dept. of false mutilations

Cut-Nut Sent To Nut-Hut

Happy Halloween!Ashley Todd, the 20-year-old McCain volunteer who bravely attempted to incite a New American Race War with her fake story about getting mutilated by an angry black man and instead spawned a cheap Halloween costume trend, will not be sent to torture-prison for five and a half years. After a mere week in jail, she reached a plea agreement with the Authorities: no hard time, only mental health treatment. She will also have to check in with those Authorities every now and again to let them know of her whereabouts, like a common criminal, so there’s that. By next week she will have a country music recording contract and her own show on Fox, after “Huckabee.” [MSNBC]

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Sara K. Smith was Wonkette's morning editor from 2008 to 2010, and now contributes a weekly (?!) column to Wonkette, to prove she still loves you all!

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111 comments

  1. shortsshortsshorts

    Who is Ashley Todd? As an American my attention span is limited to this comment and my memory is limited to the last time I had sex.

  2. Doglessliberal

    Damn, I was hoping they would do some creative sentencing like: you must give poor, Black women foot massages and pedicures 8 hours a day for a month.

  3. Kev-O-Tron

    [re=156165]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: “my memory is limited to the last time I had sex.”

    Is that what they refer to as “the Great Depression”?

  4. swarm of bees

    Golly, how could this girl be so fucked up at such a young age? I’m gonna say inbreeding since she’s from College Station. ICE BURN!

  5. problemwithcaring

    [re=156176]Doglessliberal[/re]: Her probation shouldn’t allow for her to wield a nail file ever again.

  6. dano

    …when reached for comment Ms. Todd claimed to have been contacted by the Palin 2012 campaign for a possible honorary position as “Race Baiter Emeritus”.

  7. MISTAHCOUGHDROP

    Will she dance on Ellen? Maybe she’ll do a Dancing With The Stars and waltz with Joe The Plumber.

    By the way, speaking of Joe The Plumber… HOW MUCH $$$ IS JOE THE PLUMBER BEING PAID BY THE PALIN CAMPAIGN? My guess is he gets $1000 every time they mention his name (and his offspring – Manny the Mechanic, Susie the Seamstress, Wilma the Waitress). Quite a business he launched. On O’Reilly just now he said he doesn’t like the media attention! He’s on the air more than Obama for shucks sakes!

  8. Not_So_Much

    I would totes watch her show! Mostly just to try and divine what secret symbols she would carve into her cheek each week…

    [re=156196]problemwithcaring[/re]: How ’bout a nail gun? That’d be awesome!

  9. AnnieGetYourFun

    God, in that photo of her, she looks even younger. I ALMOST feel bad for her. If I had feelings, I would definitely experience something called “sympathy”.

  10. Advocatus_Diaboli

    Maybe she should be sentenced to learn the alphabet, and about the way things look “different” in the mirror.

  11. ManchuCandidate

    I hope that when she gets her C&W recording contract that her first song is “Ash the Knife.”

  12. bonghitsforjesus

    If there’s one thing you learn in the nuthouse it’s how to carve a really deep gash that you can be proud of. So she’ll have a skill when she gets out.

  13. shortsshortsshorts

    [re=156204]MISTAHCOUGHDROP[/re]: Let me define it for you, Mr. Coughdrop:

    “bull·shit (blsht) Vulgar Slang
    n.
    1. Foolish, deceitful, or boastful language.
    2. Something worthless, deceptive, or insincere.
    3. Insolent talk or behavior.”

  14. Paterlanger

    Since Joe the Plumber is being offered entertainment contracts too maybe they could do a project together. I’m thinking a reality show where Joe swears to help Ashley avenge her despoiled whiteness by tracking down the (very real) negro who mutilated her jowells. The first installment would begin with Ashley explaining that since all the cops interviewing her were black she had no choice but to change her story and claim that it was all a hoax otherwise the black cops would have killed her. Now, with the help of an unlicensed plumber/neophyte media whore, she can take justice into her own pudgy hands. Of course there would be some romantic tension between Ashley and Joe.

  15. Rush

    [re=156211]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]:

    Good morning, the worm, your honour,
    The crown will plainly show,
    The prisoner who now stands before you,
    Was caught red-handed showing feelings.
    Showing feelings of an almost human nature.
    This will not do

  16. dano

    Don’t worry about Ashely Todd. Miss “Girl Interrupted” will always be welcome on any white supremacist compound. They can pass her around like a bong in a dorm room.

  17. obamaslamma

    “cheap Halloween costume trend”? To all ‘slutty nurses’ and ‘naughty teachers’ — please pay no attention.

