DEPT. OF FALSE MUTILATIONS  1:20 pm October 30, 2008

Cut-Nut Sent To Nut-Hut

by Sara K. Smith

Happy Halloween!Ashley Todd, the 20-year-old McCain volunteer who bravely attempted to incite a New American Race War with her fake story about getting mutilated by an angry black man and instead spawned a cheap Halloween costume trend, will not be sent to torture-prison for five and a half years. After a mere week in jail, she reached a plea agreement with the Authorities: no hard time, only mental health treatment. She will also have to check in with those Authorities every now and again to let them know of her whereabouts, like a common criminal, so there’s that. By next week she will have a country music recording contract and her own show on Fox, after “Huckabee.” [MSNBC]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 111 comments }

StripesAndPlaids October 30, 2008 at 1:23 pm

I am Ashley the Nut Job.

shortsshortsshorts October 30, 2008 at 1:23 pm

Who is Ashley Todd? As an American my attention span is limited to this comment and my memory is limited to the last time I had sex.

Fly-over Correspondent October 30, 2008 at 1:23 pm

And a book deal, which could sell more copies than “The Turner Diaries”

cal October 30, 2008 at 1:24 pm

I see her big comeback as a talk show host on Fox:

“Coming up next, it’s Ashley!”

Neon Trotsky October 30, 2008 at 1:25 pm

How many cut-nuts could fill a nut-hut, if their gut and butt did jut?

Doglessliberal October 30, 2008 at 1:25 pm

Damn, I was hoping they would do some creative sentencing like: you must give poor, Black women foot massages and pedicures 8 hours a day for a month.

Kev-O-Tron October 30, 2008 at 1:28 pm

[re=156165]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: “my memory is limited to the last time I had sex.”

Is that what they refer to as “the Great Depression”?

swarm of bees October 30, 2008 at 1:28 pm

Golly, how could this girl be so fucked up at such a young age? I’m gonna say inbreeding since she’s from College Station. ICE BURN!

Servo October 30, 2008 at 1:29 pm

Lock that pumpkin Tele-Tubby up in Torrance.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/morganpa/2743725168/

user-of-owls October 30, 2008 at 1:29 pm

Don’t her carving skills make her more suited to the Food Channel?

Rush October 30, 2008 at 1:29 pm

I’m perplexed by this. She seems to have so much self esteem and awareness…

hockeymom October 30, 2008 at 1:29 pm

[re=156176]Doglessliberal[/re]: or large, mean, black janitors.

HomoPolitico October 30, 2008 at 1:30 pm

I was hoping for regular prison. That way she could be a cut-nut butt slut.

Constitutional Riots October 30, 2008 at 1:30 pm

I am going as Ashley Todd Palin for Halloween.

problemwithcaring October 30, 2008 at 1:31 pm

[re=156176]Doglessliberal[/re]: Her probation shouldn’t allow for her to wield a nail file ever again.

Rush October 30, 2008 at 1:31 pm

As a convict, she probably can’t vote. HAHAHAHA

NoWireHangers October 30, 2008 at 1:31 pm

She totally needs to stop by Dr. Phil or Montel and share her story.

NoWireHangers October 30, 2008 at 1:32 pm

Also, I love the “cut nut” thing, Wonkette. Well done.

dano October 30, 2008 at 1:32 pm

…when reached for comment Ms. Todd claimed to have been contacted by the Palin 2012 campaign for a possible honorary position as “Race Baiter Emeritus”.

NotUrEvryDayWEzl October 30, 2008 at 1:33 pm

[re=156163]StripesAndPlaids[/re]: I’ll gladly take that nut job if your offering.

MISTAHCOUGHDROP October 30, 2008 at 1:33 pm

Will she dance on Ellen? Maybe she’ll do a Dancing With The Stars and waltz with Joe The Plumber.

By the way, speaking of Joe The Plumber… HOW MUCH $$$ IS JOE THE PLUMBER BEING PAID BY THE PALIN CAMPAIGN? My guess is he gets $1000 every time they mention his name (and his offspring – Manny the Mechanic, Susie the Seamstress, Wilma the Waitress). Quite a business he launched. On O’Reilly just now he said he doesn’t like the media attention! He’s on the air more than Obama for shucks sakes!

Not_So_Much October 30, 2008 at 1:34 pm

I would totes watch her show! Mostly just to try and divine what secret symbols she would carve into her cheek each week…

[re=156196]problemwithcaring[/re]: How ’bout a nail gun? That’d be awesome!

american mutt October 30, 2008 at 1:34 pm

Actually, now I’m scared she will be beat up by a big black man this time around.

