QUANTUM LEAPS  4:37 pm November 1, 2008

John McCain Is Everywhere At The Same Time On Monday

by Sara K. Smith

Terror forever!The RNC bought John McCain a $150,000 traveling machine that will warp the time-space continuum and create wee worm holes for the action hero to use in his quest to visit all 50 states simultaneously on Monday. His schedule includes stops in Florida, Virginia, Pennsylvania, Indiana, New Mexico, Nevada, and Arizona. That will conclude the “feats of intergalactic stamina” portion of the presidential contest, and then it’s on to the “how many jars of Mother’s Mango Pickle can you consume before you vomit?” segment, in which Barack Obama is heavily favored. [First Read]


Hola wonkerados.

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Deepthroat November 1, 2008 at 4:39 pm

that gif is both terrifying and delightful at the same time.

Gopherit v2.0 November 1, 2008 at 4:41 pm

Isn’t he going to get grumpy if he misses his naps?

The Monday Gaffes will be epic.

V572625694 November 1, 2008 at 4:42 pm

Quit trying to make us feel sorry for this sad old man, yo-yo-ing across the country as if it would make any difference.

The GIF shows the unmistakable influence of Peruvian witch curses, doesn’t it?

SayItWithWookies November 1, 2008 at 4:43 pm

“Gov. Palin will hit Ohio, Missouri, Iowa, Colorado, Nevada and Alaska in the final day of campaigning”
Alaska?! Why, is she ovulating?

Dave J. November 1, 2008 at 4:44 pm

The dood is going to be completely incoherent by the end of Monday. Most 72 year old guys get tired if they have to stop by the grocery store after going out to dinner, and McCain’s traveling through every state plus three Canadian provinces?

cal November 1, 2008 at 4:46 pm

That is pure GENIUS!!!1!

It actually reminds me of the big bouncing head in “Spirited Away.”

schvitzatura November 1, 2008 at 4:48 pm

I’ll have the Hyderabadi Mixed Pickle, with extra Neogel-90, please…

Kwame' November 1, 2008 at 4:49 pm

Looks like he’ll need one of the astronaut diapers: “The Maximum Absorption Garment”.

DoctorCulturae November 1, 2008 at 4:49 pm

[re=159113]Gopherit v2.0[/re]: I can hardly wait. It will be gaffetastic.

Hopemaster will show him up by donning a track suit and running from state to state… on his hands.

StrangelyBrown November 1, 2008 at 4:50 pm

From the previous page, that’s not gender transcendence:


gg November 1, 2008 at 4:51 pm

Must post this wonkette! Palin gets played by some Canadian radio dudes!

SayItWithWookies November 1, 2008 at 4:53 pm

[re=159113]Gopherit v2.0[/re]: Remember in ’96 when Bob Dole spent the last 100 hours of his campaign on nonstop stumping? He was barely coherent at the end of that. Unfortunately, that’s McCain’s starting point. The next 30 hours are going to get increasingly loopy, I guarantee.

Texan Bulldoggette November 1, 2008 at 4:53 pm

[re=159115]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Apparently it’s to vote. I guess they’ve never heard of a little thing like an absentee ballot. Then she’ll be in AZ for Tuesday night. The dumbfuckery of all that stupid, pointless travel boggles the mind.

chascates November 1, 2008 at 4:53 pm

Something as simple as a broken flux capacitor could cause McCain to age several thousand years. He would just be a bag of white, puffy skin.

Crab1 November 1, 2008 at 4:55 pm

[re=159113]Gopherit v2.0[/re]: It isn’t like he needs to stay up late on Tuesday. I don’t think a concession speech before 9:15 EST is out of the question. Really, his last stop in Arizona should just be the concession. Then he will drop dead on stage. THE END

Ophelia Butts November 1, 2008 at 4:56 pm

Sorry, I got distracted by the mango pickle. Mmmmmm. . . .mango pickle.

Oh, sorry, you said something about a decapitated corpse stumping across the country? Perhaps I should not have trick-or-treated for booze last night.

