Our queen of hearts.We’ve had a wonderful year with our favorite columns-writer-of, Peggy Noonan — maybe because, in our hearts, we knew this day was coming, this declaration to end all declarations. And here, today, we have our reward, our moment of grace. As usual, as always, our Peggy doesn’t bother with tired old introductions and such — this is, after all, a woman who burst into Bloomingdale’s and demanded pen and paper, one day, when she chanced upon a Mexican. Instead, she drops the bomb we always expected, like this: “The case for Barack Obama, in broad strokes:” And then she makes her case, which contains the most delightfully cruel assessment of John McCain’s delusional character we’ve even encountered.

The case for Peggy’s latest weird column, in pointer-finger bullet points:

  • Those who have historically been sympathetic to the Republican Party or conservatism, and who support Barack Obama — Colin Powell, William Weld and Charles Fried, among others — and whose arguments have not passed muster with some muster-passers, go undamned here.
  • [McCain] is passionate, obstreperous, independent, sees existential fables within history. His self-confessed role model for many years was Robert Jordan in Ernest Hemingway’s novel of the Spanish Civil War, “For Whom the Bell Tolls.” Mr. McCain, in his last memoir: “He was and remains to my mind a hero for the twentieth century . . . an idealistic freedom fighter” who had “a beautiful fatalism” and who sacrificed “for something else, something greater.” Actually Jordan fought on the side of the communists and died pointlessly, but never mind.
  • And now look, the black man thanking Alabama for his victory.
  • A great moment: When the press was hitting hard on the pregnancy of Sarah Palin’s 17-year-old daughter, he did not respond with a politically shrewd “I have no comment,” or “We shouldn’t judge.” Instead he said, “My mother had me when she was 18,” which shamed the press and others into silence. He showed grace when he didn’t have to.
  • Eras end, and begin. “God is in charge of history.” And so my beautiful election ends.

Give her FIVE AND A HALF Pulitzers! And somebody refresh her drink, for god’s sake. These highballs don’t make themselves.

Obama and the Runaway Train [WSJ]

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  1. Not only did Robert Jordan fight for commies and die a loser, but Johnnie—HE WAS A FICTIONAL CHARACTER. There are real people who could be role models. Try your grandfather, for instance, and work outwards from there.

    Oh, it’s too late. Good.

  2. [re=157878]StrangelyBrown[/re]: Can I just point out that not only is this site incredibly funny but so are most of the comments. This for example. End.

  3. I soundly reject Ken’s post, as she was not once referred to as “Peggington Noonington”.

    But this ‘column’ only confirms what we’ve all known: Peggy is a size queen.

  4. Walnuts also loves that good old-fashion Hemingway misogyny. It was a time when men were men, and people didn’t fuss so much about the “health of the woman.”

  5. I like this little rhetorical flourish: “This means nothing? This means a great deal.”

    I’m going to use this all the time. To wit:

    –This forty has done nothing? This forty has intoxicated me a great deal.

  6. ARGH FUCK YOU PEGGY NOONAN. You just HAD to title your article, “Obama and the Runaway Train”, didn’t you? DIDN’T YOU! Well you’ve ruined my day and I hope you’re happy.

    “Runaway train, never goin’ back… Wrong way on a one-way track…”


  7. I wonder how many times Winston, her butler, has been required to carry her from the cozy armchair she has drunkenly passed out in and tucked her into her frilly four-poster.

  8. My dog has been passing muster ever since I started feeding him a new brand of lamb-n-rice kibbles. Criminy, my living room smelled like a latrine dug into a mass grave for ebola victims last night. I’m switching him back to the old food if he hasn’t “adapted” by Monday.

  9. Robert Jordan was a pussy! My role model is Batman. That’s right Batman, and you know what? Batman could totally kick Robert Jordan right in his vagina. Take that, John McCain!

  10. “Separate and seemingly unconnected stands do not coherence make.”

    I think Peggers took her editor’s comment on her writing and simply placed it at the end of one of her paragraphs.

  11. [re=157903]edgydrifter[/re]: You should gradually switch to avoid that. Mix the two foods together, starting at 80% old stuff 20% new stuff. After a day or two, make it 60/40. Keep going until you’re at 100% new stuff.

  12. If any more conservative pundits hop on the Obama bandwagon the thing is going to break down from the sheer weight of them all. Then they’re stranded and after a few days….they’ll break into warring tribes led by the dominant males and start eating each other. It’ll be glorious.

  13. [re=157898]Godot[/re]:
    Actually, “Runaway Train” was a good movie. John Voight gets his fingers reduced to pulp in the locomotives’ couplers of a runaway train in Alaska. OWEEEEE!

  14. [re=157904]dano[/re]: No doubt–Jordan sucks ass. I have a bad feeling that even death won’t stop him from putting out another dozen or so crappy Wheel of Time novels. “Oosquai”–yeah, it’s whiskey! We get it, Jordan! Har har har you’re so frickin’ clever! Damn I’m bitter about those books.

  15. “Peggy Noonan adds curlicues to handwriting on the wall.”

