joe the dumber

Local Idiot Plans To Get Rich With Charity Website

Go Away.Samuel Joseph Wurzelbacher, a creepy-looking unlicensed handyman in Toledo, was a comical example of how desperate the McCain team became in the final two weeks of the campaign. Because this unappealing idiot was videotaped making a brief untrue claim to Barack Obama, who happened to be campaigning in Ohio near this idiot’s home, John McCain spent his final debate either talking directly through the teevee cameras to “Joe the Plumber” or grotesquely rolling his eyes and grimacing. The next day, Wurzelbacher’s story was easily proven false, and then he proceeded to embarrass the McCain campaign almost every day until, we hoped, he completely vanished forever on Tuesday. It is time to again say good-bye to this clown of lies.

Here at Wonkette, we have a special loathing for the kind of bullshit two-news-cycle “sensations” characterized by this hydrocephalic “Joe the Plumber” nonsense. So we just ignored the brief media-created blip on the campaign-news radar and figured it would all be gone as quickly as … uh, what is a good example? Oh! You probably don’t remember this squeaking dildo of a local judge somewhere who … what, read some celebrity’s will, on teevee? Ah, right, this fat prostitute, who died somewhere. And then, inexplicably, we heard on the cable news that this nobody was angling for a television program. See, this is emblematic of the whole bogus phenomenon: You literally forget anything about these people and why their existence was ever noted.

So this “plumber” character who made all of $40,000 last year and yet wants to get himself videotaped telling Barack Obama he is actually a wealthy person engaged in the purchase of large plumbing concerns, naturally he wants to somehow transform this brief fraudulent encounter into permanent fame and riches. There was even insane talk on the Drudge Report or whatever about Wurzelbacher, this goon, pursuing a contract with a company that issues “country music” recordings.

And then there were the usual new allegations of crime and attempted perversion of the voting process, and then we’re done, right?

Not if Wurzelbacher, a talentless mook, has his way. Luckily, he won’t, because look what “his way” entails:

Mr. Wurzelbacher said he planned to launch a Web site, www.secureourdream.com, with the goal of making it a political watchdog. “We will keep a check on both the Republicans and the Democrats for not only living up to their promises, but also not let them dictate to people how to live and spend their hard-earned fortunes,” he said.

He added that he also planned to launch www.secureourdream.org, which he said will be a charity branch of the watchdog site to raise money “for all sorts of charities and causes for fellow Americans.”

When asked about how much money he would take from the site, he said: “Yes, I would make money to some degree from this charity Web site, but not a whole lot because a majority of the portion collected through this Web site would go to help fellow Americans get a decent living.”

Good god, what is this? You are done, “Joe the Plumber.” You get nothing. Good-bye.

‘Joe the Plumber’ makes plans to take his politics online [Toledo Blade]

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About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne

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118 comments

  1. emberglance

    He said yesterday afternoon he plans to create two Web sites with the motto of keeping a check on the federal and state governments and to distribute Americans’ wealth among other Americans.

    That is one snappy motto. Why not translate it into Latin?

  2. emberglance

    p.s. I loved it when this assclown tried to divert Sanchez here by saying “Listen, brother, why don’t you ask me what I’m going to do?” Sanchez ignored.

  3. slinkimalinki

    guess those cheques are going to stop mysteriously appearing in the mailbox, huh, dildohead. here’s an idea, GO DO SOME FUCKING PLUMBING.

  4. ronaldpagan

    Wouldn’t it be ironic if JTP’s 15 minutes actually put him in the upper tax bracket and then he got guillotined during Obama’s upcoming socialist revolution? Too bad no one will remember who he is by then, or we could all have a good laugh.

  5. Them

    “Here at Wonkette, we have a special loathing for the kind of bullshit two-news-cycle ‘sensations’ characterized by this hydrocephalic ‘Joe the Plumber’ nonsense.” Pure poetry.

