Wonkette
It could happen in this next half-hour. “It” being, hmm, a big hedge fund collapses? Oh no, that wouldn’t be real news. “It,” of course, meaning conclusive evidence that you dumb college liberals have succeeded in getting some Muslim ACORN guy into the White House. “Nice.” When (IF!) this becomes official, there’s only one channel we want to watch: Fox News. We expect sobbing racial tirades.
10:01 — Someone called Iowa for Obama along the way. McCain wins Utah and Texas, two red-ass fuckin’ states. Cornyn retains his Texas Senate seat (sorry sweet Rick Noriega!). Oh and Roger Wicker beats Ron Musgrove to retain his Mississippi Senate seat. It was never really *that* competitive, but of course Fox News is calling it the historic victory of the century.
10:02 — We are projecting that Chris Wallace is a homosexual for Brit Hume. Brit finds this uncouth.
10:03 — Carl Cameron hears from the McCain camp that they are… what is this now… worried! In fact they think they cannot ever win at all.
10:05 — Chris Wallace has now called Mark Udall and Bob Schaffer, Senate competitors in Colorado, “very nice-looking men.” Someone throw a cock at this guy so he can do his job?
10:07 — Behind Brit Hume we see, who else, Bill Kristol, wiping his glasses. He does not even wear glasses. Everything about Bill Kristol is the opposite of what it is.
10:09 — Fox News is just boring now. It’s just Chris Wallace jerking off to Coloradans, Brit Hume appearing flustered in as classy a manner as possible, Karl Rove dancing like a faggot, and Bill Kristol cleaning himself. Let’s go back to MSNBC, they always call the states early and that makes us feel special.
10:12 — Chuck Todd says Orange County, of Florida, holds secrets that determine the fate of the Universe and the truth about God. It is leaning Obama.
10:13 — Gary County in Indiana will give lots of votes to Obama when it is counted. Fairfax County in Virginia still has many votes to throw in Obama’s column. Mecklenburg (sp?) County in North Carolina also looks good for McCain. Oh we meant Obama, not McCain.
10:15 — Q: Why can’t dumb robot vote machines count fast enough? ISN’T THAT WHY WE HAVE ROBOTS AFTER ALL.
10:16 — Chris Matthews, oh man, you can tell he is having trouble keeping it in — there is a LOT of sexy political electricity running up his legs. Of course the New MSNBC has been forced to discipline itself (see: David Gregory is hosting) and will; wait until everyone across the country finishes voting before shouting about A TURNING POINT IN AMERICA. But Chris Matthews will be sobbing and shouting about the cute little Chinese kids in Rangoon, and how Obama has saved their lives, within the hour.
10:20 — OH HELL, let’s go back to reliable old CNN. It seems the reaction on the Internet to their retarded little hologram ploy earlier this evening was so hostile that they will never dare use that $150 billion piece of technology again. Capitalism!
10:22 — Perhaps there was a panel of swing voters in Columbus, Ohio, giving their live reactions to the space hologram as it was being shown. Men and women both would’ve STRONGLY denounced the hologram when it started getting negative on Obama.
10:24 — Mississippi called for McCain. PHEW. We were starting to worry that good old fashioned American racism was losing all of its strongholds. There’ll always be Mississippi.
10:26 — Do you notice how this liveblog is terrible and we’re just babbling about whatever we’re babbling about? This is because NO ONE ON EARTH will call Florida or Virginia or Colorado. Just fucking guess or whatever, HEHNGNN? We want to have sexytime celebration funs.
10:28 — Intern Juli reports something she heard on the teevee, that John McCain is locked in solitary confinement in the “Barry Goldwater Suite” at the Biltmore hotel in Phoenix. If he believes in Karma, and he does, then John McCain has not surrounded himself with much of a “victorious” vibe in this suite selection.
10:32 — Ken has started a new liveblog! Harass him! Here!
This is the funniest shit ever:
http://www.236.com/video/2008/get_your_war_on_chaos_1_9927.php
Obama, half-god.
