Wonkette
Just a few short months ago, your Wonkette loved the snow dwarf Sarah Palin and all the adorable scrapes she got into — for example, being sexily “rear-ended” by a complete stranger outside Anchorage. But then one fateful day in late August, cruel John McCain had to nominate Sarah Palin for vice president, and overnight the charming and harmless governor of a charming and harmless state transformed into a snarling, sneering peddler of ignorant racist garbage, and we were sad.
But now former VP candidate Sarah Palin has two whole years left as governor of Alaska, which means she can get back to reachin’ across that aisle and workin’ on the things that matters most to Alaskans, like generating more government checks for them to enjoy. Unfortunately, the price of oil is waaaay down from its peak, which means lower state revenues for Alaska, and presumably smaller payments to each resident who makes the incredible sacrifice of living in that frigid backwater.
Also, many of Sarah Palin’s former Democratic allies are a little sore that she was such a horrible nasty anger-bear during her 9-week campaign for vice president, but they’ll get over it.
Palin faces questions, different landscape when she returns to Alaska [Anchorage Daily News]
Also, quite a few of her fellow Alaskans are a bit peeved that the McCain campaign sort of took over the governor’s office for the duration of the campaign. Those zany Alaskans don’t appreciate folks from the Outside taking charge of their institutions, although they are perfectly willing to sell of their natural resources to them.
Will she please take Joe the fuckin’ plumber with her?
Lower oil revenues will allow her to work on that “smaller government” thing she always talks about.
Here’s a good ol’ fashioned Palin quote, just for old time’s sake. Got to get them in before she becomes, “Sarah Who?”:
And I do recognize this is an historical event, no matter which ticket of course prevails, there too, it’s so well for the progress this country is making, and barriers of course being removed and glass ceilings being shattered, again, as the representation on both tickets will show,” Palin said.
It’s not linear thinking, nor is it really circular…more like swirling, eddying thinking.
As much as I want her to climb into a dark ice-cave and never be seen again, possibly eaten by one of those Hoth monsters from Empire Strikes Back, I also kind of want her around. Oh, sweet Sarah, my chillbilly, my Bible Spice, my apocolypstick, I… I’ve grown accustomed to your face!
mattbolt: no
Bristol to Mom: “Does this mean I can get my abortion now?”
A la prochaine, LA Grand con.
She’ll be back thanks to that 150K wardrobe and possible allegations surrounding the TransCan gas pipeline deal (thanks Canada City suburb of Alberta.)
Thanks for all the laffs, Sarah.
freakishlystrong: she can take joe the plumber with her and leave todd behind for me! bwahahahahahaha!!!
It just got 10 degrees coder in Alaska.
colder… God I suck.
Returning to serve as Governor, albeit, a tad overdressed…
HAHAHAHAHA!
Nanookie returning to Alaska = Enjoying a 3 month shopping spree vacation and then returning home to your shit-hole apartment where you find a rancid tub of yogurt rotting in your bed
Now we’ll see how her acolytes handle this Jackie Robinson moment.
bearbait: It’s RHIZOMIC!! That’s IT! I’ve figured it out! Palin is a Deleuzian wet dream, a postmodern black hole of traditional linguistic representation!
Palin 2004!
So is Levi off the hook now?
reading all the old stories about her, before all this nonsense, kind of reminds you how sometimes you’ll go out with that girl, but really, she needs to not ever actually say anything. ever.
Now she can focus on the Alaskan Secessionist Party platform.
bearbait: At least she got “an historical” right. So did McCain in his concession speech.
Okay, I’m done being the grammar Nazi.
Wouldn’t Palin be eligible for a senior position in a conservative Think Tank?
…can we please get an update on the now 8 and half month “pregnant” Bristol? Has she had her “miscarriage” yet?
This just in Alaska surpased West Virginia as the state most pitied about by other states.
Johnny Zhivago: The Bill Kristol Foundation Tank for Conservatives Who Can’t Think Good.
The best thing about WALNUTS! picking Palin, was that he took the country’s most popular governor and poured salt on her political career. Actually, no, Palin did that. She hung herself with her own rope. Now the whole country knows she’s a moron. Hahahah!
AngryBlakGuy: wheelie: I saw on the Today show this morning that Bristol is due in December which makes it a little late for a miscarriage. At this point it’s bordering on still born. Also, Gov. Palin is now planning the summer wedding of Bristol and Levi. I assume they are having it in the summer since the GOP will no longer fund them for special wedding parkas.
bearbait: Wait- where’s the “also” in there- this must be a misquote
Last night, Todd the Eskimo had that look on his face that only says, “Thank fuckin’ god, can we please go home now?”
