Wonkette
Oh WOWSERS one brave Christian has traveled into the future and brought back a chilling message from 2012: After godless liberal Marxist free-love hedonist Barack Obama ascends to power, he will stack the Supreme Court with six (6) young hippies, force everyone to get gay married, and sit on his hands while the Russians invade Massachusetts. (Enh, let ‘em have it, it’s all full of Communists anyway!) Religious people should be concerned about this, especially the ones who vote for Obama because they will be going to Hell. [Letter from 2012 in Obama's America (PDF)]
Obamabot!
There’s only one way to repsond. We should go find a golden bull, lay our hands on it, and pray that he is not elected. It’s working for the economy.
Holy smokes! This thing is SIXTEEN PAGES LONG?! I need the wingnut Cliff’s Notes version, STAT!!
When Bush was re-elected, I cried and my Dad told me to suck it up because he lived through Nixon.
Cry, Wingnuts, cry! I want everyday of the next 4 years to be like Reagan’s funeral for you. I want you to you feel the pain WE felt during Nixon, Reagan, Bush I, and Bush II. Put on your big boy panties and have a nice bowl of STFU!
Muahahahahaha! Fuckers.
I thought Bible Spice was going to rapture all these good people to AK. BTW: it would be nice if she worked on that harder to make it happen, like yesterday.
“I have nothing against our current President… that’s like running against my own grandfather. I mean, what do you ask a 60-year-old man? - You ask him if he wants his wheelchair FACING the sun, or facing AWAY from the sun. But running the country? FORGET IT, babies!”
I think the people who will shut down Boy Scouts are the conservatives. I remember a fair bit of bad behavior from my scout days, where I was senior patrol leader, altho basically we didn’t have enough imagination for worse.
Who will President declare his first Fatwa against. Who will be the first Imam on the Supreme Court? Will mini-skirts and other immodest behavior be outlawed and result in punishment with lashes?
What I like is that the letter puncutates each retarded statement with “Land of the free?” My response? “All men are created equal?”
swarm of bees: Here you go:
White people love Jesus.
Black people don’t love Jesus.
Only good presidents love Jesus.
The end.
NoWireHangers: Most of the reasonable Americans I knew spent the Nixon administration stoned, in Canada, or both.
So far I’ve spent the Bush administration in graduate school. Now that the economy is fucked I think I’ll write a few more chapters on this dissertation, if you follow me.
Barry is going to prosecute anyone from the Bush administration that had anything to do with the Iraq war? Awesome!
Thanks for this public service. I just KNEW there was something about that there negro I didn’t trust.
Woah, the future is amazing! Porn on at all times on every channel — yes, please!
somebody better get kay hagan all over this wignut, bearing false witness and all…
Yeah, but he didn’t use a Delorean so it doesn’t count. The Boy Scouts, of course, will exist, they will just have to change their name to NAMBLA. The funnier part of the letter is towards the end, where the author predicts that former Bush administration officials will be prosecuted for something called “crimes” (apparently this is a bad thing). The rest of the letter is too blindigly brilliant to comprehend.
ForTheTurnstiles: I’ve thought about hiding out in grad school. However, the thought of more loans makes me nauseous. If only the banks I owed money to would fail. Thanks for nothing New Great Depression!
With all their panties in knots, the fundies will HAVE to turn to the magic Mormon underwear.
Mittens in 2012! You can’t spell USA without UTAH!
Wow! The future sounds awesome!
The solution is simple:
(1) Vote for Obama
(2) Head straight to the confessional, confess what you just did
(3) Say, about… oh, 300 “Hail Marys”, 190 “Our Fathers”, take dinner to 50 old ladies.
(4) You’re cleansed, back on track for Heaven, and got to vote for Barack Obama.
I don’t know, but the world this Fundie dumbass describes doesn’t sound so bad.
Just reading that letter made me gay.
Anybody interested in a quickie? Third stall at the hains point golfcourse restroom. The more the merrier
Thank you evangelical christians!!!
