Wonkette
Oh this guy. Your editor is feeling anxious and unfunny this morning, but thankfully somebody has filled in the Great Comedy Void: the New York Times’ own Bill Kristol, penning a side-splitting column about how President John McCain will be great for liberals, wokka wokka.
Reason #1: Free (mandatory) abortions, but only for liberals! We kid. Let’s see here are his reasons: first off, Barack Obama ran a great campaign, just like ExxonMobil, and liberals hate oil companies.
McCain is a lonely guy standing up against an unprecedentedly well-financed, superorganized, ExxonMobil-like Obama juggernaut. A McCain upset victory would be a classic liberal happy ending.
Silly Bill Kristol! Everyone knows the “classic liberal happy ending” involves a handjob.
It would be a victory for the future. With President Bush’s approval rating at about 25 percent, a McCain triumph would mean Americans were making a judgment on two future alternatives, not merely voting on the basis of their resentment at the past performance of George W. Bush. It would mean voters were looking ahead, not back. Liberals should therefore welcome a McCain win as a triumph of hope over fear, of the future over the past.
By that metric, it is hard to see how the election of any candidate besides George Bush could not be considered a great triumph of the “future” over the “past.”
Look at recent history. Jimmy Carter and a Democratic Congress begat Ronald Reagan. Bill Clinton and a Democratic Congress produced Newt Gingrich. Who knows what would follow a President Obama and a Democratic Congress? Here’s one possibility: President Sarah Palin.
It appears, then, that there is no avoiding having a President Palin at some point. Maybe it will be in February, after McCain is sworn in and suffers a terrible threshing machine “accident.” Or maybe it will be in four or eight years. If Obama’s elected, we’re just putting off the inevitable. SURRENDER, AMERICA.
Hey Liberals, Don’t Worry [New York Times]
Wow. I feel so guilty that Obama ran the cleaner, more upright, more successful campaign. How will my sense of cynicism survive this mighty blow?
Palin as President is inevitable, HENGHNN? Well, at least I get my handjob. Live in the moment, I say.
that Billy Kristol was so funny in When Johnny Met Sarah.
His asshattery knows no bounds
Ok, it’s true that McCain is a true maverick– “A Republican with no money.” Thank you, Saturday Night Live. I don’t think he’s as much a fan of big oil as George W. Buuut I’m not so sure I would call the Obama campaign Exxon Mobile-like. That’s taking it a bit too far, in my estimation.
http://plightofthepumpernickel.blogspot.com
Oh, God. I just finished reading that pile of tripe and come to Wonkette and find that Sarah, apparently, just finished it also.
What can I say? It reads like something published in a 3rd tier college newspaper by the head of the local chapter of the College Republicans. Actually, it reads like something you’d imagine this guy writing.
Soooo…McCain’s grim death in two years won’t beget President Sarah Palin?
Jesus. How does Bill Kristol put together his worldview every morning?
You know, if any of the girls had fucked him in high school, this never would have happened.
Even a liberal handjob might have sufficed.
Shame on you all, high school prudes with standards. You begat Bill Kristol.
It might be due to the skull-crushing hangover headache I have, but Kristol’s article makes my head spin. Is there a word for when someone says the EXACT opposite of what is logical and true with a straight face and expects people to believe them?
I read this this morning. I immediately realized I had not had my daily shit, but then it occured to me that I no longer needed it.
More Benjamin Johnson, because he was just so awesome.
Well gosh Bill Kristol when you put it that way… let me just check the box next to McCa– NOOO!
Man, that was a close one! He almost had me with his incontestable logic and smooth, Woodward-esque charm.
Oh, for God’s sake. Would someone take the bong away from Bill Kristol?
Rational thought and well reasoned arguments are not Mr. Kristol’s forte. Perhaps he should call us nigger-loving bigots instead.
Is this how you thought you’d be spending your Election Eve, Bill? Begging liberals to vote for your candidate?
Life never really lives up to the dreams we have for ourselves, does it?
What’s even scarier is that this cretin’s opinions actually carried some weight with the people in charge for the last eight years.
wait, so is he threating us with the prospect of his little ferret of the Tundra taking over the world if Obama wins? Jesus Kristol. Somebody needs a “happy ending” indeed.
If you read the New Yorker article on the Kristol sponsored Anchorage circle jerk that lead to Palin’s nomination you know that li’l Bill is the one aching for a “happy ending”. If McCain lives long enough after this defeat to write and honest memoir of the whole thing he’ll need to devote an entire chapter to explaining how he allowed his candidacy to be torpedoed by a small group of pundits and hacks who went on an Alaskan boat ride and came back with crushes on the arctic states cruise director in chief.
Everything Bill Kristol writes makes me feel that same helpless hostility toward ignorant, backwards, inbred middle-America who think Democrat=Anti-Christ. We will never emerge from the slothful, puritanical, brainless absurdity our country has become while these people still live. We should have let the South secede. Fuck ‘em all.