Hooray For Anything November 1, 2008 at 5:00 pm

Considering who his VP pick is, I can only hope someone on the McCain campaign team realizes how dangerous this stunt can be.

lazyb November 1, 2008 at 5:06 pm

Is this some sort of sad suicide-by-overcampaigning thing?

SayItWithWookies November 1, 2008 at 5:08 pm

[re=159131]chascates[/re]: When did that happen? Oh, sorry.

bluebrazos November 1, 2008 at 5:08 pm

Sir, we’ve analyzed their attack and their is a danger.

If they go back in time and bring McCain v1.0 back from 2000 they might win. Shall we have ACORN standing by?

bluebrazos November 1, 2008 at 5:10 pm


WonkaBee November 1, 2008 at 5:15 pm


YOW! She really wasn’t listening very carefully was she? So many clues just blew by her….

Custerwolf November 1, 2008 at 5:18 pm

[re=159126]gg[/re]: Was that for real?

Squiggyfm November 1, 2008 at 5:18 pm


Welp…there goes all his money.

Custerwolf November 1, 2008 at 5:25 pm

[re=159126]gg[/re]: Her assistant is SO fired.

SayItWithWookies November 1, 2008 at 5:28 pm

[re=159130]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: Oh, now I really hope they lose Arizona. That would be a near-fatal schadenfreugasm.

[re=159107]Deepthroat[/re]: I may have found something creepier than that gif. Giant spider eats a bird. Totally O/T but I couldn’t resist:

slappypaddy November 1, 2008 at 5:30 pm

It’s like when you skip a stone across a pond. The last few hops come real close together, then the stone plops out of sight and sinks.

Hop, hop, hop-hop-hop, plop!

Monkey November 1, 2008 at 5:45 pm

He’s holding court in the boarding lounge and woop woop, baboom! Of you go to the next show!

windupbird November 1, 2008 at 5:45 pm

I showed my 4 year old son this – he said “What is he doing?” and “He’s crazy!”

Guppy06 November 1, 2008 at 5:49 pm

[re=159115]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Her water just broke. She’ll be doing her next few campaign appearances with her legs crossed until she gets back to Alaska.

rubybuckaroo November 1, 2008 at 5:50 pm

Alaska?! Why, is she ovulating?

SayItWithWookies you get the WIN

Custerwolf November 1, 2008 at 5:53 pm

I gotta say, Wonkette, you give great heads.

MarieDeGournay November 1, 2008 at 5:56 pm

On the bright side, if Grampy’s time/space warping car has a malfunction it might send him back in time to the early Cenozoic where he will accidently step on a beetle. When he returns he will find that Al Gore had won the 2000 election. No of the horrible stuff will had happened, and we were all good, and happy.

the invisible woman November 1, 2008 at 6:03 pm

Kwame: I had the same thought about the diapers. I was going to suggest a catheter!! Hey he’s 72, let’s be real about bladder control.

I think it’s time for McCain to re-watch his “No, You Can’t” Video. John: Can I win this election by running all over the country stlalked by my 72-year old bladder? Answer: No, You Can’t – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EUKINg8DCUo

Itsjustme November 1, 2008 at 6:12 pm
WadISay November 1, 2008 at 6:16 pm

Slightly O/T, but Bill Kristol has asked me to pull together a few ideas for his Wednesday column. Here’s what I’ve got so far:

* Obama does NOT have a mandate to govern.
* This defeat, though seemingly crushing, is in no way a rejection of Conservativism (citing the election for dogcatcher in Council Bluffs, where a staunch Conservative beat a moderate Dem).
* Sarah Palin is now a totemic figure on the national landscape, and has all but guaranteed her election in 2012.
* McCain would have won, if he had only run more to the right.
* McCain can now take his place as the stentorian voice of deep experience and sagacity on Face the Nation and Meet the Press, as part of a sort of government in exile.

hobgoblin of little minds November 1, 2008 at 6:22 pm

Wow, they’re like the anti-Santa Claus–spreading a clusterfuck of hatred and stupidity to the bitter cretins around the country.

user-of-owls November 1, 2008 at 6:23 pm


* Now is the time for a serious reconsideration of the wisdom of giving Negros the right to vote.

