OBVIOUS CRIMES  3:56 pm November 6, 2008

Alaskan Elections Were Probably Very Corrupt & Fraudulent, It Being Alaska And All

by Jim Newell

Fancy this mystery from Alaska: as things stood before the election, recently convicted-on-seven-counts felon Ted Stevens was appropriately losing by 13 percentage points in The Polls; similarly corrupt (but so far unconvicted!) at-large Rep. Don Young was losing by 6.5; John McCain was ahead by 14 in the state; early voting in the state was shattering records; and hometown gal Sarah Palin was still all the national rage. Sounds about right, HEHNGNN? And yet Alaska now finds itself on the brink of re-electing Stevens; Young easily kept his seat; McCain won by 25 percentage points; and voter turnout somehow declined 11% since 2004, when there was no mention of Alaska in the news! HMM WEIRD HUH? Well, fear not, because the most important mammal since Abraham Lincoln, NATE “DOGG” SILVER, is going to nab the bastards with his KILLA TREND LINE REGRESSIONS and cold motherfuckin’ MATH LASER GLOCKS. Then he’ll launch those slimy pervs into space with a pop-gun because he can do that. [FiveThirtyEight, Andrew Sullivan]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 54 comments }

StrangelyBrown November 6, 2008 at 3:59 pm

I can has subject-verb agreement?

StrangelyBrown November 6, 2008 at 4:01 pm

[re=169467]StrangelyBrown[/re]: I haz it. NVRMD.

King of Pants November 6, 2008 at 4:01 pm

You’ll want a Wet Nap for your chin, there.

Kos November 6, 2008 at 4:01 pm

Nate Dogg is going to regulate.

Valerie November 6, 2008 at 4:01 pm

Really? I hadn’t heard Katherine Harris had moved to Alaska.

Doc Gerbil November 6, 2008 at 4:02 pm

Stevens needs a hot-lead enema stat!

pepe November 6, 2008 at 4:02 pm

Something very fishy (!!!) happened in Alaska. I don’t think we’ve heard the last from this magnificent “state.” Alaska is now the court jester of the USA.

demian November 6, 2008 at 4:03 pm

how much could we get for alaska?

Jim Newell November 6, 2008 at 4:03 pm

[re=169474]Kos[/re]: DAMNIT how did I miss that.

Doc Gerbil November 6, 2008 at 4:03 pm

Is Alaska in competition for Ohio and Floridas old spot?

Styrofoam Boots November 6, 2008 at 4:03 pm

It’s about time you guys start covering this. GEEEZUS!

Valerie November 6, 2008 at 4:03 pm

[re=169478]pepe[/re]: ah, yes. And to think, Louisiana’s out in the cold now.

SuperRounder November 6, 2008 at 4:03 pm

So wait. Ohio didn’t get “fixed” but Alaska did? No wonder it was a landslide. Schmidt can’t figure out how to cheat right. Morans.

magic titty November 6, 2008 at 4:05 pm

Alaska? Corrupt? I’m calling bullshit.

Does anyone think Todd and Sarah are fucking on a pile of their new clothes right now?

Lascauxcaveman November 6, 2008 at 4:05 pm

My man Nate Dogg just stone cold feedin’ those numbers into trendline models and regressin’ analySIS, and spitting out statistical analysis smokin’ guns makin’the corrupt whitey fat cats shivver, nawdahmsayin?

FreshCliches November 6, 2008 at 4:06 pm

Lyn-E-A Regression featuring Chi Squarez Analysis IN DA HOUUUUSE!!

When I say “NULL”, y’all say “HYPOTHESIS”!!!

NULL!!

Serolf Divad November 6, 2008 at 4:06 pm

Alaskans have spent the last several decades looting the U.S. treasury for their personal gain. Do you think they give a rats ass that Ted Stevens was skimming a little bit off the top for himself?

No way. I’m totally prepared to accept that they’d vote the guy back in. Hell, I’m totally prepared to accept that they’ll proclaim him King once the state declares its independence.

