John McCain Goes Back To Cookin’ Ribs

  worth the cooking for

The Mac is back!It does not sound like John McCain is terribly bummed about losing the election. Who can blame him? Just 72 hours ago he was staring down the barrel of four terrible years of Congressional gridlock, war, an economic depression, and co-governing with an aggressively stupid wingnut who could not manage a clothing budget, let alone an actual budget. But now John McCain can reclaim his old mantle of Noble, Doomed Loser and spend weekends at his swank Sedona ranch, quietly throwing back some of Cindy’s sedatives and plotting how he will romance his way back into journalists’ (and America’s!) hearts.

It begins, of course, with ribs. And dry rubs.

He will cook a beautiful feast for his many journalist friends, and he will say he is very happy with how he ran his campaign and does not know how he could have done better. And then six months from now, he will publish yet another memoir, “co-authored” with Mark Salter, and he will admit in mournful, stuffy iambs how much he regrets sacrificing his Honor in his attempt to win the presidency.

“I made decisions unbecoming of the highest office, such as nominating a running mate who could not find North America on a map,” he will write, “and for this I am truly sorry, and pray that America may clutch me to her bosom once again; I am her humble servant; she is worth the fighting for; I am creeping you all out by talking about America like she is a lady.”

All will be forgiven as America once again remembers how John McCain is just like Robert Jordan, who gave his life in support of Communism’s noble cause. Then John McCain will retire and cook more ribs.

 
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McCain at ease after loss [Politico]

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Sara K. Smith was Wonkette's morning editor from 2008 to 2010, and now contributes a weekly (?!) column to Wonkette, to prove she still loves you all!

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70 comments

  1. nurple

    I will happily buy him all the Old Milwaukee he can drink. He should get a nice fat reality show and be drunk all the time an AMERICA WILL WUVVS HIM!

  2. monty

    i already know the title

    “How i drove the straight talk express into the ditch, Life on the campaign trail and other sundry stories about john mccain and his choice of an ignorant twat for VP”

    i know its lobng but if dick “tard” morris can get away with it….

    besides its mavericky

  3. ThePuckStopsHere

    I’d tell John to suck it and suck it hard for running the least honorable campaign in presidential history, but that wouldn’t be gracious and we must be gracious, mustn’t we? The perfect metaphor for this campaign was on election night where Wlanuts was surrounded by his little crowd of rich people at a glitzy resort in Scottsdale while at a public park in Chicago Barry’s audience was We the People, stretching out to the horison, as far as the eye could see.

  4. ManchuCandidate

    Or it will come out that John McCain is indeed Robert Jordan. A man who saw the abyss and realized that he must allow the best man to win. So he sacrificed his own political ambitions and became what he hated the most by hiring the worst of Rove’s thugs and courting the pigfuckers. By letting loose their hatred, stupidity and gross incompetence on the unsuspecting US America, he helped defeat the monster that led US America down the path to ruin and thus buy valuable time for Barry to do what he needed to do.

    Naaaaaaaaahhh.

  5. BruceLee5000

    [re=168712]monty[/re]: it’s a good start, but how about, “…other sundry trollopy stories…”

  6. Diefenbaked

    “Mournful, stuffy iambs” are good eatin’, especially when prepared in the Sedona style. (Marinate in hubris and choler for five and a half years.)

  7. Serolf Divad

    Seriously guys, you have no idea how lucky we are that Barry won. Two years from now, John McCain will not only not know how many houses he owns, but even which house he’s in at any given moment.

    John: Are we in Arizona, dear?
    Cindy: Now, John, we’re in our Palm Beach condo.
    John: Oh, because I was wondering what my big wicker chair was doing in Arizona.
    Cindy: That’s because we’re in Palm Beach, dear. That’s where you have the wicker chair.
    John: Oh… you sure we’re not in Taos?
    Cindy: No, dear, we’re in Palm Beach. The condo. I told you. Now would you like a peanut butter and banana sandwich?
    John: Yes, that sounds good. And after we’ll go out and take a look at the horses.
    Cindy: We’re in Palm Beach, dear, not the ranch. The condo in Palm Beach the horses are in Arizona.
    John: Oh. I thought it was strange… the wicker chair being here and all.

