WE INSIST ON STOOL SAMPLES, WHERE ARE THE STOOL SAMPLESWell, that’s it, people! After weeks of saying, “oh yeah, let us get those records together, all those detailed and important medical records, there are so many of them to compile,” Sarah Palin’s people pooped out this doozy last night: a two-page fax from a kindly community doctor who reveals that Sarah Palin is a healthy woman who exercises.

We get no exciting blood panels or discussions of lesions or topographical maps of her reproductive organs, alas.

To be fair (as they say in Journalistic Circles), Barack Obama’s doctor released a ONE-page “record” that grudgingly allowed as how Obama is a human with a pulse, so there is some precedent in this campaign for short, vague medical records. But then again, not nearly as much mystery and speculation surrounded Obama’s fifth pregnancy. (Barack Obama is a seahorse.)

Letter from Cathy Baldwin-Johnson, MD
Sarah Palin’s physician says she’s in ‘excellent health’ [Top of the Ticket]

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  • Terry

    A seahorse? That explains his uncanny ability to capture zooplankton using only his mouth.

  • ManchuCandidate

    Palin’s Head X-rays revealed nothing.

  • numbersix

    Seahorse/Hairplugs ’08!

  • StrangelyBrown

    Correction: Barack Obama is a sea unicorn.

  • mattbolt

    Can we get Maury to settle this? “Sarah Palin… you ARE the baby mama!”

  • lampadadog
  • Palin-Plumber2012

    Hey, what vandal added “and one pre-term delivery at 35 weeks gestation in 2008” to this report? First someone pranks her, and now they’re tampering with her medical files!

  • Dave J.

    I love this because it is such an obvious FUCK YOU to Walnuts. She released it on election eve, way too late for it to actually matter, but just under the wire so that nobody in 2012 can say she didn’t release her records before the election.

  • PopeyesPipe

    I would love to crawl into Barry’s pouch. It’s filled with hope and amniotic fluid.

  • La Cieca

    “Please excuse Sarah from being indicted this week as she has cramps.”

  • lampadadog

    I am ready for the socialist seahorse overlord!

  • Fly-over Correspondent

    What? No mention of her abortion?

  • AngryBlakGuy

    …whatever happened to her 8 and half month pregnant (air quotes)“Pregnant” daughter? Haven’t seen her on stage lately have we?

  • tremendous

    so Joe the doctor is totes not in the tank? sad face.

  • SayItWithWookies

    If only ovaries were brains, she could’ve out-hoped Hopey.

  • TGY

    So, Sarah Palin is a woman. Cool.

  • tinybubbles

    I work in women’s health – the story of her last delivery would have cost me my license if I were her health care provider. Premature rupture of amniotic sac with high risk pregnancy of Down baby…no way she’s getting on a plane if she’s my pt…she’s going to the closest hospital with a NICU. That is just going to go unanswered I guess.

    I’m surprised she released this information but not surprised at how vague it is…just like Barry, she’s really too young to warrant any kind of testing for weird diseases and such as.

    So why the glasses? What’s wrong with her eyes? That’s what I want to know.

  • Tommy Says Soooo

    I am waiting for Joe the Plumber’s medical records and expect the news of heavy use of the douche.

  • guangho

    Well we know that spilling your seed without procreating is a SIN so I’m guessing the first dude only had sex five times in seventeen years. No wonder his idea of a competitive sport involves abusing wild wolves in the wintertime.

  • stew

    I still say investigate pregnancy #5–we’ll need the info for 2012 when she again rises from the tundra.

  • AngryBlakGuy

    [re=162887]TGY[/re]: …how hilarious would would it be if it turned out she had a sex change?!

  • thebeatgoeson

    [re=162872]La Cieca[/re]: Win!

  • pourmecoffee

    In terms of kids, they would have to use something like that National Debt Clock to be totally accurate in real-time.

  • golliwog

    She is on ‘no routine prescription medications’…..yet.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Anyone notice the doctor’s clinic is on Piper Street. So, Sarah and Todd — couldn’t even drive around the corner, huh?