Hee Hee Hee Hee BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Now they are talking about how Obama will govern. Can I open the bubbly NOW?
Fuck that! Half-breed linen!
They were discussing Obama cabinet picks. I wanted to hug my teevee.
The Freepers are all over this conspiracy.
These media schmucks have put their careers on the line ALL YEAR. Their is negative sentiment towards the media and they know it. They’re trying to throw us under the bus. This is a replay of Florida 2000 on a huge scale!!!!
Dave Barry calls for a return to gin. Where’s Ana Marie Cox? Oh, right, in Arizona, watching the effects of terminal campaign bloat.
All I have to say is that Neil Cavuto will probably hug his children extra close tonight.
When the Peoples Republic of Norhtern virginia votes are counter, it’s a hopegasm.
Palin will make a very nice FOX pundit.
Ha!
NPR calls Iowa for Obama.
Al Franken FTW!
Is it just me or did a Fox News guy accidentally refer to John McCain as “George Bush”? This shit is bananas.
Is it wrong that I’m still masturbating to the fact that I’ve just realized that my (I thought!) longdead avatar was banned and killed………HAS BEEN resurrected!!!!!!! I’m back motherfuckers! (please don’t ban me! this is my christmas!)
It’s an OBASM! YAY US!
Funniest post on redstate now:
“There is a beneficial side effect to all of this. We have purged many squishes from our party (along with some good ones). If McCain had won tonight, I don’t know that we would have been able to effectively rebuild this movement. At least we can start fresh now.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
I pledge to despoil a Republican sex kitten with my mongrol blood this evening in honor of Barack Obama.
oooh! Thanks for the tip wonkette. Brit Hume may even hang himself on air before the night is over
Fox is running at 3/4 speed. Draaaag it out boys.
There is some Albino in my student center sporting a McCain sticker on his forehead wielding signs all over the place. Too bad Juan McCain is DONE.
Castellanos: Barry has been careful not to scare America. LOL. OOOOOoo, we’re scared.
AAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHHAHAHAAAAAAAA!!!!
someone wrote “nigar” on my mom’s mailbox! Can’t make this stuff up.
Do you all think the world is smiling on us? Apologies for being schmaltzy.
Ha ha Phoenix–they weep
Off snark - FINALLY! Oh, thank Cthulhu, we will have intelligence, style, and competence in the White House again. I’ve waited 8 long agonizing years for this wonderful moment.
Ok, back to your regular godless liberal puppet-orgies.
Tara Wall on CNN: I just got some insider info from the GOP: this thing is over.
LOL. Is she competing for the Palin Prize in Intelligence? Over in what respect, Charlie?
I am so happy, here on the blue dot in all-red Blanco County, TX.
Castellanos: We broke our brand. No, bud. You broke your ass.
Somebody needs to remind them that there are …shhhh…blacks.. in the U.S.
nice photo, is sign by same McFailin peeps who wrote “nigar” on my mom’s mailbox?
Hopey is up 120k in Florida, and 12k in Virginia, and up in the sky MLKJr. is smiling down and saying, “Fuck y’all motherfuckin’ crackers in Alabama!”
I think the WSJ just called the entire election for Obama. I’m signed up for their daily M&A newsletter, which is usually sent out at 6 pm Eastern/3 pm Pacific. I didn’t get today’s edition until just now, at 10 pm Eastern/7 pm Pacific. Headline (I swear): Will Obama Usher In a Socialist Economy?
ReverendJeffy: I’m betting on a significant baby bumper crop in August….
Is the nightmare of George Bush finally almost over? Bush was elected when I was 15. I can barely remember what it was like to have a president who can speak in complete sentences and is not an utter embarrassment. I just want to cry tears of joy and then make out with someone. I has a happy.
Speed Ball: If McCain had played up the trapped in PF Chang’s for 5 years, he might have had a chance.
GrammarCop: B-A-N-A-N-A-S?