AnnieGetYourFun October 30, 2008 at 1:34 pm

God, in that photo of her, she looks even younger. I ALMOST feel bad for her. If I had feelings, I would definitely experience something called “sympathy”.

Advocatus_Diaboli October 30, 2008 at 1:34 pm

Maybe she should be sentenced to learn the alphabet, and about the way things look “different” in the mirror.

ManchuCandidate October 30, 2008 at 1:35 pm

I hope that when she gets her C&W recording contract that her first song is “Ash the Knife.”

bonghitsforjesus October 30, 2008 at 1:35 pm

If there’s one thing you learn in the nuthouse it’s how to carve a really deep gash that you can be proud of. So she’ll have a skill when she gets out.

shortsshortsshorts October 30, 2008 at 1:36 pm

[re=156204]MISTAHCOUGHDROP[/re]: Let me define it for you, Mr. Coughdrop:

“bull·shit (blsht) Vulgar Slang
n.
1. Foolish, deceitful, or boastful language.
2. Something worthless, deceptive, or insincere.
3. Insolent talk or behavior.”

Doglessliberal October 30, 2008 at 1:36 pm

[re=156189]hockeymom[/re]: ok, yes, much better.

wildeoats October 30, 2008 at 1:36 pm

Not even Levi would hit it.

Paterlanger October 30, 2008 at 1:37 pm

Since Joe the Plumber is being offered entertainment contracts too maybe they could do a project together. I’m thinking a reality show where Joe swears to help Ashley avenge her despoiled whiteness by tracking down the (very real) negro who mutilated her jowells. The first installment would begin with Ashley explaining that since all the cops interviewing her were black she had no choice but to change her story and claim that it was all a hoax otherwise the black cops would have killed her. Now, with the help of an unlicensed plumber/neophyte media whore, she can take justice into her own pudgy hands. Of course there would be some romantic tension between Ashley and Joe.

Rush October 30, 2008 at 1:37 pm

[re=156211]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]:

Good morning, the worm, your honour,
The crown will plainly show,
The prisoner who now stands before you,
Was caught red-handed showing feelings.
Showing feelings of an almost human nature.
This will not do

lenorecutie October 30, 2008 at 1:37 pm

That headline is going to be cracking me up all day. Yay Wonkette.

Worlds End October 30, 2008 at 1:37 pm
freakishlystrong October 30, 2008 at 1:38 pm

Is this the most fucked up campaign, like, evah?

Kwame' October 30, 2008 at 1:38 pm

She should tattoo some backwards B-shaped tears down her cheek for more street-cred.

Worlds End October 30, 2008 at 1:40 pm

[re=156210]american mutt[/re]: All i have to say about that is http://i422.photobucket.com/albums/pp306/worldsend52/karma-its-a-bitch-aint-it-demotivat.jpg

dano October 30, 2008 at 1:40 pm

Don’t worry about Ashely Todd. Miss “Girl Interrupted” will always be welcome on any white supremacist compound. They can pass her around like a bong in a dorm room.

Kinbote October 30, 2008 at 1:41 pm

I hope the janitors are nicer to her from now on.

obamaslamma October 30, 2008 at 1:41 pm

“cheap Halloween costume trend”? To all ‘slutty nurses’ and ‘naughty teachers’ — please pay no attention.

Serolf Divad October 30, 2008 at 1:41 pm

It’s just a shame we can’t put away her anablers also, and yes, I’m speaking of Drudge and the Right-wing media that hyped this absurd story without taking the time to ask some very basic questions. I mean seriously, when you’re even less skeptical and objective a journalist than Michelle Malkin you’ve got some problems.

Anonymous Office Zombie October 30, 2008 at 1:41 pm

Is it too early to add her to the list of contenders to be America’s Next Top Republican Leader yet?

Czn939 October 30, 2008 at 1:42 pm

“Her own show on Fox” ROFLMAO!
Isn’t that too true, though?
Oliver North, Geraldo Rivera, Mike Huckabee…
They even had Mark Furman on as a legal consultant once.
Fox’s vetting process is almost as irresponsible as McCain’s.

slappypaddy October 30, 2008 at 1:44 pm

“When the snark
bites…”
(with rhythmic finger-snapping accompaniment)

A week in jail huh? I bet she has a whole new outlook on life and good and evil and all that stuff now.

larz October 30, 2008 at 1:44 pm

Palin – Todd in ’12! The hunter and the carver!