    In the future, glomming onto the news media and yammering away endlessly even though you haven’t got so much as a feather inside your skull will be known as “pulling a Wurzelbacher.” No, wait, that’s already called “being named McCain’s running mate.” “Pulling a Wurzelbacher” will be some filthy sex act.

  6. WhatTheHeck

    When McCain was a wee little lad, they would take village idiots like Joe, sit him on a fence and throw things at him.

    Oh, if only Walnutz could roll back time and rid himself of those two village idiots, Joe and S.S.arah, who would later torment him.

  7. Texan Bulldoggette

    Where’s Anne Robinson when you need her?

    You are the weakest link. Goodbye! (& stay the hell out)

    I bet he & Bible Spice did it on the Straight Talk Express & her total cluelessness but inflated sense of self worth rubbed off hard.

  8. JohnnyMeatworth

    [re=168184]sk1win[/re]: right? Didn’t he get all kindsa pissed at someone else who suggested something like that recently? Christ, I wish I could remember who that was….

  9. Hooray For Anything

    This is a little off-topic and forgive me for saying this while out on West Coast and unable to watch TV, but is there nothing more Must See TV tonight than watching Hannity & O’Reilly?

  10. Alex Trebeks Girl

    joe 4 congress dot com u dont need a license! that moron is popular on laura ingraham only.

  11. Origami

    LOL Watch out for our “hard earned fortunes” of, uh maybe $10k in savings? If he’s lucky? Does Joe the Plumber even have savings? I thought he was taking handouts in between his teevee appearances so he can feed his baby and fill up his gas tank to drive to the wrong voting place and whatnot.

    Also, someone needs to teach Joe the Plumber how politics works.

  12. Texan Bulldoggette

    [re=168206]Origami[/re]: If he has $10K in savings, I’m Barry’s secret lover. Every extra dime he has goes to getting his head shaved & buffed at the barber.

  13. Schadenfried

    Let’s call him by his given name from now on. “Joe” is the name he uses to make himself sound all (real) American, as if he was the Everyman. What a crock of shit. Did he think “Samuel” sounded too much like teh Jew?

    I started drinking…finally.

  14. twoeightnine

    Despite rumors that I may be running for congress, or perhaps give a shot at the country music scene, I have decided to continue forward with what I have repeatedly said is my civic duty.

    HEAD ASPLODE!

  15. Origami

    Also, secureourdream.org appears to be reserved by a “Prince Uzochukwu” from fancy England. So either Joe is a secret foreign prince and he forgot to tell us OR he is controlled by the British! Or he gave interviews about a nonexistant website before he even bought the domain name.

  16. friendlynerd

    Did anyone actually go to his shit-tastic website? It’s precious.

    I’m torn – on one hand I don’t want to increase traffic to it, but on the other hand if we flood it, maybe he’ll get slapped with a gigantic hosting bill?

  17. friendlynerd

    OHMIGOD look at this comment on the story from someone called “Ty Coon”

    I farm with my brothers,Ihave no license to farm,therefore,to idiots,I am NOT a farmer.My mechanic has NO license to be one,therefore,to dupes,he is NOT a mechanic.My father was a R.R. conductor,he had NO license therefore,to buffoons,he was NOT a r.r.conductor.The Mexicans who roofed my union neighbors home,had no license,therefore,to twinks,they were NOT roofers.See, I can as stupid as the below contributors ,whose HATRED for common man Joe, is apparent,and sickening!
    – Posted by Ty Coon on Wed, Nov 5, 2008, 6:58 pm EST [report this comment]

    Twinks? Blowvember indeed

  18. Origami

    [re=168220]Origami[/re]: Eek! I forgot there was an “s.” How silly of me not to think REAL AMERICANS like Joe the Plumber (and various other whites) have multiple dreams.

  19. President Beeblebrox

    Joe the Pl… hey, who was that guy, anyway?

    By the way, I never did get the 32 “I’M ____ THE ____ DON’T TAX MEEEEE!!!11″ signs that I asked the friendly McPalin website to make for me. I want my imaginary money back.