  8. Neon Trotsky

    He’s cooking ribs so he doesn’t have to serve all the muslins and jews that are taking over the government soon…

  9. Terry

    [re=168714]ThePuckStopsHere[/re]:

    The “we the people” types that were attracted to his campaign tended to be at Palin’s rallies yelling things like “kill him” and the n word. Would you want to be surrounded by those folks?

  10. ph7

    Cindy’s vagina can be placed back on ice, as well.

    Walnuts is just relieved that Cindy and her won’t be forced to share a bedroom in D.C. Just keep sending the checks, honey.

  11. Sussemilch

    [re=168714]ThePuckStopsHere[/re]: Nope. No need to be gracious. John bought lady liberty a few drinks and lent her a sympathetic ear, and whispered the things she wanted to hear, then took her to a sleazy motel and if good samaritan Hopey hadn’t been there to bust it up, she’s be a broken mess working at a crappy diner wondering what her walnuts babies would look like when they hatch.

  12. Chicken Smack

    He needs to change his recipe. The Republicans got a dry rub the other night, and it chafes a little bit.

  13. gjdodger

    But the problem is John met Militant Nationalism in a bar and she winked at him while she was only wearing a towel, and he told America he wanted a divorce because after eight years of Bush, geez, America was really kind of homely. But now Militant Nationalism has told him she really only wanted John for his Neiman Marcus card, so now he’s going to come crawling back to America and beg her to take him back. Hey, they aren’t all gorgeous cougars with billion dollar inheritances, John.

  14. Charlie Tuna

    Ok, I get it now.

    He knew damn well this was his last chance to run and he would never, ever, ever, win. So why not take the hard core bible thumping wing of the GOP that hates him anyway, under the bus with him?

    He wanted Liberman, who does he pick?

    Sarah Palin.

    She is a cariacture of the polar opposite of Liberman. Liberman is educated, centrist, qualified, turncoat, worldly, connected, etc., etc.

    McCain is brilliant in a suicide bomber kind of way. If he couldn’t win with the VP he really wanted, he would blow it up with a pick that holds a carnival fun house mirror up to the ugliest factions within the GOP.

    Brilliant!!!

    Or, maybe he was just pandering. Yeah.

  15. Cape Clod

    All will be forgiven between me and McCain if he carries through on his promise to cut pork barrel spending… for Alaska.

    “My Friends, why do we send billions of dollars of taxpayer money to a state that earns billions in oil revenues only to turn around and redistribute that wealth, socialist-style, to a bunch of lazy, worthless, slackers looking to subsidize their meth habits with a government hand out?”

  16. Tommy Says Soooo

    [re=168729]Serolf Divad[/re]: Win. “Waiting for Goiter” coming to a dinner theater near you. I likes it.

  17. Tommy Says Soooo

    [re=168739]Sara K. Smith[/re]: What do you mean by “YOU”? Hennnnnnngh? And “PEOPLE”? Not you, Joe, I’m talking to THAT ONE.

  18. 4tehlulz

    I maintain that WALNUTS is biding his time, waiting for Sarah Barracuda to win the special election for senator when Ted Stevens gets stuffed in a tube back to AK.

    He will then make sure that every rider for AK porkbarrel gets defeated, and will do it in a way that Sarah can’t avoid supporting it.

    That’s change he can believe in.

  19. TGY

    “I got nine racks of ribs,” McCain told his closest aide and co-author, Mark Salter. “And I will be cooking them up.”

    Nice rack, John.

    Anyways, this means he’ll never have to pander to anyone again, ’cause he’ll definitely be too old for preznit in 2012. He can get back to casting asparagus (or whatever) at Dobson and Falwell’s legacy.

  20. Tra

    And John will sorrowfully say he didn’t really mean it, and we will all forgive him, while all the people he convinced that Obama was a “socialist” will spend the next several years screaming and doing everything they can to make life miserable — I’m watching it happen right now, with a few people I know. So John, this time, take your apology and go fuck yourself. All your campaign did was make life a little worse for the rest of us.