TPM says a Colorado paper has called it for Hopey.
Obama makes his way to Grant Park…. McCain makes his way to the toilet.
OffTheRecord: Bush was elected when I was 20 and I completely understand what you are saying. Tears of joy, tears of fucking joy!!! woo hoo
pattycake: Dave Barry calls for a return to gin.
Hey, I never abandoned gin in the first place.
ZOMFG, I totally cried putting my daughter to sleep tonight. When she wakes up tomorrow, it’s going to be a new day in so many ways.
OffTheRecord: I’d kiss you but, ew, you’re a child.
OffTheRecord: Yes, it’s (almost) over. I turn 40 in December, so I can remember a time when we had a president who wasn’t a complete asswipe.
Welcome to a bright new day.
Bachmann is leading. Batshit crazy power wins? Staaaaaaaaaaayed tuned kids!
Indiana is going to go all night. Virginia is still leaning McCain.
But: WHO CARES? It’s a done deal.
Freeper:
STEP AWAY FROM THE CLIFF!!!! WAIT till all votes are counted before you sip the kool-aid and walk off the cliff… I fought in Iraq to spread democracy and freedom, at least give ME the courtsey of waiting for ALL results to be in before we commit mass suicide
Where can I get in on this victory sex that is supposedly occurring?
Somewhere, a confused Sean Hannity is shouting himself down. And McCant reaches for his third Depends of the evening.
Something extraordinary is happening in our history, says Chris Matthews.
Yup. It’s moving.
Can we haz Arizona now?
Monsieur Grumpe: And Coleman too. Well, this will give us some snarking material yinnyhows. What with Palin out n’ all. Maybe Al Franken can get a job at Wonkette and give our dearz editors a break!
PerhapsSo: Yes-where, exactly, is this victory sex, and can I bring my own toys?
Barack has a 10,000-vote lead in Va. according to BOE tallies.
DID BRIT JUST SAY HE IS DABBING HIS EYES? OF TEARS? This challenges so many thing… mainly… that he is a robot.
“WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOUR EYES?” “Sometimes Humans cry, when we dont feel pain, but we are still upset, understand?” “NO”.
Brit Hume is not the Terminator, he is just an asshole.
I LOVE YOU ALL.
I’m going to bed.
This is what I posted to the Wonkette Facebook group:
To all those fearmongers who said that Obama “palled around with terrorists.”
To all those PUMAs who cried “sexism!” during the primaries.
To all those racists who said that American could never elect an African American President.
To all those paranoid whackjobs who accused my candidate of being a socialist, a communist, and a LIBERAL.
To all those “conservative” Republicans who supported George W. Bush and his successor, John McCain.
To all those Republican pundits—Michelle Malkin, Hugh Hewitt, and their ilk—who spread lies and bigotry like a disease.
To all those people who didn’t believe that the best man would win, I have one thing to say to you:
YES. WE. CAN.
and
YES. WE. DID.
Karma’s a real drag, isn’t it? Because I’ll sleep well tonight—but will you?
Hume: The odds look long for John McCain? Uh, duhhhh.
yourwildhorses: As long as there’s mass suicide at the end of the evening, I say take all the time you want.
Veuve Clicquot for everyone!
The bad…or good news, depending on what you wish to do with this…is that Michelle Bachmann is leading The Tinkster in Minnesota.
So the crazy lady may be back.
Fuck you John Cornyn!!!! God dammit!
Darehead:
Nooooooooooooo!Argh!
Fix News looks like a funeral dirge. Hide the sharp implements.
I’ve had a LOT of Vino. En Vino Et Veritas!
Kristol still defending Palin; may tear Juan Williams’ throat out.
Franken’s in the lead at the moment, but very early returns.
What the fuck is going on with Utah?
Hahah…Kristol is freaking out defending Palin. You fucked up Bill! Now you have to go to Alaska. This is the new rule.
I opened the bubbly. Here is to a new day.
