You did it, Liberals! Thanks to your help, your hard work, this country will officially be renamed “The American Caliphate” in January, 2009. Oy. Jesus damn. Forty years ago your associate editor’s neighborhood in Southeast D.C. was on fire, nightly. The MLK assassination did not “go over” very well here. But right now, there are two fireworks displays running strong and people honking their horns, for fun. People get so worked up about things, don’t they?… Well let’s stop rambling and see what the new President has to say.
11:46 — HA HA HA, check out this AP article that makes fun of editor Sara K. Smith for being a sad drunk.
11:48 — Hey, CNN, this article is called “Liveblogging Barack Obama’s Victory Speech,” not “Liveblogging Anderson Cooper Giving Bedroom Eyes To Roland Martin.” Enough. Make Obama come on.
11:50 — Oh right, now that Obama is an American president, we have to hate him. Ahem: “OBAMA IS A WAR CRIMINAL.” Catchy!
11:51 — What is this dumb commercial about the Golden Gate Bridge. Obama is rapidly becoming a terrible president. What is this wait all about? Mitt Romney would’ve been much more Punctual. Just saying…
11:52 — Oh man, CNN is showing all of the hippie Democrats screaming at George W. Bush outside the White House gates. What do they want from him now, ANOTHER HANDOUT?
11:53 — They dug up some Martin Luther King Jr. relative, CNN did, and now she’s saying a bunch of gibberish that we can’t hear, because Jeremiah Wright & The Family Stone are being loud in the background.
11:57 — Ah, Mr. Big Shot finally decides to show up. With the fam. Michelle is wearing a red furry apron!
11:59 — He tells his family to get the hell out of the way already, he has to talk to the nuts.
11:59 — “I am your leader, mortals. Feed me LIVE BABIES.”
12:00 — “Thanks for voting for me. Those lines were long. I would not have waited in them, because I have a life.”
12:00 — He thanks women, gays, and cripples. Oh how is Prop 8 going, btw? Still too early.
12:01 — This day, this moment, this nanosecond, Change has become a word in the English language.
12:02 — “I got a gracious call from Senator McCain.” Crowd offers thoroughly gutteral “MEHHHHH.”
12:02 — He looks forward to working with Sen. McCain and Gov. Palin, and he hopes to work with them. No, scratch that, he hopes that Palin just goes away to her hell cave.
12:03 — He thanks Michelle Obama for being his Wife.
12:03 — He tells his daughters that he will give them a puppy, finally, so in return they can just shut up for the next few years while he heals Racism.
12:04 — Thanks his white grandmother, depicted above.
12:05 — Thanks his staffers for making him win.
12:06 — BUT ABOVE ALL…
12:07 — I thank you people, again, for voting for me and making other humans vote for me. Oh there’s a white gal crying in the crowd! There’s Oprah standing next to a bunch of Poors! There’s Big Ben! There’s Parliament!
12:07 — Here’s the standard, “Our world is near apocalypse. Nothing is affordable. We have more wars now than all the wars in history, combined. We have cancer. There is literally nothing good about life right now” setup, followed by the killer “Meh, we’ll work on all that stuff” denouement.
12:08 — Oh here he goes, it’s starting; he says we “all” have to work harder now. GRRR we knew he would do this. DON’T TAX ME FOR WORKING HARD, NOOBAMA. Let me enjoy my drink of bacon grease right here alone.
12:10 — Dude, they just showed footage from Kogelo, Kenya, on CNN. Bodies were moving — were they slaughtering the Obama Bull? That needs to be on YouTube… like now.
12:12 — He thanks that 106-year-old lady in Atlanta for voting for him. This guy knows how to strike a nerve. If he really had wanted to go for the kill, though, he would’ve mentioned the 109-year-old lady who voted for him. But he is Humble.
12:13 — Man alive, this guy can give a speech. This is getting BRUTAL.
12:15 — The end. The last few minutes of that speech were probably the best of his career. Yes we can. Oh and there’s Joe Biden! He can do whatever he wants, too.
12:18 — You know, it’s really rude of Barry not to tell his wife about that huge red carpet that died on her dress. Jill Biden’s lime is more preferable tonight.
12:21 — Wonkette roommate operative “Rob” says he wants to give Joe Biden’s old mum a hug. Rob is so weird sometimes.
12:22 — Barry just kissed Joe Biden, gross.
12:22 — [Deep breath] AHHHHH IT’S OVER BABY! OBAMA WON! THANK YOU EVERLOVING JESUS IT IS FINALLY OVER! GAAAAHHHHH!
12:23 — That’s all for now.