Campus organizations such as Campus Crusade for Christ, InterVarsity, Navigators, Baptist Campus Ministry, and Reformed University Fellowship have shrunk to skeleton organizations, and in many states they have ceased to exist.
Oh noes! InterVarsity has become a “skeleton organization”? America has truly lost its Freedom!
Help me out here: fez or turban?
The missus has gotten fitted for her Hussein-era burqa. Says it will be great for avoiding mosquitoes — which cause Muslin West Nile virus, another Muslin plot.
This document is full of True Facts. I am glad someone is finally exposing NATO for the sham that it truly is. Binding commitment to defend the territorial sovreignty of member states against armed attack my ass. Not if they can’t get the UN to approve a response!
I’ve always suspected that Kennedy and Scalia are lazy; they’re both looking for an excuse to quit and become hog farmers or whatever and the election of a liberal president would finally give them an excuse to do so.
And all this talk about Israel “defending itself” using “nuclear weapons” against an attack from Iran is clearly overblown; as this document shows, there is a 100 percent chance that Israel would stand by and do nothing after Iran nuked Tel Aviv.
…these “tax cuts” were actually a gigantic redistribution of income, a huge
welfare payment, a way to “spread the wealth around,”35 as Obama told “Joe the Plumber” on
October 13, 2008.
I seriously hope “Joe” the “Plumber” will have faded to obscurity by 2012…
Oh goodness. I can’t even get 2 sentences in…
Jesus himself taught, “You will recognize them by their fruits” (Matthew 7:16).
Says the party of Larry Craig, Mark Foley, Lindsay Graham and Charlie Crist…
Serolf Divad: Yeah, but then you’re Catholic, which is also an abomination before God to the hard-core snakehandlers and poison-drinkers.
Wait. Who’s the intended audience for this shit? Another wingnut or an undecided? It’s too long and full of long and complex words. They’re better off with simple word smears like “acorn!”
Botswana Meat Commission FC: LOL
The best thing about an Obama victory (I’m still betting landslide) will be that it will piss off all the right people: fundy theocrats, neocon warmongers, Bill Kristol, Bill Kristol, Bill Kristol…
Serolf Divad: And you get all the porn and buttsex you could ever want! And boy, do these people want the porn and the buttsex — the walk in closets at these churches must be the size of stadiums.
Bush tried to warn us 4 years ago about the perils of FORGETTING POLAND.
Wow. The future is going to be FABULOUS (snaps fingers twice).
Serolf Divad: That sounds like Papist talk to me!
stew: Yep, it will be a landslide. here’s the early voting data:
http://elections.gmu.edu/early_vote_2008.html
For instance, Clark County, Nev (home of Nellis AFB, republican city):
Dem
53.0%
Rep
30.1%
I think it was (Howard Dean?) or Olbermann who said that liberals see “1984″ as a horrifying dystopia, conservatives see it as a how-to manual. So this is a how-to manual for Dems? Some helpful diy links would make it better…
when the supreme court mandates that gay, homosexual, baby-aborting hippie atheist teachers must home-school all christian girls and boys, president obama’s socialist tax policies will prevent those good families from buying plane tickets to australia because their non-existent wealth will be spread to… other poor people?
As a Catholic priest/Boy Scout Troop Leader/Pedophile, I object to the threat that Obama poses to these institutions.
Slow news day, Sara? I understand, TGIF.
http://wonkette.com/403739/sinister-obama-will-put-earth-in-time-machine
Bah. “Let ‘em all go to hell, except Cave 76!”
Massachusetts? I think it’s far more likely he’ll let them take Alaska, as revenge on Palin for keepin’ it too real, and then work their way down the West Coast. Yes, President Obama will sacrifice the gay states for the greater Communist good.
http://thesebastards.blogspot.com/
ok. fess up. did you write this?
i like how gay scoutmasters will be sodomizing all the cub scouts all the time. like the ’straight’ ones aren’t doing that already
Oh noes! What a horrible future I’m voting America into. Too bad you can’t change the past once the future has already happened, or some such nonsense.
Did he forget the Sharia law? We’ll be under Sharia law and renamed the United Caliphate of America before June of ‘09.
