GO AWAY JOHN KERRY PLZUGGGH JOHN KERRY. The sad horsey lost his 2004 run at the presidency by issuing a stream of terrible proclamations throughout the campaign, which George Bush’s oppo team immediately made into commercials: stuff like, “I voted for the $87 billion before I voted against it.” He was also dull and utterly uncharismatic and bad at campaigning. After he lost the election, he insisted on spamming every single one of his supporters, constantly, with retarded emails that made them loathe him even more.

He continued this awful behavior for two years, until during the 2006 midterm elections he made a crack about how if you are too dumb to stay in college you have to join the military and get murdered in Iraq. That was a very infelicitous remark, but Americans should be eternally grateful he made it, because it was the only thing standing between him and a second failed run at the presidency in 2008:

Kerry’s personal rehabilitation and his presidential ambitions ran off the rails just a few days before the midterm elections, when, during a campaign rally in California, he botched a joke that was meant to skewer Bush for being a poor student but instead denigrated the intelligence of American soldiers in Iraq; suddenly, some of the midterm candidates he’d raised money and stumped for were canceling their appearances with him, and prominent Democrats, including Hillary Clinton, were denouncing him. “After that,” says Shrum, “he couldn’t run.” Two months later, in a tearful speech to a mostly empty Senate chamber, Kerry announced, “I’ve concluded that this isn’t the time for me to mount a presidential campaign.”

Now John Kerry is determined to fuck America AGAIN by traveling the globe and alternately boring and horrifying foreign leaders as Barack Obama’s Secretary of State. He is lobbying hard for this job! We know this for a True Fact because he keeps denying it.

Bill Richardson is obviously the better choice here. He is fat and jolly and ribald and fun to hang out with. Plus he does not make unfunny jokes about John McCain’s diapers all the time.

Swift Return [The New Republic]
Kerry refuses to rule out taking post under Obama [AP]

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  1. My boss brought her kid to work today and they are playing with cars in her office. Does that mean I can just leave and go to the gym, now? This is retarded.

  2. This e-mail I got from my Republican uncle said that in an Obama Administration, “Snoop Dog” would be the Secretary of State. What are the qualifications of this “Snoop Dog”?

  3. Can’t Obama just give Kerry, Lieberman and a few other Senators we don’t like jobs in the cabinet, so they’re forced to resign from the Senate, then immediately say “PSYCHE!” and fire them from the cabinet? All our problems would be solved, surely?

  4. A) I thought that Depends joke was funny. I guess I am the only one.
    B) Richardson is even gaffier than Kerry and Biden combined! The GOP might have to start another reverse-gaffe-countdown/count-up. ‘Member that?

  5. [re=171181]NewSpence[/re]: He’s the one who really popularized the phrase “fo shizzle”, and all it’s variants; made smoking a lot of weed fashionable; had his own TeeVee show where he showed us the right way to raise kids.

  6. Awww! Kerry is my favorite Ent. Plus, he was actually one of the better contenders in the surrogate derby. His unmitigated failure unleashed his candor! Hmmmm . . . possibly making him less suitable for the top diplomat gig?

  7. How can you not pick Richardson?
    (1) Qualified
    (2) not John Kerry
    (3) endorsed Barry O…totally got your back dude
    (4) needs to be somewhere safe from Hillary
    (5) has the mixed-heritage that is so in style now
    (5) not JOHN KERRY

  8. Another vote for the fat scruffy Messican, here. He’s the one I’d want to have a beer/bier/bière/啤酒/μπύρα/пиво/cerveza with.

  9. John Kerry, one more has been before he ever was, a product of the American political dick drip. Strom Thurmon, another good example of the same drip. Opposite sides of the isle and yet the same disease, go figure. And along comes George W. Bush, what a dick with no load, the GOP solution, maybe their final solution, to what??? Grab the money and run?? Life in the fast lane?? Who knows.?? Make sure to mark where we are today, and watch the GOP bitch along the way, the liberals have won an election with pomp and sass, while the GOP shoved turd twisters up their ass.