  20. AngryBlakGuy

    …if there is a God this guy will suffer a massive stroke and spend the rest of his life in a vegetative state so that we never have to see or hear him EVER AGAIN!!!

  21. President Beeblebrox

    He’s already got his vanity-published book ready to roll. Tick, tick, Joe, your 15 minutes are almost up!

    http://tinyurl.com/JoeTheDoucheNozzle

    Joe The Plumber – Fighting for the American Dream (Paperback)
    $14.95

    “Joe The Plumber” – Fighting for the American Dream (Paperback slated for release December 1, 2008)

    ***SPECIAL OFFER***

    By demonstrating your support for Joe Wurzelbacher “Joe The Plumber” you will automatically be enrolled as a Freedom Member for one year, which includes:

    1) Total Access to “Joe The Forum” where you may chat directly with Joe
    2) Subscription to the “Joe The Blog” monthly newsletter
    3) Free Shipping on all “Joe The Plumber” merchandise
    4) Free Signed Copy of Joe’s forthcoming book “Joe The Plumber” – Fighting for the American Dream (Paperback slated for release December 1, 2008)
    5) Become an integral part of an American movement to restore our government to the people

  22. PopeyesPipe

    How long before baldy appears on some kind of XXX website, or comes out with his own line of hot sauces?

  23. PineyWoodster

    This guy is freaking delusional:

    ——————
    Joe The Blogger
    Joe the Plumber – Page title bar.

    Coming Soon . . .

    Another benefit to registered members with be a monthly subscription to Joe’s blog, where he can share the latest on the fight for preserving Americas freedoms.
    ——————

    Right, like I’d spend my hard-earned Ameros to read this guy’s blog…

  24. 4tehlulz

    [re=168232]President Beeblebrox[/re]: So his forum is like a dumb-down version of Stormfront. That you have to pay to join.

    lol

  25. twoeightnine

    Another benefit to registered members with be a monthly subscription to Joe’s blog, where he can share the latest on the fight for preserving Americas freedoms.

    He’s totally got this figured out. Make people pay to read his blog which with be awesome for all off us living in the many Americas.

  26. AngryAtheist

    Oh come on! This little shit bag is going to “write” a book on values?!

    On values?!?!?!!

    “Become an integral part of an American movement to restore our government to the people?”

    You’re too late, assclown. That was taken care of Tuesday.

  27. PopeyesPipe

    I like this bit from his “We the People Page”:

    “We can stop our elected officials from selling our children into debt with our enemies.”

  28. rocktonsammy

    What a country, where else can a black guy be president and an unlicensed plumber can write a book, become a county music star and have a blog.

    Suck it Wonkette!!

  29. blinky_twinkie

    His CIVIC DUTY??? If he was really concerned about doing his “civic duty,” which I think he thinks is somehow related to his neighbor’s Honda, he wouldn’t have shown up at the wrong polling place yesterday, he wouldn’t be trying to get out of paying traffic tickets instead of fighting them in court as he’s entitled to do under the law, and most happily for the rest of us, he would be keeping his fucking piehole shut while learning about Civics and American political history so that he could contribute something worthwhile to the national discussion.

    I look forward to hearing about him fighting Billy Mays for a job hawking toilet supplies.

  30. picyou

    Maybe he should switch focus and style himself as “Joe the Proctologist”. (Apologies to real proctologists, who provide a valuable, unheralded, service to Americans.)

  31. Palin-Plumber2012

    I’m sure Sam the Unlicensed Plumber will stay in touch with his new friends John & Sarah, as he calls them. He’s totally the guy in Happy Gilmore who asks Shooter McGavin when they’re going to eat at Red Lobster together, only to be told some other time.

  32. wheelie

    [re=168232]President Beeblebrox[/re]: What a banal book title. What’s wrong with “Jiggling the Handle of History”?

