NATION OF TOXIC BOILS  5:43 pm November 10, 2008

New Map Proves America Is Spongy Tumor

by Sara K. Smith

We are the grossest nation ever.Ewww, observe this gross map! This eye-searing cross between a ribeye steak and a six-week fetus is supposed to illustrate something important about voting patterns by representing the size of a state according to population rather than acreage. This frees sad coastal Democrats from the “tyranny of geography” and puts uppity Wyoming Republicans in their place (i.e. nowhere).

But the REAL secret here is that the United States is clearly not a country at all, but rather a mass of poisonous tissue with the consistency of a half-cooked egg souffle. If you cut it open, you will find hair and teeth in it. TRUE FACT.

Maps of the 2008 US presidential election results [Mark Newman via Andrew Sullivan]

Related video

Hola wonkerados.

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NoWireHangers November 10, 2008 at 5:49 pm

I see a butterfly, Sarah. A beautiful purple butterfly with wings of Hope.

Yaybuls November 10, 2008 at 5:49 pm

Created with a hard-nosed attention to detail with this…

VoxPopuli November 10, 2008 at 5:51 pm

Ugh – it looks like a warped Shrinky Dink.

facehead November 10, 2008 at 5:51 pm

I see a butterfly being raped by a jellyfish.

wheelie November 10, 2008 at 5:51 pm

I see an eagle, a blue eagle, and it’s just hit the windscreen.

hobgoblin of little minds November 10, 2008 at 5:51 pm

I kind of think it looks like a hope phoenix rising from the bitter flaming turd of a country the right-wing retards left us with.

teebob2000 November 10, 2008 at 5:52 pm

Eeewww. I left that in a Kleenex this morning…

vintageways November 10, 2008 at 5:52 pm

It kinda looks like that planet in the movie Soloris (the good one).

hedgehog November 10, 2008 at 5:54 pm

I see a butterfly, Sarah. A beautiful purple butterfly with an enormous penis.

Kwame' November 10, 2008 at 5:54 pm

It totes reminds me to pick up tampons on the way home from work.

wonk_the_heck November 10, 2008 at 5:55 pm

Florida is a total penis.

Kev-O-Tron November 10, 2008 at 5:55 pm

[re=172489]teebob2000[/re]: rusty pipes?

jagorev November 10, 2008 at 5:56 pm

I see two peacocks f*cking missionary style

MedianHater November 10, 2008 at 5:57 pm

Google image “teratoma” and take a look around. Not a bad way to round out a Monday.

DustBowlBlues November 10, 2008 at 6:00 pm

I think it looks like a finger painting done by a charming tot in a Christian school, when asked to share their memories about the pics at the last anti-choice rally they attended with Mommy and Daddy.You know, the darling snaps of fetuses.

Kev-O-Tron November 10, 2008 at 6:04 pm

[re=172505]MedianHater[/re]: Fuck me… why did I listen to your advice? That’s fucking gross. But at least now I know what to call that massive mound of flesh under my chin…

PeteJayhawk v2.0 November 10, 2008 at 6:08 pm

I see tits.

azw88 November 10, 2008 at 6:13 pm

This is your election.

This is your election on Acid. Any questions?

magic titty November 10, 2008 at 6:15 pm

I see Spiderman’s farts.

AJO November 10, 2008 at 6:15 pm

Hmm…Cape Cod is exactly the same size and shape. What does that mean?

WadISay November 10, 2008 at 6:16 pm

This looks like a groin to me, but then most things do.

Polly Sigh-Entist November 10, 2008 at 6:18 pm

Thanks Sara, I almost forgot about teratomas but you had to remind me…(ick!)

mattbolt November 10, 2008 at 6:19 pm

Put it back on the grill, there’s still red bits on the inside

mattbolt November 10, 2008 at 6:20 pm

New England = Head of a snarling dog.
Florida = One of those Jackrabbit sex toys.
Both are apt metaphors.