  10. Neither of them pass the hotness test. Th-that’s not change we can believe in!

    Here’s the staff (har har) of my wet dreams:

    State – Samantha Powers
    Treasury – Tim Geithner
    Defense – Wes Clark
    Attorney General – Andrew Cuomo
    Interior/EPA/Agriculture – Rep. Stephanie Herseth Sandlin
    Education – Rep. Susan Davis
    National Security Advisor – Chuck Hagel
    Council of Economic Advisors co-chairs – Steven Levitt and Paul Krugman
    Homeland Security – Jennifer Granholm
    White House Counsel – Caroline Kennedy

  11. Well Kerry can speak French, but I guess Richardson can speak Spanish. I want Kerry. The Secretary of State is supposed to look grim. I mean when is the last time you saw Condi smile? That woman has a glare that can freeze water at 50 paces.

  12. [re=171213]InKnockYouUs[/re]: Yeah great, Condi is our model for what the SoS should do: shop for expensive clothes, pose, issue vague communiqués, and angle for a post-government board of directors seat in a warm climate.

  13. [re=171232]tunamelt[/re]: What, Samantha Powers isn’t ginger and Irish enough for your needs?

    (Personally, I don’t mind Webb, but he’s not exactly hot)

  14. Barry has established his Pimp Hand by putting Slickback Emmanuel at his right hand. Hiring that whining lazy flake Kerry would start everybody holding back on Barry. Can’t do it. Put in Richardson. I’d love to see Hillary in the job, but that’s putting basically putting Bill way up in his business and the White House only needs one hustler.

  15. [re=171213]InKnockYouUs[/re]: Yeah, but I think Kerry would be more suited to being UN Ambassador a la Adlai Stevenson (another bookish failed presidential hopeful)…

  16. Richardson. Only because he grew that “I’m depressed and I lost” Al Gore beard after he dropped out of the primaries. He also got that cease fire in Sudan that one time. And I want to hear the bitters cry that New Mexico isn’t really a state.

  17. I think Kerry is a great idea. Obama can just look the Israeli PM and the Palestinian PM in a room with Kerry and they’ll get so bored they’d sign anything to get out of the room.

  18. Hmm, this is a tough one. I would say Richardson, because Kerry is so…. Kerry-ish, but haven’t we had enough of men who need dermabrasion fucking things up in Washington the last 7 years?

    Decisions, decisions.

  19. Barry, I am getting pretty darned tired of repeating this. You need Fareed Zakaria as your Secretary of State. FAREED ZAKARIA. I know you know the man, you were one of the first guests on his new Sunday morning talk show on CNN. I keep saying this but then you have to go and threaten to pick John Kerry. Do you do this to hurt me?

  20. [re=171287]Godot[/re]: Dude, would Fareed Zakaria actually take the position? Because I just got excited thinking about that prospect. Intellectually and sexually excited.

  21. Godot: why are you trying to send msgs 2 BHO via Wonkette? Because he has all the time in the world to scroll the comments and find this request?

    NewSpence: Your uncle got it wrong. Snoop will OBVIOUSLY be the head of the ATF. His first task will be renaming it to FBG – the bureau 40s, blunts & gats. DO NOT DOUBT THIS FACT!!!1!!1!! My cousin’s cousin’s friend’s ex-boyfriend from my high school’s dad works for them so I know.

    I have a special place in my heart for my dull senator, John. I would like to see him and Bill somewhere in the cabinet. And then I want to know who Deval will appoint to Senate. I nominate myself (and he’s obviously reading the Wonkette comments, just like Barry, so he’ll get this message) since I’m unemployed and clearly have ample time. Hence this way too effing long comment post.

    Ugh. Sorry. It’s ’cause nothing good is on TV right now.

  22. Remember the time when the Late Richard Pryor had the brilliant idea while ‘freebasing’, that he would light an everlasting flame for his crack pipe and burned his motherfuckin house and over 50% of his body to the third degree?
    Thats John Kerry right there, a horse-faced-cunt!
    Uh, sorry Cindy….

  23. [re=171300]MrsNateSilver[/re]: I tried responding to all those emails and text messages he sends me all the time but he just acts like he never got them!