ABitOfACommunist: No, that’s not the refrain as it’s represented in A Thousand Plateaus. What you’re describing is more like the kind of “white ink” or ecriture feminine that Cixous proposes (or the Derridean “free play” trip).
Deleuze was a more rigorous Marxist. He had his whimsical side but the dude did call for cutting down all the fucking trees and building the Body without Organs.
Anyway…
I’m telling you, she’s taking Stevens’s senate seat. Watch.
AngryBlakGuy: Yeah, and what happened to the big wedding of the century with Levi?
AngryBlakGuy: No, but I hear Levi’s made a run for the border.
Terry: When I moved to Alaska as a lad in 1970 there were bumper stickers everywhere that said “we don’t give a damn how they do it Outside.” They also had some that said “Happiness is a Texan leaving the state with an Okie under each arm.” Sometimes you win, sometimes they all move in, take over, and reelect convicted felons.
She can go back to pallin’ around with seccessionists….
Sarah Palin, alone in her fortress of Idiotude.
I LOVELOVELOVE that picture.
I can’t wait to have her blabbering her BS in the Senate, it’ll make for years of great Wonkette headlines.
please let there be a reality show please let there be a reality show please let there be a reality show…
ph7: Wedding: called off. Levi: playing junior hockey in Nova Scotia under an assumed name.
mattbolt: In what sense, Churlie?
krinkle bearcat palin: It’ll be called C-Span. She’ll be the Michelle Bachmann of the Senate.
Dammit, I want a public return of all the swag and the bling before they go back to Seward’s Icebox. As promised. I want to see them all patted down by federal marshalls. Just as they’re schlumping toward the plane in their snowmobile suits, someone says, “Wait, we’re missing a Louis Vuitton bag.” Piper runs for the exit; shots ring out.
What happened to that game-changing wedding that Bristol and Levi were supposed to have? Did the RNC’s credit card get rejected at the wedding planner’s?
springfield_meltdown: cal: NoWireHangers: …well she is going to need some kind of excuse for why she doesn’t pop out -another- a baby. Maybe she can claim that Levi pushed her down a flight of stairs(is that even a crime in Alaska?) it would fit his “Fucking Redneck” personality!
ABitOfACommunist: She strikes me as a more of a “Discipline and Punish” type.
goddamfuckingtheview!!! baba wawa just played part of martin luther king jr’s i had a dream speech!!! goddam!!!! crying!!!!
Favorite quote from Newsweek this AM about the shopping spree:
An angry aide characterized the shopping spree as “Wasilla hillbillies looting Neiman Marcus from coast to coast,” and said the truth will eventually come out when the Republican Party audits its books.
4tehlulz: Today show says it will be a summer wedding
Thw right wing blogs are fulminating about how they want her to be the new face of the Republicons in 2012. In which case, the GOP will become even MORE marginalized than they are now.
And we’ll have a steady supply of even more snark!
It’s like God is saying to us “OK, I f***ed with you long enough, here’s my mercy.”
If you lick it at forty below, your tongue sticks.
Hamster: Now he can go back to the Alaskan Independence Party real clandestine like. Did he ever open his mouth? I don’t think I ever heard him say anything.
This picture is so so so funny I don’t know what to say. My “Women for Palin” neighbor has a similar deer in headlights look today. I’m sure she’ll feel better after she goes WILD BOAR HUNTING this weekend with her old man. OMG where the fuck do I live????
whatever_dc: Please tell me that Whoopi has taken a giant shit on Hasselbeck’s side of the desk.
ForTheTurnstiles: maybe michelle and sarah could share a house in dc ala Kate and Allie. The possibilities are making my head explode
Sarah Palin and a polar bear were taking a shit in the woods……
DangerousLiberal:
The Texas/Okie oil people in Alaska remind me of the British in colonial India. Go there, make your fortune and your career, but NEVER send your children to the schools. When you retire, take your money and head to a location more appropriate to your background/class/standing/etc.
Richmond VA went apeshit last night. I took some pics, but since I’m still a ‘tard with the cellphone, they’re teeny-tiny and worthless. But check this out: http://www.inrich.com/cva/ric/home.apx.-content-articles-RTD-2008-11-05-0200.html
I ran down to my favorite bar last night to have a celebratory beer, and a block away, on Broad Street, there was this huge parade of people. The cops had all the side streets blocked off, and everyone was in the streets cheering and screaming. It was amazing, and lasted for several hours.
Serolf Divad: Dude, you completely do not suck. You’re like the Bertrand Russell of Wonkette.