In Obama’s Communist future all websites will be in PDF format FOR NO APPARENT REASON when HTML would work just as well.
As a gay myself, I’m hugely proud that the first 355 pages of this manifesto are dedicated to fearing me.
Gay is the new terrorist, y’all!
wow. after reading that, i can’t wait for the next 4 years. That pretty much described my ideal America (at least in the first 6 pages, which was all I could get through), and I’m not being snarky. yay end of religious domination and equal rights for gays!
NoWireHangers: “Put on your big boy panties and have a nice bowl of STFU!”
I believe this is new Springsteen tune?
nurple:
The BSA is being held hostage by a bunch of Texas Republican Fucktards who want to dicate all kinds of wacko religous/political views on the entire organization. The whole homosexual leader issue could be solved in 5 minutes if they just let individual troops make their own policies.
Besides, all the Alec Baldwin-Canteen Boy shenanigans have been done by upstanding Christian Nascar dads. It’s always the “pillar of the community that everyone trusted.”
Botswana Meat Commission FC: They will be recognized by kumquats.
[conversation overheard on McCain's inauguration day:]
AMERICA: “Thank you, Time Traveling Christian; you have saved us all!”
TIME TRAVELING CHRISTIAN: “You’re welcome.”
Kingbee: OT but
3 guys walk into a bar, apriest, a homosecksual, and a pedofile…..
no wait thats the first guy..
wokka wokka wokka
it there some sort of requirement that you have to be both stupid and paranoid to be a “conservative” in good standing (or whatever these kooks style themselves these days)?
OTOH, is there some country they can flee to (along the lines of Canada for liberals)?
In 2012, the national anthem will be Strangers in the Night.
Now that health care is free, it seems everybody wants more of it. The waiting list
for prostate cancer surgery is 3 years.
Yeah, that’s super duper likely. I’ve always wanted ass surgery. Just didn’t want to pay for it.
Speaking for the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, I for one welcome our oil rich, vodka bearing overlords.
Botswana Meat Commission FC: hey stop fuckin around, ass cancer’s a bitch
Botswana Meat Commission FC: Haha… yeah, everyone is trying to decide between buying a boat and having cancer surgery… Hey, it’ll help the economy because now they can do both!
Why are there no pics in this thing? Somebody should totally illustrate it, that way I can get high and finish “reading” it.
AWESOME: President Obama will put porn on daytime television.
Botswana Meat Commission FC: Prostate cancer is a slow-growing cancer. Many men live with it for years and die of other causes. Of all the cancer examples to pick, that was the worst one. Haha. More fail.
Oh, and thanks Christian from 2012 for not including any frigging useful information, like Powerball numbers for next week or who’s going to win the Super Bowl in 2009. My bookie won’t give me any action on Scalia resigning next year. I think my bookie’s in the tank.
Two words for this guy: Fuck you.
I started reading, but it was all “blah blah blah homosexuals blah blah blah homosexuals.” Yawn.
Hahaha. Suckers! These people are totally buying into Obama’s CHANGE message. Plus, they apparently think he will be extremely efficient. Imagine getting that much done in 4 years. They’re just shooting themselves in the foot here.
NoWireHangers: monty: Hey you guys, quit picking on Bots there. He’s happy with is little ass cancer dream and you’re just bringing him down here. Lay off.
I was going to read through this, but then I saw all the scripture references and was all like “Mehhhhh.”
Holy Christ! So once we get gay marriage, then the gays have to tear down the boy scouts, destroy adoption agencies, destroy christian businesses, destroy health care… destroy…
You know what. This is too much work. I don’t want gay marriage that badly. Vote Yes on Prop 8! I have OTHER things in my life I want to do besides guys!
I want a homosexual Preacher! Loads of drama.
Why do Christians always forget “Love Your Neighbor?” It does not say Love your neighbor, but under these conditions.
Baconbits: I know - it’s like discovering a new, atheist Christmas.
This line cracked my shit right up: Now that health care is free it seems that everybody wants more of it. The waiting
list for prostate cancer surgery is 3 years. The waiting list for ovarian cancer is 2 years.
yeah, all those bastards, gorging themselves on free health care, like cancer treatment.
