Rahm Emanuel Is Very Coy

  teases

Possible next White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel is being terribly cruel to his fan base by reminding them that he is already married, with children. “I do know something about the White House and I have children now. I have a family,” he told WLS-TV in Chicago. These “children” of his might require more of his time or something, more time than a Chief of Staff could really afford, so he might have to stick with his day job of being a huge dick to all his colleagues in the House of Representatives. Why is he playing so hard to get?

Possible theory: He has long since accepted the offer, because who says no to Barry? However, he has been instructed to eat up a few news cycles with his dithering while Obama lines up his SecDef, Secretary of Treasury, and other important administration posts. Everybody is so captivated by the ballet-dancing, steak knife-wielding, nine-and-a-half-fingered hot Chicago Jew that they don’t even notice when Obama staffs his entire cabinet with Al Sharpton.

Emanuel Ponders in Public [The Page]

Share This
 
Related video

About the author

Sara K. Smith was Wonkette's morning editor from 2008 to 2010, and now contributes a weekly (?!) column to Wonkette, to prove she still loves you all!

View all articles by Sara K. Smith

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

85 comments

  1. Wag Das Hund

    His brother Ari, on the other hand would have shown up in an American Flag diaper, and a bottle of champagne if there were rumors that he had the job.

  2. jagorev

    He’s missing half a finger? Jesus, they’re not kidding when they talk about the “Chicago-style politics”, I guess.

  3. InsidiousTuna

    [re=168885]orinos73[/re]: White House Chief of Staff doesn’t exactly set a whole lot of legislation.

  4. RadioFreeBabylon

    There are so many stories about Rahm, like the time he ate a rat so he wouldn’t be afraid of rats. Maybe that was G. Gordon Liddy. Well, what about the time when he shouted, “Sic Semper Tyrannis!” and jumped off a balcony and broke his leg? He reset the leg himself and then performed in a ballet on the stage. The guy is legendary. He is a ball-busting Chicago Jew Gangster and when someone asks him to do something, he makes them wait. Out of respect. For him. Don’t fuck with the Rahmulan.

  5. Scaggsvillain

    As a teenager, while working part-time in a fast-food restaurant, Mr Emanuel severed the middle finger on his right hand in a meat-slicing machine. After he chose to go swimming in Lake Michigan rather than go to hospital for stitches, Mr Emanuel’s wound became severely infected and, after he came close to death, the top of his finger was amputated.

    And now you know…..the REST of the story.

    Good day!

  6. Monkey

    I expect all the republitards will witness his swarthy appearance and assume that he, too, is a muslin terrorist. The irony is to fantastic for this not to come to pass.

  7. ph7

    [re=168887]jagorev[/re]: Fist-bumping accident. Hard to pull off by a jew, without something awkward happening, like the loss of half a finger.

  8. OffTheRecord

    “Ballet-dancing, steak knife-wielding, nine-and-a-half-fingered hot Chicago Jew” is the best description I have ever heard of Rahm. And oddly enough, the hottest. You are making it very difficult for me to get any work done here.

  9. Tommy Says Soooo

    Rahm will get such a chubby being that close to Hopey the Prez again that Rahm Jr will destroy the circumcision reversal operation he had to please the goys. It will sound like a window blind flapping around the roller when it yanks back.

  10. rev_matt_y

    [re=168885]orinos73[/re]: The post made me think more highly of Emmanuel, not less. His description of the quotes he pulls are at best wildly different than the actual content of the quotes, which makes my distrust Stoller. And I consider myself to be significantly to the left of the Dem mainstream.

    Chomsky for State!

  11. GDTRFB

    Rahm will keep the crazies in line. Which is exactly what we need to ensure 8 glorious years of Obama/Biden isntead of 4. Everyone knows that you wait until the very last moment to ram through all the crazy liberal shit…sort of like W is doing now with all the crazy conservative shit.

  12. jagorev

    [re=168885]orinos73[/re]: Obama won by building his own movement, centered around himself. He’s not beholden to either the “progressive” or the “centrist” wing of his party. He is his own man.

    He’ll hire folks from all over the place, including both the Center for American Progress (Podesta is already on the transition team) as well as the DLC, but he’ll do so on his own terms, and not because Katrina Vanden Heuvel or Tom Friedman thinks he should.

  13. SayItWithWookies

    Why can’t Willow babysit for him? It’s not like she won’t appreciate the practice in a few years.

  14. BitterDwarf

    [re=168885]orinos73[/re]: I think you are going to be severely dissapointed if you expect this administration to be staffed with progressives…

    I guess people are going to turn on Hopey pretty quick, huh?