CHEER UP!!! WOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BARRY IS GETTIN HOPE THANG ON!!!!!
WOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!
Don’t let the door hit you in the ass on your way out.
whatever_dc: I was thinking of that speech last night when I saw the Biden girls and Obama girls on stage doing their “omg so cooool” giggling
bearbait: Jesus God, thank you. I have to make myself a private compendium of her words in print. They make me smile in fallow times.
It’s a shame it took Walnuts shoving her in our faces for her home team to discover what a shallow ignoramus she really is. Barricuda? Just a big fish in a very small pond. I wish she’d stay there, but I’m not that naive.
Hey, isn’t the Palin family due to be returning a bunch of clothes and Louis Vuitton bags to the RNC today?
Anger Bear, I’ll miss you.
Oh, wait. No I won’t.
BUT WHAT OF MEGHAN MCCAIN!? She is now a blogger without a cause!
Alaska is the Island of Misfit Toys, and Sarah is its Rudolph
tinybubbles: Tod did open his mouth at a campaign stop a couple weeks ago, extolling the virtues of real, real Americans and hunting. Now he and his Eskimo Ho can go and hunt all the fuck they want. HAHAHAHHAAHHA
bearbait: I seem to remember someone describing her speaking style as resembling a ‘Word Salad’. That seems to be the best way to characterize it.
Sarah Palin and Katie Couric in the new big-screen remake of Laverne And Shirley….
“I hadz an earmark, please?”
Forget Alaska secession, where’s all the talk of Republican Party secession? If there’s anything this colossal failure should’ve taught the RNC bigwigs, it’s that they’re splintered between the fiscal conservatives and loony-bin dingbats. Palin can split off and be the new head of the New Conservative Party or whatever, and she can take Bachmann and Hannity and all the other blowhards with them and go wait together in their fortress for Jesus to suck them up, leaving the Republicans with mild-mannered tools with nice haircuts who hate taxes, and the Dems, uh… winning everything, forever.
WadISay: Newsweek is reporting Bible Spice spent more than $150K. Get this quote: “One aide estimated that she spent “tens of thousands” more than the reported $150,000, and that $20,000 to $40,000 went to buy clothes for her husband. Some articles of clothing have apparently been lost. An angry aide characterized the shopping spree as “Wasilla hillbillies looting Neiman Marcus from coast to coast,” and said the truth will eventually come out when the Republican Party audits its books.”
Also she wanted to speak last night but Walnuts put the kaibosh on that. HAHAHAHAHAHAH
http://www.newsweek.com/id/167581
Hart88: no — unfortunately liz-beth is happy happy for her cunt-ry today and everyone is all kissy kissy although joy did stick the knife in a bit but then did a fist (that is: terrorist) bump with her. sherri (the idiot) started crying which made me cry (again) and baba showed part of MLK’s “i had a dream speech” (more crying). vernon jordan is sposed to be on in a bit.
Terry: No, they go to a charity…. and will probably be re-sold at a ‘consignment shop’… and conveniently, on Tina Fey look alike will just ‘happen’ to be shopping there when they do, and voila, the ex-GILF** will have a wardrobe she can prance around the frozen tundra in, and even that perfect gown to wear when she accepts her own appointment to the Senate when Stevens gets the boot.
**seriously, after listening to her for 2 months, does anyone still want to fuck her?? well other than that ’sit up a little straighter’ moran
That image is very disturbing. I wish you’d have chosen something else. I realize that it’s a shameful part of American history that we should never forget, but it’s too much.
jeebus zeus — i just did a recap of the view… i would ask for a pillow over my head for this but FUCKMENAKED BARACK OBAMA WAS ELECTED THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA!!!!!
ph7: Levi to governor: “Do they let you un-enlist in the Army?”
springfield_meltdown: So this good Christian girl is having her baby out of wedlock. lol real America
I still find her sexy in an “Oh my god, your mom is drunk and totally touching my hair” kinda way.
Happiest woman today: Tina Fey
Saddest assclown today: Matt Drudge
Crapping in his pants today: Joe the Jew
Who we’ll all rejoice never seeing again: Joe ‘who’s name is Sam & is not a licensed plumber & does not pay taxes’ the Plunger
Woo hooo….as the Brady kids said, ‘It’s a bright sunshiny day!’
Texan Bulldoggette: Why do I suspect that “lost” is a euphemism for “pawned for meth monies”?
ForTheTurnstiles: If Stevens ends up winning, the senate will expel him. And Alaska must hold an election to fill the seat. I doubt Alaskans would send Apocalypstick to DC.