Kinbote October 30, 2008 at 1:46 pm

[re=156224]lenorecutie[/re]: Yes, Sara has gotten in touch with her inner NY Post. Bravo for life’s little ironies, indeed. Well played, madam.

problemwithcaring October 30, 2008 at 1:48 pm

[re=156211]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: She sorta looks young, but consider: if she was a black girl from her part of rural Texas, she probably would have been sentenced to life or/and dragged behind several pickup trucks by now.

World-class medical treatment and an expunged record without any admission of guilt is what you get when you win on a reality TV show, not for trying to incite your neighbors into mob violence. Perhaps we will get to drag her behind a truck at some later time.

Gopherit October 30, 2008 at 1:48 pm

We should send her some truck nutz as a thank you.

Goddamn it. My halloween costume is already obsolete. Damn justice system.

Naked Bunny with a Whip October 30, 2008 at 1:48 pm

I hope this sets a precedent for all other Republicans.

springfield_meltdown October 30, 2008 at 1:50 pm

[re=156241]Czn939[/re]: She can’t get her own show on Fox. She isn’t tall or blonde or pretty. If they make an exception to the blonde rule it would probably be for Palin. At best she could be a liberal pundit on Fox since we all know how they like to ug them up.

Kwame' October 30, 2008 at 1:50 pm

[re=156193]Constitutional Riots[/re]: And Ashley is going as Tawana Brawley for Halloween.

user-of-owls October 30, 2008 at 1:51 pm

[re=156248]Kinbote[/re]: So that’s where she freelances! Reminded me of my fav tabloid headline evah. The Boston Herald, after John Hinckley’s psych evaluation, declaimed: Shrink Thinks Hinck Stinks.

magic titty October 30, 2008 at 1:53 pm

[re=156173]Neon Trotsky[/re]: Win.

Constitutional Riots October 30, 2008 at 1:53 pm

[re=156244]larz[/re]: I have high hopes for Ashley. She’ll destress and slim down doing yoga and pilates, bulk up in lock down and then give Caribou Barbie a smackdown challenge for who can field dress a moose the fastest. Winner takes all. So, I’ll have to go with Todd*Palin 2012.

fuckinredneck October 30, 2008 at 1:55 pm

It’s a good thing for Ash RETodd’s reputation that this ugly incident will also be expunged from Google and the internet forever.

Oh wait, no it won’t!

ASHLEY TODD ASHLEY TODD ASHLEY TODD ASHLEY TODD

Liverspots October 30, 2008 at 1:56 pm

At the very least, the police should have actually carved a backwards B into her cheek with a five-inch knife. Or dropped her off in the real wrong side of Pittsburgh.

magic titty October 30, 2008 at 1:56 pm

[re=156176]Doglessliberal[/re]: How awesome would that be.
You must watch Uptown Saturday Night anf Flavor of Love… all the time.

Gopherit October 30, 2008 at 1:57 pm

[re=156265]fuckinredneck[/re]: Given that Wonkette is now being archived by the Library of Congress, her story is now a part of history. Sadly, our comments are not.

Liverspots October 30, 2008 at 1:58 pm

[re=156237]obamaslamma[/re]: Don’t worry, I’m going to be a slutty Ashley Todd for halloween. Ashley Todd while being fake-sexually-assaulted. It’s very meta. And hot.

gjdodger October 30, 2008 at 1:59 pm

[re=156241]Czn939[/re]: “Next, right after Huckabee…it’s ‘Carve-a-”B”!’”

cheeto_jeebus October 30, 2008 at 2:00 pm

cut nut haz sad

nut hut for her badz

no more nut cutz

–Basho

Doglessliberal October 30, 2008 at 2:00 pm

[re=156268]magic titty[/re]: actually, no! No TV in our house. (yes, we are arugula eating, book reading elitists)

Lazy Media October 30, 2008 at 2:02 pm

We are all Ashley Todd now.

Tommy Says Soooo October 30, 2008 at 2:02 pm

Old fashioned (bourbon). Yes, aromatic bitters. Good lunch. Fuck yawl.

JRC October 30, 2008 at 2:04 pm

Let’s see:

John the Elder
Sarah the Poseur
Joe “not really” the Plumber
Ashely the Nutter

Who am I forgetting?