  18. Serolf Divad

    It’s just a shame we can’t put away her anablers also, and yes, I’m speaking of Drudge and the Right-wing media that hyped this absurd story without taking the time to ask some very basic questions. I mean seriously, when you’re even less skeptical and objective a journalist than Michelle Malkin you’ve got some problems.

  19. Anonymous Office Zombie

    Is it too early to add her to the list of contenders to be America’s Next Top Republican Leader yet?

  20. Czn939

    “Her own show on Fox” ROFLMAO!
    Isn’t that too true, though?
    Oliver North, Geraldo Rivera, Mike Huckabee…
    They even had Mark Furman on as a legal consultant once.
    Fox’s vetting process is almost as irresponsible as McCain’s.

  21. slappypaddy

    “When the snark
    bites…”
    (with rhythmic finger-snapping accompaniment)

    A week in jail huh? I bet she has a whole new outlook on life and good and evil and all that stuff now.

  22. Kinbote

    [re=156224]lenorecutie[/re]: Yes, Sara has gotten in touch with her inner NY Post. Bravo for life’s little ironies, indeed. Well played, madam.

  23. problemwithcaring

    [re=156211]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: She sorta looks young, but consider: if she was a black girl from her part of rural Texas, she probably would have been sentenced to life or/and dragged behind several pickup trucks by now.

    World-class medical treatment and an expunged record without any admission of guilt is what you get when you win on a reality TV show, not for trying to incite your neighbors into mob violence. Perhaps we will get to drag her behind a truck at some later time.

  24. Gopherit

    We should send her some truck nutz as a thank you.

    Goddamn it. My halloween costume is already obsolete. Damn justice system.

  25. springfield_meltdown

    [re=156241]Czn939[/re]: She can’t get her own show on Fox. She isn’t tall or blonde or pretty. If they make an exception to the blonde rule it would probably be for Palin. At best she could be a liberal pundit on Fox since we all know how they like to ug them up.

  26. user-of-owls

    [re=156248]Kinbote[/re]: So that’s where she freelances! Reminded me of my fav tabloid headline evah. The Boston Herald, after John Hinckley’s psych evaluation, declaimed: Shrink Thinks Hinck Stinks.

  27. Constitutional Riots

    [re=156244]larz[/re]: I have high hopes for Ashley. She’ll destress and slim down doing yoga and pilates, bulk up in lock down and then give Caribou Barbie a smackdown challenge for who can field dress a moose the fastest. Winner takes all. So, I’ll have to go with Todd*Palin 2012.

  28. fuckinredneck

    It’s a good thing for Ash RETodd’s reputation that this ugly incident will also be expunged from Google and the internet forever.

    Oh wait, no it won’t!

    ASHLEY TODD ASHLEY TODD ASHLEY TODD ASHLEY TODD

  29. Liverspots

    At the very least, the police should have actually carved a backwards B into her cheek with a five-inch knife. Or dropped her off in the real wrong side of Pittsburgh.

  30. magic titty

    [re=156176]Doglessliberal[/re]: How awesome would that be.
    You must watch Uptown Saturday Night anf Flavor of Love… all the time.

  31. Gopherit

    [re=156265]fuckinredneck[/re]: Given that Wonkette is now being archived by the Library of Congress, her story is now a part of history. Sadly, our comments are not.

  32. Liverspots

    [re=156237]obamaslamma[/re]: Don’t worry, I’m going to be a slutty Ashley Todd for halloween. Ashley Todd while being fake-sexually-assaulted. It’s very meta. And hot.

  33. Doglessliberal

    [re=156268]magic titty[/re]: actually, no! No TV in our house. (yes, we are arugula eating, book reading elitists)

  34. JRC

    Let’s see:

    John the Elder
    Sarah the Poseur
    Joe “not really” the Plumber
    Ashely the Nutter

    Who am I forgetting?

  35. 3-legged Bloodhound

    [re=156197]Rush[/re]: Call her Mis-demeanor. I don’t believe blazing a superficial backwards consonant on your cheek and providing false statements in order to incite a race-riot rises to the level of a felony just yet. Bitch can still vote for whitey.

  36. Sarah Palin (vp@whitehouse.gov)

    DAMN ALL OF YOU FAKE AMERICANS!! THIS WOMAN IS A TRUE HERO/PATRIOT FER SURE!

    -SP

  37. John McClain

    I spent a summer in College Station 15 years ago. Girlfriend is the pride of Brazos county.

    I mean, it wasn’t all bad. I managed to find the one as-of-yet-unlynched cadre of Queers, Art Kids & Democrats in the county, and guess what we did? That’s right, puppet theater.

