After 2004, two groups were blamed for making John Kerry’s loss extra sad for the liberals: those secret retards from off-the-grid caves that Karl Rove forced to vote at the last minute, and pollsters. All of the pollsters failed spectacularly on Election Day in 2004, especially with exit polls. Everyone knew that John Kerry was too much of a cocksmoker to possibly win anything, and yet these pollsters committed the CARDINAL SIN of getting Democrats’ hopes up about a national victory of any kind. But this year they tried again. Who will be first against the wall?

Shocker: some of them were right about many things! BUT WILL THIS SAVE THEM?

First, we must devote a section to your absolute favorite pretend boyfriend of late, the most famous person in the history of Internetting, the Messiah of Baseball Stastistics, the pale nerd (read: blogger) who manages to keep getting teevee invites, THE NEW PRESIDENT-ELECT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, Mr. Nate Silver of the FiveThirtyEight math site. He is not a pollster. But he likes polls, a lot.

Nate Silver taught numbers how to fuck. His final prediction was 349 electoral votes for Obama and a 6.1 percentage point win in the popular vote. At the moment, both of those numbers are exactly correct. Nate Silver lives. Oh but wait! The final tally will likely throw North Carolina in Obama’s column, giving him 364 electoral votes in the end. Hmm… Nate Silver dies.

Rasmussen and Pew also predicted a 52% – 46% Obama victory in their final polls. Pew dies because they only chime in every now and then with these polls and then, when they get one right, take all the credit like assholes; Rasmussen lives because they conduct 400 polls a day about everything in politics and, most importantly, don’t send us junk e-mails announcing every single one.

…Which segues perfectly into our next pollster, the infamous John Zogby. For the last year and a half, every time your Wonkette editor has checked his e-mail there has been a fresh “John Zogby to tips” release which is always almost wrong. John Zogby was wrong about everything in 2004 and everything since. He predicted an 11-point Obama margin last night: wrong. And maybe he did pick, um, every swing state correctly last night… but whatever, John Zogby dies.

What the hell, let’s get to the big finale:

Gallup dies, Fox News dies, Daily Kos/Research 2000 dies, Marist dies, ABC/WaPo dies, CBS/NYT dies, Michael Crichton dies, and IBD/TIPP… lives.

Election Poll Review: Who Got It Right? [HuffPo]
Grading The National Polls: Rasmussen In First, Gallup And Zogby Last [TPM Election Central]

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  1. My boyfriend Nate Silver lives because the only state he didn’t predict was Indiana and who the fuck would get that right. He did however name it as a possible surprise in the Washington Post. So suck it, Wonkette, Nate Silver is awesome, the end.

  2. But Michael Crichton correctly predicted the resurrection of dinosaurs! And super intelligent killer apes! And that “global warming” is a San Francisco fairy tale.

  3. 7-11 dies because they made me think that because people in Texas used more blue cups that Barack Obama would win their ten thousand electoral votes. I’m also pissed that their 240 oz softdrinks never fit in my cup holders!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  4. Nate Silver was sensible and reliable for months on end. Bravo, Comrade. There will be a place for you in Red America.

    What I never got was why Drudge would promote polls that were just plain WRONG (i.e. WALNUTS! up 3 points on 11/3). Was he trying to get the Wingnut hopes up just to dash them on the rocks of reality? I mean, as Dems we didn’t want to assume Barry would win this thing, but we all knew deep down based on sensible polls that this shit was in the bag about a month ago. Thoughts?

  5. I’m with you! The whole nation has been stocking up on weapons for the last few months. The post-election riots didn’t materialize, so yeah, let’s get out there and make the streets red with blood!

  6. The pollster that should definitely die is that illegal Mexican who re-did my sofa in moose and caribou feathers and told me it was fashionable. Die, Speedy Amphetaminos, die!

  7. Shoot, leave the pollsters alone. Let’s vote on which TV pundits/anchor dies. (The fact that everyone on Fox dies is obvious.)

