LOSERS  10:13 pm November 2, 2008

We Told You Tattoos Aren’t Cool

by Ken Layne

Tattoo you.
The history of American Tattoos: 1) Poor greasers and sailors and bikers and gang-bangers get tattoos. 2) “Edgy” fad spreads to various musical subcultures, mostly rockabilly and punk. 3) 1990s grunge era seduces even elitist college kids into getting inked. 4) Trickle-down tattoo economics means every single white-trash person now has several ugly tattoos on their fat legs (for gals) and necks (for the gents). 5) Every low-rent strip mall has a tattoo shop next to the payday loan place. 6) Arkansas tattoo parlor proudly aligns with right-wing jesus-freak racists. [Arkansas Times Blog]


Hola wonkerados.

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choinski November 2, 2008 at 10:17 pm

You forgot porn stars. Seems every porn star has a tatoo up their (really, not figuratively) wazoo.

grendel November 2, 2008 at 10:21 pm

I guess I feel a little better about being within 20 miles of the raccoon sign now…. No. No I don’t.

DustBowlBlues November 2, 2008 at 10:26 pm

Why are the wingers hysterical? True hysteria. I’ve never seen a group go this crazy. You’d think they’d see the election of a Muslim terrorist as a sign that the Apocalypse is here and be celebrating the fact they’re all about to fly away in a rapture machine.

Come on, wingers. Get into the action. This is like some lame left-behind book and you’re just not getting it. You are so going to be left behind with the sinners.

Mrs. K November 2, 2008 at 10:26 pm

I so regret my 1990s seduction. Stupid, stupid, stupid!

BillyClubb November 2, 2008 at 10:27 pm

So I suspect that this tattoo parlor would not be the best place to get a Barack Obama tattoo.

Oh well, I wouldn’t be the first to get Obama’s likeness inked on me anyway.

itgetter November 2, 2008 at 10:33 pm

Is this where Palin got her lips done?

Custerwolf November 2, 2008 at 10:34 pm

Nice neighborhood. Home to the type of folks who consider themselves good parents because they won’t let their 12 year-old smoke at the dinner table in front of her kid.

Myrna the Minx November 2, 2008 at 10:36 pm

I thank god everyday that numerous friends have failed to brow beat me into getting a tattoo.

Texan Bulldoggette November 2, 2008 at 10:38 pm

Because my parents live in AR (who are probably the only 2 Arkies that voted for Barry), I’m not surprised by this racism. What I AM surprised at is that ALL the words are spelled correctly on the sign. Damn, that’s something.

JeffGoldblum November 2, 2008 at 10:40 pm

We all went into this knowing that Barry O’Hussein was the Anti Christ. Have you seen the guy?

Sub_Standard November 2, 2008 at 10:43 pm

These guys will inject freedom directly into your skin, along with Hepatitis.

expatinOz November 2, 2008 at 10:45 pm

My cousin is a hip, lesbian tattoo artist and I think it’s safe to say that these Arkies shame her noble profession.

dogscantlookup November 2, 2008 at 10:46 pm

I dun got a lizard tattoo in 1998 cuz I wanted to be a herpetologist and I liked lizards, now I’m unemployed

BillyClubb November 2, 2008 at 10:48 pm

[re=160316]expatinOz[/re]: Being a lesbian is a profession?

Viva la Cynthia November 2, 2008 at 10:53 pm

[re=160298]grendel[/re]: ditto, and now I regret my tattoos, too. i haz a sad.

slappypaddy November 2, 2008 at 10:53 pm

Okay, cognitive dissonance time. D’ya think that maybe these tattoo hate-boys are unaware that somewhere in that vast, labyrinthine holy book of theirs (aka, The Bible, and I can’t pin the citation down right now because frankly my dears I don’t give that much of a shit), it says, “Thou shalt not get tattoos” (though not quite in those words)?