Senator Bateman November 6, 2008 at 4:06 pm

Who gives a shit? Just let ‘em secede already so Russia can take ‘em over. I’d like Putin to judo chop Todd Palin and then make him watch as he impregnates all the Palin women.

coolcatdaddy November 6, 2008 at 4:07 pm

Hmm… thousands of dollars of clothes purchased by Palin and Company *disappear* … suddenly, the votes seem really off in Alaska…

Hmm… should we be looking for shopping bags from Saks spread all over the tundra as booty for vote fixin’?

druranium November 6, 2008 at 4:08 pm

SECEDE! SECEDE!

TGY November 6, 2008 at 4:08 pm

Too late. The moose have spoken.

blader November 6, 2008 at 4:08 pm

Ahhh….a tale as old as time, showing you can take Alaska out of Russia, but you can never take the Russia out of Alaska

Advocatus_Diaboli November 6, 2008 at 4:09 pm

Is it something about being on the corner of the country that makes a state unable to vote correctly? First Florida, now Alaska. Will Maine and all the brown people on the Baja Peninsula be next?

bfstevie November 6, 2008 at 4:10 pm

Would this be a good time to say something mean about Bill Kristol?

Itsjustme November 6, 2008 at 4:11 pm

[re=169482]demian[/re]: But it on Ebay….

dano November 6, 2008 at 4:12 pm

Yeah, I read about this earlier today on fivethirtyeight. You can run, but you can’t hide from math.

elcapitan November 6, 2008 at 4:12 pm

[re=169495]Senator Bateman[/re]: Let Alaska secede and we can buy Iceland at a bargain so that we don’t have to buy new flags.

Win. Win.

JadedDIssonance November 6, 2008 at 4:16 pm

Palin has never been good on the maths. Neither is Alaska.

“I have absolutely no intention of engaging in any of the negativity because this has been all positive for me for what I believe in, the values that I represent and the progress that I wanna see America be able to make,” Palin said when asked about post-election finger-pointing. “Just absolutely no time for the pettiness. And that’s kinda just the way I’m wired. I don’t have time for that.”

“This is an historic moment. Barack Obama has been elected president,” Palin added. “And God bless Barack Obama and his beautiful family and the new administration coming in. It is time that we all pulled together and worked together and America’s going to reach her destiny.”

Even her Prepositional Phrases don’t add up.

Canmon (the Inadequate) November 6, 2008 at 4:17 pm

Maybe the fact that the Presidential election was already virtually decided by the time Alaskans drove home kept some left-leaning voters from bothering to vote. At that time Pennsylvania had been decided and Obama was leading in Florida (and I think at one point in Georgia as well).

Jukesgrrl November 6, 2008 at 4:17 pm

[re=169475]Valerie[/re]: Katie Harris moved to Alaska when she heard they tattooed the make-up on up there. She now has time to manage the Fredrick’s of Hollywood Superstore in addition to fixing elections.

dwarf74 November 6, 2008 at 4:21 pm

Yes. We definitely need more Herbert J. Kornfeld jokes.

problemwithcaring November 6, 2008 at 4:22 pm

And history was so close to forgiving William Seward…

Custerwolf November 6, 2008 at 4:23 pm

[re=169494]Serolf Divad[/re]: I completely agree. Having lived in the state for over 6 years (Kenai, Juneau, and Fairbanks) – and having left it because it was too full of rejects from the deep south, I totally buy the fact that Alaskans would vote Stevens back in. He’s their mob boss. He gets things done in D.C. What the fuck do they care if he’s a dishonest, sleazebag, wrinkled up ballsack?

Custerwolf November 6, 2008 at 4:25 pm

Maybe Sarah gathered up all her fancy threads and is out looking for a few lucky moose she can dress.

ky-jellydonuts November 6, 2008 at 4:26 pm

[re=169504]bfstevie[/re]: Silly question. That’s like asking if it’s a good time to start drinking.

4tehlulz November 6, 2008 at 4:27 pm

Florida is pissed because Alaska is stealing its shtick for rank corruption and stupidity.

