all of them douchebags

Take Intern Juli’s Advanced Emanuel Brothers Personality Test From Hell

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Rahm!!If you’re a former ballet dancer with a hot temper and nine and a half fingers, you’re probably glad to see that this Rahm Emanuel fellow came along. If he can make it, so can you! Emanuel also has two brothers, Zeke and Ari, with whom you might have more in common than you might think. Take Wonkette’s Official Emanuel Brother Diagnostic Personality Test and find out!

1. Pretend you were one of three brothers born to a psychiatric social worker and a pediatrician. You’d be the:
A. Eldest [Wikipedia]
B. Middle child [Wikipedia]
C. Youngest, by 16 months to the day [Wikipedia]

This one is Ari2. It’s time to attend a small elite in-the-middle-of-nowhere four-year liberal arts college. You choose:
A. Amherst; in western Massachusetts, the only person around to give an inferiority crisis to is yourself [New York Times]
B. Sarah Lawrence; grades are for the weak and the academically-inclined [New York Times]
C. Macalester; it’s neither Sarah Lawrence nor Amherst [New York Times]

3. Pet peeve:
A. Doctor-assisted suicide [New York Times]
B. Tony Blair’s incompetence [Telegraph]
C. The belief that IQ and income are proportional [New York Times]

4. Unlikely ally:
A. the Wyden-Bennett health care bill [HuffPost]
B. G.W.F. Hegel [New Yorker]
C. Arianna Huffington [HuffPost]

5. Medical triumph:
A. Hippocrates Magazine Ethicist of the Year Award [NIH]
B. Survived a terrible case of a gangrenous finger [Esquire]
C. Dyslexic, hyperactive; you were accidentally hit by a car driven by your own client [New York Times]

6. Unlikely antagonist:
A. Andrew Sullivan [Andrew Sullivan]
B. Andrew Sullivan [Andrew Sullivan]
C. Mel Gibson [Defamer]

This is Zeke, a fancy cancer doctor or some such7. You’re invisible on GChat, but you still choose to IM:
A. Stuart Butler, to say something pithy [Campaign Stop]
B. George Stephanopoulos [New York Times]
C. Chris Albrecht, domestic abuser with a heart [Deadline Hollywood Daily]

Sponsored Intermission

8. Achilles heel:
A. Dearth of information about yourself on the Internet, rendering it difficult to compile a quiz based on your life [Google]
B. Interior decoration [New Yorker]
C. Season 4 of Entourage [The Big Picture]

9. To unwind, you:
A. Speak at the Aspen Institute [CSR Wire]
B. Call your rabbi [New Yorker]
C. Play racquetball [New York Times]

10. Ultimate goal:
A. Universal health care [PBS]
B. To be president of synagogue, America [New Yorker]
C. Getting front-paged on the Huffington Post [HuffPost]

Mostly As: Congratulations, you’re Zeke. You’re probably going to cure cancer one day. You’re a lot smarter than everyone else, ever, and you illustrate this by wearing a pair of intimidatingly thin-rimmed glasses.

Mostly Bs: You’re Rahm. You’re sassy and petulant and disrespectful—but are grounded by your commitment to Judaism — and now you’re working for the Obama White House. You’re Aaron’s Sorkin’s wet dream. Congratulations?

Mostly Cs: You’re Ari “Gold” Emanuel and you work in Hollywood, with movie stars. You may not be as smart as your older brothers, but you’re arguably better looking and certainly richer. For now, anyway.

About the author

Juli Weiner was Wonkette's beloved intern and books columnist and then morning editor until she was hired away by Vanity Fair in 2010.

View all articles by Juli Weiner


Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • OKLAHOMAjesus?

    I guess I would be the aborted child, since compared to them I have accomplished about as much as an aborted child.

  • nosnikreplliw

    oh. i thought that question was asking if i don’t like how i’m smarter than everyone else but don’t get paid as much.

  • shortsshortsshorts

    No answer for being a “known associate of someone who associates with Bill Ayers?”

  • ManchuCandidate

    I’m betting Mama E wins all the “My sons are…” competitions with all the other mothers (Jewish or not.)

  • Cogito Ergo Bibo

    Guess I’m the little talked about black sheep sister, busy earning her whore diamonds and tarnishing the family name. Good times!

  • AdversePossession

    Yay! I’ve always wanted to cure cancer.

  • Botswana Meat Commission FC

    That is some fine work. Don’t make Newell look bad/lazy, though.

  • GlennBecksTaint

    i’m bored with them already

  • EliteAfroChick

    I have a tie….siemese twin…ughhh

  • Rush

    Which brother is married to Hadassah again?^???#?

  • Merry Christen

    I want to know more about how the Rahmanator was a ballet dancer. Seriously and for reals? Please someone tell me there are pics of him in a dance belt and tights, with a gorgeous protruding man mound….