Custerwolf November 1, 2008 at 6:26 pm

[re=159184]Itsjustme[/re]: Merci beaucoup mon cher.

dorothy parker blues November 1, 2008 at 6:28 pm

[re=159126]gg[/re]: Oh my God, this wins so hard.

user-of-owls November 1, 2008 at 6:28 pm

[re=159189]hobgoblin of little minds[/re]: Obama should save a little bit of his Herculean war chest and on his first day in office, cut a check for $7,200,000 to the Russians and give them back the damn title to Alaska.

Scandalabra November 1, 2008 at 6:32 pm

Right after the concession, I bet they dump Palin, her brood and her luggage on the tarmac in Phoenix, with one-way coach tickets and a “nice to know you, bitch”.

ClueHeywood November 1, 2008 at 6:33 pm

McCain’s ending his Monday tour at a rally in Prescott, Arizona. I’m currently in Prescott, Arizona, and can report that the locals have readied the welcome…posted around the main square today I saw several 4X8 pieces of plywood spray painted with “No Socialism. No Obama.” Should be a lively “rally.”

Itsjustme November 1, 2008 at 6:39 pm

[re=159191]Custerwolf[/re]: In what respect President Sarkozy?

hobgoblin of little minds November 1, 2008 at 6:40 pm

[re=159193]user-of-owls[/re]: Alternatively, Barry could re-create the land bridge across the Bering Sea and leave a trail of meth crumbs leading to Moscow and they’ll leave of their own accord.

Scandalabra November 1, 2008 at 6:42 pm

The gif is genius, btw.

Maus November 1, 2008 at 6:42 pm

If this is viral marketing for Mango pickles then count me a customer.

2druk2phluq November 1, 2008 at 6:45 pm

I would appreciate the gif more if there was a kid kicking his head down the street. What’s weird is that the gif moves slower on akregator than on firefox. It was kind of lame on akregator. It looks good here.

Mahousu November 1, 2008 at 6:50 pm

Whoa, hold it a second there. Is that pickle made with garlic? Because John McCain adheres to the shastras pretty strictly, and he cannot abide a pickle with garlic.

Custerwolf November 1, 2008 at 6:51 pm

[re=159199]Itsjustme[/re]: For kindly providing me with the proper verification (Unfortunate Palin assistant take note).

palinode November 1, 2008 at 6:57 pm

Et tu, Palin?

LMAO!!!! McCain apparently was getting couples’ campaign counseling with Jim Lehrer, too.


Very funny.

fatherfigure November 1, 2008 at 6:58 pm


wrenchdevil November 1, 2008 at 7:04 pm
Mahousu November 1, 2008 at 7:05 pm

John McCain is the Kwisatz Haderach. Mango pickle provides the spice agony. It all makes sense now.

Itsjustme November 1, 2008 at 7:08 pm

[re=159207]Custerwolf[/re]: Was Sarah crying at the end or about to blow up?

Custerwolf November 1, 2008 at 7:25 pm

[re=159220]Itsjustme[/re]: Most DEFINITELY ready to blow. Also, at the beginning of the audio the disdain in her voice is apparent when she realizes she’s wasted 4 seconds and several cheery-phony syllables on some lackey assistant to President Sarkozy. And so thick is her stupidity that she failed to catch her own pun about “killing two birds with one stone.” The masked avengers are my heroes of the day.

Iggy Plop November 1, 2008 at 7:25 pm

i like fish and mango pickle.

seriously i do. mango pickle is like south asia’s major culinary contribution.

wheelie November 1, 2008 at 7:31 pm

Off-topic, but congratulations Wonkette on your record 9 million + page views for October.

HuskyMescan November 1, 2008 at 7:31 pm

Canadian radio commies/phone pranksters p0wn Palin:


Gramps isn’t going to like this!

palmerdawg November 1, 2008 at 7:32 pm

McDarkseid just got endorsed by……. i can’t fucking believe it, Dick “Darth Vader” Cheney.
On teevee, now the election’s over!

Patty Dumpling November 1, 2008 at 7:33 pm

Mango pickle is the traditional garnish for squirell-shaped fish.

