hippies count so slow

Oregon Gives Dems Another Commie Senator

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they always cross from the left.Democrat Jeff Merkley has beaten likable moderate Republican Senator Gordon Smith in Oregon, so Chairman Black Mao is a step closer to the filibuster-proof 60-seat majority that will soon force the conversion of all Americans to gay-married Muslims who work in the poop mines far beneath the Earth, forever. So scary!

Smith, who had become an eloquent opponent of the Iraq Occupation in recent years, still had a backwards “R” carved into his face, so he lost, because Oregon is overrun with wacky libtards, drinking their microbrews while riding unicorn-horned mountain bikes to their gay weddings every day, in the rain.

Merkley won 48.4% to Smith’s 46%, and Smith conceded this morning. The last ballots to be counted were all from a town called Liberalville in urban Obama County, where the population is 98.7% half-muslin.

Obama carried Oregon 57.42%-40.8%.

Oregon Unofficial Election Results
Democrat Merkley takes Oregon Senate seat [CNN]

About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

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  • SelfDeprecatingFed

    Jeff Merkley and Gordon Smith…

    I’d be more satisfied if the candidates were Merkley Gordon and Jeff Smith, as long as Saxby Chamblis stayed the hell out of it!

  • Son of Mark Penn

    Smith spent the last two years running away from that R. He should have started sooner.

  • NewSpence

    Fun Fact: Gordon Smith is a second cousin to the Udall cousins, our new senators from Colorado and “New” Mexico. The Udalls are the jack Mormon branch, the Smiths the gospel Mormons. I choose to see this loss as Hippy Oregon’s revenge for Prop 8.

  • problemwithcaring

    Wow, 46% of voters in Oregon liked the Republican? Pork must be niiiice.

  • V572625694

    It’s all the weed they’re smoking that makes ’em count the ballots so slow. Plus Hopey’s big rally in Portland last spring (with the Decembrists as his opening act) was decisive, finally.

  • Ken Layne

    [re=169214]problemwithcaring[/re]: Outside of the cites, Oregon is very redneck — from the loggers on the coast to the ranchers on the desert stretching out to Idaho.

  • magic titty

    Moderate, schmoderate.
    Someone hand Smith his Forty Hadith and tell him to wash his feet while facing south side Mecca.
    No one can see your tears in the rain, Gordon.

  • NoWireHangers

    If we get to 60, I’m taking a champagne shower.

  • azw88

    Great news for the Dems in general, a little bitter-sweet for the Udall Cousins. Smith is another cousin. Would have been interesting to see 3 cousins in the senate.

    I wish one of Mo’s kids would run for Congress again in AZ. Mo was one of my childhood heroes and is still my political Idol.

  • Serolf Divad

    Surely you’re referring to the spice mines of Kessel?

  • Nathan Arizona Sr.

    They count so slow because Peoples Republic of Oregon election officials are also board members of Oregon NORML.

  • loudmouthredhead

    [re=169214]problemwithcaring[/re]: Pork: In Alaska, it’s the ONLY white meat. In Oregon…um…not sure.


  • V572625694

    [re=169214]problemwithcaring[/re]: Timber interests and desert rats like the Republicans. Poor little Oregon hardly gets any pork, only two Interstate highways, no big military stuff

  • Ken Layne

    [re=169222]azw88[/re]: I’m pretty sure every white guy in the mountain west is a cousin of the Udalls.

  • jagorev

    Plus, North Carolina has also gone commie. That’s practically part of real America, also.

  • loudmouthredhead

    [re=169223]Serolf Divad[/re]: Or possibly Dune? Mwa-deeb!

  • Serolf Divad

    [re=169219]Ken Layne[/re]:

    I think the only two places you’ll find open minded rural dwellers of liberal political leanings are (1) Lake Woebegone in the state of NPR, and (2) movies about fictional disabled lesbian farmers of color that make a big splash at Sundance then go on to play at arthouses throughout the country pulling in a respectable $1906.30 on their opening weekend.