UCA! UCA! UCA!
NoWireHangers:
You’ve got a cold, dark heart. I think I love you.
Why is it a pdf? So we don’t fuck with the already fucked with scripture?
I went to the salon yesterday, or the beauty shop, as the folks in these parts call it, and garndered new nuggets of apocalyptic wisdom. The girl who does my hair asked about what she’d heard, that Obama was going to change the constitution. I got that one straightened out (with no snark about the fact it is pretty rusty from disuse).
I was talking about what a dunce Palin is (Something about fruit flies, which lost my audience of one because it was such a weighty, scientific subject). But in my defense, I was talking in a low voice AND opining that Sassy Sarah would look even hotter if she cut her hair and wore contacts. The lady waiting said, “I think Sarah Palin is great.” She also had a new label for Hopey–Mafiaoso! As I attempted to discern what the fuck this nitwit was talking about, she obligingly connected the mafia dots to ACORN.
Of course! I would have assumed that was Tony Ratso Hopey’s Al-Capone-ish godfather. I asked her if she watched Fox News. Sure, she says, she tries to watch the others but they are all biased toward Hopey. She’s heard about studies (on Fox News, no doubt) that prove it. I was being nice so I didn’t point out, everyone knows the truth has a liberal bias. (She would never watch Colbert, so I could totally steal the line.)
Last night I called my daughter to let her know the new label and she yelled into her husband, “Hey. Mom heard a new one today. Obama’s in the tank with the mafia.”
So, My question to the philosophers and ethicists of the Wonkeratti: What do you predict as the label du jour for the next four days?
My first prediction would be Anti-Christ, but I’m sure in the wacko world where my Dust Bowl neighbors live it has already been leveled at That One.
Okay, a second: Kristol or someone will call Hopey erudite and the wingers will go off on a tirade and McCain will be screaming, “Look at the Joe the Fake Plumber. He isn’t erudite, by God, he’s proud to be a dumbshit, like all of you. Stand up, stand up, dumbshits, stand up!!!”
I tell ya, it brought a tear to my eye thinking of the brave patriot Supreme Court Justices Thomas, Alito and Roberts bravely fighting against the invading horde of 40-year-old homosexual-loving liberal judges. It was like “Braveheart”! In my mind.
The best, best, BEST part, though is the throwaway, “Oh, yeah, and there are some perhaps, a few, maybe one or two evangelical Christians who will have voted for Obama, so this is in no way an indictment of their political beliefs. Please continue to socialize with them as you would socialize with anyone else who brought about the apocalypse through a short-sighted and dangerous hankering for some bullshit ‘change’ thing.”
Neon Trotsky: Joe the Plumber will fade into obscurity in three months, just like all of our favorite fads.
Somebody needs to get a life and pray harder. God ain’t listening to the nutjobs.
DustBowlBlues: Dangerous place to give political lessons. You’ll end up looking like hell after she gets done with you!
After coming to understand the fear, pain and confusion with which evangelical conservatives confront the idea of an Obama presidency, I can only say: “SUCK ON IT, you god-bothering Okie bastards.”
FYI, lefty Christian spokesmodel Jim Wallis picked a fight with Dobson over this letter (but in a nice, Methodist way) here:
http://www.sojo.net/blog/godspolitics/?p=3283&title
Yo, Bush Dos already let the Rooskies invade Georgia, and nobody did nothin about it. And now the state’s flipping towards Obama because of all the communist influence!
What about the Jews? No self-respecting nutbar produces a rant like this without laying some blame at the feet of the Jews! Bring back the Jews, so the gays don’t get lonely!
I read the first couple pages, but all it talked about was Scalia kneeling over dead and mandatory gay marriage for everyone. Sounds good to me!
who is this for? wignuts cant even read.
The repugs are worried about the boys scout, because where are they going to recruit from?
Larry Craig was a scout leader!
Heh, Boy Scouts. Cause there’s nothing creepy about grown men wearing short khaki shorts.