Wonkette
- John McCain is right where he wants to be: 8 points down, with 36 hours until the polls close. [Washington Post]
- Speaking of polls — the latest WSJ/NBC News poll was conducted over the weekend and shows Obama with a 51% to 43% advantage. [FOX News]
- Kids who watch a lot of sexin’ on the teevee are more likely to get pregnant than ones who don’t. [MSNBC]
- SWAT teams and tactical units are on standby for Tuesday-night riots in four major American cities: Chicago, Detroit, Philadelphia, and Oakland. [Boston Herald]
- Touch-screen voting machines are awful, and many electronic voting machines don’t actually record votes, but we are still better equipped — technology and process-wise — for this election than we were for the nightmare in 2000. [New York Times]
- Five homeless people were found shot to death near the 405 in Long Beach. [Los Angeles Times]
DAILY BRIEFING
If Barry wins, the SWAT teams better hie itself on out to rural, bubba-land. Them folks are going to be mighty pissed.
Hey, What about ATL and LA. We wanna riot too!
The Palin household must have had the full cable lineup then.
Today’s Doonesbury is awesome.
Faux Headline “WSJ Poll: Obama’s Lead Narrows; McCain Sees Hope Among Undecideds”
The McCain campaign keep talking about coming from behind to win. Bragging about beating 9houl1ani, Dipshit McGoo Thompson and Huckleberry is like proclaiming you can win the Olympic 100m Sprint because you beat the Special Needs kids in a footrace to get cookies.
Obviously the polls are not showing any reflection yet of the inevitable Ken Layne endorsement bounce.
The Philly SWAT teams might be busy cleaning up any remaining Phillies rioters, though.
Someone in an Afro wig and humongous shoes offered to let me vote early rather than stand in line.
Oddly, his “touch screen” was a mesh pocket seemingly inhabited by a midget boa roused to life as it kept its eggs warm.
Teen #1 Hey, that looks like fun. Let’s try it.
Teen #2 O.K.
The power of advertising.
ManchuCandidate: If special needs kids were involved, Walnuts would not have to beat them in a foot race. He would let them win and bring the cookies back, and then trade them a magic rock for the cookies. And then have them shipped to Guantanamo where they would be forced to listen to Joe Flurfleflacker the toilet plunger. Because Walnuts hates America, and special needs children.
SWAT teams are getting special training against angry mobs of rednecks attacking with dead varmints, muskets and pitchforks.
Cape Clod: When you’ve got endorsements from George Bush, Dick Cheney, Osama Bin Laden and some plumber from Ohio, do you REALLY think it’s going to matter?
What, they don’t think DC is likely to riot? I for one am insulted.
Re: Point #3:
Maybe the kids aren’t getting knocked up BECAUSE they watch people getting funky on basic cable, maybe they’re both watching the deed being done and going around getting banged BECAUSE of the same root cause: they’re teenage hormonal horndogs.
Texan Bulldoggette: I know, I had to clean up TWO burnt crosses from the bottom of my driveway this morning.
In an era of supersonic fighter jets, microscopic processing chips and complex robotics, you’d think a major tech company with a fat government contract could make machinery that was sophisticated enough to run the process “Select A or B, count number of A’s and B’s selected” for half a day every 4 years.
“I’m gonna write me a ballot,
and mail it in the air…”
Terry: I may have mentioned this once before, but we run a pretty tight ship around this household with respect to TeeVee and the Internets. But my (then) seven year old came home from a playdate with his evangelical Christian friend and I caught him showing his OLDER brother bigboobs.com (or something). Turns out his little friend and his sibblings were all over these sites (of course with the oblvious parents not realizing what they were doing).
Those folks moved to South Carolina because “they couldn’t stand how liberal the schools were in 99% Republican western New Jersey)”
4tehlulz: Phillies fans were remarkably well-behaved, at least by the standards of Philadelphia sports fans.
And then, there was Chase Utley:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uVIJVMZZMiQ
If you need proof of the ravages of alcohlism, turn to MSNBC–Hitchens is on and it/he is downright scary.
