CRYING TIME  1:01 pm October 30, 2008

Happy Official U.S. Recession Day, Losers!

by Ken Layne

If you ain't got the Do Re Mi ...Not that you’d know it from the collapse of real estate, manufacturing, finance, retail and basic employment, but America is now officially in a Recession! In the third quarter of this wretched year of Our Lord — which doesn’t even include the 1929-style stock market collapse this month — the economy shrunk by .03%. Not outrageously terrible, as the never-ever-correct people known as economists predicted a half-percent contraction, but it’s still the worse since Our Terrorized Quarter of 9/11. Never forget!

Consumer spending, that perpetually unsatisfied engine of America that makes up two-thirds of U.S. economic activity, fell by 3.1%. Now that’s a serious number, if you like numbers. The last time quarterly consumer spending actually dropped, we were in a magic time known as the 1991 recession. And the last time consumer spending dropped so steeply, it was 1980.

“Disposable personal income,” officially known as “walking around money” plunged 8.7%, the biggest drop since 1947.

Of course, some assholes will perpetually argue that we’re not in a True Recession, as we haven’t had some asshole’s specific definition of a recession perfectly honored by the government GDP reports. (By “some assholes,” of course, we always mean Larry Kudlow.) The only reason the government GDP reports haven’t shown two consecutive steep declines in economic activity is because the government has been printing money at an obnoxious, enormous pace for more than a year straight — economic stimulus checks, Bear Stearns, the Fannie Mae/Freddie Mac takeover, AIG, and the whole open-ended “$700 billion” bad-securities buyout that has metamorphosed into a $2 trillion bank buyout.

Or, in Reuters’ words, “More spending by the government partly offset a sharp retreat by consumers.”

Stocks are up a little today, because come on, who doesn’t know this?

Economy shrank in third quarter as consumers retreat [Reuters]
Economy shrinks on weak spending [WSJ]

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Hola wonkerados.

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Scarab October 30, 2008 at 1:06 pm

Brother can you spare a dime bag?

shortsshortsshorts October 30, 2008 at 1:07 pm

Larry Kudlow is an asshole.

slappypaddy October 30, 2008 at 1:08 pm

All that prayerful rubbing yesterday on Wall Street on that magic bull, and all we get is a recessive genie?

Rush October 30, 2008 at 1:08 pm

Yeah, but I saved $5 on my car insurance, fuckerz.

ManchuCandidate October 30, 2008 at 1:09 pm

I think it’s a race between how fast the DOW will collapse and how long Larry Kraplow’s remaining shreds of “sanity” will last.

freakishlystrong October 30, 2008 at 1:09 pm

Can “Some Assholes” also include Jim Cramer? Or is he just a bushel of dicks?

V572625694 October 30, 2008 at 1:10 pm

One more alt-text like that, Ken, and you’ll be outed as a folkie. What kind of a Martin do you have?

LauraJune October 30, 2008 at 1:10 pm

This machine kills terrorists.

carerer October 30, 2008 at 1:10 pm

Government employees will get a 3.9% cost-of-living salary increase. It’s good to see the government take care of its own (ie. fellow employees, not fellow citizens).

Rush October 30, 2008 at 1:11 pm

If only there was some muslim who can save us….

nestor October 30, 2008 at 1:11 pm

This wonkette kills fascists.

Quacker October 30, 2008 at 1:14 pm

How Kudlow can it Kudgo?

Giant Robot October 30, 2008 at 1:14 pm

Wealthy repugs don’t notice a small dip in walking around money. When they have less whoring around money it might start to sink in…

Dave J. October 30, 2008 at 1:14 pm

I just got the “LOLZ at you if you think you’re getting a raise next year, sucka” memo at work. I guess it’s a sign of where we are that I read this as relatively GOOD news.

TGY October 30, 2008 at 1:14 pm

I have personally given up a second dirty martini before switching to beer, so I have been fully aware of the recession for some time. It’s the Martini Index.