3-legged Bloodhound October 30, 2008 at 2:04 pm

[re=156197]Rush[/re]: Call her Mis-demeanor. I don’t believe blazing a superficial backwards consonant on your cheek and providing false statements in order to incite a race-riot rises to the level of a felony just yet. Bitch can still vote for whitey.

Sarah Palin (vp@whitehouse.gov) October 30, 2008 at 2:04 pm

DAMN ALL OF YOU FAKE AMERICANS!! THIS WOMAN IS A TRUE HERO/PATRIOT FER SURE!

-SP

TGY October 30, 2008 at 2:07 pm

Ashleyyy Toddd the BARBERRRR…BWahAHahaa

3-legged Bloodhound October 30, 2008 at 2:07 pm

[re=156284]JRC[/re]: Toad the Wet Sprocket?

John McClain October 30, 2008 at 2:07 pm

I spent a summer in College Station 15 years ago. Girlfriend is the pride of Brazos county.

I mean, it wasn’t all bad. I managed to find the one as-of-yet-unlynched cadre of Queers, Art Kids & Democrats in the county, and guess what we did? That’s right, puppet theater.

Everyone say hello to Ashley Todd, the favorite child of Waco’s butt-pimple, College Station, TX.

hedgehog October 30, 2008 at 2:08 pm

[re=156192]HomoPolitico[/re]: Hey, a perverted Dr. Suess! Do you chew blue goo?

regisgoat October 30, 2008 at 2:08 pm

Has anyone seen any cut-nut jack o’lanterns?

Canmon (the Inadequate) October 30, 2008 at 2:10 pm

So, she gets to vote but the imaginary black man can’t.

V572625694 October 30, 2008 at 2:11 pm

What are these things you call “feelings,”[re=156211]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]? And if they exist, do they have a place in blog comments?

Tommy Says Soooo October 30, 2008 at 2:15 pm

[re=156298]Canmon (the Inadequate)[/re]: Surely ACORN will remedy this tenfold.

V572625694 October 30, 2008 at 2:15 pm

[re=156227]freakishlystrong[/re]: Gotta hand the “Most Fucked-up Campaign Evah” title to Gore in 2000, since he let Naomi Wolf dress him in earth-tone suits, kept talking about Bush’s “risky plan,” and lost his home state. Or maybe to Kerry in ’04, who closed things out with $15M still in the bank. Or maybe Mondale in whenever it was, ’cause he didn’t do anything write.

Isn’t it weird and great to have a competent Democratic campaign?

V572625694 October 30, 2008 at 2:17 pm

[re=156303]V572625694[/re]: “didn’t do anything right”, moran.

magic titty October 30, 2008 at 2:18 pm

[re=156277]Doglessliberal[/re]: I read them there books too, but need to watch hockey and Mad Men too.

user-of-owls October 30, 2008 at 2:23 pm

Can we have a serious discussion of the relative merits of autarchy?

Who Pooped in the Ballot Box?
http://www.ireport.com/docs/DOC-128190

JSDC007 October 30, 2008 at 2:23 pm

Joe, the Plumber – CutNut in 2016 will be the new rallying cry.

PrairiePossum October 30, 2008 at 2:25 pm

I hope the court appoints a black probation officer, a black psychiatrist, a black caseworker, etc to oversee her sentence.

slackey October 30, 2008 at 2:25 pm

Great, a Tennessee shirt. Like one of the guys who conspired to attack Obama was from TN, the “Obama Waffles” assholes are in TN, the douche who named his kid “Sarah McCain Palin” is in TN, and the home of the KKK is in Pulaski, TN.

And I am in TN as well. Hopefully I can get out and it can be given back to the Confederacy.

Cal Umney October 30, 2008 at 2:30 pm

[re=156313]slackey[/re]: My thoughts exactly. I thought about forwarding that picture to some Vols fans, but they’d probably respond “so what?”

At least Joe the Self-proclaimed (but not) Plumber is from Ohio.

Bigfoot October 30, 2008 at 2:32 pm

I like the visual pun of “cut-nut.” Read it fast a couple of times and you end up sounding like Jammakaine.

slackey October 30, 2008 at 2:45 pm

Cal Umney: At least there’s that!

Charlie Tuna October 30, 2008 at 2:58 pm

I’ve been reading Wonkette for a few years now and this is the first headline that made me register for the comments.

Fucking hilarious!

Itsjustme October 30, 2008 at 3:00 pm

Well, Sarah may be the Whack Job, but Ashley is a “cut” above the rest.

senator rosewater October 30, 2008 at 3:04 pm

And when barack Obama is elected, all that mental health treatment she needs will be paid for by insurance that her redneck parents are too poor and stupid to buy now.