I don’t like the pointiness of McCain’s severed neck. In my industry, we call that a ‘disturbing nib’. My industry being the shrunken head business.

Custerwolf November 1, 2008 at 7:40 pm

In other news, I just put in a call to Palin to ask her if Prince Albert comes in a can.

Texas2Step November 1, 2008 at 7:44 pm

[re=159162]SayItWithWookies[/re]: No it’s not. The Spider is Palin. Three guess on the bird, and you won’t need the first two..

AnnieGetYourFun November 1, 2008 at 7:53 pm

Shit, they have achar-eating contests? Why do I never hear about them? That would be the one area I could actually dominate.

agitpropster November 1, 2008 at 7:54 pm

It just hit me. That .gif is un homage to the iconic video for Burning Down The House by the Talking Heads which EmTeeVee played oh, ’bout a hunnert times a day in 1983.

Speaking of WALNUTS!, this is real special: the Dark Prince a.k.a. Cthulu officially endorsed him this afternoon at an event in Wyoming before returning to liquid nitrogen suspension in his heavily-guarded stainless steel egg/EKG interface.

That ain’t news, right? What is news and a major hoot is that as of 7:00 EDT teh Bitters News Network has yet to utter a word about it.

Nick Lowe would call this NUTTED BY REALITY. Even the FAUX NEWS rats are abandoning the sinking garbage scow of Smirky McFlightsuit’s criminal cabal. The thought of both the Dark Prince and Dim Son indicted, under oath and in the dock in front of a Special Prosecutor gives me major wood. : )

War Eagle November 1, 2008 at 7:58 pm

Let’s face it: Snark and Hope – a powerful combination.

[Please see a magician if you experience elections lasting four hours or longer.]

wavingnotdrowning November 1, 2008 at 7:59 pm

Remember when George HW Bush gave his “I lost” speech while insanely drunk? That was THE BEST EVER.
Tired McCain may one-up that by farting into a coma heap, while beer cuntess walks away in search of young blood.

blkrsy November 1, 2008 at 8:08 pm

agitpropster:my heart skipped a beat when I read “special prosecutor”

supremecourtjester November 1, 2008 at 8:10 pm

McCain wasn’t home for Halloween. Now he’ll have to wash the soap of the windows of eight houses! (For Halloween I was Bailout Bill, the Speculator!

smellyal8r November 1, 2008 at 8:11 pm

[re=159133]Crab1[/re]: Man, that is really what I’m counting on. I was hoping he’d drop dead Monday night, but I’ll take what I can get.

smellyal8r November 1, 2008 at 8:16 pm

[re=159196]Scandalabra[/re]: Yes and she is the “charity” they are donating those clothes to. Lovely parting gifts. Don’t let the door hit you, mbye…

d4g33z November 1, 2008 at 8:20 pm

[re=159241]agitpropster[/re]: Nice call.

ladymacbeth November 1, 2008 at 9:19 pm

[re=159231]HuskyMescan[/re]: talk about upstaging the great mccain event on SNL.

awesomeness all around.

schvitzatura November 1, 2008 at 9:22 pm


Caribou Barbie: In Montreal? Tell me the radio station call letters

Bombing begins in five minutes…

ladymacbeth November 1, 2008 at 9:32 pm

[re=159231]HuskyMescan[/re]: [re=159357]schvitzatura[/re]: apparently she doesn’t have even basic political instincts. not our bible spice. SHE can’t laugh self-deprecatingly and make a joke of it. SHE threatens canada and hangs up.

jagorev November 1, 2008 at 9:43 pm

I love that mango pickle. Anyone who eats it gets my vote.

lumpenprole November 1, 2008 at 10:15 pm

He’s got That One right where he wants him. He’s right over there while Walnuts is everywhere.

HuskyMescan November 1, 2008 at 11:02 pm

[re=159353]ladymacbeth[/re]: [re=159357]schvitzatura[/re]: Well, no more answering phones for Sarah Palin. Gramps tightens the leash a little bit more.

Itsjustme November 2, 2008 at 9:18 am

[re=159225]Custerwolf[/re]: Who answers the phone, “This is sarAH!?” The way she rode the words. Oy, my nerves.

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