Texan Bulldoggette: I want to be a fly on the wall in Vidor, Texas if Barry wins.
FMA: Chase is not in the tank for McCain/Palin
Ok, if SWAT teams are protecting cities against teh blacks in case Obama loses, can we make sure we have them protecting Lee Greenwood in case Mccain loses?
Or do they riot if he wins? We are talking about Philly after all. I’m confused.
stew: His eyes are so bloodshot.
Johnny Zhivago: Evangelical kids, you sure they weren’t looking at bigdicks.com?
Itsjustme: also hair mussed, sickly skin color, body tremors and hacking cough–I’d actually feel sorry for him if he wasn’t such a prick.
Assuming Barry actually wins (I won’t believe it until someone from Wonkette actually endorses McCain), the weekly Tuesday night 4-way between the Cheney’s and Bush’s will be more subdued than usual - I would assume. Think of that image, beeches.
The Homeless murders are in the GOP playbook of voter supression…everyone knows the homeless is in the tank for Barry…
How many Wonketteers will be seduced by the kind of erotic ad on these pages showing Prince Charming and Sleeping Beauty, “$59 a night,” too. This may help some forget the E-surance girl.
And everyone said I was a pervert when I made my 3-year-old son wear a condom while watching The Lion King 2.
Dear Wonkette:
Can you please post something happy?
You’re getting me down, and we haven’t even lost yet.
Sincerely,
Your fan
Y’know how some people are born with a meaning in life? Philadelphians are born to riot. Ever since their childhood, they were fantasizing about all the windows they could break, all the strangers they could punch, all the flaming garbage they could use to create a barricade between them and the riot police. A local baseball squad defeating various Puerto Ricans representing the town of Tampa Bay? Let’s burn some goddamn cars! A BLACK President? Holy crap! Let’s demolish entire buildings and piss on the Liberty Bell!
With Buchanan, Mika, Barnacle and that Willie guy all touting the inevitability of an Obama victory, I thought Joe Scarburough started to roll into a fetal position a couple times. He just kept saying, “But McCain has always had to come from behind to win.”
cal: Um, this was meant for the tattoo post, but you get what I’m sayin’….
“I’m very optimistic,” says William Scott Maxwell, 52, a computer programmer and self-described “paleo-con” from Middletown, Pa. “Why? Because God wouldn’t do that to us. This country is built on freedom. Obama is not basing his platform on freedom.”
How do people get this way? In the waters of denial.
mattbolt: The meme you’re looking for is “If we could put a man on the moon…”
mattbolt: My theory about point 3 is usually kids who aren’t watching the sexy sitcoms are doing so because their parents are controlling. If you can’t get away with watching “Sex and the City”, how are you going to get away with having sex?
Also,
“Here we are trying to export democracy (in Iraq) and have others emulate a quiet transfer of power,” Murphy said. “It would really set us back if we go nuts - whether we don’t like the outcome, or do like the outcome.”
Yes, we’d look more like fools in the eyes of the world (and ourselves) than we do already.
Well, either way, we’ll know in two days whether or not the Gubment has perfected the shit-ray and the microwave blood boiler. Good times to be a Murkan.
Emergency squads in Eugene, Arcata, Missoula, and Burlington are prepared for election night as well, with well-trained teams expert in bong water replenishment, pipe-screen replacement, and ditch-weed THC augmentation. Pizza delivery drivers are also on alert in these cities.
Here on Election Day (the Day of the Locusts in the local dialect) in the mid-sized city of Undisclosed Location, all the police will be on duty in their starched black uniforms (it’s true, their uniforms are black, don’t know whose idea that was), the sheriff’s deputies will be out in force in their combat fatigues with extra donuts strapped on, the firemen will be ready to slide down their poles on a nanosecond’s notice, and the streetwalkers have announced they will accept as payment canned goods, bottled water, ammo (all calibers), and high-grade imported Alaskan meth.
TGY: HAHA, I am so glad I live in Massachusetts. The McCain supporters here would be confused if WALNUTS actually managed to get elected.
mattbolt:
Or just use a fucking piece of paper and a pen like you and I used in the Canada City Elections.