Think a black male would have spent more than a week in jail???????????

wheelie October 30, 2008 at 3:08 pm

[re=156410]Charlie Tuna[/re]: Obligatory Welcome Message!

Itsjustme October 30, 2008 at 3:11 pm

[re=156327]Cal Umney[/re]: I thought he was from Florida at some point? Just where the hell is he from?

You seee… (creepy voice) we don’t really know Joe the Plumber

fuckinredneck October 30, 2008 at 3:22 pm

How many nuts could a cut nut cut if a cut nut could cut nuts?

WALNUTS, that is.

NWDCThugette October 30, 2008 at 3:23 pm

If she becomes a small business owner she can have a show on Fox Business News too. And a column in the wall street urinal.

TRUECRISTIAN October 30, 2008 at 3:23 pm

ATHEISTS;Whom did these monsters serve? Who directed the criminal, terrorist, and harmful activity of these vicious traitors to the Motherland? What goal did they want to achieve by the murders OF AMERICA?

NWDCThugette October 30, 2008 at 3:24 pm

[re=156423]senator rosewater[/re]: I think a black man would have been sent to the chair for this. duh.

NWDCThugette October 30, 2008 at 3:24 pm

[re=156296]regisgoat[/re]: No but I think we need a family of them.

fuckinredneck October 30, 2008 at 3:26 pm

[re=156450]NWDCThugette[/re]: All of us giggle and snark, but everyone needs to keep in mind that there’s still an IMAGINARY BLACK MAN out there, running around cuttin people!!!

Tommy Says Soooo October 30, 2008 at 3:28 pm

Today we are all imaginary black men.

magic titty October 30, 2008 at 3:32 pm

[re=156457]fuckinredneck[/re]: Mmhmm.

East of Sweden October 30, 2008 at 3:55 pm

Actually, I feel bad because of her mental difficulties. I can’t make fun of the disabled. But maybe that’s the “clash of civilizations” that separates us soft-hearted communist Europeans from you success-driven God-lovin’ Americans.

The headline was well crafted, though. I give it four out of five.

3-legged Bloodhound October 30, 2008 at 4:00 pm

[re=156449]TRUECRISTIAN[/re]: Get off yer cross – we need the wood.

FEMA October 30, 2008 at 4:13 pm

[re=156457]fuckinredneck[/re]: guys this might have really happened. we’re so close to halloween. this could have been the ghost of Nat Turner or something coming after white trash mccrazies. she says she doesn’t know how the B got on her face? Maybe it was a revenge ghost. wooooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaooooooooo ashleyyyyyyy you fat cut-nut stupid moron.

FEMA October 30, 2008 at 4:15 pm

make her go to reverend wright please. she is so everything that he is talking about and he’s right.

Itsjustme October 30, 2008 at 4:24 pm

[re=156449]TRUECRISTIAN[/re]: WEll Hell Fire and Brimstone, are you just going to leave us hanging or are you going to give us the answers.

slappypaddy October 30, 2008 at 4:28 pm

[re=156449]TRUECRISTIAN[/re]: True-C, good to see you, give us a kiss, come on, love…

IonaTrailer October 30, 2008 at 4:30 pm

I’m totally going as Ashley Todd for Halloween. I love it that she was so dumb she carved the “B” backwards. This is the best-est election ever!

Nov 5th: “Hello America ….I’m Barack the President!”

S.Luggo October 30, 2008 at 4:31 pm

[re=156449]TRUECRISTIAN[/re]: Ashley?

palmerdawg October 30, 2008 at 4:44 pm

Fuck that crazy, nut, neocon, jungle fever wannabe whore bitch.

tonehedge October 30, 2008 at 7:57 pm

Ya can’t spell cut nut without, (GASP) ‘cunt’

JP October 30, 2008 at 10:23 pm

Dear Barack Obama,

Please visit to this sad child, hold her hand for a moment and tell her to hang in there and that things will turn out okay.

Her (and our) 8 year nightmare will soon be over.

M October 30, 2008 at 11:55 pm

Glorious title. I’m disappointed that she’s not doing work-release/community service at Ritters or Del’s.

I dunno, might she be responsible for the October 16th fire at the BBT?

psychedelicSludge November 9, 2008 at 8:24 pm

I love you both more than you can imagine, and you have earned the new cut-nut that’s coming with us to the White House.

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