nation of toxic boils

New Map Proves America Is Spongy Tumor

We are the grossest nation ever.Ewww, observe this gross map! This eye-searing cross between a ribeye steak and a six-week fetus is supposed to illustrate something important about voting patterns by representing the size of a state according to population rather than acreage. This frees sad coastal Democrats from the “tyranny of geography” and puts uppity Wyoming Republicans in their place (i.e. nowhere).

But the REAL secret here is that the United States is clearly not a country at all, but rather a mass of poisonous tissue with the consistency of a half-cooked egg souffle. If you cut it open, you will find hair and teeth in it. TRUE FACT.

Maps of the 2008 US presidential election results [Mark Newman via Andrew Sullivan]

About the author

Sara K. Smith was Wonkette's morning editor from 2008 to 2010, and now contributes a weekly (?!) column to Wonkette, to prove she still loves you all!

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  1. hobgoblin of little minds

    I kind of think it looks like a hope phoenix rising from the bitter flaming turd of a country the right-wing retards left us with.

  2. DustBowlBlues

    I think it looks like a finger painting done by a charming tot in a Christian school, when asked to share their memories about the pics at the last anti-choice rally they attended with Mommy and Daddy.You know, the darling snaps of fetuses.

  3. Kev-O-Tron

    [re=172505]MedianHater[/re]: Fuck me… why did I listen to your advice? That’s fucking gross. But at least now I know what to call that massive mound of flesh under my chin…

  4. mattbolt

    New England = Head of a snarling dog.
    Florida = One of those Jackrabbit sex toys.
    Both are apt metaphors.

  5. Guppy06

    So… where’s states 49 and 50? Don’t make Governor Sarah hunt you down by airplane, gosh darn it!

  6. slick7

    All the beautiful places where my friends and family live are in blue, and all of the places that I’m forced to go to for business are in red.

  7. tiny mexican


    “teratomas have been reported to contain hair, teeth, bone and very rarely more complex organs such as eyeball, torso, and hand.”

    ugh. Nate Silver doesn’t make me think about gross nightmare abortion tumors.

  8. problemwithcaring

    ZOMG, are we still talking about voting maps? ‘Specially when there is a new installment of
    Palin’s Petticoat Junction?

    Palin’s father, Chuck Heath, said his daughter spent the day Saturday trying to figure out what belongs to the RNC.

    “She was just frantically … trying to sort stuff out,” Heath said. “That’s the problem, you know, the kids lose underwear, and everything has to be accounted for.

  9. mattbolt

    [re=172531]Guppy06[/re]: Well, by population Alaska is about 1/429th of the size of the mainland, and Hawaii is about 1/233rd of the size, so, imagine a tiny red clump and a blue clump that’s about twice as big

  10. rocktonsammy

    I see a need for more blue, especially in those red states.

    Grant won.

    Obama won,

    Finally, bookends.

  11. Dave J.

    [re=172539]problemwithcaring[/re]: Any guesses on whether several $8,000 dresses from Saks are included in the “underwear” that the “kids” somehow “lost”??

  12. Mull_Man

    I like the way the Bay Area looks like the claws of an enormous dungeness crab. And that Texas looks like a pulmonary embolism.

  13. messickc (ROLL TIDE!)

    [re=172505]MedianHater[/re]: **sigh** I did, and now regret it. Babies puking up hair and arms is not my cup-o-tea.

  14. I Am Not Your Gary Busey

    [re=172523]AJO[/re]: That it’s exactly as important as it thinks it is? That’s a little unsettling.

  15. blinky_twinkie

    [re=172553]Mull_Man[/re]: I thought the in-the-tank-4-McCain spongy tumor map deliberately made the Bay Area look like a Satanic cloven hoof kicked high in an obviously gay-76-Trombones manner.

  16. OffTheRecord

    [re=172539]problemwithcaring[/re]: THANK GOD! I have been waiting all day for someone to bring this up. Perhaps if the children did not lose their underwear so much they would end up slightly less pregnant.

  17. Cape Clod

    [re=172548]FreshCliches[/re]: I tend to think it’s more along the lines of Willem de Kooning. (Sniff)

  18. DangerousLiberal

    [re=172542]Boozeweek[/re]: I thought that was Joe Lieberman’s name: he can be easily resected from the surrounding tissue/senate and, as Wikipedia notes, teratomas, like Joe Lieberman, don’t raise the same ethical issues as other research on stem cells, because teratomas/Joe Leiberman cannot become fully human.

