quantum leaps

John McCain Is Everywhere At The Same Time On Monday

Terror forever!The RNC bought John McCain a $150,000 traveling machine that will warp the time-space continuum and create wee worm holes for the action hero to use in his quest to visit all 50 states simultaneously on Monday. His schedule includes stops in Florida, Virginia, Pennsylvania, Indiana, New Mexico, Nevada, and Arizona. That will conclude the “feats of intergalactic stamina” portion of the presidential contest, and then it’s on to the “how many jars of Mother’s Mango Pickle can you consume before you vomit?” segment, in which Barack Obama is heavily favored. [First Read]

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Sara K. Smith was Wonkette's morning editor from 2008 to 2010, and now contributes a weekly (?!) column to Wonkette, to prove she still loves you all!

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79 comments

  1. V572625694

    Quit trying to make us feel sorry for this sad old man, yo-yo-ing across the country as if it would make any difference.

    The GIF shows the unmistakable influence of Peruvian witch curses, doesn’t it?

  2. SayItWithWookies

    “Gov. Palin will hit Ohio, Missouri, Iowa, Colorado, Nevada and Alaska in the final day of campaigning”
    Alaska?! Why, is she ovulating?

  3. Dave J.

    The dood is going to be completely incoherent by the end of Monday. Most 72 year old guys get tired if they have to stop by the grocery store after going out to dinner, and McCain’s traveling through every state plus three Canadian provinces?

  4. DoctorCulturae

    [re=159113]Gopherit v2.0[/re]: I can hardly wait. It will be gaffetastic.

    Hopemaster will show him up by donning a track suit and running from state to state… on his hands.

  5. SayItWithWookies

    [re=159113]Gopherit v2.0[/re]: Remember in ’96 when Bob Dole spent the last 100 hours of his campaign on nonstop stumping? He was barely coherent at the end of that. Unfortunately, that’s McCain’s starting point. The next 30 hours are going to get increasingly loopy, I guarantee.

  6. Texan Bulldoggette

    [re=159115]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Apparently it’s to vote. I guess they’ve never heard of a little thing like an absentee ballot. Then she’ll be in AZ for Tuesday night. The dumbfuckery of all that stupid, pointless travel boggles the mind.

  7. chascates

    Something as simple as a broken flux capacitor could cause McCain to age several thousand years. He would just be a bag of white, puffy skin.

  8. Crab1

    [re=159113]Gopherit v2.0[/re]: It isn’t like he needs to stay up late on Tuesday. I don’t think a concession speech before 9:15 EST is out of the question. Really, his last stop in Arizona should just be the concession. Then he will drop dead on stage. THE END

  9. Ophelia Butts

    Sorry, I got distracted by the mango pickle. Mmmmmm. . . .mango pickle.

    Oh, sorry, you said something about a decapitated corpse stumping across the country? Perhaps I should not have trick-or-treated for booze last night.

  10. Hooray For Anything

    Considering who his VP pick is, I can only hope someone on the McCain campaign team realizes how dangerous this stunt can be.

  11. bluebrazos

    Sir, we’ve analyzed their attack and their is a danger.

    If they go back in time and bring McCain v1.0 back from 2000 they might win. Shall we have ACORN standing by?

  12. WonkaBee

    [re=159126]gg[/re]:

    YOW! She really wasn’t listening very carefully was she? So many clues just blew by her….

  13. slappypaddy

    It’s like when you skip a stone across a pond. The last few hops come real close together, then the stone plops out of sight and sinks.

    Hop, hop, hop-hop-hop, plop!

  14. Guppy06

    [re=159115]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Her water just broke. She’ll be doing her next few campaign appearances with her legs crossed until she gets back to Alaska.

  15. rubybuckaroo

    [re=159115]SayItWithWookies[/re]:
    Alaska?! Why, is she ovulating?

    SayItWithWookies you get the WIN

  16. MarieDeGournay

    On the bright side, if Grampy’s time/space warping car has a malfunction it might send him back in time to the early Cenozoic where he will accidently step on a beetle. When he returns he will find that Al Gore had won the 2000 election. No of the horrible stuff will had happened, and we were all good, and happy.

  17. the invisible woman

    Kwame: I had the same thought about the diapers. I was going to suggest a catheter!! Hey he’s 72, let’s be real about bladder control.

    I think it’s time for McCain to re-watch his “No, You Can’t” Video. John: Can I win this election by running all over the country stlalked by my 72-year old bladder? Answer: No, You Can’t – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EUKINg8DCUo

  18. WadISay

    Slightly O/T, but Bill Kristol has asked me to pull together a few ideas for his Wednesday column. Here’s what I’ve got so far:

    * Obama does NOT have a mandate to govern.
    * This defeat, though seemingly crushing, is in no way a rejection of Conservativism (citing the election for dogcatcher in Council Bluffs, where a staunch Conservative beat a moderate Dem).
    * Sarah Palin is now a totemic figure on the national landscape, and has all but guaranteed her election in 2012.
    * McCain would have won, if he had only run more to the right.
    * McCain can now take his place as the stentorian voice of deep experience and sagacity on Face the Nation and Meet the Press, as part of a sort of government in exile.

  19. hobgoblin of little minds

    Wow, they’re like the anti-Santa Claus–spreading a clusterfuck of hatred and stupidity to the bitter cretins around the country.

  20. user-of-owls

    [re=159186]WadISay[/re]:

    * Now is the time for a serious reconsideration of the wisdom of giving Negros the right to vote.

  21. user-of-owls

    [re=159189]hobgoblin of little minds[/re]: Obama should save a little bit of his Herculean war chest and on his first day in office, cut a check for $7,200,000 to the Russians and give them back the damn title to Alaska.

