Wonkette
We’ve skipped stories today that would’ve sustained Wonkette for weeks in normal times. But these aren’t normal times — and before all these moments are lost in time, like tears in rain, let’s have a special late-night WTF wrap-up edition: Barack’s secret new dad, secret old aunt, secret “Flat Stanley” escapade, and more! You can’t make up crazy like the crazy out there for real!
- How many people watched that Obamercial last night? Nearly 34 million! Last week, the most-watched prime-time show had 21 million viewers. So if this presidency thing doesn’t work out, Obama can just do our national teevee show every night on every channel.
- Interesting that so many Americans would watch this suspicious character, Barack Obama, at the same time some wingnut blogger was weaving a tangled web of mental problems into the shocking and very plausible theory that Barack Obama is actually the only begotten son of Malcolm X. Fight the power.
- Meanwhile, crafty reporters discovered yet another distant relative on from Obama’s grandpa’s family — you know, Malcolm X. She is a nice old lady who is fondly mentioned in Obama’s book about seeking his African family members. So, obviously, conservative bloggers are outraged that Obama isn’t illegally funneling campaign money to this old lady who seems content and happy for both her young relative and everybody, in general, even if she lives modestly.
- Oh, that creepy pin-eyed Joe the Plumber did end up giving a tepid endorsement to John McCain today. He told the crowd they should vote for the “real American,” meaning McCain and not the negro. When will Joe the Plunger be arrested for some kind of horrible crime against children? You know it’s coming.
- Meanwhile, a lot of white supremacists are supporting Barack Obama. Wait, what? See, white supremacists aren’t all necessarily racists, some of them just don’t want the races mixing or whatever. And Barack Obama is a pretty stand up guy, for a colored, and especially compared to that awful old John McCain. This is all in Esquire so it must be true?
- This second-grader at the Solomon Schechter Day School in Connecticut wrote a letter to Obama and included some little cut-out paper character called “Flat Stanley.” Obama recognized this terrorist character from his youth, carried it around with him for a day, and wrote the kid a funny letter about hanging out with this paper doll, Flat Stanley. McCain did not answer his letter from the little boy.
- Oh hey, Ben & Jerry’s ice-cream shop will give you a free scoop of ice cream if you vote
for Obama.
I just want it to end. I’m so tired…
Who needs porn when you have all this!
If only those three kids at Solomon’s Mines Day Camp–Zachary Goldberg, Aron Mondschein, and Avshalom Drescher–knew that Obama plans to murder Israel within hours of his inauguration!
Ken, my thoughts exactly about Joe the Plumber. How long before they find the secret room in his basement with all the teenage girls on the internet. Unless he is a true Republican and then it would be teenage boys. I think we are all waiting for some really weird shit to explode on the McCain camp.
How can you get tired of watching walnuts slowly die out while Obama outshines him everyday every day every day!.
John McCain didn’t return Flat Stanley because he added him to the collection of paper dolls in his playroom. It’s right next to his bicycle with one big wheel and his hoop-and-stick.
When does Joke the Plumber get his White House press pass?
I keep waiting for Barack Obama to do something that isn’t AWESOME, and he has so far been a major disappointment.
Look at the comments in the Boston Globe link about Barry’s auntie. Most of them are from bitterz who think Hopey’s a shyster for living in an expensive house and having lots of money and not giving it to his auntie, and his entire extended family in Kenya. They allo make the point that he’s a typical Socialist Redistributinator
“You know it’s coming.”–Absolutely. The elite media love to build someone up and then tear him down. The American people also love this spectacle. It is a major national passtime that helps to define as a people.
answerbird: If he’s a true Republican,they won’t even be teenagers.
Jesus Christ, I just realized Joe the Plumber IS NOT Jeff Gannon. Or is he?
stay tuned for tomorrow’s news:
“Joe the Plumber reveals that everyone misheard his occupation. He’s actually a porn star who makes movies with fat chicks. His true name? Joe the Plumper Humper.”
Don’t let Palin know Obama pals around with flat dolls. Is it weird that the article made me cry. President Elect Obama is so great.
I have a fantasy that the IRS will investigate Joe the Plumber. To there dismay, they’ll find the skins of young children drying in his attic. Joe’s wife will tell the press, “I’ve always wondered about his collection of little shoes.”*
I want my fantasy to happen on Monday.
*
Meanwhile, a lot of white supremacists are supporting Barack Obama.
They had a segment on it on libral, elitist NPR (that I listen to because I’m in the tank for Marxist propaganda). Apparently, there’s a generational split among white supremecists. The white supremecists of a new generation think that electing Obama president will be the tipping that will bring about that great Race War they’ve been having wet dreams about for decades. (What the fuck is up with these whack-job “real Americans” and their lust for wars of annihilation, anyway?)
Anybody see The Daily Show? Amazing bit about community organizers, and Kristol Meth got his ass completely spanked by Jon. Kristol actually tried to rip on the NY Times, and then Jon was like, “Hey dumbass, you work for the Times, remember?”