Crab1 November 2, 2008 at 10:53 pm

The only tattoo you can get at this parlor is an eagle with and American Flag,cept on Wednesdays when Jamiedeen’s parents watch her baby. She’ll draw you a facn bitchin’ naked lady riding a flying dragon.

wheelie November 2, 2008 at 10:54 pm

That store is run by a bunch a friggin liars. They tattooed “Krauthammer 4 Eva” on my ass and it turns out after that there’s no such German metal band.

Crab1 November 2, 2008 at 10:54 pm

[re=160318]dogscantlookup[/re]: The moral: Never dream.

Upthruster November 2, 2008 at 11:01 pm

While you finish my tramp-stamp, I’m gonna quote you some scripture…you betcha.

McCainsThirdNipple November 2, 2008 at 11:02 pm

DO NOT STRUGGLE, YOUNG ONE! YOUR BLOOD SHALL REPLENISH ME! http://www.moltz.net/~john/blog/?p=1592

One Yield Regular November 2, 2008 at 11:04 pm

[re=160300]DustBowlBlues[/re]: Exactly. No “Left Behind” readers left behind!

One Yield Regular November 2, 2008 at 11:11 pm

Real nice guys there at Club Tattoo:


Be sure to check out the merchandise, which includes “air fresheners” designed to look like handicapped parking placards.

I’m sending THAT link to the American Association of People with Disabilities.

HuskyMescan November 2, 2008 at 11:13 pm

There’s a lady at my gym that has a tattoo of a giant black crucifix on her lower back above her ass. It’s so confusing.
I have one but it’s definitely Satanic which makes sense on me.

agitpropster November 2, 2008 at 11:21 pm

The kind of place where you are overdressed if you have both ears.

SayItWithWookies November 2, 2008 at 11:24 pm

Does that mean I’m cool again? And by again, I mean finally. No — no — probably not.

bluebrazos November 2, 2008 at 11:25 pm

I can’t wait to get a tattoo of the anti-christ!

PS I like my tattoo and don’t regret it at all. It took me almost 40 years to get it and it’s the only thing I’ve ever done that really horrified my mom.

Custerwolf November 2, 2008 at 11:26 pm

Billy Club, eh? I suppose his kid’s name is Night Stick.

bluebrazos November 2, 2008 at 11:27 pm

[re=160352]bluebrazos[/re]: That she knows about.

Fly-over Correspondent November 2, 2008 at 11:34 pm

And if there’s any group who would recognize the anti-christ when they see him, it would be tattoo artists.

PS — I managed to spend four years in the Navy without ever getting inked.

Scooter November 2, 2008 at 11:34 pm

Wouldn’t it be cool if Obama won all 666 electoral votes?

bluebrazos November 2, 2008 at 11:41 pm

[re=160364]Scooter[/re]: Ha ha. All 50 states, DC and the 128 electoral votes from all 9 circles of hell.

Winsome November 3, 2008 at 12:05 am

I got my first one in 1971 because Janis Joplin had one, but I hid it from my mother for 3 years. The second one is a matching one I got with my daughter when she turned 18.

shortsshortsshorts November 3, 2008 at 12:34 am


Lionel Hutz Esq. November 3, 2008 at 12:35 am

Legend has it that Sarah Palin’s tramp stamp contains a map to the locations of the sacred jelly beans that will bring the second coming of Ronald Reagan.

bago November 3, 2008 at 12:38 am

Spank that ass and watch the nobama fly?

Lascauxcaveman November 3, 2008 at 12:52 am

[re=160352]bluebrazos[/re]: Y’know, after 40 or so, you’re supposed to be past all your mother issues.

[re=160345]agitpropster[/re]: Winny win win.

thesycophant November 3, 2008 at 1:12 am

There is a tattoo-parlor-adjacent-to-a-payday-loan-store on both the East and West sides of the block my office building is on.

FreshCliches November 3, 2008 at 1:12 am

I’ll wager 10 Whore ♦s that ♣ Tattoo doesn’t ♥ the ♠.

Jukesgrrl November 3, 2008 at 1:42 am

[re=160324]slappypaddy[/re]: I think it’s in the Old Testament because my friend’s dad is a rabbi and he said tatts are trafe. Do you know any tattooed Jewish people?