The Pumpernickel: Not all giant piles of money are the same. Exxon-Mobil got theirs through price fixing, terrorism, and a captive market. Obama got his through millions of grassroots volunteers. The part about this that bugs the Republicans most is not that we hate them, but that we’d give up our cigarette money to make them go the fuck away.
Oh good lord. For those of you who actually risked brain cells reading that tripe, did Kristol actually say that he penned this thing because some girl in Colorado refuses to put out for her boyfriend until she stops worrying about the outcome of the election? For reals?
I submit this article as exhibit number 892 in support of the fact that Kristol ain’t gettin’ laid at all, ever. It’s the only reason why he would bother mentioning something like that at all.
That’s like putting a lab coat on a creationist and calling him a scientist. He’s an underdog in much the same way that General Pinochet facing a prosecutor is an underdog. A McCain win will help liberalism in much the same way that a Mike Brown administration would help New Orleans. Mr. Kristol, this teeny tiny thought process of yours is one puppy I wouldn’t mind seeing thrown off a cliff. Speaking of underdogs.
She keeps your testicles in a jar, on the fireplace mantle, Bill. We get it.
“Barack Obama will probably win the 2008 presidential election. If he does, we conservatives will greet the news with our usual resolute stoicism or cheerful fatalism. Being conservative means never being too surprised by disappointment.”
This opening paragraph just sets the stage for the tone of the following horseshit.
Gotta love the gallows humor. “Ha ha, if Obama wins, and conservatism is shown to be out of favor in this country, I might have to write for the National Review to survive! Ha ha! So funny! Maybe if I kill that Peggy Noonan [John McCain's favorite term of endearment] I can keep my job!”
Condiments-Only Diet: Doublespeak? Palin-O’Brien ‘12
One thing not considered is where do the McCain backers exit to? ie if Libtards leave for Canada, isn’t there a place for the wingnuts? I could only come up with time travel and see them going to Franco’s Spain in the 50’s.
A vote against Palin is a vote for Palin!
We’ve always been at war with Eastasia!
hahaha Bill. If only you had supported Obama, you’re bizarro inverse powers might have brought about your conservative paradise. Oh well. Suck on it.
What I want to know is how can someone climb to the ranks of NY columnist solely on the back of horrifically wrong foreign policy opinions and “people should do of like the opposite of what they want or like for these stupid reasons” type columns? And how long will I have to do it before I can get my own column there? I think my soul could only take a decade of it, tops.
http://thesebastards.blogspot.com/
magictitty: I think maybe you are blaming the wrong sex for Kristol’s tightass ways…
qwerty42: Well, the Palins already support the concept of Alaska as a break-away republic.
When it’s down to nothing the only thing a Repub can offer is what ifs, looking back and whining. President Palin? Isn’t she enough of a drag on McCain’s ticket? The very idea.
Cogito Ergo Bibo: 892? No need to go that far. Here is the only thing you’ll ever need to see in order to realise why Bill never gets laid, ever.
http://images.google.com/images?hl=en&q=bill+kristol&btnG=Search+Images&gbv=2
It’s so enchanting to watch Bill Cristol employ reason. His reasoning helped establish that wacky little boy’s club, the Project for a New American Century. He helped substantially with reasoning us into Iraq. Word is he reasoned to McCain that Sarah Palin would be the moose’s pajamas, regardless of pesky details like experience or judgment. What a patriot this guy is! I can only imagine some of the other fine reasoning Cristol has done to us over the years—sneak attacks on evil-axis villages, a coup here and there, some culture-war sabotaging of fragile national unity. Such an entertaining guy, with that charming smile and that engaging Cristol wit.
Talk about yer anti-Christ.
Someone needs to give Kristol a wedgie. Who’s up for that?
All I read was: douche douche douchey douche douche douche…
Can anyone explain to me what sort of extra value the NYT thinks a “lightening-rod” Conservative propaganda robot brings to their paper? Isn’t the NYT supposed to be the most LIEberal, anti-American rag out there according to Conservative mythology? Do they keep him around strictly for the lulz?
“…hope over fear, of the future over the past.”
Hmmm that sounds oddly familiar. I think I’ve heard that line before.
It’s fine that Palin has shiksa-appeal for Billy Boy. After all, Midge Decter finds it hard to get down on her knees anymore.
But somewhere Billy will have to settle for drinks with Wendy Button and laugh to himself that it’s not only Democratic Presidents who have to settle for beret-wearing fat chicks.
Joey Ratz: My eyes! I be blinded!
Condensed version of his column: “Quack, quack quack, quack quack quack, quack quack!”
A McCain presidency: free piss-tasting lite beer, roaring snowmobile rides in hippie nature habitats, and an Inaugural Address spoken in tongues.
Me thinks Mr. Kristol forgotted his meds this day. OY.
Not to jinx Hopey or anything, but how many of you have an overwhelming desire to watch Fixed News tomorrow night to see if Hannity/O’Reilly’s heads explode?