  33. schvitzatura

    [re=168243]AngryAtheist[/re]: Bill Bennett is looking for a few extra spare quarters to pitch into a slot machine…ghost write JTP’s Amoral Compass: Stories for a Life’s 14.9 Minutes of Infamy

  34. SayItWithWookies

    Mr. Wurzelbacher claimed the media labeled Republicans pro-corporate, money makers, and war-mongerers, “but that’s not the case, and some of this bothers me a lot.”

    Y’know, just the other day I was thinking, “there aren’t enough little guys standing up for the CEOs, warmongers and filthy greedheads.” Thanks, Joe the Plumber!

  35. forgracie

    .03….02….01…and done.
    Even worship of celbrity, at whatever cost, has its limits. Bye Sam the Stooge. Best of luck working for a living.

  36. twoeightnine

    [re=168232]President Beeblebrox[/re]: He’s going to finish “writing” this book in less than a month? Or is paperback now slang for photocopied newspaper clippings?

  37. hobgoblin of little minds

    This will all end when they find the three albino prostitutes he has chained up in his basement and the meth lab hidden in his shed. He’ll then flee north to Alaska and never be heard from again.

  38. villageatrois

    [re=168258]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Thanks for the Great Idea, Wookies!

    I’m Joe the CEO Don’t tax my stock options!

    The floor is open for new investors, and domain name suggestions.

    Does McCain have enough campaign money left to send us all the 5.5 million free signs we ordered?

  39. Maus

    [re=168206]Origami[/re]: “Does Joe the Plumber even have savings? I thought he was taking handouts”

    He is, he quit his job (if he wasn’t fired) on the hopes of becoming a pundit, only to realize that McCain wasn’t going to pay him for his speaking events.

  40. villageatrois

    P.S. On CNN news this evening there was video of the Palin Gang absconding to Alaska in the McCain-Palin campaign jet. By now, they’ve probably landed and she’s listed the jet on e-bay.

  41. WagTehGod

    I earnestly await when he overplays his hand and releases his special Joe The Lady Plumber brand of douche nozzles.

  42. sezme

    We can laugh at Joe the Plumber, but really he’s the Republican Dream in a nutshell: a common no-hoper, defiantly defending the right for plutocrats to shit all over people exactly like himself.

  43. Delicious

    [re=168292]sezme[/re]: He is the republican Dream in that he is dumb, and can be manipulated by the real powers who just need masses of dumb drolling morons to vote for things that will make a handful of people very rich.

  44. President Beeblebrox

    Joe the Plummmmer is an example of what Hunter S. Thompson wrote after Nixon crushed McGovern in 1972:

    “America is just a nation of two hundred million used car salesmen with all the money we need to buy guns and no qualms about killing anybody else in the world who tries to make us uncomfortable.”

    I guess that’s Real America he was writing about.

    Man, I wish the good Doctor Gonzo was around to see this election.

  45. druranium

    [re=168267]cracksammich[/re]: I’d like to purchase his book as a gag christmas gift but realize that it would be wrong for me to spread my wealth to him. Therefore, sorry Sam…no deal.

  46. Andrew Solon

    there’s supposedly some new sitcom in the works called “The Freakshows,” featuring this fuckface and the palin clan in a variety of humorous scenarios.

  47. druranium

    [re=168300]President Beeblebrox[/re]: We all missed Hunter this time around. He died during the long winter of the Bush administration, when there was nothing but greed and despair on the horizon. I wish he could have seen 11-4-08 with us…I think he would’ve liked President Barry.

  48. Luke Warm

    Collecting money to make sure Americans make decent living. Sounds like wealth redistribution to me.

  49. Rush

    Anagram for “www.secureourdream.org” = “Joe is a laughing stock and no one, not even the die-hard Hannity zombies, give a fuck anymore”

  50. SwanSwanH

    [re=168216]mattbolt[/re]: He stole Fizzy Lifting Drinks? That wasn’t mentioned by the Toledo P.D.