  19. wheelie

    Aw man this is like too much coz that is totally the tie-dye I bought at this Grateful Dead tribute thing the other night which was amazing an’ I was like so tripped out like it started raining and I totally thought the rain was turning yellow so I opened my mouth and drank the yellow rain which was so cool cept I’m not feeling so well right now . . .

  20. Rush

    One pill makes you larger
    And one pill makes you small
    And the ones that mother gives you
    Don’t do anything at all
    Go ask Alice
    When she’s ten feet tall

    Please stay away from the brown acid Wonkateers.

    J. Garcia

  21. pourmecoffee

    Weird. To me, this looks like the angry, disapproving face of my mother. Does anyone else see that?

  22. CivicHoliday

    Looks like one of the Angels from dogma, with only one leg. All the red is the blood spattered all over his body after it got blown off by Silent Jay with a machine gun.

  23. azw88

    [re=172539]problemwithcaring[/re]: I read that too, and thought WHAT THE FUCK???? The RNC bought undies for that Palin brats? And if she ‘never asked for a thing’ how the fuck did the RNC end up buying her kids underwear??? I mean if someone were handing me new undies for my kids when i hadn’t asked for them I’d run in the other direction!!

    Of course, this is the Republican party so children missing underwear should not be too shocking.

  24. Borat

    I’ve been staring at this thing for hours but I can’t cross my eyes right to see the magic eye image. I think they got some fractal equation wrong, probably the one that starts with:
    Walnuts age – (Moosilini’s IQ * probable number of Bristol’s Kids).

  25. villageatrois

    Somebody rubbed Preparation H on most of the “M” states — Montana, Minnesota, Michigan, Maine are all shrunken and shriveled. Must be the same red-stater who turned M’s upside down in the M&M packages.

  26. wheelie

    [re=172539]problemwithcaring[/re]: Sarah’s still struggling to get on top of all the briefs.

    Arf, arf.

  27. Borat

    [re=172541]mattbolt[/re]: Ha, my failing eyesight or the number of joints I smoked made me think your comment read “tiny red DUMP” when referring to Alaska

  28. Neilist

    [re=172553]Mull_Man[/re]: There hasn’t been a dungeness crab in San Francisco Bay since about the early 1960s. The pollution killed them all off. The ones you get on Fisherman’s Wharf are flown in from Washington State or whatever.

    Nowadays, if you want crabs, you have to hit one of the bars in the Castro . . . If You Know What I Mean And I Think You Do . . . .

  29. heathenish

    I saw the butterfly too!! or else a gross and disgusting alien life form. But I live in the blue dot in the red mass in the upper mid-northwest or something like that.

  30. Numbat Dundee

    Republicanism is a red infected mucus inhabitimg the nation’s remote sinuses. (With apologies to Douglas Adams) the election of Obama may now be known as the coming of the big black handkerchief.

  31. S.Luggo

    1. “As The Eagle Soars”
    2. The last robin I merrily ran over driving to work.
    3. The vile, poisonous, lib gayosity infecting our country from Barry’s anti-Christ, anti-Walmart, Satanic worship, eat-more-fruit, socialist/Marxist, no-frontsees/no-backsees, Islamo, salt-is-bad, spread-whitey‘s-wealth free love hippie ashram or someplace like just it. Maybe, Jackson Hole.

  32. Mull_Man

    [re=172618]Neilist[/re]: Never said there was. Must be why I always buy them in HMB. I’m 5th gen. Californian – pre Gold Rush. So there thhhhhbbbb.

  33. Wee Mousie

    That’s what got caught in Cheney’s gullet when he tried to endorse McCain.

    It’s even more disgusting when you know where its been.

  34. the invisible woman

    I see Barack Obama winking at me and giving me that special smile. That’s what I always see when I look at anything having to do with my imaginary husband.

  35. robanybody

    This is a rare historical document, smuggled from the National Archives in somebody’s pants. It’s a CAT scan image of Transmissible Spongiform Encephalopathy making brain souffle in the skull of our 40th president. Back in the glory days, when our leaders came by their derangements honestly.

  36. Crow T. Robot

    (the above joke will be comprehensible to exactly three people, all of whom were extremely baked at the time, approximately 22 years ago)

  37. BruceLee5000

    This is what’s inside McCain’s Walnut cheek pouch.
    Including, the blue, throbbing, Florida member.

  38. Roxie Beaver

    I see a crazed angry ferret-faced, claw-handed, miss-shapened butterfly, with a huge diseased uncircumscribed rhino penis. Gross.

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