Dr. Zoidberg: Yes, and I found it in the same dumpster, but this one had a live raccoon inside!
Don’t worry I am still here reading, plus reading the funny parts OUTLOUD to my entire party so keep typing, editors, Corvallis Oregon salutes you! We are waiting for the speeches but we’re already celebrating because as everyone has figured out called states + west coast means OBAMA 08 no matter what the fuck happens everywhere else. What has the drink of choice been tonight, for everyone else? I’m drinking sloe gin fizzes by the gallon. weeeeee.
Lazy Media: But he fought in The Iraq.
Monsieur Grumpe: OK, just checked again. Franken back up. Go Al!
Mara47: I’m having Spanish cava, in honor of the Latinos who voted for Barry.
Coming up in the fall of 2009, Survivor Alaska. Watch as Sarah Palin, Joe the Plumber and some of their good friends from FOX news take on moose, Russians and socialists to see who comes out on top.
Who is this lady on CNN, and does she look anywhere near as creepy when not in HD?
missd77: You are making some people in Sydney happy, we want to laugh at McCain.
OMG: steny hoyer actually managed to eek out a win by like at least 150%
ChernobylSoup: Whatta ya mean? It’s as expected: all Mormon all the time.
Everyone on the BBC is just like John Oliver from the Daily Show, except for real. I want to buy them all crumpets!
For what it is worth, Bachmann still up by a few.
Chris Shays has lost, so all of New England is Communist now.
And Al Franken is doing well in the early vote.
Captain Justice: Dana Bash? Where have you been for the last 2 years?
Haha, suck it, Walnuts. Hopey’s going to get 270 without going west of Iowa. California and the rest of the west coast is just pwnage.
darbyogill: I’ve been doing a lot of that lately!
Florida, according to Fineman, is Old Politics. Repubes put in robocalls in to the Cuban community telling the Castro had endorsed Obama. Poor old Cubans (80+). Didn’t work. LOL. Que se jodan.
Tim Mahoney has lost in FLA. In the good news department, he has found another campaign worker to hook up with.
Hahahahaha, Fox News. If only you could learn how to shake your head with dignity from President-Elect Half-Breed Silk. But you can’t. Cause you’re evil and stupid.
BTW How the fuck do I break it to my hypersensitive, self-declared liberal friend that “mulatto” ain’t kosher? Yeesh, how foes no one in New Jersey know this???
Darehead:
Yeah. I just checked the TeeVee and with 10% Al has 6 points. Don’t scare me like that. Ga Al.
missd77: as a representative of the world. yes, we are. you made the world real happy.
John McCain hunkered down in the Goldwater suite. Obama about to take center stage.
Fineman: it may be a sea change, but it’s coming on the lake.
Everyone laughts….
BWAH! McCain’s “hunkered down in the Goldwater suite.” Perfect.
HAHAHA!! FRANKENS WINNING IN MN!!
i just popped my champagne…early NO YOU MOTHERFUCKING ASSWIPE THE BROTHER WON THE FUCKING PRESIDENCY!!! SO FUCK YOU GEORGE BUSH!!!
sorry — i’m emoting right now
i’m crying nonstop and feel like i’m on ecstasy
Monsieur Grumpe: Saowwy! When I looked he was down. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I’m sorry that I made you cry.
Gergen is acting dopey. Past his bedtime?
I guess the last thing we need to find out is if the California gays can have all the marriages that I don’t want. Yay homos!
TWO-FOUR-SIX-EIGHT-CAN YOU SPELL “R-E-P-U-D-I-A-T-E?” Fucktards.
Yo Bitters: starting tomorrow, calling us the “Democrat Party” gets you one upside the clock.
Any questions?
whatever_dc: Just popped my cava, too. It feels like a slight let down because I want the thing DECLARED, but I guess that will be within the hour?
I think nobody’s calling FLA because the last time that happened… Yada-yada. Don’t need to go there.
That B is pointing the wrong way.
Just sayin’.