  24. Is there a count on which President’s appointments caused the biggest number of special elections, because Obama seems to be going for some sort of elected-official-displacement record.

    Himself, Biden, Rahm, Kerry and/or Richardson . . . and there will be more.

  25. [re=171219]SecretWonkette[/re]: I think Barry would have an easier time getting Bill Clinton appointed as the UN Ambassador. I think it’d sit better with the Obamaheads; There’d be less of an opportunity for BC to go “rogue” and he’d get to stay in New York. Best of all, considering his (more mainstream) talents, Big Bill would soon be running the place.

  26. [re=171213]InKnockYouUs[/re]: Actually, Richardson can speak French, too. That was his major, way back in undergrad at Tufts. A multi-cultural threat, plus he looked hawt in the beard.

  27. Kerry as Sec. State – is it too late to change my vote?

    All I can remember about his 2004 campaign is his constant saying “I have a plan”. GRRRRR

  28. [re=171200]Aurelio[/re]: Gnarly.
    [re=171302]pourmecoffee[/re]: Better than a Jew (or anyone else) pretending to be a Democrat? Lemmee think who. A certain Connecticutt asshat US Senator comes to mind. I belive that his name rhymes with “a red, syphilitic, swollen, puss-discharging dickhead”? But I could never rhyme.
    Ancestory? Meh. If we reach back far enough, we are all related to the hairdresser to Conan the Destroyer.

  29. [re=171212]jagorev[/re]: Ok, I might not be in the majority here, but I find Richardson to be a little bit hot. I don’t think I ever really did until after the primaries when he showed up on all the news shows all unshaven and disheveled like he’d been on the world’s biggest bender. I love that guy. He’s personality plus! He’s smart as a frickin’ whip, funny, and oh-so-huggable.

    But, Kerry’s cool too. Just not huggable.

  30. Richardson’s a drunken lout. Hate to burst the bubbles here, but he’s a real loser. NM is in crap shape after his one and a half terms as Gov (which makes the case to get him out, I guess). I know he’s some sort of “internationalist” who supported BHO and took a lot of flak from the Clintonistas, but State’s too big a reward for this tub. Let him have Interior (since he’s from the west and that’s where the US owns a ton of property), but don’t make him our emissary to the world.

    Oh yeah, Kerry stinks too. Put Rahm and Biden on the trail of someone good. They’re bound to know someone better than these Clinton retreads. How ’bout Dick Lugar? Chuck Hagel? Anyone but these two.

  31. [re=171181]NewSpence[/re]: Forget Snoop. I want Flavor Flav. Angela Merkel will love him so much she’ll install a hot tub under the Brandenburg Gate.

  32. Richardson for sec state? The scumbag who made free drinks in New Mexico hotel lounges illegal, and scans your drivers license if you want to buy a bottle? This guy is trying to make New Mexico into the new Utah. Plus all that chasing the secretarys around the office, but hell, it worked for Clinton.

  33. [re=171410]smellyal8r[/re]: I agree with you. They’re both boring assholes. My answer to the question in the headline is neither. Get some new blood in there. Samantha Power is hot, why not her?

  34. How about someone remarkably intelligent and personable with an impressive record that no one’s ever heard of before? C’mon President Hopey, don’t pollute your cabinet with run of the mill Washington hacks.

  35. [re=171429]Jazzman[/re]: “The scumbag who made free drinks in New Mexico hotel lounges illegal, and scans your driver’s license if you want to buy a bottle?”
    Oooo, he so anti-Libertarian for wanting people in New Mexicanistan to drive sober and not smash into peoples like me on teh road. Richardson is such, such Liberal-Marxist trash. Driving drunk is the definition of American freedom. And guns.

  36. [re=171410]smellyal8r[/re]: Just because Obama occasionally says nice things about Republicans like Lugar and Hagel, it’s only to earn brownie points for bi-partisanship and not hating ALL republicans, but he’s not so blinded by nicey-nice that he’s actually going to put them into any positions of power. Well, maybe Hagel.

  37. Kerry better than Hagel. He’s at least for some abortions, and that would be one way to reduce the number of Chinese coming after my job.