Anyway, that will free her up to pursue her own power grab. Mark my words, she will begin a “lecture” circuit through those red states. I’ll start calling her Bigot Bullhorn. She’ll start her own Real America Party and develop a new secession movement.
There is an army of monsters who will follow her off a cliff.
ABitOfACommunist: Thank you for that. I have been grading papers and was looking for a word to describe one particular submission. “Rhizomic” fits.
Maybe Palin thinks in Fractals. The closer you examine what she says, the more the pattern becomes evident, swirling down forever until you get lost in its depth and the words flow past like shattered glass with all the charm of nails on a blackboard.
kellykapoor: Well maybe she can find the time to do her laundry so she can change out of that gray dress.
sezme: I love you.
Texan Bulldoggette: fuck you ronald reagan: today it really is morning in america!
OffTheRecord: [blush]
wildeoats: HuffPo says she met McCain staffers when she got out of a shower wearing only a towel, http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2008/11/05/palin-once-greeted-mccain_n_141394.html.
Now she’s dumber than a post but schwing! she knows what works. Wokka wokka.
Who’s Sarah Palin?
oh, beautiful Wonkette–
thank you for making this endless season of the politics so bearable
and mordantly hilarious.
my ‘pologies to whomever wrote this genius line–I saved it, but not
the name of the commenter. a truer thing was never said about
scary putin:
She is a verbal mobius strip.
BYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE BIAAATCCCCHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! YOU LIVED IN MY REALITY WAY TOO LONG!!
Unfortunately, she can’t take Joe the Plumber with her. Alaska has a law denying entry to undesireable aliens.
Sadly, this dimwit is convinced that her nine-week comedy tour is a mandate to remain active on the national political scene and, God help us, run for national office. If she makes it to the Senate in a couple of years, Michelle Bachman will have someone to share lunch with.
Cape Clod: Perhaps a tossed word salad.
OK, one last time, this time in fucking unison people.
“In What Respect, Charlie”
“Governor Palin will probably see many more rear endings in her future so that dudes in Camrys can get her phone number.”
Creepily good prediction.
She fucking had Democratic allies? WTF?
I’m amazed by the incredible amount of public interest in Sarah Palin. Good or bad, she’s become somewhat of a pop icon. People are dressing like her to be and/or mock her all at the same time.
For instance, I found this video on dressing like Palin:
http://www.mindbites.com/lesson/668-how-to-dress-like-sarah-palin
Keep in touch, Caribou Barbie! We’ll miss you so much here in “the real America.”
mattbolt: The lunatic fringe can form the Conservative Freedom Party; a name that’s needed for its initals so Wonketeers can call it the Crazy Fucks Party.
Fly-over Correspondent: She doesn’t talk about small govt in Alaska.
ForTheTurnstiles: She won’t take Stevens’ seat, because as the junior Senator from Alaska she wouldn’t be able to do jack squat in Washington.
My prediction is this: Bush is going to pardon Stevens, declaring that the voters last night cast the ultimate judgement on his guilt by re-electing him.
Caribou Barbie:
Goodbye–and thanks for all the fish!
Hart88: whatever_dc: Taking bets that Bitzy will quit in a month.
Good riddance. I hope I never hear anything from her/about her again, but we probably won’t be that lucky.
At least now we don’t have to worry that Levi and Pistol will blaspheme the White House by playing hide-the-hockey stick in the Lincoln Bedroom.
Dave J.: i completely agree although i doubt bush will use that much “logic”
Schadenfried: i don’t know dude — baba stuck her tongue ALL THE WAY up her ass thanking her for being a family blah blah blah
VOMIT!!!
skuze me — anyone have a mop?
ph7: Win.
She’s been returned to Alaska, now they have to keep her. No more regifting!
SayItWithWookies: The clip should be sent to Fox if only to see how it captions the video, e.g., “Black Panthers and Rioting Hippies: Obama-bots Put Fear into Richmond”.
My god, after watching day-after commentary by Palin and Hasselbeck, it’s shockingly clear that Hasselbeck is actually able to articulate her points with far more coherence than Palin.
Ergo…Romney/Hasselbeck 2012!!! Woot!
Many moments of cyberdawdling can be had at Palin’s expense by visiting this site and playing around with the cursor
http://www.palinaspresident.us/never/index.html
— “You know, if there is a role in national politics it won’t be so much partisan,” Palin said. “My efforts have always been here in the state of Alaska to get everybody to unite and work together to progress this state … it certainly would be a uniter type of role.” —
Jeez. I wish she would progress her grammar.
btw, Snowbillie, that’s what a community organizer does.