    I think Emanuel is pretty fucking awesome…

  15. policonoclast

    Emmanuel would punch your grandma in the face to get a bill passed, so the dude can certainly drive an agenda.

    however, all this dicking around suggests that he hasn’t learned the lesson of Clinton’s bungled and flat-footed transition.

  16. Truculent

    Rahm Emmanuel and Tony Bordain. Notice that you never see the two of them at the same place at the same time.

    “Hello Drudge? Got a scoop on the Muslim commie for ya”

  17. InKnockYouUs

    I want to know what post these two campaign guys get: Mr. Sad-Mouth, Droopy Mustache, Looks Like an Old-time Movie Actor Axelrod, and Mr. Goolsbee, who just has a cool name.

  18. blader

    [re=168892]Scaggsvillain[/re]:

    That’s weird, because I heard he lost the finger in a freak masturbation accident

  19. jagorev

    [re=168888]InsidiousTuna[/re]: In theory, the Chief of Staff is a humble secretary and subordinate to the President’s wishes. In practice, he can be a pretty powerful force, because he’s the gatekeeper and the enforcer… should he be a less-than-honest broker, he can guide the President towards his own view of an issue.

    Fans of “Yes, Prime Minister” might recall Sir Humphry Appleby as a model for this role.

  20. jagorev

    [re=168907]BitterDwarf[/re]: Exactly… anyone who thinks Obama is interested in toeing any line (whether “progressive” or “moderate” or “liberal” or whatever) is going to be severely disappointed. This guy is not an empty suit like Bush, he’s going to chart his own goddam course.

  21. forgracie

    He needs to stop pussyfooting around and get on board post haste! Hey R.E! You’re country is calling you for service.

  22. orinos73

    @InsidiousTuna, @rev_matt_y, @BitterDwarf and @jagorev – good points all. i’m gonna go back to lurking.

  23. mattbolt

    I bet it looks really funny when he tries flipping someone off with his stub. Like he’s doing some sort of baby flip-off

  24. Rush

    [re=168906]SayItWithWookies[/re]:

    Curse you. That was my snark comment you stole from me. You must be brilliant.

  25. norbizness

    He looks like a cross between Adam Arkin and Alan Arkin. With all of Adam Arkin’s dickishness in Northern Exposure.

  26. jilly

    Why do all the knife wielding ballet dancing tough as nails Chicago Jews have to be married? If only all of Hopey’s staff could be half as hot, there would be much more reaching across the aisle, if you get my drift and I think you do.

  27. Darehead

    [re=168926]skyinator[/re]: Hahaha!

    And Barry had chosen Rahm for a running mate?

    O, Bumma’ Man, You Will?

  28. Scaggsvillain

    [re=168902]Larry Fine[/re]:

    Unfortunately not. Shortly after the amputation, “Fingers” Emanuel found some barbed wire and fashioned a finger necklace for himself, which he vowed never to take off. Man, that’s one tough Jew!

  29. shortsshortsshorts

    Dick Cheney is still in the running, I hope. I wouldn’t want him slipping back into private life… he would destroy us all.

  30. SayItWithWookies

    [re=168941]Rush[/re]: I asked if it belonged to somebody, and nobody said anything. Okay, I really kinda whispered.
    [re=168933]shnazzer[/re]: Ha. He’s about as coy as a Tri-Delt on a Saturday night. Ask twice. Bam.

  31. problemwithcaring

    [re=168886]Wag Das Hund[/re]: Srsly. Ari is friends with my boss and he was completely overbearing and intolerably obnoxious yesterday about the news. I didn’t see him yesterday, I just know that he is like that everyday.

  32. WhatTheHeck

    [re=168952]blinky_twinkie[/re]:

    That’s because…

    Obama borealis comes in view;
    Obama comes in view.

    And I R-a-h-m, I Rahm so far away.
    I just R-a-h-m, I Rahm all night and day.
    I couldnt get away.

  33. DoctorCulturae

    [re=168889]nurple[/re]: I’d like epaulets with my sash and a few of those blingy medals. One of those oversized gray woolen coats would be nice too, since Chicago is a windy city.

    Maybe Chicago can be renamed Obamagrad?

  34. Cape Clod

    [re=168924]jagorev[/re]: Appleby was far more smooth and manipulative that “Ramuel”. I actually like having a gatekeeper with the attitude of Ceribus.

  35. Tommy Says Soooo

    [re=168969]problemwithcaring[/re]: Tell him you’re friends with Jeremy Piven and watch his head explode.

  36. Wag Das Hund

    [re=168969]problemwithcaring[/re]: Assuming you live in LA like me, where no one can escape the ego.