  38. [re=171186]Dave J.[/re]: This must happen. How can we make sure it does (short of publicly voicing my support and/or donating money)? Once Val’s NM’s Governor, then, we have to arrange a meeting between him and Palin, mount a webcam on the wall, and let that shit go more viral than Dramatic Chipmunk.

    OT: Anyone else getting the feeling Palin blew Scheuneman? “Brilliant”??? “Photographic memory”???? $1 million she answered her door for him in decidedly less than a towel…

  39. All hail to our new half-breed Muslin/Velvet Overlord! Now with that outta the way, lemme say hellz-noe to Kerry, who’s a boring loser douche who let shortbus Swiftboaters crush his nutz for FIVE AND A HALF MONTHS then broke his promise to at least politely inquire about the massive election-fraud the ReThugs pulled on him/Us in Ohio while too-eagerly slinking back to a comfy chair in the Senate cloakroom. Later on, he stood-by like a tourist when the cops pulled a shocker on that “Don’t taze me Bro” hippy. As for Richardson, his long-standing fealty to “Kissinger Associates” makes me throw-up in my mouth a little. Let him make New Mexico a better place to live, before he gets to try his act on the world-at-large. I feel (and smell!) Smellyal8r on passing-up the Clinton retreads (‘though Rahm Emanuel acting as the Hammer to Hopey’s Velvety-Glove-ness will come in extra-handy, just as long as he keeps the Clintons outta his grill), and I urge Big O to make good on his Change and pass by the 65+ crowd. Now that the 21st Century can start for realz, why back-step to the 90s?

    I’ve got some ideas about who I’d put in Preznit Hopey’s cabinet, and since you’re just dying to know, I’ll tell you a few:

    Sec of Defense – Wes Clark (the only Military man with the ballz to call WALNUTS! out on the tee-vee machine);

    Atty General – former Talabama Governor Don Siegelman [D] (who just might be curious about how much Turdblossom befouled the foutains of American Justice);

    Head of the U.S. Attorneys Office – David Iglesias [R] (a real live “Honorable Republican” who refused to go along with the Bush Crime Family’s political corruptions and paid the price, later publicly acknowledging that while he “thought [he] was working with the Jedi Knights, [he saw he was] working for the Sith Lords.”);

    Sec of Treasury – Noble winner Paul Krugman (telling us the truth in these truth-challenged Bush years);

    National Security Advisor – Joe the Ambassador Wilson (who can tell the difference between a threat to American security and a bunch of aluminum tubes);

    Now, we all know that old folks aren’t completely useless, so here’s a few that I’d have at a cabinet meeting, followed by an early-bird White House supper…

    1) Sec of Homeland Security – James Lee Witt, Clinton’s FEMA Director. Seriously now, did Jimmy Lee have his sh!t together or what? Hell, he might’ve even been able to save WALNUTS!’s brokedown campaign, once he finished laughing his hillbilly ass off.

    2) Sec of Veterans Affairs – Mike Gravel. Yeah, he’s way old and a bit kooky, but he actually seems to care about his fellow vets, and he’s from Alaska – after 4 years at Vets Affairs, he’ll STILL be young enough for any major office in the Vet-friendly Frozen North.

    3) Head of the FDA or the UDSA – Ralph Nader. Yeah, I said it, Ralph f*kn’ Nader. For 30+ years, he’s been bitchin’ & moanin’ about safe food and safe drugs and safe medical devices and protecting ordinary Americans and corporate whoredom at the agency and yadda yadda yadda – so he’s got the perfect background for this gig, plus it’ll force him to put up or shut up his hummus-hole, plus it’ll pull enough of the Nader-tards back into the Democratic Coalition to keep ’em from screwing up any further elections and result in Nader being in the tent[tank?] pissing out instead of outside pissing in, pardon my fuckin’ French.