Senator Bateman November 6, 2008 at 4:28 pm

[re=169508]elcapitan[/re]: Yes!

Serolf Divad November 6, 2008 at 4:29 pm

[re=169534]Custerwolf[/re]:

If anything they’re probably surprised at his self-denial: “You’ve looted billions from the U.S. treasury and all you’ve personally got to show for it is the wrap-around porch on your log cabin?” I mean the guy’s practically an ascetic monk, for God’s sake.

ManchuCandidate November 6, 2008 at 4:30 pm

At this point can’t you guys just kick out Alaska?

andmeilikethesauce November 6, 2008 at 4:33 pm

And Herbert “Tha H Dogg” Kornfeld gives mad propz…

Giant Robot November 6, 2008 at 4:37 pm

Nate Dogg deserves a rest. Let’s send Custerwolf…

The Gordo November 6, 2008 at 4:37 pm

[re=169491]magic titty[/re]: No. I’m not thinking that, because if I did I’d have to gouge my own fucking eyes out.

*shudder*

Meth Lab for Cutie November 6, 2008 at 4:38 pm

what can one person do against such an array of corrupt power? we are just pawns on the chese board …

Serolf Divad November 6, 2008 at 4:50 pm

[re=169560]ManchuCandidate[/re]:

Yeah, but then come next Republican administration we’d just have to invade them for their oil, so it’s not really worth it.

Custerwolf November 6, 2008 at 4:54 pm

Whenever I hear Don Young’s name mentioned it brings to mind an Alaska Geographic book I read about 25 years ago. It was a book beautifully illustrated with photos of native wildlife, accompanied by factual info and personal anecdotes. One such story was written by Don Young. I can’t remember the exact details, but the basic gist went like this….”While out hunting caribou one winter I spotted a beautiful black wolf trotting out of the trees. The wolf was completely unaware of my presence so I continued to watch it’s majestic figure wandering about in the falling snow. Then, since I had an extra bullet with me, I shot it.” He is a fat ugly prick who has stacks of kiddie porn tucked away under his belly fat. In the photo he looks like he’s goona splode all over his pathetic-assed wife. She deserves it.

Custerwolf November 6, 2008 at 4:56 pm

[re=169579]Meth Lab for Cutie[/re]: I think you meant prawns on the cheese board.

Itsjustme November 6, 2008 at 5:22 pm

[re=169576]The Gordo[/re]: Yes, “Eye Gouging” that was what I was trying to put into words.

Internally valid November 6, 2008 at 5:39 pm

Just made a trendline with my sweet PC
on a mission trying to prove my hypotheses
Seen a quirk in the ‘quation gonna need to tweak
all you skirts know what’s up with 538

V572625694 November 6, 2008 at 5:44 pm

[re=169607]Custerwolf[/re]: “I spotted a beautiful black wolf trotting out of the trees…. Then, since I had an extra bullet with me, I shot it.”

You mean everyone doesn’t shoot beautiful things whenever they can? That’s what the Second Amendment is about!

Dawn Keipuntsh November 6, 2008 at 6:00 pm

[re=169491]magic titty[/re]: Happy Pre-Birthday to Zamboni, emerging totally clueless on July 5, 2009

BlindHabaneroJefferson November 6, 2008 at 6:27 pm

[re=169493]FreshCliches[/re]: rejected!

Weeping Jesus November 6, 2008 at 10:08 pm

[re=169514]JadedDIssonance[/re]: I can’t believe that fuckhead McCain wouldn’t let her do her secession…er…concession speech. Would have been a treat.

Stealth Liberal November 7, 2008 at 12:41 am

God, I am SO GLAD some other state can be the fuckup state now so that people will slow down with the Florida jokes now.

Internally valid November 7, 2008 at 3:07 am

[re=170074]Stealth Liberal[/re]: Haha. Florida still sucks. They finally voted democrat, but only when it didn’t matter. Fucking stupid fucking Florida. Everyone there should die. (Sorry grandpa)

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