  22. Scandalabra

    Right after the concession, I bet they dump Palin, her brood and her luggage on the tarmac in Phoenix, with one-way coach tickets and a “nice to know you, bitch”.

  23. ClueHeywood

    McCain’s ending his Monday tour at a rally in Prescott, Arizona. I’m currently in Prescott, Arizona, and can report that the locals have readied the welcome…posted around the main square today I saw several 4X8 pieces of plywood spray painted with “No Socialism. No Obama.” Should be a lively “rally.”

  24. hobgoblin of little minds

    [re=159193]user-of-owls[/re]: Alternatively, Barry could re-create the land bridge across the Bering Sea and leave a trail of meth crumbs leading to Moscow and they’ll leave of their own accord.

  25. 2druk2phluq

    I would appreciate the gif more if there was a kid kicking his head down the street. What’s weird is that the gif moves slower on akregator than on firefox. It was kind of lame on akregator. It looks good here.

  26. Mahousu

    Whoa, hold it a second there. Is that pickle made with garlic? Because John McCain adheres to the shastras pretty strictly, and he cannot abide a pickle with garlic.

  27. Custerwolf

    [re=159199]Itsjustme[/re]: For kindly providing me with the proper verification (Unfortunate Palin assistant take note).

  28. Mahousu

    John McCain is the Kwisatz Haderach. Mango pickle provides the spice agony. It all makes sense now.

  29. Custerwolf

    [re=159220]Itsjustme[/re]: Most DEFINITELY ready to blow. Also, at the beginning of the audio the disdain in her voice is apparent when she realizes she’s wasted 4 seconds and several cheery-phony syllables on some lackey assistant to President Sarkozy. And so thick is her stupidity that she failed to catch her own pun about “killing two birds with one stone.” The masked avengers are my heroes of the day.

  30. Iggy Plop

    i like fish and mango pickle.

    seriously i do. mango pickle is like south asia’s major culinary contribution.

  31. palmerdawg

    McDarkseid just got endorsed by……. i can’t fucking believe it, Dick “Darth Vader” Cheney.
    On teevee, now the election’s over!

  32. Patty Dumpling

    Mango pickle is the traditional garnish for squirell-shaped fish.

    I don’t like the pointiness of McCain’s severed neck. In my industry, we call that a ‘disturbing nib’. My industry being the shrunken head business.

  33. Texas2Step

    [re=159162]SayItWithWookies[/re]: No it’s not. The Spider is Palin. Three guess on the bird, and you won’t need the first two..

  34. AnnieGetYourFun

    Shit, they have achar-eating contests? Why do I never hear about them? That would be the one area I could actually dominate.

  35. agitpropster

    It just hit me. That .gif is un homage to the iconic video for Burning Down The House by the Talking Heads which EmTeeVee played oh, ’bout a hunnert times a day in 1983.

    Speaking of WALNUTS!, this is real special: the Dark Prince a.k.a. Cthulu officially endorsed him this afternoon at an event in Wyoming before returning to liquid nitrogen suspension in his heavily-guarded stainless steel egg/EKG interface.

    That ain’t news, right? What is news and a major hoot is that as of 7:00 EDT teh Bitters News Network has yet to utter a word about it.

    Nick Lowe would call this NUTTED BY REALITY. Even the FAUX NEWS rats are abandoning the sinking garbage scow of Smirky McFlightsuit’s criminal cabal. The thought of both the Dark Prince and Dim Son indicted, under oath and in the dock in front of a Special Prosecutor gives me major wood. : )

  36. War Eagle

    Let’s face it: Snark and Hope – a powerful combination.

    [Please see a magician if you experience elections lasting four hours or longer.]

  37. wavingnotdrowning

    Remember when George HW Bush gave his “I lost” speech while insanely drunk? That was THE BEST EVER.
    Tired McCain may one-up that by farting into a coma heap, while beer cuntess walks away in search of young blood.

  38. supremecourtjester

    McCain wasn’t home for Halloween. Now he’ll have to wash the soap of the windows of eight houses! (For Halloween I was Bailout Bill, the Speculator!

  39. smellyal8r

    [re=159133]Crab1[/re]: Man, that is really what I’m counting on. I was hoping he’d drop dead Monday night, but I’ll take what I can get.

  40. smellyal8r

    [re=159196]Scandalabra[/re]: Yes and she is the “charity” they are donating those clothes to. Lovely parting gifts. Don’t let the door hit you, mbye…

  41. ladymacbeth

    [re=159231]HuskyMescan[/re]: talk about upstaging the great mccain event on SNL.

    awesomeness all around.

  42. schvitzatura

    [re=159231]HuskyMescan[/re]:

    Caribou Barbie: In Montreal? Tell me the radio station call letters

    Bombing begins in five minutes…

  43. ladymacbeth

    [re=159231]HuskyMescan[/re]: [re=159357]schvitzatura[/re]: apparently she doesn’t have even basic political instincts. not our bible spice. SHE can’t laugh self-deprecatingly and make a joke of it. SHE threatens canada and hangs up.

  44. lumpenprole

    He’s got That One right where he wants him. He’s right over there while Walnuts is everywhere.

  45. HuskyMescan

    [re=159353]ladymacbeth[/re]: [re=159357]schvitzatura[/re]: Well, no more answering phones for Sarah Palin. Gramps tightens the leash a little bit more.

  46. Itsjustme

    [re=159225]Custerwolf[/re]: Who answers the phone, “This is sarAH!?” The way she rode the words. Oy, my nerves.

Comments are closed.