    4) Special White House Counsel (temp-gig): Ron Paul. “WTF?!” you shout? Here’s why… Politics, baby, politics. On the morning of Jan 21 2009, Barry should have a stack o’ paper on his desk, representing every single Bush-era Executive Order that Obamarama can overturn with a stroke of his big black phallic pen. However, he just might need/want to garner more political cover/good-will from those repentant Repubs who noticed the difference betwixt the Constitution & the Bible just in time to NOT cast their vote for Winky Mooseilini. More Obamacans are better than fewer, and having Libertarian Rep. Ron Paul [R – “Sundown Town”,Texas] in the photo might come in extra-handy at the Midterms for attracting more misguided but still Freedom-luvin’ ‘Merickins to cause of a President who actually understands and appreciates the Constitution (unlike that horse-scared Marlboro-man-wannabe now clearing brush on his movie-set toy ranch…)

    5) UN Ambassador – Al Gore. It’ll get him out of Washington, and maybe into the Secretary General’s job…

  40. Big Bill Richardson should be part of the new administration, but not as sec of state.
    He is great as an in person negotiator. He is tough, smart, and very personable.
    Truth is nobody can help but like the guy. However, as evidenced by his presidential bid, he
    is just not polished enough for a high profile national office that might put him in front
    of tv cameras on a regular basis.

  41. Rahm Israel Emanuel officially accepted his appointment by Obama as Chief of Staff on November 6 2008. The Israeli press & media were beside themselves with applause and cheers.
    Rahm Emanuel is a former investment banker who made millions on Wall Street. Emanuel’s sponsor is the Zionist , Bruce Wasserstein, who is now the head of Lazard Banking.
    Rahm Israel Emanuel is the son of an Israeli physician who was a gun runner for the Irgun, an Israeli terrorist group that murdered Arab civilians in Palestine between 1931 and 1948. Upon his son’s appointment as Obama’s Chief of Staff, Dr. Benjamin Emanuel (”Auerbach” was his original surname) had some choice slanderous words for the Arabs:

    In an interview with Ma’ariv: “Obviously he will influence the president to be pro-Israel,” he was quoted as saying. “Why wouldn’t he be? What is he, an Arab? He’s not going to clean the floors of the White House.”
    The Ma’ariv article also quoted Dr. Emanuel as saying that his son spends most summers visiting in Tel Aviv, and that he speaks Hebrew, but not fluently

    Emanuel, Clinton & Mossad:

  42. Ah yes, S. Luggo, if only he was trying to help the poor motorists being run down on the freeways. Has nothing to do with that, it is a total poser play to show how righteous Richardson is. Hell, he even tried to ban airlines flying over the state from serving customers. And if wanting a drink in the air makes me a libertarian, well here’s to Bob Barr!

  43. [re=171508]Bearbloke[/re]: Inspired choices, indeed. I might have suggested Eric Shinseki at Defense as even a sharper rebuke to the repukes, and Clinton (Bubba)as Secretary to the U.N. but, over all, brilliant.

  44. [re=171508]Bearbloke[/re]: Totes agree on the ‘why step back into the 90s’ thing – P-E Hopey needz to include a few Clintonians but let’s not go overboard here, right?

    PS Wes Clark for anything – he is totes ‘The Man’!

  45. A Palin cabinet would be much more interesting!

    State: Bill Kristol
    Treasury: Meg Whitman
    Defense: Joe Lieberman
    Interior: Joe the Plumber
    Education: Sarah’s cousin the 3rd grade teacher
    Energy: Todd Palin
    Justice: Judge Judy

  46. (Re the link above about Kerry’s “Depends” joke)This guy should just stop trying to tell jokes, period. He just isn’t very good at it: He didn’t hear the obvious disconnect when he botched that Iraq joke, and here he doesn’t “hear” how the “Depends ” joke MUST go. The punchline to “Do you wear boxers or briefs?” is NOT “IT depends.” It’s just: “Depends.” Anything else mucks it up. Hey, I made my first post on Wonkette! May I have my cookie now? :P

  47. [re=171523]Jazzman[/re]: I’m of a mixed mind about Richardson; When I first moved to NM and he was running for Gov., I’d wonder aloud “is he the best that they can do”, but I have to say that he’s a pretty good Governor and because he dropped international names on election night, he’d apparently take the job.

    With that said, I do have to point out that a guy was visibly drunk on an airplane and was still served, then he got off the plane, bought a 12-pack and killed a family. It was a sad story and it dominated NM headlines for a while, so every politico was reaching for a “response”.