Anyone just see her incredibly bizarre interview on CNN? She is not taking this losing thing well, nor the notion that she’s a national joke that cost McCain votes, or that the McCain staff hated her. It was funny in that “laughing at the misery of others” way.
http://thesebastards.blogspot.com/
I pity the Alaskan moose in the upcoming hunting season. Those suckers are in for a rough time as she works off the angst.
I haz a shadenfreuden chubby.
He [Sen. Hollis French, D-Anchorage] said he’s more worried about Palin’s future relations with the federal government, whose help is needed on loan guarantees and rights of way to get the gas pipeline built.
“I hope the new president has a magnanimous soul,” French said.
There, I think she’s very fortunate.
With Sarah back at the helm, I not as worried about all of Alaska’s federal government loan guarantees and earmarks as I am about the continental breakfast & Presidential meet-and-greet at next year’s National Governors Association conference. Awkward!
These people gave white trash a bad name! Good riddance to bad stank ass rubbish!!
springfield_meltdown: Poor easily duped Murkans don’t unnerstand that there is no summer in Alaska.
She looks very sad in this picture.
http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/washington/2008/11/sarah-palin-201.html
emberglance: At long last, her face has been impeded.
Hamster: I like to do just like the rest, I like my sugar sweet,
But guarding fumes and making haste,
It ain’t my cup of meat.
Ev’rybody’s ‘neath the trees,
Feeding pigeons on a limb
But when Todd the Eskimo gets here,
All the pigeons gonna run to him.
Come all without, come all within,
You’ll not see nothing like the mighty Palin.
My prediction is Todd is going to take this very, very hard and go postal over it.
Either that or he’s gonna get a big head and run off with a stripper.
TGY: She’s probably going to mount this on a helicopter and make the North Slope flow with the blood of moose.
President-elect Obama today announced the appointment of Governor Sarah Palin to be the new U.S. ambassador to Kazakhstan. Senator John McCain immediately endorsed the appointment. Alaskans cheered. Well-known Kazakhstan journalist Borat reported, “Fast-breeding skank from Alaska not welcome here.”
You betcha she gave stoopid a badder name. Also.
And no, you ignorant twit, we’re not done laughing at you.
emberglance: Must. Give. Back. Rich. People. Clothes.
emberglance: She just realized that the RNC is going to get their revenge for that 200K she dropped for clothes.
I, for one, will completely enjoy the next few weeks of mudslinging between the McCain camps and the Palin camps, not to mention the parade of Republican/Conservative All-Stars who bit their tongues these past few months and are ready to finally bash away. In fact, I think the only things this is really bad for are all those poor wolves who are about to get blown away by Sarah in her helicopter as she gets her frustrations out.
bearbait: kinda like a flushing toilet.
tonehedge: …one of them was wearing lipstick?
SayItWithWookies: I remember marching down Broad St after the Rodney King verdicts back in the good old days before all this Hopeyness.
mattbolt: sounds good, let it be so
Sarah Palin has difinitly proven that you cannot make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear . .even if that pig is wearing lipstick.
Good bye Sarah you have earned your rightful place in history; your name will now be an answer in Trivial Persuit and Jeopardy!
All I know is peep-toe shoes, my sexy librarian ‘do, and “moose munch” have all been ruined for me. FOREVER.
Can you still be HOTT in Alaska?
Dam I would Shitcan that dirty ASS Michelle and her black ass babies to boot for a glimps at Sarah naked!
Ice flow! Nowhere to go!
Ice flow! Nowhere to go!
ForTheTurnstiles: “I’m telling you, she’s taking Stevens’s senate seat. Watch.”
She can resign and let the lt. guv appoint her or, my bet, after Uncle Ted is perp-walked out of the senate office building, we’re looking at Sen First Dude.
The Rs say they only okayed her to buy 3 suits for herself and one for FD. How white trash is it that she didn’t have any presentable clothes? And what WT queen wouldn’t go crazy once they turned her loose in Neiman Marcus with the RNC credit card?
If NM sold trucks, wanta’ bet that Dude would be driving a huge honking truck back to that frozen hell hole they call home?
It looks like she’s wearing her clubbing outfit in that picture…..her seal clubbing outfit.
She may be back in Alaska today thank the gods but NO WAY is she going to going back to snow boots and parkas. White trash America just can’t get enough of this ignorant bitch in her Vantino suits and fuck-me-pumps. She’ll get called into service as the rabid new face of the Christian Conspiracy. I’d bet she turns up as a commentator on Fox News before the stink is gone.
to spewing her ignorant racist bullshit for the C