    I vote David Gregory off. I thought his stupid show would be over now, but since he won’t get the MTP gig, they’re giving him another Road to the Swearing In or some such show. Arrggg……

  8. [re=167732]Tommy Says Soooo[/re]: Speedy Amphetaminos?

    Man, that guy gets around, never gets tired, runs instead of walking. What’s his secret?

  9. [re=167727]OffTheRecord[/re]: Chucky T is going to shave the goatee, dye his hair and start wearing ironic hipster t-shirts in an embarrassing attempt to appeal to the youngsters once again. It will be sad.

  10. [re=167711]grendel[/re]: He should also dump the glasses he had on Monday night on one of the MSNBC shows I watched. They just didn’t work.

  11. Ohhh Nate Silver…he sends shivers down my nerdy spine!!! Kill all the rest, but lets chain Natie-poo down in the basement for fun and games later!!!

  12. Nate Silver lives because, while his computer-run simulations predicted Indiana would go to McCain, he personally anticipated an Obama win because of the “ground game”. So Nate Silver lives and is smarter than the computer.

    The West Wing lives for correctly predicting that the minority candidate would win against the lame old guy back in its final season. (But Aaron Sorkin had left by then, so no one was watching.)

  13. If W is going to give Uncle Ted a pardon for taking all that oil money then Nate Silver should definitely be pardoned. What’s so wrong with two numbers fucking as long as they are of age. Hey, those numbers weren’t under 18, were they? Now that would be bad.

  14. Here’s a simple quiz for you:
    Guess which is the one state Barry never visited?
    Guess which state has a long-time senator recently convicted of seven felony counts?
    Guess which state just re-elected that senator?

    Answer: Alaska

    Guess which polls showed Stevens trailing the challenger right up to the end? Uh, every one of them.

    Same questions, only substitute “under investigation” for “convicted” and “Congressman” for “Senator”, except add this one: Guess which polls had the scumbag behind significantly the week before the election (and among which one even rated the election the “safest” for the Democrats to steal a seat in Congress)? All of them.

    Obama’s time was precious, I understand. But Stevens won by less than 1% of the vote. A quick visit to that state and Barry might have grabbed another Senate seat for the Dems.

    If Stevens loses on appeal or on re-trial and is expelled by the Senate (guaranteed), guess who’s going to run for his seat in the special election they’d have to hold? If you’re guessing The Mavericky Bible Spice, you’re smarter than the pollsters. But if you’re guessing there’s any way she’d lose, you’re not so smart after all.

  15. [re=167741]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: I’m with you.

    From CNN: James Carville needs to go. He’s not even a good swearer like John Malkovitch. Can we save Candy Crowley? She’s my absolute fave.

    From MSNBC: This one is special. I’ve watched KO turn into a lefty side to CM’s cheeseburger. I’m tired. Maddow can stay. Buchanan is funny.

    From ABC: Nobody cares. (but keep Chuckie Gibson, I like his dry NPR-like-chuckle)

    From NBC: (Is planning a new reality show from Seacrest. Let them burn like Fox)

    CNN Headline News needs to take that gorgeous 3-6am anchor girl and put her front and center. Yow!

  16. [re=167871]Weeping Jesus[/re]: Dude – don’t you know anything about Alaska elections? Stevens could have lost by 50 and he still would have had it in the bag.

  17. [re=167873]JadedDIssonance[/re]: No one even noticed poor Katie Couric was covering the ‘leckshun over on the Cooter Broadcasting Network! Isn’t there another random vag Katie can chat with??

  18. [re=167721]NoWireHangers[/re]: 1. The wingnuts feel more comfortable in a reassuring bubble, where their world view isn’t contaminated by reality. The Zogby figures provided calming reading for life in the bubble.

    2. To create a rush of momentum, which would sweep the nation up and carry a momentous victory for McC.

    er… not sure why else. I noticed more and more talk on the far right about how important it was for them to ignore the “MSM”, with its liberal bias and its biased liberalism. Unfortunately, this quickly becomes the same as sticking your fingers in your ears and singing “la la la”… But when you’re that far out of step with everyone else, it must be hard to keep a straight face.

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