    Now taking bets, Walnuts dies of a stroke right before the election. HENNNGHHH? Any takers?

  16. Peggy Noonan’s stuff is an entertaining train wreck, painted using all the literary colors of the spectrum. Often humorous or pretty or cute (“muster-passers”), at the end of the day it’s still just a train wreck.

  17. Wha is a “Mustar”? I always thought it went on hot dogs. But when I asked the lady
    at the deli to pass it to me, she thought I was crazy. So now SHE’S not passing mustar(d).
    What the fuck am I supposed to think????

  18. When the Republicans were losing in Spain, the Soviets clandestinely removed pieces of the Imperial treasure from Madrid and spirited them back to Moscow. Clearly, Peggy’s Blingee shines resplendent with purloined Aztec splendor.

  19. [re=157894]Delicious[/re]: Yes.

    Tears, idle tears, I know not what they mean,
    Tears from the depth of some divine despair
    Rise in the heart, and gather to the eyes,
    In looking on the happy Autumn-fields,
    And thinking of the days that are no more.
    So bite me, bitch.

  20. Somewhere Wendy Button cries as Peggy Noonan leaves her in the GOP. Poor slut. First Edwards dumps her, then Hopey, then she runs into the moist gefilte-white arms of Lieberman and vague semen smell of Mitch McConnell, only to see her mentor punch her time clock and leave.

  21. Sister Peggy just watched “Roots” for the first time.

    And Sister Peggy learned.

    And wept for her wicked ways.

    And we weep for her gaudy prose.

  22. I once had a chance to talk to a couple of old guys who fought in the Spanish Civil War. WHen the U.S. entered WWII, our military was at first reluctant to let them in, because the govt. had designated them as “premature anti-Fascists.”

  23. [re=157875]slappypaddy[/re]: “Not only did Robert Jordan fight for commies and die a loser, but Johnnie—HE WAS A FICTIONAL CHARACTER. There are real people who could be role models. Try your grandfather, for instance, and work outwards from there.

    Oh, it’s too late. Good.”

    He’s “guy along with dad who got my career going and kept me ‘failing upward’ ”

    People like McCain see family as something to exploit to an end, not as heroes.

  24. Noonan uses phrases that I get in spam email. See real examples:

    My happiness is that I lived a life worthy of emulation.
    My Ernest Desire
    I do not have any child and my husband relatives are bourgeois and very wealthy persons.
    I do not want my husband’s hard earned money to be misused or invested into ill perceived ventures hence the reason for taking this bold decision.

    So Noonan writes likes a bad Vietnamese/Nigerian to English translation. Go figure….

  25. [re=158008]Meth Lab for Cutie[/re]: Isn’t there some pharmaceutical you can take to prevent “premature anti-fascism”? I think there was an infomercial on the History Channel on it or something…

  26. “Obstreperous.” Yep, that’s Walnuts, right down to his rotted, privileged, petulant flyboy core.

    The word nerd in me loves some Peggington Noonington blather.

  27. [re=158009]Serolf Divad[/re]: Yeah, I read this a few times and think it’s not so much an endorsement as an elegy. She’s not climbing aboard the runaway train, she’s just jumping off the tracks and shaking her head. Obviously still can’t get over seeing that Mexican that one time.

  28. Well, poop. I was writing a lengthy comment about Peggy’s delivery of an opinion on TV this morning, and I had to go to the dictionary to make sure I was spelling “moue” correctly [I was, by the way], and when I tried to back-button to my comment, it was gone. I turned the TV off after 15 seconds, but there were possibly 25 different moues committed by Peggy in those 15 seconds. Just be grateful, you all, that you only had to read this crap, instead of watching her speak it.

  29. Jeebus, I just read the article and I think she’s a horrible writer. I guess she thinks she’s eloquent; I think she’s convoluted and windy. Who starts sentences with “However” followed by a colon? And the runaway train argument is specious. She’s just jumping off the McCain bus in order to protect her ass.

  30. I read that Noonan column and as usual I feel dizzy. But I am so disillusioned, I share something with Walnuts? I really liked Robert Jordan – I argued with my father a lot about this book (dad hated Hemmingway).

    On another note, I think it was Fortnight ago when I discovered Wonkette and I am yet to see anything about “stolen election”, “voter suppressions”, “Republican dirty tricks” – what gives these things are not snark worthy. I ask that because that is a major preoccupation for daily kos diarists.

  31. [re=158008]Meth Lab for Cutie[/re]: You ever get a chance to see “The Good Fight”? Came out in 1984. Story of the Lincoln Brigade volunteers, with some great interviews, particularly of merchant seaman Bill Bailey, who was the guy who tore the Nazi flag down on the SS Bremen in 1935, and of the fighting in Spain said, “I would have fought them [the Nazis] with a slingshot if that’s all I’d had.” See it if you haven’t and you can.

  32. At first I really did think the bulletpoints were jokes, but then I realized nobody could make up bullshit like that — it could only have come from Peggy Noonan.