  51. blader

    This disappoints.

    With his obvious talents, he could’ve cured cancer, or even mental retardation. He could have been so much more.

  52. Custerwolf

    My boyfriend’s Northern Tool catalog arrived today and I was quite dismayed to find it did not contain a biographical expose of Todd Palin.

  53. AnglRdr

    [re=168263]Atoz[/re]: At least Jeff Gannon gave us secksy pics.

    So, Jeff Gannon > Sam “Joe” the “Plumber.”

  54. Schadenfried

    [re=168231]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: No, if there’s a God, he’ll end up on VH1′s Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew.

  55. Mista Eko

    IT’S ALL THERE, BLACK AND WHITE, CLEAR AS CRYSTAL! You bullshitted about being a plumber! You bumped the Republican polls down among independents and the party now has to transform itself SO YOU GET NOTHING!

    YOU LOSE! GOOD DAY SIR!

  56. CooterMarie

    [re=168232]President Beeblebrox[/re]: Oh my crap. I thought you were kidding. Sadly, you weren’t. I don’t know what to say.

  57. One Yield Regular

    Wow, it’ll be just like “King of Comedy.” Except it’ll be “King of Commode-y.”

    Sorry.

  58. AgentSparks

    Holy hell, that website is a hot mess! And OMG that book cover?! I’m just guessing here, but I think he designed it himself using that fancy new computer graphics program, MS Paint.

  59. joe the bummer

    Sam Joe the Unlicensed Plumber’s Assistant is an okay sort of guy. Hell, I’d fleece McCain too if given half a chance. But, seriously, Sam Joe, time to put it on ice. You had your fifteen minutes and then some. Time to pack the van and make a beeline to whomever it was you used to assist and see if you can’t beg that job back. For gadsake! fire that talent agent! What the fuck does a plumber’s assistant need with one of those? And that ain’t tax deductible, you oaf. First, you have to HAVE talent and, then, you have to USE it to take a tax deduction on a TALENT agent. Who said you have talent? Did McCain tell you that? Sam Joe, he lied. In fact, if you don’t hurry your ass up and start to groveling, you may not even have a plumber’s assistant job! And do you know that all the hot young white girls voted for Obama? You didn’t know that, did you? No, you didn’t. So you know what that means. It means you’re never gonna get laid again. So nix the talent agent. Or, wait a minute, maybe keep the talent agent. Does he handle any dancing bears? Or monkeys? Probably a monkey that plays harmonica or something like that would be good — something you wouldn’t expect a monkey to do. You could team up and move to Tennessee! Tent shows! Okay, so pawn the plumbing tools and buy some costumes. You’re still not ever getting laid again.

  60. shortsshortsshorts

    Who is the real Sarah Palin? Haven’t heard of her myself, and don’t really care. Barry is our overlord.
    Goodbye, Palin.

  61. Hooray For Anything

    [re=168356]Rush[/re]: Actually, Joe was on Hannity’s show today talking politics. Scary thing is Hannity appears to be treating him now as some sort of political expert which pretty much sums up Sean Hannity as well as the rest of the Republican Party.

  62. jennx

    [re=168264]hobgoblin of little minds[/re]: Ok, no, no, no. We already have Sarah the Dimwit, Ted the Felon, and Don the Douche. I will personally make sure that Joe the Plumber doesn’t get anywhere near Alaska.

  63. Captain Swing

    A fortune for you from teh DotComs? It definitely ain’t so, Joe.

    Plumbing? I believe you need qualifications and a license for that, although there are many among us who would be delighted to give you the royal flush.(Sadly for you, merely qualifying as a tool doesn’t count.)

    Still, there should be plenty of odd jobs that need doing around the trailer park.

    …Or maybe you could get a job as a Republican campaign manager. I hear there are quite a few positions vacant now.

  64. trondant

    This numbnuts is still running around uncollared?
    Arf. Someone round him up and give him his shots.