You gotta love it when 7-year-olds go “I’m a very excitable person.” Such measured diction can only mean one thing: They have half a dozen adderall prescriptions open all across town, and presumably a few beach buckets of it to spare. Who needs moonshine, really, if you can have Mondschein?
I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe. Russian oil tankers on fire off the shores of Alaska. I watched David Gregory dance wearing glitter in the dark near the RNC convention. All those moments will be lost in time… like tears in rain… Time to die.
Thanks Ken Batty.
I used to wonder where this idea that the UN would use a map found on the back of kids cereal box (Kix) as a basis for controlling US America. I wonder no more and I thought that 9/11 truthers were nuts. Altas Snogged is one gigantic scoop of da muthafucking crazee. It’s all I see Muslins, gayz, penii and communists everywhere.
Anonymous Office Zombie: Is America decline going to go the way of the Soviet Union or Zimbabwe Rhodesia/Southern Rhodesia/Republic of Zimbabwe?
Stay tuned, vanilla faces!
“pin-eyed”…so true. Has he done South Park yet?
Sorry to hijack, but Tweety just said, “‘Soft Republicans?!’ What, do they need Viagra?” on the Hardball midnight repeat.
Incredible.
John McCain wants that kid to know what it’s really like to be John McCain; therefore, Flat Stanley will be returned after FIVE AND A HALF YEARS, with tears to his arms, legs, and crotch.
ManchuCandidate: The light that burns twice as bright burns for half as long - and you have burned so very, very brightly, Ken.
Home again, home again, jiggidy-jig! Gooood Evening, K.L.!
schvitzatura:
The way these idiots stockpile weapons and operate on comic-book ideologies, I think what’s going to go down will be more like LARPing crossed with a heavy metal video crossed with some shitty post-apocalyptic 80’s movie starring Dolf Lundgren.
The article in Esquire is a straightforward mindfuck (thanks!), a few of the white supremacists openly support Obama, and the one black supremacist thinks Obama is a “race traitor” and says McCain is better (but I’m sure he’s voting for Ron Paul).
A Blade Runner reference? I fall deeper and deeper in love with Wonkette every day.
Now he’s the son of Malcolm X. Does this conflict with their Kenyan birth theory, or are they back to the Canadian birth thing? I’m having trouble keeping up, this being my first extended stay in Crazy Town and all…
I could see some of the other folks being busy, but damn — you’d think Mark Spitz would have time to write a kid back.
Joe the Fluffer strikes me as the kind of guy who likes to mix up his anal sex with some nasty borderline-abusive ass-slapping and nipple-biting. Just a vibe I get from him.
I don’t think Walnuts needs a “Flat Stanley.” Doesn’t he already have some kind of flat mummified rat corpse that he talks to, or did I hallucinate that?
If anyone deserves a unicorn ride it’s King President Barack Fucking Obama!
dasNeonlicht: Why won’t John McCain release the results of his Voight-Kampff test? What is he hiding?!!1!
3-legged Bloodhound: I could totally see that. Also, he wants you to call him “Daddy.”
johnbpt: do you mean Cindy?
Obama is the demon spawn of replicant Rutger Hauer and Oprah.
Out with the old:
Filmstrip international
and in with the new:
Yes we can!
We are almost there.
…A chance to begin again in a golden land of opportunity and adventure!
ATE: Rutger Hauer + Oprah?!?!?? Ewww.
Ok, ladies, if McNuggets/Bible Spice are elected, here’s a query: what will the penalties be for women getting abortions? And don’t give me any shit @ oh, that won’t happen– we’re looking at 2 probably 3 Supremes getting elected.
Add to that all the Fed. court judges Twig was able to name to their positions since the Repubs had the upper hand (oh, and guess what?? they are all young!!!! and are appointed for life. — um, yes, Pres. Clinton tried to fill some of these positions, but our wonderful representatives in both house who O, gosh, They’re Republicans!! –thanks to Rove’s war plan) where was I, oh, yes, well guess what kiddies! ? We’re screwed!!
Bible Spice has stated she will make abortions illegal. Senator McNuggets has never supported any legislation or bill or whatever to help us womens…
So, how many years jail time/parole time/whatever will these women get? Obviously, the doctors & nurses will be executed. Ask McCain/Palin about this, if it’s an issue w/you.
Um, sorry, didn’t mean to rant….mumble mumble, off my soapbox…. move along, sorry, nothing to see here.. etc., etc., etc…. fade to black….
Words: It would depend on what state you lived in. They would not have the votes to pass a federal abortion law, so if the Supremes overturn Roe v. Wade it would be up to the state legislatures. In Texas, like most other felonies, it would be death.
Um, I love the Flat Stanley story the mostest of all stories. What a good intern that intern was who wrote that letter to that kid!
My apologies for not having something sarcastic to stay here. I’m too smitten with the Aron story.
answerbird: thanks for reminding me about the Yes We Can video…it’s just what I needed to keep me going.
Are you saying Palin is a skinjob?
Because, personally, I think she’s the fifth cylon…..
Fuck this.
/dick joke.