  21. ClueHeywood

    Here in Phoenix, local news had the obligatory “what a difference a day makes” stories, showing McCain driving himself out of a condo complex (one of seven?) on his way to “Sedona” (technically, Cornville). The Schadenfreude was delicious. Then they showed Cindy driving her red convertible Smart Car. That was a surprise. I hope she was good to drive.

  22. 4tehlulz

    [re=168801]Tra[/re]: And you know what? Fuck them. They are not to be accommodated, “won over”, or coddled. The people screaming “socialist” “Muslim” etc. need to be isolated and treated with the contempt they deserve for trying to drive this country into the abyss.

    I am not going through the 1990s again. Fuck that.

  23. rev_matt_y

    [re=168759]Charlie Tuna[/re]: I prefer your theory. I respected McCain at least somewhat until he started being a toady for Bush. Then the whole campaign made my lose all respect for him. If it turned out to be a sabotage operation then all is forgiven :)

    Also: to those saying this was the least honorable campaign in history have no recollection of 2000 or 1988, let alone the truly vicious campaigns of the 1800′s.

  24. That Evening Sun

    Be sure to slather wet sauce on America’s bosom while you’re there, Johnny Mac. A dry rub would be completely inappropriate for breast meat.

  25. hey, bookish!

    y’know, just cookin’ up some remaindered moose steaks on the ol’ grill here, my friends…

    …henngh, wazzat? her? oh, she’s onna plane back to…uh…back to…

    …guys? little help here, arm is stuck again…thanks…

    …oh, no. henngh, henngh, that would just be, noooooo, nooooooooo, i wouldn’t ever throw her under the bus…

    (*and then onto my weber*) what? no! henngh, just a joke, that’s all! c’mon, you guys!

    ahem. cindy? bring me another real american beer, sweetheart…….ahhhh, tastes like vic–oh wait…

  26. Lascauxcaveman

    [re=168729]Serolf Divad[/re]: You, Sir, have a deft hand with dialogue.

    If they contracted you to write McCain’s next book, rather than Salter, I might actually read it.

  27. Kingbee

    Now that he’s finished using Cindy as a bobble-head doll at his speeches, I expect that John’s main challenge will be trying to romance himself back into lobbyists’ underpanties.

  28. Charlie Tuna

    McCain is painfully aware of how old he is. Google the “before” and “after” photos of the last 10 presidents. Even the single termers like Carter or 41 aged like crazy. Either he knew he wasn’t going to win and wanted to even up with the South Carolina crowd from 2000, or he had a plan to whack her Spiro Agnew 25th Amendment smack down style.

    In the end McCain did sell his soul to the devil, then hugged said devil during a photo op.

    But I have to believe he still has a sense of humor, albeit a dark and disturbing one.

  29. messickc (ROLL TIDE!)

    [re=168715]ManchuCandidate[/re]: That thought actually, seriously crossed my mind. The McCain of 2008 was not the same as the McCain of 2000– then, who I could have actually seriously looked at as a viable choice for office. He seemed to be a puppet of Karl Rove & Co., LLC this go round, and maybe he grew tired of that and Palin toward the end?

  30. azw88

    Ok, time for a little STRAIGHT TALK here, as Johnny-Mac was so fond of saying on the campaign trail, his ‘Ranch’ is NOT A RANCH!! The only Cattle are the dead ones on his bbq grill! And it is NOT is Sedona! It is in CORNVILLE!

    Can’t blame him, Sedona sounds so much hipper than Cornville. Maybe he was hoping the mystical powers that surround Sedona would rub off on his campaign by invoking that name.

  31. V572625694

    [re=168839]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: Second the props to [re=168729]Serolf Divad[/re] for fine dialog. I think Salter’s losing it. His concession speech for Panamanian pussy Juan McCain started off very well, then went on and on and on…

  32. slavojzizek

    John McCain has already been forgiven. Happened as soon as he demonstrated he was in the tank for Obama by graciously conceding about two seconds after the polls closed on Tuesday. At some point he realized he made a mistake picking Palin, and his famous ‘civic duty’ kicked in, and he knew it would be best if Obama won.

