rictus face.

  • FreshCliches

    What, no Oreo alt-text? No alt-text at all?

  • V572625694

    Whaddya mean, “you people”?

  • queeraselvis v 2.0

    The only reason why Laura is publishing first is because George is still fighting the plagiarism lawsuit filed on him by the authors of “Chumpy the Chimp.”

  • dano

    Guess what, January 20th is my birthday.

  • Vanity Smurf

    The epigraph she will quote at the beginning will be from Lady Bird Johnson: “A miasma of doom hangs over everything.”

  • MameDennis

    [re=173202]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: How about “Remarkably Incurious George”?

  • grendel

    The drunk one? Is that like “the white one”? How does that distinguish them?

  • queeraselvis v 2.0

    @Sara K. Smith: Also, don’t be hating on Jenna’s literary chops. After all, she authored that catchy t-shirt slogan, “A black dude presided over my wedding, and all I got in return was this lousy goddamned dashiki.”

  • BigBrainOnBrad

    [re=173203]dano[/re]: In a very real way January 20th is everyone’s birthday.

  • NoWireHangers

    Few people realize how hard it is to hold a tight, prim smile.

  • skyinator

    I don’t want to read any books by anyone related to anything these freaks did for the last eight years. I want to forget (never forget) it all. I would, however, like to be refunded for the prescription medications I had to consume during W’s reign of terror. Thank you.

  • CivicHoliday

    Poor Laura. How much Xanax has she had to take over the last eight years so as not to drown herself in the bathtub? My face would look like that too if I’d had to play good wife to Chimpy so long.

  • SayItWithWookies

    [re=173203]dano[/re]: January 20th is everybody’s birthday next year.

    Speaking of books, I’m reading Woodward’s The War Within right now, and one of the awful portents of doom is that Bush feels obligated to take Maliki under his wing and show him the finer points of leadership. Apparently nobody convinced him that was a bad idea.

    Back on topic — potential title for Laura’s memoir: I Killed My Ex-Boyfriend for This?

  • The Pumpernickel

    Ummmm…I’m not sure I’m going to be buying that book. Not to say anything bad about Laura, I’m just ready end this chapter of American life and close the book on Bush. Pun intended.

  • Serolf Divad

    Will this be a typical Republican book? And by that I mean will it feature 16 year old lesbian sisters being raped by an asian bear in a cage?

  • Larry Fine

    Another title suggested for the forth-coming book, “Prescription tranqualizers for Dummies”, or “The Xanax-Ambien connection.

  • Larry Fine

    A big seller would be a Jeff Gannon memoir, to hell with Laura Bush.

  • shanemcgowan

    George promises to read it as soon as he finishes “My Pet Goat.”

  • ManchuCandidate

    Laura’s Autobiography Title. May I suggest the following?

    Comfortably Numb: The Laura Bush Story

  • yellowbug

    I heard recently from a luncheon thing with a panel of DC journalists that people who know her generally think Laura is awesome and the only reason they can imagine for why such a nice lady would marry such an ass clown is that the options were extremely limited in Midland, Texas. That’s the best explanation I’ve heard.

  • SayItWithWookies

    [re=173208]BigBrainOnBrad[/re]: Aargh.

  • DustBowlBlues

    I’ll have to be trolling the used bookstore carefully, after all the “what it was like to work for a fucking retard and/or scary old man” memoirs come out. I wouldn’t want these creeps to actually get a penny in royalties from me, but I do think that the race to see which insider craps on the Bush Admin first will be warp speed.

    BTW–Whose book would you like to read? Or will they actually be pretty censored, given the fact the authors would probably be picked up on felony charges (by the honest-to-goodness Attorney General with which Hopey will gift the nation) if most of this shit is made public.

    That said, Ari Fleischer’s (sp?) might be pretty fun. Then again, Lyn Cheney’s will feature lesbian sex, which will appeal to a lot of men. Jeff Gannon, by all means.

    Would it not be fun if the other 95% of Shep Smith’s soul returned (as opposed to the rest of the crew, who have lost 100% of their’s) and he wrote a tell-all about Fox and Bush?

    Gee, the possibilities are endless. Maybe we should start putting out proposals to ghost-write this shit. Put our pundit skills to good use.

  • tonehedge

    COVER: Picture of her twat (George)

    Prologue: Is It All Over Yet?

    Chapter 1: Where We Dumped All The Dem’s Ballots In Florida….

    Chapter 2: Cheney & Rumsfeld’s weekly reinacment of 2 Girls 1 Cup…


  • Miller

    How many times can you write “…and then I shuddered and pretended he didn’t just say anything. Sweet sweet bourbon would be my release from his constant malapropisms and moronic observations.” and make it interesting?

  • choinski

    Hows this for a title: “My Pet Gloat”

  • BigDupa

    “Then Again, Maybe I Shouldn’t Have– How I Longed for Marvin and Settled for George– Brotherly Love and Group Sex with the Bushes” projected Oprah Book Club selection

  • Hooray For Anything

    I’m hoping for some sort of revelation about a Showgirls style cat fight between her and Condi over W.

  • Megapteronica

    That is one helluva Blingee photo…my head is spinning…

  • Jobbotch

    Incidentally, I saw Zack & Miri Make a Porno and W. in a single day, which resulted in an interesting Elizabeth Banks dream.

  • Lazy Media

    Hey, where’s my copy of American Wife? I was one of the Best First Lady contest winners, but nobody from the publisher ever contacted me. I need that book; I don’t want to have to resort to lighter fluid when I fire up the grill, dangit.

  • Schadenfried

    [re=173208]BigBrainOnBrad[/re]: January 20th is the 2nd Christmas that came(literaly and figurately) early this year.

  • Rusty Shackleford

    Win for SKS! Best … tentative title … evah!

  • RobPetrified

    I’m waiting for Doug Wanzie to pen a modern version on the Music Man starring Himself in drag as Lara Bush.
    ‘Madam Librarian’
    “What can I do, my dear, to catch your ear
    I love you madly, madly Madam Librarian…Marian
    Heaven help us if the library caught on fire
    And the Volunteer Hose Brigademen
    Had to whisper the news to Marian…Madam Librarian!
    What can I say, my dear, to make it clear
    I need you badly, badly, Madam Librarian…Marian
    If I stumbled and I busted my what-you-may-call-it
    I could lie on your floor
    ‘Till my body had turned to carrion….Madam Librarian”

    Carrion/librarian; they just don’t write em like that anymore.b

  • glamourdammerung

    [re=173215]Serolf Divad[/re]: Condi and Laura are hardly 16 and George is hardly a bear.


    Catchy title on that book but I still won’t buy the book. It might have George W. in it.

  • lawrenceofthedesert

    I had no idea that Laura had been a contestant on “The Dating Game.”