  33. It’s like Hitler’s bunker, all these conservative hacks are putting bullets in their heads as the tanks roll overhead. I’m sure she took one last glug of gin, then weepingly hit the send button. So long Peggy..

  34. The Duchess of Noonington puts a napkin down on the bench, before taking her seat in the filthy plebian tank.
    A real bad Duchess Peggy article: one she wrote in this book of conservative essays about how ’50s America was like ’50s television. Oh, she must have been punishing the single-malt that day.

  35. Wow, I’ve never read her columns before – I find columnists superfluous – but damn, she’s just so fucking precious, isn’t she? does she know how to write a straight-forward sentence? WTF was her opinion, exactly?

    I think I’ll continue to skip it, from here on out . . .

  36. Sorry, but this isn’t Puliter-worthy:

    “He will raise taxes, of course, but he may also feel forced to bow to a clamorous base with the nonspending items they favor: the rewriting of union law to force greater unionization of smaller shops, for instance, and a return to a “fairness doctrine” that would limit free speech on the air.”

    Strange definition of the Fariness Doctrine (as opposed to “a fairness doctrine”), if that’s what she ment to do. So, giving the other side equal time suppresses free speech? Seems to me it makes it more, um, graceful, y’know?

  37. [re=158188]Mara47[/re]: If it is possible she is even more pompous and confusing when she talks. I find her coyness and attempts at curtness tiring.

  38. Soupy shit by the nutbag authoress of Poppy’s “thousand points of light.” Still the same drivel with a different agenda: she is moving toward the center in order to shore up her career as a pundit.

  39. Did Peggy Noonan actually endorse somebody here? I re-read this, and it’s like the scene in Forrest Gump, where he gets up in front of millions to say what he thinks about the Vietnam war and the sound system goes on the fritz.

  40. The woman gives even Gerard Manly Hopkins a run for his money in language use. I’m with Serolf Divad, tho, “Where’s the Beef?” or in this case, where’s the endorsement. Didn’t find it hidden in her colorful, overthetop way w/ English language.

  41. [re=158259]Words[/re]: “Like shining from shook foil” has more class than anything Preggy would ever say. And there is no endorsement–or rather, it is a self-endorsement in her new role as Impartial Pundit in recovery from right-wing whoredom.

  42. [re=158357]redstateblues[/re]: Just proves she’s still a bit charred upstairs – but maybe a little light has shined in otherwise dark places.

  43. Maybe it’s because I’ve had parent/teacher conferences for the past 12,385 hours, but I couldn’t even get through the bullet points without falling asleep.

  44. [re=158100]slappypaddy[/re]: Might as well read Orwell’s Homage to Catalonia while you’re at and read how these beautiful idealists were shot in the back by lefty infighting & finally smothered to death by the Soviets. Fucking commies ruin everything.

  45. Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered weak and weary,
    Over many a quaint and curious volume of election lore,
    While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
    As of someone gently fapping, fapping on a diamond whore.
    `’Tis some editor,’ I muttered, `tapping at my chamber door –
    Only this, and nothing more.’

    Ah, distinctly I hungover, it was in the bleak October,
    And each dying red state wrought its ghost upon the floor.
    Eagerly I wished the morrow; – vainly I had sought to borrow
    From my books surcease of sorrow for the lost year ‘94 –
    For the rare and radiant mandate whom God named ‘94 –
    Nameless here for evermore.

  46. [re=157895]MathewBrooks[/re]: Obstreporous rhymes with rhinocerous. Which is kind of appropriate really. Ogden Nash could have done something with that.

  47. For 30 years we have had a shitload (Peg — think: ‘surfeit’) of neanderthal crackpot realists and power whores (Peg: ‘conservative pundits’) foisted on us by the oh so liberal media (Peg: ‘offered up to us in the national conversation’).

    My sincere hope is that one of the major trends in the coming years will be the flushing of these turds down history’s crapper(Peg: ‘the inevitable swing of the pendulum of opinion back to the center’).

    [Apologies to C. Wright Mills for this weak takeoff on his translation of Talcott Parsons in The Sociological Imagination. Now, Mills was a real political writer.]

  48. [re=158271]Aurelio[/re]:

    Alas, sir/madam, you will probably not read my poor reply… –surely you are a fellow English major? or at least, a Lib Arts maj?

    I may have not made this reply as I should have? Sigh.

    Nice reply, you who cannot be named – Love also the … “…fall, gaul themselves, and gash vermillion”—

    Oh, it’s so appropriate for almost all the people I know now (they are all laid off thnx Bush Adm!!)

    And: …. “Mine, O, Lord, send MY Roots Rain!!”

    As you can see, if you indeed read this, I’m your basic E major— boring. yep.

    nighty-night, and happy All’Hallow’s Eve!!

  49. Peggy’s from Brooklyn, yo, but she always sounds like a southern belle who’s biting on chalk after breathing helium. Her voice actually makes me nauseous.

  50. noisily and stubbornly defiant; “obstreperous boys”
    boisterously and noisily aggressive; “kept up an obstreperous clamor”

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