BillyT November 3, 2008 at 1:49 am

When these trash heap critters decided they’re hungry enough they WILL tattoo an Obama sign on me.

sadderbutnowiser November 3, 2008 at 2:03 am

[re=160437]Jukesgrrl[/re]: I worked in an office where one of the attorneys had, in the wake of the end of marriage #1, decided to move back to the home state and rediscover her connection to the Tribe of her people, which apparently required a lot of work to get several tats removed …

TGY November 3, 2008 at 2:04 am

They fear, groundlessly, that Obama will take away their chaps.

The Crazy Christian November 3, 2008 at 2:14 am

That would be SO great if Obama’s the Anti-Christ. It means the Lord’s coming back soon.

Therefore, ALL Christians are called upon to vote for Barack Obama.

FreshCliches November 3, 2008 at 2:17 am

[re=160437]Jukesgrrl[/re]: When you’re subjected to a bris, dermal protection becomes a priority.

TGY November 3, 2008 at 2:19 am

[re=160450]The Crazy Christian[/re]: Yes, I always wondered about that. Of course, I believe all eschatology is a pile of ‘schat’.

the invisible woman November 3, 2008 at 2:49 am

OK, that’s it. Read my trembling lips: Somebody is going to die on election day, and it better not be my new president, Barack Jesus Christ Obama. (Somebody take Neilist’s guns.) The crucifixion of Barck Obama needs to wait, but if it doesn’t, I volunteer to be Mary in La Pieta. I’m not kidding. It’s going to be in the south, and it won’t be somebody getting hurt; it will be somebody dying. Let’s hope its just one of the Nazi meth labs exploding since that was bound to happen anyway, I mean they’ve got to fund this race war somehow.

Borat November 3, 2008 at 3:16 am

I really don’t get why conservative Jeebus freaks started to like tattoos. I’m not sure I follow how the socially rebellious became mainstream, but I’m sure Bush is to blame.

ahprahran November 3, 2008 at 3:37 am

I shouldn’t be surprised, but I thought it’d atleast be a little further south than Fayetteville, AR. But, granted, all Fayetteville really is is a college with a bunch of drunk kids

Uncle Al November 3, 2008 at 3:38 am

For some reason I’m not feeling my usual hate, except I hate to think what it must be like to grow up in a strip-mall-outhouse-mullety-bible-thumping-crummy-schools section of Arkansas…..

Bathroom Goblin November 3, 2008 at 3:53 am

Giraldo Rivera, but I dont really know him, he’s just a friend I met through the TeeVee.

Aurelio November 3, 2008 at 4:20 am

[re=160312]JeffGoldblum[/re]: Don’t you know anything? The anti-Christ is a Jew. Source. Does Barry look Jewish to you, Mr., uh, Goldblum?

srpen November 3, 2008 at 5:15 am

Well, duh, of course he’s the damn antichrist…! That’s why I’m voting for him! I’m so fed up with choosing the lesser of two evils!

slappypaddy November 3, 2008 at 5:25 am

[re=160462]the invisible woman[/re]: “OK, that’s it. Read my trembling lips:”

I can’t see them, you’re invisible.

slappypaddy November 3, 2008 at 5:31 am

[re=160425]FreshCliches[/re]: Sweet. You get a whore diamond and a bonus can of Hobo Beans for that one. Hell, we’ll even throw in a set of Truk Nutz (I just had my truck fixed).

the invisible woman November 3, 2008 at 5:32 am

slappypaddy- yes but you can feel them trembling as I whisper in your ear: “Somebody is going to fucking die on election day.”