  65. trondant

    [re=168497]Hooray For Anything[/re]: Hannity uses a ham sandwich for brains. Which is an abuse of delicious hammy ham. Also.

    I’ve always wondered who wipes his ass, because he clearly can’t do it for himself.

  66. regisgoat

    Do you think someone, somewhere, thinks of this bald-headed idjit as the Republican Harvey Pekar? Unfortunately for the Republicans, the genuine Pekar knows how to read and write, unlike this guy.

  67. LarryFeltonJ

    [re=168228]President Beeblebrox[/re]: You should complain to the McCain campaign. I got the following signs:

    I’m Bullwinkle the Moose
    I’m Roscoe the Aquarium Repairman
    I’m Willard the Rat Rancher (for some reason the site would send me “Rat Rancher” but not “Rat Trainer”

  68. MISTAHCOUGHDROP

    Where’s my Joe the Plumber Internets widget? With the Joe the Plumber Internets widget I get to see Karl Rove’s mouth running overeth, and Sean Hannity’s toilet overflowingeth. And of course it costs only $250,000, which of course, is well worth it. When asked why about the widget, Joe the Plumber’s agent at CCA said, because “Yes. We. Can.”

    Well, of course, we said : So long Joe the Plumber assclow.

  69. blader

    [re=168300]President Beeblebrox[/re]:

    If Dr Gonzo was around for this election, he’d be inconsolable and have killed himself.

  70. Hamster

    Somebody please pre-order his book about american values and digitize it for us, as I’m sure I can’t afford it. Maybe using a charity to pay his bills is one of his “values”.

  71. The Neoskeptic

    hydrocephalic.

    is that a euphemism for “his head is full of all the RNC cum he’s been swallowing”?

  72. dougbob

    doug the voter here, saying that if you send me money, i’ll make sure it gets used to stimulate the economy.

  73. Truculent

    I would say that Joe/Sam reached the peak of his technical and professional potential while digging shit out of plugged toilets. Beyond that, forget it

  74. Styrofoam Boots

    I hope he does start his website. I’m all for grabbing a bucket of popcorn, putting my feet up, and watching his “watchdog” site get raped bareback in all orifices by Wonkette.

  75. lawrenceofthedesert

    Joe did the Obama campaign a huge favor; McCain impulsively tried to reach so-called “Reagan Democrats” through Joe and in doing so, steadily lost college-educated voters to Obama. The swing to Obama among college-educated voters was key. We need Joe to keep it up — keep muddying the GOP picture of itself as long as possible, Joe, and thanks again.

  76. juan pueblo

    joe the “cloggedpipe” and sara “wheres africa” palin starring in Nailin’ Pailin 2 “unclogging saras pipes”

  77. jodyleek

    Did anybody else catch this quote from the Toledo Blade interview?:

    “…I am a modest and simple-living person and love to spend my fortunes on missionary things.”

    Heads up ladies of the evening: Joe expects blow jobs and doggy style “things” to be complimentary.

  78. AnnieGetYourFun

    Thank you, Ken, for summarizing why I so hate the idiots who get manage to stretch their fifteen minutes out to an agonizing three weeks.

  79. JazzGtr

    Time to add Joe the Ignorant Plumber to the scrap heap of moronic hypocrites who all just happen to be Republcan:

    Newt (the office help) Gingrich
    Mary (the trainer) Bono
    Henry (he wouldn’t go away) Hyde
    Bob (abortion for me but not for you) Barr
    Helen (*how* many affairs?) Chenowyth
    Bob (just chaps please) Livingston
    Dan (the boy) Burton
    Mark (the emails) Foley
    Tom (the pen) Delay

    …the list is endless. Feel free to add.

  80. you guys are haters

    I thought you lefties were the party of HOPE!
    I thought you lefties cared about the poor.
    You are betting whether JTP has $10,000 in savings and acting like he’s a loser if he doesn’t.

    Haters.

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