~
I haz, like, 29 sadz…
-SP
remember people: please please please phone liddy dole’s office in dc tomorrow (202.224.6342) to ask if you can volunteer to help pack her ass up to move back to wherever she lives because it’s clearly not north carolina. yes — it’s mean but appropriate because she’s a cunt-ass bitch!
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2008/10/30/election-results-electora_n_139361.html
Greeks are IN THE TANK.
You think Fox haz a sad? Consider who the Freepers are considering for 2012.
Im calling Virginia, Florida, and Montana for Obama. ..And Franken to win.
BobLoblawLawBlog: If your friend was my grandmother, I would make a joke of it. “Mulatto…? *nervous laugh* Wow, I haven’t heard anyone say that in a while… I don’t think people really say that anymore grandma!”
Gloria Borger is so smart, and doesn’t try to be a flirty vixxen like Mrs. Brown.
ooo wonkette, (turn all sappy look) thanks for making the this all worthy of not suiciding since the Palin bounce. I don’t think I could have survived without the insanity you have generated. (turn off all sappy).
Tanks. really. truly OMG we probably done it. God bless us everyone!
My ten year old is watching the electoral map and he just said he needs Barry to win and since he can see Barry is winning, he can sleep now. My son is wise beyond his years.
OK return to drunken frivolity. Just wanted to share.
Oh crap, I forgot Comedy Central was doing something on the teevees
Bill Bennett should go strain his own soup.
Right, Bennett, not all Republicans are white confederate old men. There’s a few white old confederate wimminfolk in there, too.
**GO HERE DAWGS**
http://wonkette.com/404165/oh-hey-is-it-cool-if-we-liveblog-history
Daily Show for me. Then maybe FOX, to enjoy their pain.
simetrias: it’s a done deal doll…i’m the most not-gonna-jump-the-gun-queen on earth! its done! mine is laurent perrier cuvee rose brut and it’s delish! and i’m gonna drink the entire bottle by myself! woo hoo!!!!
ON THE MCCAIN STATION PUKES ARE SAYING THEY ARE GOING TO BE THE FIREWALL THAT STOPS THE DEMOCRATIC LIBRUL AGENDA! MWUAHAHAHAHA!
ya.. with chickenwire…lol
Those fucking elitist BBC had to put on that jackass John Bolton so that they can still maintain the ugly American argument. Why can’t they have a sane Republican.
Someone update the Bachmann race.
simetrias: I know what you’re saying but if you take a look (right now, 10:35 eastern), Obama is way ahead. I’m sure it’s going to change… but I didn’t figure The One would carry any pricincts whatsoever.
HuskyMescan: i would give up new hampshire if franken would win!!!
oh, by the bye, can’t fix economy with tax cuts for the rich. Even wealthy Connecticut (average family has 2.7 houses and each child has three bedrooms) knows that. 60% for Obama. And homos can still get married here. he he he I never feel so good ever before. Ever.
Rukasu: In standard def, boo.
The Oprah President Club carries the day.
Why can’t the race be called already? California + Washington = over 270 for Barry.
Everybody at Fox has a dead cat on their lap.
Pat Buchanan was talking…. But I couldn’t hear anything…..
I just turned back to MSNBC, and saw Chuck Todd writing on the magic glass, “Bush, Bush, Bush”. Are Keith, Chris, and Chuck forecasting their wrap party plans?
Brit Hume looks and sounds so morose, and that feels wonderful to me. Watching Fox is the best tool to get your snark back. It’s funny to hear how great McCain’s numbers are considering the toxic generic aversion to all things branded Republican this cycle.
OMG I just saw the painter coloring in the red and blue ice rink map at 30 Rock. Can’t wait to see all the skate blades turn it purple. HE WON!!!!!!HE WON!!!!!!!!!I LOVE BARACK!!!!!!!!!!YES WE CAN!!!YES WE CAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dr. Zoidberg: Everything I read by you is spoken in the avatar appropriate voice in my head. It is so much better this way.