WonderWomyn November 3, 2008 at 5:36 am

[re=160337]One Yield Regular[/re]: Wow. Just wow.

regisgoat November 3, 2008 at 6:14 am

[re=160425]FreshCliches[/re]: Great one–

From the website, the older guy who runs the joint describes his own field of endeavor, when not calling Obama the anti-christ:
“He is currently learning to speak Spanish and enjoys working with our Hispanic clientele.” Tattooing the names of far-away villages on the shoulders of chicken-decapitating Tyson slaves, while endorsing the kind of politicians that’ll make their lives even more miserable than they are already. It’s a living,
Anyway, despite this sign, tattoos remain as cool now as they have been for the past 3000 years. You just have to pick the right one. Put your girlfriend’s name or a Tasmanian Devil on your pelt and ten years later you’ll be paying for the Goldfinger style laser treatment 10 years later.

slappypaddy November 3, 2008 at 6:16 am

[re=160483]the invisible woman[/re]: Yea, sweet woman of wisdom and foresight, ’tis true, ’tis true, though we know not where, nor how, nor who.

arf November 3, 2008 at 7:05 am

Here’s the response a tattoo artist from Miami sent me after I made a comment on teh myspace about Obama NOT being a socialist. Enjoy:

haa yeah okay you eat it all up if you want .I dont like any of them, either side but the lesser of two evils is as plain as day this time around. my family lived this shit once before. so please dont go telling me about “you up on this stuff” it doesnt take a scholar to know a shit sandwich when he sees it.. history is there for all to see a few years ago we in my home town tried to warn Venezuelans about Chavez, and now look what they got ..too late now . call me what you want I dont have much, but everything i have ive worked for i dont want anything taken from someone who has more than me because some ass clown in the W.H. decided it was the right thing to do. let those people who have money decide what they do with it KEEP GOV. OUT is all im saying .I respect you and your opinion and you should respect mine too…BTW isnt it funny how Hollywood backs this cockamamie and I dont see their movie Gaffers getting paid the same as the likes of Matt damon and Angelina ? Sorry but you support this im cool with that I wont ..have a great day..

BTW, I like my tattoos and wouldn’t mind a couple more (maybe a leprechaun holding 2 beers, with the phrase “Irish handcuffs” under it).

Giant Robot November 3, 2008 at 7:40 am

[re=160474]Aurelio[/re]: LMAO…Joe Lieberman is the anti-christ. I’m updating his wiki page right now.

rocktonsammy November 3, 2008 at 7:58 am

I’m waiting for the celebrities to save the day, where are they?

ManchuCandidate November 3, 2008 at 8:21 am

I guess making money inking Tramp stamps that say “Insert Here” or “Limit Two Riders” on fat Hillbilly Skanks is okay in the eyes of Hillbilly Jeebus.

Birdcrash November 3, 2008 at 8:31 am

“All of our Artists and Piercers are State Certified and our Studio is regularly inspected by the Arkansas Department of Health and Human Services.”

Appealing to my inner liberal. How delicious.

iolanthe November 3, 2008 at 9:02 am

[re=160464]Borat[/re]: “I really don’t get why conservative Jeebus freaks started to like tattoos. I’m not sure I follow how the socially rebellious became mainstream”

That’s easy. Because White Trash get every fashion fad last. Dead last. Twenty years late, sometimes. Think of it as fashion trickle-down.

That’s how the mullet, the edgy glam-rock hairstyle of the early 70s (it’s true; check out the cover of Bowie’s “Diamond Dogs”) became the redneck go-to male hairstyle of the early 90s.

And that’s why dumb kids in every redneck town in the country today dress like N.W.A. in the late 80s.

3dollarbill November 3, 2008 at 9:48 am

[re=160425]FreshCliches[/re]: WIN

DanginMpls November 3, 2008 at 10:14 am

[re=160326]wheelie[/re]: There should definitely be a band named Krauthammer!

ella November 3, 2008 at 11:27 am

I only know one line of Foxworthy’s: If you know someone who financed a tatttoo, you just might be..

ivenson November 3, 2008 at 11:44 am

[re=160425]FreshCliches[/re]: Whore squares? I remember we used to play whoresquare back in fourth grade. I always lost.

Jay-C November 3, 2008 at 1:30 pm

So wait, is Hussein Obama “THE” Anti-Christ, or is he just “anti Christ?” My undecided vote hinges on the distinction!

risqueclay November 3, 2008 at 3:53 pm

My grandmother advised me regarding tatoos. “Honey, don’t draw on the upholstery.”

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