UH, I just noticed that McCain’s last stop tonight before going home to Arizona at like 2 AM Eastern time is in Roswell, NM.
A lot of things just became clearer.
A little bit of sexytime on the TV is OK, but there shall be moral outrage if somebody mentions getting a condom in said sexytime!
TGY: You know what else is in Middletown, Pa.?
Three Mile Island.
A little mutation just might explain things.
i live in missouri we dont riot here, but we have the “piss and moan” style of fighting down to a science. no matter who wins, bitters everywhere.
Five homeless people shot to death? Sounds like McNulty is at it again.
emcee: No riots in Florida? Hey, no fair!
Yeah, look at that guy in Tennessee who shot up a church full of “liberals”. Those swat teams need to redeploy.
FMA: Oh. Of course.
If Hollywood still made movies like Double Indemnity and Mildred Pierce, and teevee like the Honeymooners and Star Trek, then maybe I wouldn’t want so much to see so much the bounteous female form on the tevee.
One day more, chirren. To paraphrase the KJV:
And there was war in heaven: Obama and his angels fought against McCain; and McCain fought and his angels, and prevailed not; neither was their place found any more in heaven. And McCain was cast out, that old serpent, called the Devil, and Satan, which deceiveth the whole world: he was cast out into the earth, and his angels were cast out with him. And I heard a loud voice saying in heaven, Now is come salvation, and strength, and the kingdom of our God, and the power of his Christ: for the accuser of our brethren is cast down, which accused them before our God day and night.
Revelations 12:7-10
Johnny Zhivago: No muskets, sadly. Their cars and attitudes regarding race, science and gender roles may be antique, but their artillery is surprisingly up-to-date.
Know how to prevent rioting here in my lovely City of Detroit? DON’T ELECT JOHN McCAIN! That is all.
Obv the only way to protect Obama during our National Election Night O’ Rioting is to enclose him in a giant, bulletproof hamster ball: http://urbzen.com/2008/10/28/secret-service-obama-to-campaign-in-giant-bulletproof-hamster-ball/
Same for Joe Biden, plus soundproofing.
TGY: Dear Mr Maxwell:
God also gave us George Bush. Go Figure.
JamesMichaelCurley: “But McCain has always had to come from behind to win.” That’s what Cindy says.
Here in rural SE Minnesota, we are using the “leftover Halloween candy” voting method. The election judges in my township have all agreed to allow double voting, if you’re using Lindor truffles.
nurple: Ah, so you are a M.Cain fan after all.
James M. Cain, that is.
TGY: So when this guy wakes up on Wednesday morning, sees that Barry won, is he going to
a) Think that Barry’s victory is a sign from God that we should be more tolerant and inclusive to others not like us, be more progressive in using the resources of government for overall good of society and its less fortunate elements, be a more humble and less warlike people?
B) Shake his fist at the sky and scream, “Dammit God, ya screwed up! Dumbass!”
How about we get the same people who make the citibank ATM touchscreens to make the voting machine touchscreens? I certainly have never had the ATM mistake a 6 for a 5 (not that a 6 is in my PIN…), nor have they ever taken vast sums (yeah right) of money that belong to me and given it to some schlep who didn’t earn it.
Seriously, why the fuck should I believe anyone who says there are good reasons for voting machines NOT TO WORK? Jesus Christ and his black brother Harry, people.
Excuse me while I recalibrate myself…oh yeah, I *DO* love McCain/Palin. I always thought so all along…phew! Well, that’s a relief then.
turdsandwich: “Seriously, why the fuck should I believe anyone who says there are good reasons for voting machines NOT TO WORK? Jesus Christ and his black brother Harry, people.”
THIS: http://blog.dispatch.com/vote08/2008/11/obama_mccain_missing_from_some.shtml
What if the poll workers “forgot” to tell people about the defective voting machine? (No stupid arguments about “it would affect both candidates”; many precincts in Ohio are heavily pro-Obama.)