  • NewSpence

    [re=169232]Ken Layne[/re]: I’m a cousin of the Udalls!

  • norbizness

    Gordon Smith was the one who was actively trying to look like he was part of Barack’s posse, right? TOO FUCKING BAD, POSEUR. At least you saw the inevitability of re-education camps, Mr. Anderson.

  • shortsshortsshorts

    [re=169232]Ken Layne[/re]: This is Udall country.

  • facehead

    OT random hilarity from the Denver state senate race:


    And no, the image isn’t photo-shopped:


  • everfade

    Can we have our gay weddings IN the poop mines?

  • N8Ma

    Now he can hottub with Lincoln Chaffee…

    Should’ve booked The Decembrists for his rallies.

    “Vote for the Udall nearest you…”

  • wx insider

    [re=169253]everfade[/re]: No. But guns and bibles are permitted

  • PerhapsSo

    [re=169212]NewSpence[/re]: What is with all these Mormon Dems in the Senate?

    Also, from wiki, Mark Udall went to my high school. It was about 30 years before I went there, but still, I’m feeling quite special now.

  • jagorev

    [re=169268]PerhapsSo[/re]: Hey, Mark Udall went to my college! You and I are practically like second cousins twice removed of Gordon Smith.

  • Serolf Divad


    WTF, did the voting take place at McDonalds?

  • N8Ma

    [re=169268]PerhapsSo[/re]: Yeah now Harry Reid and Orrin Hatch will probably get assigned to home teach both Udalls (which is where Mormons keep an eye on one another, in a milk-and-cookies kind of way, no renditions), which should be interesting since NewSpence is right, these Udalls be rebels.

  • StupidGeek

    Way to go Commies! Although, this makes me a little sad that the little guy with the bottle-opener arm didn’t win in the primaries.

  • facehead

    [re=169252]facehead[/re], [re=169277]Serolf Divad[/re]: O dear, I made it sound like Denver is a state, when everyone knows it is the capital of Africa.

  • NewSpence

    [re=169268]PerhapsSo[/re]: They are more palatable then liberal hippies in somewhat socially conservative states in the west. It’s hard to make a “abortion-loving gay pothead hollywood pornographer” argument against a Mormon. Though to be clear, the Udalls are Mormon in ancestry, I don’t think any of them are active LDS. I heard rumors when I lived in Santa Fe that Tom would show up from time to time at church, but I never saw him there on my infrequent visits. Apostates!

  • jagorev

    [re=169252]facehead[/re]: That was hilarious. Bacon v. Fries was always going to be a one-sided contest though. Now, Bacon vs. Cheese might be a different matter.

  • PerhapsSo

    [re=169274]jagorev[/re]: Today, we are all Udalls.

  • PortlandSmartAss

    One reason the counting is so slow is they were swamped … 83% voter turnout in Portland. But 50,000 people who voted for Obama didn’t vote for Merkley. Incidentally, you may remember that Merkley’s primary opponent, Steve Novick, got a nice nod from Wonkette back in May, with his clever ad about opening a beer with his hook.

    Gordon Smith pretended he was buds with Obama, until Obama did an ad (allegedly the only one he did for someone else), endorsing Merkely.

    We’ve all been hitting “refresh” on our vote tally screens for the last two days. Merkely causes carpal tunnel.

  • Petticoatjunction

    Phonebanking here in Oregon, I found that even Democrats who had voted for Merkley didn’t know his name, which is an unattractive one, kind of a combination of “Merkin” and “Hinckley.” He has zero charisma, it was a negative campaign on both sides which made a lot of people skip that line on their 100% mail-in ballot… but he still just managed to beat the pea-packer. Oregon keeps electing Wyden, also charisma-deficient, so maybe it’s simply the pro-dork vote here and we don’t want a Senator with good hair anymore. Plus many of the non-suburban towns scattered through Oregon are unicorn-worshipping hazelnut-latte-sucking wiccan strongholds — Ashland, Bend, Corvallis, Hood River, the coast towns, etc. You also find that in Colorado & New Mexico but we are bluer than them.