  37. DoctorCulturae

    Coy? I think it’s called negotiation and for the Rahmulan no one is immune. Welcome to RahmmyWorld!

  38. illnoise

    I’m just pissed because Rahm is my congressman and they’ll probably replace him with someone I don’t like. I’m a big fan.

    He’s maybe a dick, but he’s a dick for *our* side. It’s actually maybe even fair to compare him to a democratic Karl Rove, but hopefully Manny will actually obey the law (and “Chief of Staff” is a far more accountable position for someone like that than whatever Rovey’s ambiguous and unaccountable job title was. I think it makes sense to have a “bad cop” in that position to take some heat off Obama, especially if Barry follows through on his promises and picks some cabinet members that haven’t entirely drunk his kool-aid, Manny can help keep them in line. He’s a dealmaker, for sure, he makes things happen.

  39. tank this

    @Illinoise I was just coming to complain about the same thing. The people listed as possible replacements are total asshats. I’ve moved 3 times since ’02 with the only geographic restriction being that i want to stay in his district. boo.

  40. DustBowlBlues

    [re=168957]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: “Dick Cheney is still in the running, I hope. I wouldn’t want him slipping back into private life… he would destroy us all.”

    This assumes that someone will be able to make it through the labyrinth tunnel that leads to the Veep’s bunker. In case this day came, he’s installed air jets designed to pump gas into the White House. Not mustard gas, nitrous oxide. The Obama team won’t get a thing done because they’ll be laughing all the time and, eventually, impeached because they are just too silly.

    BTW–The Obama-Biden sign I bootlegged in front of the pentecostal church was still there Tues. AM. Didn’t do a damn thing to help the vote in OK, but made me happy. That’s something. And I win best bootlegged sigh, you betcha’, wink, wink.

  41. DustBowlBlues

    [re=168889]nurple[/re]: “Wonkette Comentariat”

    Wonkette what? I knew you were all commies–wait till Rep. Bachman hears about this. She is going to go all HUAC on your ass.

  42. TARDNFETTERED

    Considering his new post he would likely be eligible for a fabulous television makeover where maybe they would talk him into an eyeshadow that wasn’t Transylvania Aubergine.

  43. ladymacbeth

    [re=168904]jagorev[/re]: [re=168885]orinos73[/re]: ]: i was going to make a comment about
    barry not governing from the left / not being an idealogue / this being the best kept secret in politics.

    never mind. you said it better and i’m late as usual.

  44. keriveri

    I love Rahm. He makes my heart go pitter-patter. Two years of Chinese water torture by campaign to be rewarded by Sasha and Malia in the Rose Garden and a daily diet of Rahmbo… Delicious sigh. Life is grand.

  45. TexasCowGirl

    I am pleased that the hot as Hell, badass Jew has accepted the HNIC’s proposal. This shit is off to a great start. Hot, hot , hot all around. Please Barry give us the hot peepaw General Clark as Sec of Defense or National Security Advisor. Pretty please with broen sugar on top?

  46. magnum

    The omniscient Wikipedia claims that Rahmbo’s middle name is ISRAEL! How in the hell can one man be so Hebrew and yet completely safe around that Muslin? Are these Jews so terristy that they plan on destroying their own stinking corpse from the inside out? These GOD damned Arabs are confusing.

  47. Dreamer

    [re=168885]orinos73[/re]: I think Hopey chose him just to punish him. He will be surrounded by a bunch of Israel hating terrorist sympathizer commies – this will torture this former IDF. Or Hopey needs him out of the Congress so that he does not block his agenda. I am still trying to come to term with this choice!!!

  48. jagorev

    [re=169464]magnum[/re]: So the the three top men in the executive branch will have “Hussein”, “Israel”, and “Robinette” as their middle names. They will be replacing Walker, Brewster, and Bruce. Change has come to America.

  49. rontowns25

    What an amazing time in American history. Dreams do come true! Did you all see how Oprah Winfrey revealed this week that she uses a vision board to visualize her goals and harness the power of intention? Oprah created a vision board, months ago, that emphasized Obama as president and the gown she intended to wear during his imagined inauguration.

    FYI, a vision board is collage of image that symbolizes a desired outcome. By looking at these images daily and imagining these desired outcomes – like accomplishing a goal – your brain becomes more honed in to making this reality. Many top athletes, entrepreneurs, presidents, and philanthropists have used vision boards to help them accomplish their goals.

    I know that on http://www.TheVisionBoardKit.com you can download a free chapter that includes the eight basic ingredients of a successful vision board.

  50. Monyneen

    Thw gay fish guy . WOW things are really looking DIM ,exceot for that UGLY dress that M . Obama wore . UGH

Comments are closed.