  • MoodProcessor

    I’m waiting for the topographical map of her cerebrum. I bet it’s all one color.

    That, and verified reports of her superfluous third nipple.

  • Cape Clod

    [re=162891]tinybubbles[/re]: They are corrective lenses. The only allow her to see a world where she is popular and right all the time.

  • freakishlystrong

    [re=162891]tinybubbles[/re]: It’s not her eyes that are fucked up, it’s her world view…the glasses help her see ignorant better…

  • Darehead

    Wait, she’s been her community whore-gun-izer doc since 1991? Sarah had plenny of opportunities to get herpes before that.
    Da Killa’ Godzilla-Atiilla from Wasilla ain’t vanilla. Ya know.

  • thefrontpage

    Good health, except for that Asinine Stupidity Syndrome (ASS).

  • WadISay

    [re=162859]StrangelyBrown[/re]: Will you settle for a narwhal?

  • “routine women’s health care” — John McCain and his air quotes taught me that this is liberal code for THE ABORTIONS.

  • shortsshortsshorts

    When asked for your medical records to be public, be sure that your doctor also simply states, “Ain’t dead yet, dammit.”

  • Fear of a Black Reagan

    Obama didn’t want to admit how he’s still sneakin’ smokes all the time. Michelle would whup his ass! That’s why he didn’t release full records.

    Palin? My wife says it’s probably a VD test that’s holdin’ her back.

  • masterdebater

    All we wanted were pictures….bummer

  • Tawmn


  • friendlynerd

    I can’t wait to find out that Trig is a rental.

  • superfecta

    [re=162891]tinybubbles[/re]: Ditto on every count. I’m also betting she’s had a miscarriage somewhere and since it’ll be technically recorded as ‘abortion’ they won’t release real records since it’ll freak out the fundies who don’t understand How Things Work.

  • tremendous

    [re=162910]MoodProcessor[/re]: hey, nothng wrong with a third nipple. so i heard.

  • GollyGeeWilly

    They didn’t mention anything about FOX news being stuck up her butt?
    You can’t tell where she ends, and they begin. Nothing about the
    stretched rectum (rectum? I destroyed ’em!!)

  • tinybubbles

    [re=163005]superfecta[/re]: I was thinking that too, regarding a m/c.
    She could have put a lot of talk to rest with this release, and the fact that she didn’t is telling.

  • everfade

    Can I take this moment to share a joke I heard today? Ok, I will anyhow!
    What’s the difference between Sara Palin’s mouth and her vagina?

    Only some of the shit that comes out of her vagina is retarded.

  • Anita Cocktail

    But is Andrew Sullivan satisfied?

  • gjdodger

    [re=162907]golliwog[/re]: Cindy McCain wasn’t on “routine prescription medications,” either. She took them only when she was, like, stressed out, or had a monkey on her back.

  • V572625694

    [re=163085]Anita Cocktail[/re]: No woman could satisfy Andrew Sullivan.

  • Arturo Bandini

    [re=163078]everfade[/re]: This one is for you:

    (not my doing)

  • everfade

    [re=163238]Arturo Bandini[/re]: Blocked my filters at work! Now I have to wait til I get home :(

  • Lionel Hutz Esq.

    Wait, she goes to a clinic? Don’t you go to a clinic to treat your STDs or to get needles?

  • Mr Blifil

    Pre-term delivery in 2008. Like how they snuck that in there? Um, yeah, I’m gonna have to see the results of the bloods on that one…

  • hobospacejungle

    [re=162900]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: That would explain her lack of an ass in those flute-playing swimsuit photos from the Miss Alaska contest!

  • Local Moran



  • Charlie Tuna

    I’ve heard the plastic surgery/abortion/herpes predictions.

    Yeah, maybe, but in the interest of jumping on all possible longshots early, here are some other wildcard goodies:

    1. Chemical dependency. 5 colleges in 6 years?!? This also dovetails nicely into the abortion/herpes chalk bets.

    2. Crazy pills. Maybe “maverick” is code for “xanax popper.” She is supposed to be the slightly less crazy person on the ticket. Maybe not so much?

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