“usual conservative stoicism” or whatever…what’s that? Another martini in the mansion while banging an illegal nanny. What a doofus. It has yet to occur to him that maybe it could beget people getting and KEEPING their heads out of their asses as we approach another decade of war, famine and the earth itself fucking evaporating.
Douchenozzle Kristol.
shoeho: I do. I’m not too worried about O’Reilly since Hopey sat down with him, and he will suck up to power to a degree.
Hannity is a moron unenlightened even by the barest flicker of life that passes Bill Orally by. For example, O’Reilly knows his ability to edit is his power, period.
If it’s close Hannity will blame Hopey’s billion dollars, conveniently forgetting that many little peoples donated little money to get Hopey’s big money.
No, the question will be what Republican will be left standing for Hannity to find an ass to suck.
douche douche douche douche douche douche douche douche The system is started, the system is down.
I’m confused. Is he saying liberals should vote for John McCain? Or is he saying that a vote for Barack Obama is a vote for John McCain? Or is he saying vote for Exxon, which will be a vote for John McCain? Or is he just autistic-ally muttering JohnMcCainJohnMcCainJohnMcCain?
shoeho:
I am soooo watching tomorrow and the next day. I want to see Brit Hume and his Fox-All Star Roundtable break down an cry.
Bill Kristol = Comedy gold!
Do tell, what states do you think will vote for Palin that currently prefer Obama over John McCain? Even one, perhaps?
Ha-ha! A white man born into military priviledge, who’s been in Congress for almost thirty years and married to a $100 million net worth aristocratic beer heiress is the underdog to a mixed race dude (who looks black) raised by a single mom, who got where he was now because of an Ivy league education and until recently owed a fortune in student loans, whose campaign like Exxonmobil is fueled by the hopes and passions of a million people who want change.
Hoo boy, nothing makes me write an almost incoherent run-on sentence more than the excitement from upsetting and making trouble for the establishment.
My head’s imploding from Kristol’s last point. Would some smart bookie please calculate for me the odds of an Obama win leading to a Sarah Palin presidency vs. a McCain win leading to the same?
Oh, and kudos, Sara, for highlighting Kristol’s hilariously dimwitted misappropriation of “happy ending.” I mean, here in San Francisco, that’s a standard phrase in the lexicon. Has this guy never had a decent massage?
Finally, Bill, the grammar police calls foul on your incorrect use of the either/or construction.
Is that a photograph of bill kristol or the wax figure of bill kristol at the h’wood wax museum?
Bill Kristol demonstrates proper Dirty Shocker form.
When he was on the Daily Show, I could have sworn Jon was going to reach across the desk and just punch the smug off his stupid face.
Your editor is feeling anxious and unfunny this morning
You should turn down your vibrator, then. Or, perhaps, turn it up.
Monkey: He speaks so easily to our fears because they are his own. Haha. he is what he ridicules. I think he believes that if he can get every, even moderately, liberal person in America to hate him, perhaps his fellow NeoCons will forget/forgive him as the one responsible for hoisting the Moosetard into party leadership.
i’ve said it before and i’ll say it again: billy–you were much much funnier during your “city slickers” days…
Cheer up, Sara. You’re totally funny. Maybe not Lightning-Rod Conservative funny. But very possibly Peggy Noonan funny… or even Ahmadinejad-as-a-Blingee funny.
Wait, was I high the whole time Gingrich was president? Or was it just all the blood lost from constant abortions?
Why do I even read Kristol’s crap? I wasted three minutes of my life trying to give it a fair reading, and now there isn’t enough Vicodin and tequila in the world to get my head back to where it was four minutes ago.
Serolf David: Did I detect, for the first time, a moment of desperation in your voice? Only the New Logic can cure this… Kristol has it right!: If Obama wins, we lose! If Obama loses, we lose earlier!…alternatively, Krystal Meth could help….
Poor Bill Kristol…., So many countries to bomb, and no one is listening to him anymore.
He sure does write good!
His logic reminds me of the righty blow-hole on Hardball last week moaning that for one party to have a congressional majority and the presidency would be a disaster. Until Tweety asked him if that included the same scenario for Repubs and he got all spluttery and stuttery.
Since Kristol is wrong about everything, his column can be translated into truth as: “McCain can’t possibly win. Liberals should worry.” This makes as much sense as what was published.
“It’s an inside straight. But I’ve seen gamblers draw them.”
Gamblers, sure. Gamblers are morons with no sense of odds, two ex-wives, and rings around the rings around their eyes. Poker players would bet every chip in their stack on an Obama presidency, because they would be getting their money with the nut hand. (Not to be confused with the hand Kristol keeps on his….pen while thinking of his Caribou dream.)
Columnists should be judged on what they write when they have nothing to write about as much as when they are on their game, and this is Kristol with nothing. What remains? Snark, spite, and utterly nonsensical spoutings. In other words, his worst column pretty much is the same as his best column. Well done, Willy.
War is peace
Freedom is Slavery
Love is hate
McCain is Obama
I am the Walrus, goo-goo gajoob.