Guppy06 November 10, 2008 at 6:24 pm

So… where’s states 49 and 50? Don’t make Governor Sarah hunt you down by airplane, gosh darn it!

slick7 November 10, 2008 at 6:25 pm

All the beautiful places where my friends and family live are in blue, and all of the places that I’m forced to go to for business are in red.

tiny mexican November 10, 2008 at 6:25 pm


“teratomas have been reported to contain hair, teeth, bone and very rarely more complex organs such as eyeball, torso, and hand.”

ugh. Nate Silver doesn’t make me think about gross nightmare abortion tumors.

problemwithcaring November 10, 2008 at 6:32 pm

ZOMG, are we still talking about voting maps? ‘Specially when there is a new installment of
Palin’s Petticoat Junction?

Palin’s father, Chuck Heath, said his daughter spent the day Saturday trying to figure out what belongs to the RNC.

“She was just frantically … trying to sort stuff out,” Heath said. “That’s the problem, you know, the kids lose underwear, and everything has to be accounted for.

mattbolt November 10, 2008 at 6:34 pm

[re=172531]Guppy06[/re]: Well, by population Alaska is about 1/429th of the size of the mainland, and Hawaii is about 1/233rd of the size, so, imagine a tiny red clump and a blue clump that’s about twice as big

Boozeweek November 10, 2008 at 6:36 pm

Little-known fact:
Joe Lieberman’s secret service code name = “Teratoma”

The Station Manager November 10, 2008 at 6:39 pm

Florida is throbbing pretty god damn hard right now.

rocktonsammy November 10, 2008 at 6:40 pm

I see a need for more blue, especially in those red states.

Grant won.

Obama won,

Finally, bookends.

FreshCliches November 10, 2008 at 6:43 pm

Alt-text: The illegitimate child of Nate Silver and Jackson Pollock.

Dave J. November 10, 2008 at 6:43 pm

[re=172539]problemwithcaring[/re]: Any guesses on whether several $8,000 dresses from Saks are included in the “underwear” that the “kids” somehow “lost”??

chascates November 10, 2008 at 6:45 pm

This explains why I’ve been feeling bilious since last Tuesday.

Mull_Man November 10, 2008 at 6:50 pm

I like the way the Bay Area looks like the claws of an enormous dungeness crab. And that Texas looks like a pulmonary embolism.

messickc (ROLL TIDE!) November 10, 2008 at 6:52 pm

[re=172505]MedianHater[/re]: **sigh** I did, and now regret it. Babies puking up hair and arms is not my cup-o-tea.

Strappo November 10, 2008 at 6:56 pm

Slow fucking news day, eh?

I Am Not Your Gary Busey November 10, 2008 at 6:56 pm

[re=172523]AJO[/re]: That it’s exactly as important as it thinks it is? That’s a little unsettling.

blinky_twinkie November 10, 2008 at 6:59 pm

[re=172553]Mull_Man[/re]: I thought the in-the-tank-4-McCain spongy tumor map deliberately made the Bay Area look like a Satanic cloven hoof kicked high in an obviously gay-76-Trombones manner.

OffTheRecord November 10, 2008 at 7:02 pm

[re=172539]problemwithcaring[/re]: THANK GOD! I have been waiting all day for someone to bring this up. Perhaps if the children did not lose their underwear so much they would end up slightly less pregnant.

Cape Clod November 10, 2008 at 7:04 pm

[re=172548]FreshCliches[/re]: I tend to think it’s more along the lines of Willem de Kooning. (Sniff)

DangerousLiberal November 10, 2008 at 7:08 pm

[re=172542]Boozeweek[/re]: I thought that was Joe Lieberman’s name: he can be easily resected from the surrounding tissue/senate and, as Wikipedia notes, teratomas, like Joe Lieberman, don’t raise the same ethical issues as other research on stem cells, because teratomas/Joe Leiberman cannot become fully human.

satyricrash November 10, 2008 at 7:18 pm

The Montauk Monster!

wheelie November 10, 2008 at 7:41 pm

Aw man this is like too much coz that is totally the tie-dye I bought at this Grateful Dead tribute thing the other night which was amazing an’ I was like so tripped out like it started raining and I totally thought the rain was turning yellow so I opened my mouth and drank the yellow rain which was so cool cept I’m not feeling so well right now . . .