  • BrownMenace

    There are factual errors. For example:

    3. Pet peeve:
    A. Doctor-assisted suicide [Zeke]
    B. Tony Blair’s incompetence [Rahm]
    C. The belief that IQ and income are proportional [not Ari!]

    You’re looking at the NYT article from the 90’s, you’ll see that it says that Ari asserts that IQ and income are correlated.

    Zeke is annoyed by this and suggests that they are correlated inversely–he earns the least of them as a philosopher and a doctor, yet is the smartest, and so is annoyed by this. Less skimming, more reading sentences, Juli!

  • BrownMenace

    [re=172445]Rush[/re]: Leiberman is married to a woman named Hadassah, and neither Rahm nor Zeke are.

  • 4tehlulz

    [re=172427]ManchuCandidate[/re]: No shit. She also should get an honorary sainthood for putting up with the three motherfuckers (and her crazy-assed husband) for so long.

  • Texan Bulldoggette

    Congrats, Julie, you’ve made Ben Smith’s blog. Now all the right wing neanderthal commenters can berate you in all caps & typos.


    Wow I’m a lot like Rahm Emanuel. Can this town handle TWO Angry Jewish Hippie Liberals??? Actually there’s about 20,000 of us in this town, Rahm just has the coolest job and, for now, name recognition.

  • sezme

    [re=172449]BrownMenace[/re]: Whew! For a second, I was worried this might be educational!

  • NoWireHangers

    [re=172455]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: Wait…that blog post directs here. That mean’s Our Wonkette is going to get an influx of mouth-breathers. Ready the truck nutz!

    Good work, Jules. Now that WALNUTS! is down for a nap and Our Wonkette is down to 5 posts a day, it’s good to know you’re working hard to feed the dragon. By which I mean, we the horrible commenters of Wonkette.

  • EliteAfroChick

    [re=172458]sezme[/re]: 4 years of hard work and no snark….come back Sarah

  • blackdontcrack

    i might do ari but i prefer joe scarborough. is there a slightly chubby emanuel brother you left out?

  • Borat

    So how many beds were in the house when they grew up? Or is this supposed to be one of those classic American tales about growing up in a one-room house with 1 bed and no electricity and an outhouse blah blah blah.

  • LittlePig

    So, where did Bill make him put his finger that subsequently rotted off?

  • problemwithcaring

    [re=172451]BrownMenace[/re]: And so now, who’s fucking Jeremy Pivens?

  • sadderbutnowiser

    Did Rahm toss the One Ring of Power into Mt. Doom to keep the Dark Lord (Cheney) from getting it? Did the miserable degraded halfling W bite off the finger at the very end before falling into the pit of fire (and emerging revitalized and 50 years younger, ready to eat a brace of coneys, as he calls small children)? Does Obama get crowned soon and herald in the Age of Men …

    Inquiring minds (with too much time on their hands) want to know!

  • bigfakesmile

    is this a sausage party? cuz over at Gawker the topic is which emanuel brother do you want to fuck, not which one you wannabe.

  • S.Luggo
  • LBOtomist

    [re=172430]Cogito Ergo Bibo[/re]: I have whore diamonds to spare. We should talk.

  • d4g33z

    Nice work, intern Juli. I’m entertained AND edumacated. Can we still say edumacated?

  • Catatonic

    Kudos to Brown Menace for keeping the discussion accurate. I think we are dealing with your classic overachieving family in the case of the Emmanuels. I find it especially amusing that Ari is “Ari” on Entourage. Again we have this weird situation of Art imitating Reality vs Art as Reality. In other words, take out your camcorders and create art/history. (I’m half joking, of course; Art’s function is to interpret and edit history, including all the Art you and I do in our heads everyday.) History (including current events of course) provides the stuff for artists (in any media) to work with and so in our social networked environment – surrounded by all kinds of media – we are creating our own deconstructed environments more or less continuously. The interesting thing is that we are doing this anonymously through these spontaneous online communities. And in these communities dialogues form that “lurkers” participate passively in. It’s pretty powerful.

    Anyway back to the point: Rahm will be interesting as will this (upcoming) Administration.

  • DustBowlBlues

    Hard for a Methodist from the Real America to relate to any of them, except in my sad dreams of fame and glory and, whatever.

  • Orchidelirium

    Cute–except Sarah Lawrence does have grades, and IS for the academically inclined, and is 30 minutes outside NYC which hardly qualifies as “the middle of nowhere.”

  • DustBowlBlues

    [re=172518]Catatonic[/re]: Wow. Smart, illuminating discussion of art, reality and the internet community. Excuse me, but am I in the wrong wonkette?

  • Internally valid

    [re=172518]Catatonic[/re]: Hmm quite yes indeed.

