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Ha ha John McCain’s new boyfriend is a terrible media whore! Joe the Plumber has successfully converted his 15 milliseconds of fame into a COUNTRY MUSIC RECORDING CONTRACT and a live televised shotgun wedding on November 4th to Sarah Palin’s sixth baby, “Trotsky,” on top of a melting ice floe.

With all that craziness on his schedule, Joe the Plumber obviously did not have time to go to the old nut’s rally, so John McCain just sits there saying “Oh Walnuts,” sadly.

Where’s Joe? [Ben Smith]

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126 COMMENTS

  1. And the moral of the story is, there’s a little Joe the Plumber in all of us…

    Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go on national television and misrepresent my income, profession, and given name for 15 minutes of fame that I will milk for as long as possible.

  2. “Joe the Plumber has successfully converted his 15 milliseconds of fame into a COUNTRY MUSIC RECORDING CONTRACT…”

    Well, yeah. McCain’s slogan is “Country first.” Not, “ABBA first.”

  3. What’s the over/under on number of months until we read that Walnuts and Cindy have “all but divorced”? I can’t even begin to count the number of times she’s had to stand awkwardly behind Walnuts while he does something stupid on live TV. It would be a true miracle if she’s not on the pills again.

  4. Well, maybe ‘ol Joe knew something the rest of us didn’t after all. At this rate, with the new “real music” recording contract and the “real ‘Murica” tour, he will be making $250K next year. Don’t understand why he would bail on Walnuts now, since he could be the de facto running mate for the remainder of the campaign. Oh well, something for him to ponder when he goes back home and finds that the Repubs have denied him the right to vote because a $25K a year gubmint clerk from fake America entered his name wrong in the system.

  5. To close the circle of television-non-appearance screwing, Joe the Plumber must now appear on Letterman. Or maybe Letterman must appear on Joe’s album, I’m still working it out.

  6. People say I’m the head of the party
    Because I crashed a plane or two
    Although I might be laughing loud and hearty
    Deep inside I’m blue
    So take a good look at my face
    You’ll see my snarl looks out of place
    If you look closer, it’s easy to trace
    The tracks of my tears..
    I need Joe, need Joe

    Since you left me if you see me with another Joe
    Seeming like I’m having fun
    Although he may be cute
    He’s a real plumber
    Because you’re the fakiest one..
    So take a good look at my face
    You’ll see my snarl looks out of place
    If you look closer, it’s easy to trace
    The tracks of my tears..

  7. Haha. No one likes Walnuts.

    Has Kristol weighed in on this yet? I’m sure he said something like “make Joe the Everyman of your campaign rhetoric. He’s perfect, obviously. No way in the world can this can backfire and turn into a distracting circus act. Oh, btw, I just heard that Drano tastes good.”

  8. [re=156051]Neon Trotsky[/re]: I’m still waiting for Titogate. That guy’s Mexican accent is so fake, and I know, I’m a professional. Tito the Builder is not for real.

  9. WALNUTS! flashes back to Prom Night 1834…

    Been around the world and I
    I can’t find my baby
    I don’t know when, I don’t know why
    Why he’s gone away
    And I don’t know where he can be, my baby
    But I’m gonna find him…

  10. All decked out in his new Wranglers and flannel shirt (the “costume” picked by his GOP handlers to properly identify him as a member of the Village People) Joe was busy cutting up the body of Shepherd Smith into tiny little pieces.

  11. I guarantee you that Joe the attention whore would show up in an Obama ad if they paid him. Joe makes about $40k and owes back taxes. I think this is his one shot to make enough to pay his back taxes and buy that new snake he’s had his eyes on.

  12. McCain rally in a nutshell:
    “Obama thinks A, I’ll give you B”
    Followed by bored clapping and perfunctory cheering
    (repeat 30 times)

    You have to feel that by the end of the rally his supporters are more depressed than before it started.

  13. Someone over at the liberal Kos internet website provides this hilarious detail about the crowd at that event:

    A local school district official confirmed after the event that of the 6,000 people estimated by the fire marshal to be in attendance this morning, more than 4,000 were bused in from schools in the area. The entire 2,500-student Defiance School District was in attendance, the official said, in addition to at least three other schools from neighboring districts, one of which sent 14 buses.

  14. [re=156080]Darehead[/re]:

    You win the award for best reference to an old, 25-year old B- country song sang by a chubby guy with a white beard who still has a boner for Dolly Parton.

  15. He’s just like Palin – pick him as your mascot and next thing you know he’s out buying wardrobes and getting an agent. He’s so much your average American.

  16. I’m Joe the Plumber, Bitch!

    I guess that only makes sense if you know gossip and rumors about country music singers who do Monday Night Football theme songs…

  17. All you libruls will be terribly embarrassed when it turns out that J the P was singlehandedly beating’ Putin silly with a plunger and a monkey wrench, thus protectin’ us from that socialism CB has been warnin’ about.

  18. With a name like “Joe the Plumber” he should probably be doing country novelty songs and touring with that real American “Larry the Cable Guy”. I hope Joe’s career spawns many hits about meth addiction and the woes of income redistribution for poor whites who win the lotto or become famewhores.

  19. Maybe Joe the Plumber was actually plumbing at 10:30 in the morning. I am surprised that this guy’s ma$$ively successful two person business can be so sparsely attended by him.

  20. [re=156036]Shadowfax[/re]: “I’m starting to feel embarrassed for McCain. It is about the 4th time this week I’ve actually felt sorry for him.