MEH you people kill teh funnies. This whole comment section is retarded.
Stanley was Obama’s mom’s name. Her first name. Honest.
Rosebud.
Words: Are you kidding? the Republizards NEVER want R.V. Wade to to away. It is the anchor of their base. If that “problem” were solved a lion’s share of their retarded base would have nothing to keep them cleaved to the teet of the GOP. The baseheads would then be free to run rampant and vote on issues like.. err, the economy, healthcare and shit.
helenaHandbasket500: The republitards would still have gay marriage to keep the base in line. I’m presuming they find it just as offensive as baby killing if not more so.
I’d say that this cartoon sums up this presidential campaign pretty well:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xjomYMe6t_U
Oh merde, I was wondering when some wingnut Mensa wundermadchen was going to out me! Can I still run the national teevee show on weeknights, please??
Are both black supremacists supporting Hopey?
And what about mulatto and octoroon supremacists?
Do they even have lawn signs?
Bladerunner references = WIN +1!
WABishop: I need porn now more then ever
Ben and Jerry are in the tank. They have no parlors where the Bitters live. For example, the nearest shop to Cumberland, MD, a.k.a Bitterville, is Baltimore. The Bitters aren’t stopping in Baltimore unless it’s to grab another carton of smokes en route to Ocean City…
cal: Describe in simple words the good things that come into your mind about your mother.
Flat Stanley should get out of the tank before he becomes Soggy Stanley.
Who is Barack Obama? Skinjob, Cylon, or elven wizard? HENGNNH?
Dreadful Gate: Dude, I spent half the afternoon bitch slapping those retards until the damn comments exploded and they were all gone. I was so pissed. I did some of my best work too. I have sworn myself to stay away from there today.
Digdig: Larry Flynt is going to have a hard time casting the role of Flat Stanley in his porn-biopic of the election.
If the Fractional Nubian Overlord win$, I get copyright on him riding a Hopey Jalopey in the inauguration.
Words: The penalty for having an abortion during the Palin regime would be forced pregnancy, carrying multiple Palin zygotes to increase the armies of the master race. Either that or crucifixion.
Anonymous Office Zombie: Re: Daily Show. Where did they get that fat, baby-faced shit who dissed on community organizers? How stupid are some people in this country?
Holy peas in a pod, in 3rd grade I went to Solomon Schechter in Connecticut!
helenaHandbasket500: The Republicans might have been that smart years ago, but the retards have truly taken over. Besides, there will always be a boogeyman to rile the base — muslims, “elitists” (educated people), un-American city folk (blacks and gays), the Bill of Rights, the 19th Amendment, the 14th Amendments, probably the 13th Amendment, judges generally, civil rights generally (except the right to celebrate Christmas), universities, books besides the bible, evolution, global warming, science generally…
“When will Joe the Plunger be arrested for some kind of horrible crime against children? You know it’s coming.”
It is almost Blowvember!
Obviously, that Flat Stanley story is world class.
Hopey ‘08.
wildeoats:
You must’ve tuned in late. That guy earned his stripes from being arrested, but not convicted, in a teen sex chat room predator sting operation thingy. Something about how the gov’t couldn’t prove his cat wasn’t really the culprit. Landmark stuff.
What everyone fails to realize is that Obama is in fact “Jackie Paper” (AKA “Flat Jack” , “Khalid Rashid Muhammed” ) from “Puff the Magic Dragon.”
Like Obama, “Jackie Paper” lived by the sea. This location is Hanalei (which is the Esparanto transliteration of “Honolulu” — Obama’s birthplace). Jackie Paper is, of course, Tom Metzger’s illegitimate child, and so by Leibniz’s law this explains why Obama is not allowed to go shopping for chairs with Geraldo Rivera. Of course the rampant use of marjuana ties all of these facts together perfectly, and we can safely expect “Puff” the magical grand dragon wizard of the KKK to return and become secretary of agriculture.
Sorry Joe the Plunger, there’s only one Real American and he already endorsed Obama.
As for the Malcolm X lovechild story, one thing comes to mind.
Dreadful Gate: I’ve actually heard the argument in various places, “Obama wants to help the poors, huh? Well, why isn’t he redistributing his whole income to his giant extended African family (that he isn’t close to and personally knows only a few members of)?”
StrangelyBrown: WIN
lizardmess: i just died of a surfeit of unicorns.
Awwww. Flat Stanley. Go Hopey.
I’ve got Chuck Berry’s song stuck in my head today.
Go head on, Tulane, he can’t catch up with you
Go Tulane,he ain’t man enough for you
Go Tulane,use all the speed you got
Go Tulane,you know you need a lot
Go Tulane, he’s laggin’ behind
Go head on, Tulane go head on
johnbpt: “I don’t think Walnuts needs a “Flat Stanley.” Doesn’t he already have some kind of flat mummified rat corpse that he talks to”
Are you thinking of Cindy?
InsidiousTuna: I know what you mean!! I thought it was very sweet though Obama wrote back the little boy. Aw! I didn’t recognize the character though they were talking about. Hmm.