  • Kinbote

    11. Marx Brother with whom you share the most personality traits:

    A. Groucho
    B. Chico
    C. Zeppo

    “Harpo”® is a registered trademark of Harpo, Inc. All rights reserved.

  • Origami

    [re=172518]Catatonic[/re]: You do realize that you are posting this comment on a website that is known for buttsecks discussions and calls Joe Lieberman a virgin every chance they get, right?

    Keep the media and philosophy diatribe for discussion time at your Intro to Media course at Georgetown. Here on the internet we don’t take ourselves that seriously.

  • donner_froh

    I am way too lazy and goyish to be any of them but I want to read more posts by Juli Wiener.

  • smellyal8r

    [re=172558]Kinbote[/re]: D: Karl (to hear Jamakane tell it)

  • smellyal8r

    [re=172483]sadderbutnowiser[/re]: That’s a much better story than the way it really happened. He sliced it off on a meat slicer at Arbys on prom night when he was a teen. Then, went swimming in Lake Michigan, developed an infection that nearly killed him, etc. I imagine that half finger has been shown to just about every member of the House as Rahm’s droll way of saying “g’bye”.

  • loganmo

    Oh that’s right, I had lasagna.

  • villageatrois

    Which one started WW III?

    Which one filmed it?

  • S.Luggo

    [re=172498]S.Luggo[/re]: Sorry. Saint Zeke:
    There is no NIH Reputation Problem Bad Enough to Make Me Sell My Stock [- Zeke]
    Some Scientists Say New Ethics Rules May Damage NIH

    An NIH scientist who is a leader of the opposition to the new rules, Ezekiel [Zeke] Emanuel, says he was forced to sell stock valued at $140,000 last month, noting that he can’t own, for example, General Electric Co. shares because it has a medical-imaging division [devices are regulated by the FDA]. The tight rules apply “to my secretary, to the cleaning lady, to the electrician,” Dr. Emanuel says [raising his brother Rahm’s truncated finger]. “Rather than prevent conflict of interest, the rules take a meat cleaver” to outside activities and stock ownership, he adds. (Dr. Emanuel is the brother of Rahm Emanuel, a Democratic congressman from Illinois and former Clinton White House official.)
    Ethicist. Okay.
    Some might say that all the brothers are right bastards, but this is what makes the US of A. JMO.

  • BrownMenace

    [re=172603]smellyal8r[/re]: I am so sorry to be a factasshole, but he did not slice any part of his finger off. He cut it working at Arby’s and then developed the infection you describe.

  • BrownMenace

    [re=172478]problemwithcaring[/re]: Unfortunately, I only know about the fuck-partners of political operatives and philosophers.

  • BrownMenace

    [re=172696]smellyal8r[/re]: Thus requiring an amputation of the gangrenous digit, of course.

  • dilhavarti

    [re=172456]GDTRFB[/re]: I’m not Jewish. Do I still have to take the quiz? Anyway, I’m probably more like Ari, only not so better looking, or knowing movie stars, or in Hollywood, or rich… kinda more like a mayonnaise salesman.

  • S.Luggo

    Rahm’s sheared digit is the subconscious source of his anger in later life, an anger subsequently meted upon others because of their projected inability to grasp.
    Elementary. Yet, so sad.
    — S. Freud

  • sezme

    [re=172702]BrownMenace[/re]: Actually, he takes his religion so seriously, he had his finger circumcised.

  • the invisible woman

    1. Is all them douchebags a reference to Rosemary’s Baby? (All them witches?)

    2. Congrats on being cited on politico:

  • Putz

    Macalaster is located in St. Paul. The Twin cities while they aren’t New York are fairly big. Not quite middle of nowhere. I went on a college visit and every singe other kid on the tour was a upper middle class white girl. It told me 2 things, 1) I was going to have to look off campus if I ever wanted to get laid in college 2) They have to bribe minorities to get the diversity they love to brad about. Ewwww.

  • Putz

    Wow, maybe I should have gone there. I just reread my post. Damn, what happened to my writing.

  • Lascauxcaveman

    [re=172518]Catatonic[/re]: That was pretty good, you should stick around. And don’t worry, the funny will will wear off on you eventually. You’ll be a star.

  • cwedoff

    I graduated from Macalester, applied to Sarah Lawrence, and I am from an inner-ring suburb of Chicago. Do I win?

  • Cool2Snog

    Bejeeziz that’s so facty it must have taken more work than any three average wonkette pieces.

    Give that girl a raise!

  • Saved2Praise

    Okay can somebody please explain what is going on with me? I have been in estrous since this pick was announced. Rahm has completely overtaken my sexual fantasies. Help.

  • crunchymunchy

    Yeah, no one rips on Macalester enough. Harvard of the Midwest my ass.
    Hilarious new Obama rumor:

  • Cedar

    Putz–I went to Macalester, and I got laid all the time! Of course, I’m also a lesbian, which I’m sure totally proves your point.