Rush November 10, 2008 at 7:56 pm

One pill makes you larger
And one pill makes you small
And the ones that mother gives you
Don’t do anything at all
Go ask Alice
When she’s ten feet tall

Please stay away from the brown acid Wonkateers.

J. Garcia

Servo November 10, 2008 at 8:00 pm

Hee-hee. Texas looks like a giant bruised scrotum.

shortsshortsshorts November 10, 2008 at 8:09 pm

The red lines suggest the locations where there isn’t a Starbucks lining every street.

bitchincamaro November 10, 2008 at 8:19 pm

I see dead people.

pourmecoffee November 10, 2008 at 8:22 pm

Weird. To me, this looks like the angry, disapproving face of my mother. Does anyone else see that?

CivicHoliday November 10, 2008 at 8:26 pm

Looks like one of the Angels from dogma, with only one leg. All the red is the blood spattered all over his body after it got blown off by Silent Jay with a machine gun.

qaf November 10, 2008 at 8:27 pm

[re=172589]pourmecoffee[/re]: Yeah, except I think it’s your mom, not mine. Spooky.

azw88 November 10, 2008 at 8:34 pm

[re=172539]problemwithcaring[/re]: I read that too, and thought WHAT THE FUCK???? The RNC bought undies for that Palin brats? And if she ‘never asked for a thing’ how the fuck did the RNC end up buying her kids underwear??? I mean if someone were handing me new undies for my kids when i hadn’t asked for them I’d run in the other direction!!

Of course, this is the Republican party so children missing underwear should not be too shocking.

ivenson November 10, 2008 at 8:37 pm

Bleeding archaeopteryx (sp?).


Keram2 November 10, 2008 at 8:40 pm

[re=172505]MedianHater[/re]: ARAPOFGPOHG! Fuck you for your ability to pique my curiosity. Fuck you!

Borat November 10, 2008 at 8:40 pm

I’ve been staring at this thing for hours but I can’t cross my eyes right to see the magic eye image. I think they got some fractal equation wrong, probably the one that starts with:
Walnuts age – (Moosilini’s IQ * probable number of Bristol’s Kids).

villageatrois November 10, 2008 at 8:40 pm

Somebody rubbed Preparation H on most of the “M” states — Montana, Minnesota, Michigan, Maine are all shrunken and shriveled. Must be the same red-stater who turned M’s upside down in the M&M packages.

wheelie November 10, 2008 at 8:41 pm

[re=172539]problemwithcaring[/re]: Sarah’s still struggling to get on top of all the briefs.

Arf, arf.

Borat November 10, 2008 at 8:44 pm

[re=172541]mattbolt[/re]: Ha, my failing eyesight or the number of joints I smoked made me think your comment read “tiny red DUMP” when referring to Alaska

Neilist November 10, 2008 at 8:47 pm

[re=172553]Mull_Man[/re]: There hasn’t been a dungeness crab in San Francisco Bay since about the early 1960s. The pollution killed them all off. The ones you get on Fisherman’s Wharf are flown in from Washington State or whatever.

Nowadays, if you want crabs, you have to hit one of the bars in the Castro . . . If You Know What I Mean And I Think You Do . . . .

heathenish November 10, 2008 at 8:59 pm

I saw the butterfly too!! or else a gross and disgusting alien life form. But I live in the blue dot in the red mass in the upper mid-northwest or something like that.

joe the bummer November 10, 2008 at 9:07 pm

It looks normal to me.

joe the bummer November 10, 2008 at 9:08 pm

I don’t see anything different here.

joe the bummer November 10, 2008 at 9:10 pm

Florida looks a little noodle-y, but that’s not different.