    Everyone say hello to Ashley Todd, the favorite child of Waco’s butt-pimple, College Station, TX.

  38. V572625694

    What are these things you call “feelings,”[re=156211]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]? And if they exist, do they have a place in blog comments?

  39. V572625694

    [re=156227]freakishlystrong[/re]: Gotta hand the “Most Fucked-up Campaign Evah” title to Gore in 2000, since he let Naomi Wolf dress him in earth-tone suits, kept talking about Bush’s “risky plan,” and lost his home state. Or maybe to Kerry in ’04, who closed things out with $15M still in the bank. Or maybe Mondale in whenever it was, ’cause he didn’t do anything write.

    Isn’t it weird and great to have a competent Democratic campaign?

  40. magic titty

    [re=156277]Doglessliberal[/re]: I read them there books too, but need to watch hockey and Mad Men too.

  41. PrairiePossum

    I hope the court appoints a black probation officer, a black psychiatrist, a black caseworker, etc to oversee her sentence.

  42. slackey

    Great, a Tennessee shirt. Like one of the guys who conspired to attack Obama was from TN, the “Obama Waffles” assholes are in TN, the douche who named his kid “Sarah McCain Palin” is in TN, and the home of the KKK is in Pulaski, TN.

    And I am in TN as well. Hopefully I can get out and it can be given back to the Confederacy.

  43. Cal Umney

    [re=156313]slackey[/re]: My thoughts exactly. I thought about forwarding that picture to some Vols fans, but they’d probably respond “so what?”

    At least Joe the Self-proclaimed (but not) Plumber is from Ohio.

  44. Bigfoot

    I like the visual pun of “cut-nut.” Read it fast a couple of times and you end up sounding like Jammakaine.

  45. Charlie Tuna

    I’ve been reading Wonkette for a few years now and this is the first headline that made me register for the comments.

    Fucking hilarious!

  46. senator rosewater

    And when barack Obama is elected, all that mental health treatment she needs will be paid for by insurance that her redneck parents are too poor and stupid to buy now.

    Think a black male would have spent more than a week in jail???????????

  47. Itsjustme

    [re=156327]Cal Umney[/re]: I thought he was from Florida at some point? Just where the hell is he from?

    You seee… (creepy voice) we don’t really know Joe the Plumber

  48. NWDCThugette

    If she becomes a small business owner she can have a show on Fox Business News too. And a column in the wall street urinal.

  49. TRUECRISTIAN

    ATHEISTS;Whom did these monsters serve? Who directed the criminal, terrorist, and harmful activity of these vicious traitors to the Motherland? What goal did they want to achieve by the murders OF AMERICA?

  50. NWDCThugette

    [re=156423]senator rosewater[/re]: I think a black man would have been sent to the chair for this. duh.

  51. fuckinredneck

    [re=156450]NWDCThugette[/re]: All of us giggle and snark, but everyone needs to keep in mind that there’s still an IMAGINARY BLACK MAN out there, running around cuttin people!!!

  52. East of Sweden

    Actually, I feel bad because of her mental difficulties. I can’t make fun of the disabled. But maybe that’s the “clash of civilizations” that separates us soft-hearted communist Europeans from you success-driven God-lovin’ Americans.

    The headline was well crafted, though. I give it four out of five.

  53. FEMA

    [re=156457]fuckinredneck[/re]: guys this might have really happened. we’re so close to halloween. this could have been the ghost of Nat Turner or something coming after white trash mccrazies. she says she doesn’t know how the B got on her face? Maybe it was a revenge ghost. wooooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaooooooooo ashleyyyyyyy you fat cut-nut stupid moron.

  54. FEMA

    make her go to reverend wright please. she is so everything that he is talking about and he’s right.

  55. Itsjustme

    [re=156449]TRUECRISTIAN[/re]: WEll Hell Fire and Brimstone, are you just going to leave us hanging or are you going to give us the answers.

  56. IonaTrailer

    I’m totally going as Ashley Todd for Halloween. I love it that she was so dumb she carved the “B” backwards. This is the best-est election ever!

    Nov 5th: “Hello America ….I’m Barack the President!”

  57. JP

    Dear Barack Obama,

    Please visit to this sad child, hold her hand for a moment and tell her to hang in there and that things will turn out okay.

    Her (and our) 8 year nightmare will soon be over.

  58. M

    Glorious title. I’m disappointed that she’s not doing work-release/community service at Ritters or Del’s.

    I dunno, might she be responsible for the October 16th fire at the BBT?

  59. psychedelicSludge

    I love you both more than you can imagine, and you have earned the new cut-nut that’s coming with us to the White House.

Comments are closed.