  • Fly-over Correspondent

    [re=169294]NewSpence[/re]: Does that mean he won’t invade the homes of loving lesbian couples and tear up their marriage certificates?

  • NewSpence

    [re=169334]Fly-over Correspondent[/re]: Let us hope. Since the term for inactive Mormons is “Jack Mormon”, can we call the active Mormons “Jack-off Mormons”?

  • JamesMichaelCurley

    [re=169219]Ken Layne[/re]: “Twisting and stopping and slowly untwisting in the gusting rain, eight or ten feet above the flood’s current, a human arm, tied at the wrist, (just the arm; look) disappearing downward at the frayed shoulder where an invisible dancer performs twisting pirouettes for an enthralled audience (just the arm, turning there, above the water) … for the dogs on the bank, for the blinking rain, for the smoke, the house, the trees, and the crowd calling angrily from across the river, “Stammmper! Hey, goddamn you anyhow, Hank Stammmmmper!”

  • Terry

    [re=169240]Serolf Divad[/re]:

    What about Vermont? They have both Ben AND Jerry.

  • Doglessliberal

    “that will soon force the conversion of all Americans to gay-married Muslims who work in the poop mines far beneath the Earth, forever.”

    You forgot the required weekly abortions.

  • sadderbutnowiser

    Merkley had to overcome the constant whinging of the Boregonian, which is so far up Gordon Smith’s ass that they share all meals, about the dangers of Democratic one-party rule. Oddly, there is no evidence of this warning having been issued prior to 2006 … fuckers. They just had a big round of buyouts of employees here, partly because people are so tired of their bullshit in-the-tankness for all things Gordon Smith.

  • spontaneousabortion

    [re=169226]loudmouthredhead[/re]: Um, here it is soy-based “meat.”

  • druranium

    [re=169366]JamesMichaelCurley[/re]: I love Kesey. That book and movie was a childhood obsession of mine.[re=169240]Serolf Divad[/re]: Check out the NYT Electoral map of Vermont! So rural and pretty pretty blue. I think I might like to move there some day. California has disappointed me lately.

  • Doglessliberal

    [re=169480]druranium[/re]: and they called VT about 5 seconds after the polls closed. Not a lot of doubt there!

  • Serolf Divad


    Good call. I’d forgotten the People’s Fairtrade Agricultural FreeLove Collective Commune of Vermont.

  • yellowdogdem

    Is he related to President Merkin Muffley?

  • Cape Clod

    [re=169366]JamesMichaelCurley[/re]: Funny, I just happen to be reading “Sometimes a Great Notion” right now.

    Didn’t Washington State have a propostion on the ballot that would let them kill off dying losers like Oregon? How did that turn out?

  • Doglessliberal

    [re=169613]Cape Clod[/re]: it passed, but you need two independent medical certifications that you have 6 months to live.

  • Cape Clod

    [re=169624]Doglessliberal[/re]: If you got at least one of them from a podiatrist, would that count?

  • Odd Ass City

    [re=169613]Cape Clod[/re]: You callin’ Oregon a dying loser?

  • Lascauxcaveman

    [re=169613]Cape Clod[/re]: Prop 1000 passed with about 80% of the voters saying, “Suicide? Hell yes!” Not even close this time.

    All my Catholic friends haz a sad. One of my kids teachers actually cried while they were discussing it in class. Would have like to see that; she’s a tough ol’ bird.

  • poptimist

    [re=169318]PortlandSmartAss[/re]: yay another Portlander.

    Smith always has perfect hair, always, its crazy.

  • regisgoat

    [re=169366]JamesMichaelCurley[/re]: Ha ha. Oddly, the man who wrote that ended up in La Honda, in the state of the Treacherous Enemy of the South.