Liveblogging Obama's First "Hope"ference With The Terrible Media

Barry won the election! Now he can talk to the press and finally tell them that he's not going to change a con sarn thing with our government because he secretly has loved War and poverty and derivatives the whole time. Joke's on us! Ha ha ha oh well, there's always 2012 and some Clinton or another. Let's see what he has to say.

2: 30 -- It's 2:30, the scheduled time for the press conference, meaning things should get started by December.

2: 31 -- Oh no holy poo there's a guy at the podium! He looks like Jonah Goldberg, WTF! Is Jonah Goldberg going to introduce Obama? Hope!

2: 32 -- [Sigh]. Jonah Goldberg guy was just saying that the thing is now delayed another 10-15 minutes. Never liked Jonah anyway.

2: 32 -- We're watching CNN. Candy Crowley isextremelyfascinated by the "diversity" of Obama's economic team. Business people and academics! Crackers 'n' coloreds! Men and wo-Men! Holograms and real humans.

2: 35 -- We wait. Whatcha saying in the comments, hmm? "Yes We Did"? That's been a popular one of late. Oh what's this, do we have a wittle cwybaby in the house?

2: 40 -- We just tried to perform the very simple task of opening the live feed on CNN.com, which we were hoping to share with you! Then it made our computer download 900 different "java updates" or some bullhickey, so no, thanks. You can try though! CNN.com is located at CNN.com. 

2: 42 -- Robert Byrd is stepping down from his 500-year term as head of the Senate Appropriations Committee. No major reason, just that he's 91-years-old and senile and dying of various diseases. Well sorry, state of West Virginia! There goes half of your annual state income.

2: 44 -- Oh just a million more minutes, Jonah Goldberg says.

2: 45 -- Thank you commenter jagorev for posting this liberal link to NPR's live stream. Aren't you people all at home anyway, what with the great depression? Eating chocolate bon-bons and peeing behind the couch?

2: 48 -- Ah, of course, now there's another five-minute delay. Why have the motherfucker at all?

2: 50 -- CNN's mentioning something about the Iraq War. That thing still going on?

2: 50 -- Well! Now we're getting started, and early, if you consider it's only been 2 minutes since the last 5-minute warning.

2: 51 -- Every Democrat who wants a job in the executive branch comes on stage and stands with dignity. Most of them are economic people, the various Presidents of Money. Rahm Emanuel is there beating them all up with brass knuckles and cutting off their fingers.

2: 52 -- BARRY IS STARTING SO NOW ACTUALLY READ THIS.

2: 53 -- He says that when we woke up today, the economy was, as usual, dead, with the new 6.5% unemployment rate. This troubles the new president-elect.

2: 54 -- He says he talked to Bush. He's been talking to Bush. Bush isn't so happy about the economy either! Ha they are best pals now, it is adorable.

2: 55 -- Says we need to take Steps to alleviate the situation. Free porn subscriptions for all.

2: 55 -- #1: Need middle class tax cuts, extended unemployment benefits, other little cushions you have to fill out forms for.

2: 56 -- #2 (#3? May have been another): Fix the automobile industry. Hmm! Have fun withthat. (Yes, though, the remaining 90,000 factory jobs in America were cut in October.)

2: 57 -- Help families stay in their homes by... taking their car keys so they're never really able to leave?

2: 58 -- He says he understands the severity of the tasks ahead. Fortunately, he has a harem of data sluts on stage with him. They will fix money.

2: 59 --Questions!

3: 00 -- Question 1: something about what he thinks he can accomplish in his first 100 days, given all of this economic poop.

3: 00 -- Answer: "Vague vague vague, vague vague, and vague. Vague vague vague? Vague. Also: more stimuli! For you! Vague."

3: 01 -- He calls on "Lee" for the next question!

3: 02 -- Question 2: When's this stimulus happening?

3: 03 -- Answer: If not in a lame-duck session of Congress, then first thing when he's in office.

3: 03 -- Oh now we're getting to the more usual dingbatty questions. Question 3: Iran's president sent you a letter of congratulations for winning the election. What's your fucking problem you piece of shit?

3: 03 -- Answer: Iran Cannot Have Nuclear Weapons. [Whispers to Rahm: "break that reporter's knee. No -- his daughter's knee."]

3: 04 -- Question 4: Bush is the president, you're the president, hell, who isn't the president these days, eh? Who's president now, guy?

3: 05 -- Answer: Yes We Can! Oh who knows, whatever the standard politician's answer to that dumb question would be is what he said.

3: 06 -- Obama: "Let's see" [looks at notepad to find non-bitch] "Karen, you."

3: 07 -- Karen's question was boring and the next was boring. Moving on.

3: 08 -- Uh oh, he done screwed up this time! He calls on Lynn Sweet of the ChicagoTribune   Sun-Times , the most knowledgeable and toughest reporter on his record ever. He tries to soften her up after realizing his mistake, asks her why she is crippled today. LYNN'S TOUGH QUESTION: What kind of doggy are you getting?!? Seriously this was Lynn Sweet's question. Barack literally says "a mutt, like me." He is being racist against himself! Oh god he is yelling "terrorist!" at himself!

3: 10 -- Lynn actually also asked about which presidents he's solicited for advice. He says all living presidents, and then makes a creepy joke about how he hasn't asked Nancy Reagan to channel Ronald Reagan from the dead. The Conservative Internet must be going livid. Still.

3: 11 -- Candy Crowley, on her home channel, gets in a question: you're now getting intelligence briefings, so are we fucked or super-fucked? Is it scary?

3: 12 -- Barry sweats and offers terribly uncomfortable, awkward laughter. So it looks like we're somehow getting nuked by Russiaandthe Soviet Union tomorrow.

3: 12 -- Shoots a 3-pointer from the top of Paul Volcker's head into Candy Crowley's cleavage and calls it a day. OK!