  33. Maus

    [re=168759]Charlie Tuna[/re]: “He knew damn well this was his last chance to run and he would never, ever, ever, win. So why not take the hard core bible thumping wing of the GOP that hates him anyway, under the bus with him?”

    His entire life, his only concern seems to have been to be seen as honorable, to live up to the family name without putting the effort forth to actually BE honorable.

    Nobody calls him on his weasel ways when he surrounds himself with yes-men (and in this case, yes-women.)

  34. DangerousLiberal

    [re=168714]ThePuckStopsHere[/re]: Somebody here doesn’t remember the 1968 Nixon campaign. You know, where Henry the K helped stall the Paris Peace Talks until Nixon was elected, so that he could waste six more years and 20k more Americans and god knows how many more Vietnamese. We got
    “peace with honor” out of that deal, also known as “the decent interval.” Oh, and My Lai, and the Christmas Bombing campaign, and Kent State, and…..

    Christ, John McCain is a saint compared to Tricky Dick, may he (not) rest in peace.

  35. Maus

    [re=168815]4tehlulz[/re]: Shame them until we “break” Limbaugh, Hannity, Beck, and the like.

    Sadly, they’re fully gullible and consumerist enough to still remain a lucrative advertising market for all sorts of homeopathic creams, magnet-stabilizing cancer cures, and snake oil bullshit.

  36. ivenson

    [re=168760]Cape Clod[/re]: We give an awful lot of money to nations that, frankly, don’t like us very much. Nations like Alaska.

  37. ivenson

    [re=169170]slavojzizek[/re]: “John McCain has already been forgiven. Happened as soon as he demonstrated he was in the tank for Obama by graciously conceding about two seconds after the polls closed on Tuesday.”

    I’m concerned Tra is right….

    The dipshit racist fundies who suddenly felt empowered to let the world view the contents of their sweaty minds will now feel that they are sainted victims (like Hillary’s diehard bitterz) cast out of power by a guy that SOME OF THEM ACTUALLY BELIEVE IS THE ANTICHRIST.

    As much credit as I gave him the night of the concession speech….I got over it. He and his campaign acted like a pack of assholes until he lost. One speech doesn’t make up for weeks of race/religion baiting and character assassination.

    The worst part of it is the intellectual dishonesty. If McCain actually believed the things they were saying about Obama, he couldn’t in good conscience give the concession speech he did. Ergo, he dint believe it…ipso facto, Bob’s your uncle…he’s a dick.

  38. AnnieGetYourFun

    I still think Bush’s first campaign against Gore was the least honorable in presidential history. But then, it was probably the first campaign to elect a man who had the IQ of wet cement.

  39. Das Storminator

    [re=168778]FindFuckandFlee[/re]: Silly, that’s why Cindy adopted that nice girl from Indonesia or wherever.

  40. tocute2btrue

    I agree I think John won this Election after all,after meeting with Bush I have more respect for him.

  41. raider12

    [re=169189]DangerousLiberal[/re]: A little bit of correct history is in order. Nixon did not become President until Jan 1969 so Kissinger was not involved in any talks with North Vietnam in 1968. Nixon ran in 1968 saying he had “a secret plan” to end the war, which, of course, was bullshit. The Nixon/Kissinger screwing with the Paris peace talks was during the 1972 re-election campaign.

  42. FiremanSteve

    Barack Obama obviously won the election so why not everyone move forward and let things be. Grow up. Your problems are just beginning with Bama in office. Maybe you can start focusing on your eroding liberties now that the Great One has bought an election.

  43. hey, bookish!

    That’s a great idea, Steve! First on my list is repealing the “Patriot”
    Act. That’s what you meant, right? :)

  44. zhubajie

    [re=168777]TGY[/re]: Oh, I don’t know. Khomeini was 80 something when he took over Iran. Although Palin and Khomeini have more in common….

    Zhu Bajie

  45. ugogirl

    I don’t care what any lefties say, John was a hero and a hottie in his day. He’s still a hero and a bit of a warmie still.

Comments are closed.