Constitutional Riots October 30, 2008 at 1:15 pm

Jones Pure Cane Cola and Xanax for all.

S.Luggo October 30, 2008 at 1:15 pm

Huzzah. Now I can buy me some plastic shoes.

Darehead October 30, 2008 at 1:15 pm

Sinners, ya better get red. I mean ready.

magic titty October 30, 2008 at 1:16 pm

This is solely due to the economy recently getting out of the pool.
Things will be back to normal in no time.

StripesAndPlaids October 30, 2008 at 1:17 pm

[re=156110]V572625694[/re]: In certain circles, that was definitely a win.

sanantonerose October 30, 2008 at 1:18 pm

In the squares of the city – In the shadow of the steeple
Near the relief office – I see my people
And some are grumblin’ and some are wonderin’
If this land’s still made for you and me.

I named one of my cats Woodrow Wilson Guthriepants. Woody for short. He was a stray in the neighborhood, a regular little hobo.

Servo October 30, 2008 at 1:18 pm

Woo-hoo! Buds and Suds for dinner!

Worlds End October 30, 2008 at 1:18 pm

Well at least the Sarasota rally was good. Got a number while i was there.

tremendous October 30, 2008 at 1:19 pm

so the recession is in the tank?

bonghitsforjesus October 30, 2008 at 1:21 pm

During economic crisis I suggest the black market. Guns drugs and bootleg videos are totally recession-proof.

Doglessliberal October 30, 2008 at 1:23 pm

headline and subhead on

Exxon Posts Record Profit

Oil giant’s quarterly profit rises 58 percent as higher prices offset hurricanes’ effect.

user-of-owls October 30, 2008 at 1:23 pm

[re=156139]magic titty[/re]: Oh, so you saw the headline on Drudge too?

Worlds End October 30, 2008 at 1:24 pm

when do we start burning are tvs for warmth?

tunamelt October 30, 2008 at 1:24 pm

This is why I’m going back to disordered eating. Nothing like a little anorexia to save you money on food.

Constitutional Riots October 30, 2008 at 1:25 pm

Prince was a prophet apparently since the party did sort of come to a screeching halt in 1999.

Electric Zen October 30, 2008 at 1:25 pm

Kudlow’s right, two consecutive quarters is a recession.

Therefore, everyone who criticized Bush over the last year was wrong, because he didn’t preside over a recession in his second term.

The next quarterly GDP report comes out on January 30th. When it reveals a (spoiler alert!) 34% drop in GDP, then we will be in a recession.

But guess who will be our president then?

That’s right, it’s BARRY’S RECESSION, you motherfuckas!

Barry is like Jimmy Carter plus Herbert Hoover times one thousand.

magic titty October 30, 2008 at 1:27 pm

Oh noes! Fox has the Fox poll tightening! What do we do!!

Gopherit October 30, 2008 at 1:28 pm

[re=156130]Dave J.[/re]: You must not work for a bailout industry.

Sussemilch October 30, 2008 at 1:30 pm

Ok. Gas prices get jacked up to the fucking stratosphere, people stop buying shit, rich people are fucked, economic trend is called a “recssion.” Since rich people can’t afford to swim naked in giant vats of oiled virgins anymore, gas prices drop, people start buying shit, and economic trend is called a “recovery.” Meanwhile, we keep selling ring tones to oiled virgins and getting as drunk as possible on anything we can swallow.

Yay, I remember everything I learned in college!

tunamelt October 30, 2008 at 1:30 pm

[re=156177]Electric Zen[/re]: CONSPIRACY!!1!! Only Ron Paul can save us now.

Worlds End October 30, 2008 at 1:31 pm
Mel_David October 30, 2008 at 1:37 pm

‘Or, in Reuters’ words, “More spending by the government partly offset a sharp retreat by consumers.”’

Wait, what? Government spending can stimulate the economy? I thought it just went to the blacks, for drugs.