Numbat Dundee November 10, 2008 at 9:19 pm

Republicanism is a red infected mucus inhabitimg the nation’s remote sinuses. (With apologies to Douglas Adams) the election of Obama may now be known as the coming of the big black handkerchief.

loganmo November 10, 2008 at 9:26 pm

Aborted Barney the dinosauer?

Jukesgrrl November 10, 2008 at 9:39 pm

I think this proves once an for all: people don’t like being cold.

psychedelicSludge November 10, 2008 at 9:40 pm

whatever it is, IT BURNS! IT BURNS!

gjdodger November 10, 2008 at 9:53 pm

It looks like what John McCain hawked up, right after he went, “HENGGGH? HENNNNGGGGH?”

S.Luggo November 10, 2008 at 10:51 pm

1. “As The Eagle Soars”
2. The last robin I merrily ran over driving to work.
3. The vile, poisonous, lib gayosity infecting our country from Barry’s anti-Christ, anti-Walmart, Satanic worship, eat-more-fruit, socialist/Marxist, no-frontsees/no-backsees, Islamo, salt-is-bad, spread-whitey‘s-wealth free love hippie ashram or someplace like just it. Maybe, Jackson Hole.

Mull_Man November 10, 2008 at 11:03 pm

[re=172618]Neilist[/re]: Never said there was. Must be why I always buy them in HMB. I’m 5th gen. Californian – pre Gold Rush. So there thhhhhbbbb.

S.Luggo November 10, 2008 at 11:09 pm

[re=172634]joe the bummer[/re]: Feed your head.

glamourdammerung November 11, 2008 at 12:01 am

It looks like a bald eagle being assfucked by the state of Alaska.

Wee Mousie November 11, 2008 at 12:04 am

That’s what got caught in Cheney’s gullet when he tried to endorse McCain.

It’s even more disgusting when you know where its been.

the invisible woman November 11, 2008 at 12:18 am

I see Barack Obama winking at me and giving me that special smile. That’s what I always see when I look at anything having to do with my imaginary husband.

robanybody November 11, 2008 at 12:20 am

This is a rare historical document, smuggled from the National Archives in somebody’s pants. It’s a CAT scan image of Transmissible Spongiform Encephalopathy making brain souffle in the skull of our 40th president. Back in the glory days, when our leaders came by their derangements honestly.

Crow T. Robot November 11, 2008 at 12:46 am

No Fumar!

Crow T. Robot November 11, 2008 at 1:08 am

(the above joke will be comprehensible to exactly three people, all of whom were extremely baked at the time, approximately 22 years ago)

schvitzatura November 11, 2008 at 1:48 am

Richard Kelley’s Southland Tales Treer Corporation logo?

TGY November 11, 2008 at 3:27 am


dogscantlookup November 11, 2008 at 3:54 am

But is it art?

wonderboom November 11, 2008 at 4:22 am

i can see my house!

Hound November 11, 2008 at 9:27 am

Who knew Florida could look even more like a penis?

BruceLee5000 November 11, 2008 at 9:32 am

This is what’s inside McCain’s Walnut cheek pouch.
Including, the blue, throbbing, Florida member.

BruceLee5000 November 11, 2008 at 9:33 am

OMG, Florida’s tip is even PURPLE. Someone needs to take the rubber bands off all ready…

nurple November 11, 2008 at 9:37 am

Blue State America is delicious flesh, Red State America is uneatable gristle.

bearbait November 11, 2008 at 9:49 am

[re=172497]wonk_the_heck[/re]: And is apparently receiving a reach-around from the republicans.

Heywood Floyd November 11, 2008 at 10:33 am

My God, it’s full of stars!

Roxie Beaver November 11, 2008 at 11:45 am

I see a crazed angry ferret-faced, claw-handed, miss-shapened butterfly, with a huge diseased uncircumscribed rhino penis. Gross.

Roxie Beaver November 11, 2008 at 11:48 am

[re=172529]mattbolt[/re]: What, what!!??!! There are “jackrabbit sex toys”????

darbyogill November 13, 2008 at 12:54 am

I see a Gnarls Barkley video waiting to happen.

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