    And, what Richardson discovered was that the airline which served the dude wasn’t licensed to serve in NM, as weren’t a lot of airlines, so his public stance was to enforce the existing state law. Those airlines that were properly licensed continued unabated, while those that weren’t in compliance had to stop serving until they were licensed.

  48. Richardson’s already been a U.N. Ambassador, cabinet secretary, congressman, and governor…fuck secretary of state, why the hell wasn’t he selected as VP?

  49. [re=171626]Prof. Junk[/re]: Well, that oughta tell you something right there, eh?

    Today’s news has it that Tom Daschle is possibly in line for State, which is fine by me. I’m not a huge fan of his, but if it’s him, Kerry or Richardson, he’s absolutely the best of those three. I stick by my thinking last night that Gov Richardson is a lout (and getting drunks off the road isn’t as easy as it might appear in NM. With the exception of the airline story, most of the drinking comes from Indian reservations, where Bill doesn’t have a lot of authority…plus being against drunk driving is kind of “low hanging fruit”, no?). He’s been regularly combative with the D controlled Legislature (they HATE him) and just hasn’t made NM that much better a place to live, start a business or stay in business and that’s actually one of the roles of a state’s governor.

    Also, Gore can’t be Sec’y General of the UN. No one from a Security Council member nation can run the place.

  50. [re=171626]Prof. Junk[/re]: Because, while a black-and-tan is a refreshing, delicious beverage, America wasn’t quite ready to vote for it as a presidential ticket. If there’s one thing the bitterz hate more than Muslins, it’s Messicans.

    I’m a big Ricardo fan and am a little sad he made such a bad presidential bid and will probly be too old to run in 2016 (I know, getting ahead of myself). So yes, Sec’y of State pleez!

  51. [re=171648]smellyal8r[/re]: Agreed… Daschle is at least inoffensive, and unlikely to make other countries actively loathe us (Kerry) or impregnate Angela Merkel (Richardson).

  52. [re=171524]gurukalehuru[/re]: Shinseki gets to be Chairman of the Joint Chiefs, Del. Eleanor Holmes Norton gets to be HHS Sec, and Bubba gets to stay in retirement & outta That One’s White House…

  53. I just don’t want to lose bill as my governor. he has done a good job. anyone but kerry, and if you have to take bill, go ahead, but isn’t there someone else ?????

  54. Barry should reach across party lines and select someone with more experience executive like Snowbilly. She’ll help us win new friends, like how she got a fatwa issued on the PM of Pakistan for rubbing his leg.

  55. Is there any way we can just kick all Baby Boomers out of politics forever? Perhaps we could just ship them all to Nebraska and be like “Boomer it up kids!” No more helicopter moms! They can shout “Hanoi Jane” and “baby killer” at one another until the end of time, and we won’t have to deal with their bullshit culture war anymore. Worst generation ever! Sorry, John Kerry’s ugly mug tends to send me on anti-Boomer rants.

  56. NewSpence,

    “What are the qualifications of this “Snoop Dog”?”

    I know he’s got his mind on his money and his money on his mind. Maybe he should be Treasury Secretary.

  57. Whoever Barry chooses for his Cabinet, it remains crucial to “de-Bushify” the government, and my terrorist-fist-bump-loving personal areas are tickled pink at news from the Obamasphere about their announced intention to overturn the many anti-/extra-/quasi-/un-Constitutional Bu(LL)sh(IT)-era Executive Orders… and maybe even some National Security & Homeland Security Directives, like NSPD-51, which even now gives Duh-bya the power to rule like an emperor in the event of a vaguely-defined “national emergency” without Congressional approval or recourse. I dig That One as much as any other arugula-eating libtard, but not quite THAT much…

  58. Even though I’d lose my governor — Richardson, definitely. I had the opportunity to sit down with him a few years back. He has unparalleled one-on-one charisma. He really makes you feel that, for the brief time you’re talking with him, that you are the utter and total focus of his attention. While I was disappointed with his performance in the campaign, in smaller settings, the guy has magnetism — not to mention kickass credentials for a Secretary of State.

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