    Pity him if you must, but I will not waste a single second pitying this man. I for one can’t wait until Cindy decides she’s had enough and divorces him, leaving destitute and selling pencils on the street corner.

  21. This is so pathetic…I almost feel sorry for the old guy…then I remember that he picked Palin & sent her out to stir up the white supremacists, and that he lies about Hopey every time he opens his mouth, and that he promises to be respectful and then has his wife do his dirty work for him, and then I no longer feel sorry. I say he gets exactly what he deserves.

    Who’s gonna be around to clean up the mess he’s left after Tuesday? Not Joe the Plumber.

  22. If all the internet tubes break right now and I never see another clip of anything in my life I totally don’t care. What could possibly top that?

  23. Betting your campaign on whether a plumber will show up on time?? No wonder Palin is jumping ship.
    BTW- that girl in the green jacket looks miserable. Either she needs to pee really bad or she found out the free sandwiches were gone.

  24. Joe the Plumber got himself an agent and surprisingly won’t be doing any more appearances on the McCain circuit. Coming out for Obama tonight will buy him another five days of fame – plenty of time for his agent can plan the complete failure of his first country album, the resulting spiral into alcoholism, and his 2012 comeback…

  25. [re=156160]Georgia Burning[/re]: Mmmmm…. Green Jacket. Let’s roleplay tonight. You put that backwards B on your cheek and I’ll show you my big red Grampy/Starburst Thunderstick. We can talk about scrapbooking while we do it. Make that pewpewpew noise I like so much. Proper.

  26. From the Politico comments:

    Enough already, I am sick and tired of you snarky husseinites. Just shut up.
    Posted By: You Hussein terrorist supporters are evil | October 30, 2008 at 11:39 AM

    Like Pablo said: I am done with this.

  27. Right after the awkward silence, SAM the non-plumber realized JohnnyMac was talking to him….too late. You gotta be smarter than that to stay number one in the number two biz….

  28. Joe the Plumber is the new Ashley Alexandra Whatever – he’s got to fit as much into his 15 minutes as humanly possible.

    How many whore diamonds do you think he’s worth, anyway?

  29. Joe should be kissing Obama’s ass for giving him this new found career.
    The great part will be because of this 15 hours of fame, it will push him into a higer tax bracket.
    Hahahahahahaha, it’s your own fault Joe!!!! NOW FIX MY POO FLUSHER!!!!

  30. “Where’s Joe the plumber? Joe? OK, he’s not here. But we do have Sarah Palin for you guys, Sarah stand up! Sarah? where’s Sarah? Not here either?”

    Meanwhile, in Joe’s van out back… [cue the “chacka chacka bwooomp bwoomp” porn groove].

  31. …was having a great day… nice early buzz, making Halloween cookies for the little ‘uns, great clip of Walnuts on the Wonkette… I thought things were going well enough to do a little recon on the enemy so I tuned into Rush Limbaugh for a few minutes. Now I want to die. Creationism is as sane as these assholes get. It’s sooooo worse than I want to admit.

  32. Cheap Political Metaphor, where are you? Is Cheap Political Metaphor here with us today? Cheap Political Metaphor, I thought you were here today,” McCain said. When there was no response, he added, “Alright, well, you’re all Cheap Political Metaphors so all of you stand up!”

  33. McCain declaring everybody to be Joe the Plumber kind of reminded me of that one episode of Raw from years ago where Vince McMahon hired everybody just so he could immediately fire us.

  34. Ha. All your Cheap Political Metaphor are belong to us.

    Oh, and John? Gonna restore the auto industry in America? tsk. You forgot to take your meds again didn’t you….

  35. Is there a Joe the Plumber scene in that Nailin Palin porno movie? There must be. Larry Flynt is guilty of porn malpractice if there isn’t.

  36. until he actually ended with “Joe the plumber,” I supposed he might be having a senior moment, forgotten about Palin, and was looking around for his bff Leiberman.

  37. [re=156050]Dave J.[/re]: That bitch’s always high! see that smile, you have to be fucked up to maintain that smile. she looks like the joker, without the heavy make up.

  38. If I saw John McCain walking alone in the mall, I’d take him to the security office until him family came and got him. Maybe get him a cookie.

  39. [re=156316]Deepthroat[/re]: McCain can just use the “Betty” The Cynical Asshole metaphor when referring to me on the campaign trail: “My friends, Obama has no tax plan for “Betty” The Cynical Asshole, and that is UnAmerican, my friends!” And then I can get a 3 book deal and a record contract, right? Why not? I’m just another random anonymous jerk who showed up at a political rally once!

  40. Hi Wonkette!

    If you loved that you’ll love this even better – I had friend in Idaho e me a couple days ago to lay some long distance twang on a Joe the plumber song he wrote and when I went to check it out on you tube it was great to find out it’s probably the best one out there –

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k3AqT5mVzNw

    BTW – we grew up together up in Alaska – my sis played basket ball against Caribou Barbie and my uncle still lives right up the road from her!

    Lets get this guy some hits for this and his humble little home spun video!

  41. [re=156030]Dave J.[/re]:

    Oops – meant to reply here…

    If you loved that you’ll love this even better….
    I had friend in Idaho e me a couple days ago to lay some long distance twang on a Joe the plumber song he wrote and when I went to check it out on you tube it was great to find out it’s probably the best one out there –

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k3AqT5mVzNw

    BTW – we grew up together up in Alaska – my sis played basket ball against caribou barbie and my uncle still lives right up the road from her!

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