Digdig October 30, 2008 at 1:38 pm

Of course the powers that be are all making this look as good as possible now so that when Barry gets in the that bottom can fall out and the ass-fucking can really start. He is being used as a tool to fail so that they can get “Palin/Joe the Plunber 2012″ elected.
O-B-ama Kenobi’s powers are no match for the dark side.
I’m all set here, I live on the top of a hill, make my own booze and got alot of guns.
Luck to the rest of ya sucka’s.

azw88 October 30, 2008 at 1:40 pm

Hey, where does one buy hobo beans???? I want to run out and stock up before there is a run on them after work!!

azw88 October 30, 2008 at 1:41 pm

[re=156103]Rush[/re]: you are an elitist prick! You still HAVE a car!!!

Dave J. October 30, 2008 at 1:45 pm

[re=156181]magic titty[/re]: Is this like Bill O’Reilly’s election map that shows places like Oregon (Obama +13 in latest polls) and Minnesota (Hopey +12) as toss-ups, but places like Arizona (McCain +2) and North Carolina (McCain +1) as solid red?

magic titty October 30, 2008 at 1:51 pm

[re=156245]Dave J.[/re]: Pretty much. Yes.

problemwithcaring October 30, 2008 at 1:57 pm

OMG, are westill talking about the United States of whatsername? Can’t we all just move on now?

shortsshortsshorts October 30, 2008 at 2:00 pm

[re=156245]Dave J.[/re]:

??? No it doesn’t. I AM CONFUSED.

Lascauxcaveman October 30, 2008 at 2:05 pm

[re=156113]LauraJune[/re]: I was going to say “This machine kills Wonkettes.” But I guess that’s about the same thing.

Servo October 30, 2008 at 2:19 pm

I find comfort in knowing that we’re exhausting all efforts in combating the single greatest threat to our way of life…Al Qaeda.

superfecta October 30, 2008 at 2:26 pm

Wait, so last time consumer spending dropped like this current lead balloon, it was 1980…when the Phillies last won the World Series JUST LIKE LAST NIGHT. You know what this means, of course — PHILLIES DID 9/11.

Should we call a Philadelphia Lawyer? Or build another Grand Coulee Dam?

Scaggsvillain October 30, 2008 at 2:38 pm

2 consecutive quarters of negative growth, bitches! 2!

One Yield Regular October 30, 2008 at 2:38 pm

[re=156118]nestor[/re]: I had that Woody Guthrie trope painted on my old laptop. I still have it painted on a ukelele.

TGY October 30, 2008 at 2:48 pm

Also, it can’t be a really nasty recession, ’cause Exxon-Mobil posted their biggest quarterly profit ever.

Hm, what’s that noise? Teeth gnashing and grinding?

4tehlulz October 30, 2008 at 2:51 pm

[re=156317]superfecta[/re]: Oh shit does that mean that Hopey is Reagan?

Senator Bateman October 30, 2008 at 3:02 pm

Is Woody Guthrie singing to hobos, or something? We need more Arlo! And more machines that kill fascists!

Meth Lab for Cutie October 30, 2008 at 3:27 pm

Ken, everybody loves Woody Guthrie … can you show a little love for Boxcar Willie?

superfecta October 30, 2008 at 3:53 pm

We could also do with some Phil Ochs…’Days of Decision’ would be particularly apt right about now.

slappypaddy October 30, 2008 at 4:14 pm

[re=156102]slappypaddy[/re]: From the deep recesses of my subconscious sometimes come the most truly appalling gaffes. I just realized one line of subtext in what I said earlier, and am mortified. Forgive me, please. (And if you didn’t get what it was, I’m sure not going to point it out.)

American Spectator October 30, 2008 at 4:48 pm

Hey! A recession is two consecutive quarters of negative GDP, which we CLEARLY haven’t experienced. Everything’s fine. Go about your business.

Numbat Dundee October 30, 2008 at 5:13 pm

[re=156420]Senator Bateman[/re]: Isn’t Arlo a Paultard or something?

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