Liveblogging Obama’s TeeVee Show, West Coast Prime Time Edition

Hello people of the Western States. To keep things “pure,” your editor has not read the previous liveblogs, so this whole song-and-dance will be new. We missed John McCain on the Larry King Show,, too. But we saw Ron Paul on Rachel Maddow’s show! Let’s see what’s going on, and try to justify this weird three-zone liveblogging.

ALL TIMES ARE PACIFIC. LIVEBLOG #1 IS HERE. LIVEBLOG #2 IS HERE.

6:57 PM — Dan Rather is saying John McCain was super awesome and natural and wonderful on Larry King. So, McCain must’ve been awful.
6:58 PM — Rachel Maddow was very nice and respectful to Dr. Ron Paul! She made the swell point that conservatives and new-maybe conservatives spread all over the place during the primary — including a lot of Paultards! — and not many of them wanted anything to do with the conservative president, or, really, the Republican nominee, Walnuts McCain.
6:59 PM — Hey, one of the sports teams won the sports event! Congratulations!
7:00 PM — You know who did these infomercials, long ago? Ross Perot!
7:00 PM — McCain lied about the World Series being delayed, for THAT ONE!!! Olbermann/Murdoch (different people, right?) say that is not true, game started 8:40 p.m. tonight (Eastern) compared to last night’s 8:30 p.m. TERRORISTS!
7:02 PM — Ha ha, Dingbat Racist Moron Shitbird Sarah Palin squealed about Barack Obama’s new terrorist boyfriend from the distant past, and ha ha, turns out John McCain gave that same TERRORIST a half-million dollars, because why not, hey, it’s just money.
7:03 PM — Barack and Bill, live, at a thing! Okay, your editor needs to quickly consume his dinner, BRB DUDEZ.
7:17 PM — Well, this is weird to be watching the post-infomercial punditry on CNN and MSNBC, when the actual thing hasn’t been on the teevee in this region of Earth.
7:18 PM — What does the long-delayed Bill Clinton-Barack Obama campaign event do, at this point? The PUMA/Hillary Loyalist story just didn’t go anywhere — thanks, Sarah Palin, for shooting the final moose in that coffin — and women have been leaning heavily to Barry because he’s so smart and dreamy. And Bill is still some kind of vaguely controversial figure, isn’t he? Also, has this rally happened yet? It must’ve … these are TAPED PROGRAMS on the CNN, oh noez!
7:22 PM — Yikes, 40,000+ people in this little sports arena tonight.
7:22 PM — So, CNN turned it down, the Dirty Barry money, so they could … eh who knows. Let’s read some blogs!
7:23 PM — Oh hey it is Nate Silver of FiveThirtyEight.com on the Keith Olbermann program. God, we’re just bored of everyone at this point, even the people we like.
7:27 PM — OH HEY THERE IS A NEW DAILY VIAGRA FROM CIALIS! JUST COLD GO ‘ROUND WITH WOOD, who cares, nobody has a job anymore.
7:34 PM — What the hell is happening on CNN? Some lady is supposedly reading the news, headlines, etc. This woman starts breaking the story that scientists have proven women can wear red clothing and earn erections from men, without CIALIS maybe? And then Anderson Cooper, flustered and uncomfortable, says “Uh, Really?” And begins giggling. And then somebody starts SCREECHING IN PAIN from offstage, and Cooper says it’s John King, doing this sex screeching.
7:39 PM — McCain’s speech tonight: There are clips with Charlie Crist standing behind Walnuts, and Crist is pretty much rolling his eyes. That’s n-not ch-change we can believe in.
7:46 PM — By this time next week, Allah willing, the teevee will be back in the fucking garage where it belongs.
THE BARACK OBAMA TEEVEE SHOW IS NOW ON.
8:00 PM — That is a nice California Oval Office.
8:01 PM — This is shot just like that The West Wing.
8:01 PM — This is also weird.
8:02 PM — Ah, so that was just President of TeeVee Barack Obama introducing these sure-to-be tragic tales of Americans personally destroyed by cruelty (Bush/Cheney).
8:02 PM — Oh jesus christ they have empty snack shelves in the fridge, these people who seem like pretty solid middle-class people.
8:03 PM — Does the doors/windows background from the Denver stadium speech match this background? It is a good look, for your editor’s new library, once he becomes rich somehow, because of ….
8:05 PM — Because your editor meets Cindy McCain on the beach one blustery day, and she just cold drops a million-dollar bill, with John McCain’s picture on it, and somehow it is real currency.
8:06 PM — Oh goddammit now it is sad/proud people who are ripped off on their pension, in retirement.
8:08 PM — Just when we think the blues guitar soundtrack is kind of cheese-ball, it turns out it’s the actual guy, Larry, playing guitar in his living room while his sick wife smiles. Agh.
8:09 PM — Jesus fucking christ. He is 72 and going to work, at Wal-Mart. Their house looks about nine times’ nicer than any $650,000 $219,000 McMansion in Orange County — because they have taste.
8:12 PM — And now we can stop weeping miserably over the wreckage, and solemnly nod in agreement with the Rich Dude who runs the richest company, Google.
8:13 PM — Well, that was a soothing, grim 45 seconds. Back to the crushed Americans.
8:14 PM — Oh swell, the loyal teachers for the problem kids are working second jobs being personal teachers/babysitters for special-needs kids.
8:15 PM — Maybe Obama wins, or maybe everyone watching this just HANGS THEMSELVES, tonight, and John McCain is our new … oh god, this is not even funny to talk about, anymore.
8:17 PM — Your editors didn’t see the Denver acceptance speech on the teevee, as we were locked inside that actual insane stadium full of 80,000 people. Was it like this, on the teevee?
8:19 PM — HARRY POTTER BOOKS? Why is Barack Obama reading WITCHCRAFT to his smart, unpregnant daughters? Didn’t he know Sarah Palin is going to BAN this satanism, in the forms of books people read to their children?
8:21 PM — Ha, Obama questioned Condi Rice when she was becoming Secretary of State? Did Colin Powell feed him questions???? Through a clear Muslim earpiece?????
8:22 PM — Back to … ahgh, these grim stories of dignified people getting fucked forever. Ford, three generations of Ford workers.
8:24 PM — Oh, Barack Obama’s family actually had working jobs in the World Wars.
8:27 PM — And now the live part, which you can tell is live (or was live three time zones over) because he said “six days.” Otherwise, it fits, all but the background music, which was both TOO MUCH and probably highly effective.
8:29 PM — No Clinton! Just Barack and Biden. Well.
8:30 PM — Agh, sitcom ads, good-bye!
8:30 PM — Your editor will go make a drink.
8:55 PM — Oh look, MSNBC is showing the Midnight Rally … this is live! Clinton is kind of sitting there and he’s got this “Oh lord, this guy has it. I used to do this ….” But it’s pretty gracious, for a Bill Clinton appearance not about Bill Clinton!
8:56 PM — Obama’s “turn of the teevee, stop making your kids so dumb” is the kind of line that appeals to your editor very much, so it must not be very popular.
8:57 PM — “Kiss-a-me Florida.” Oh Charlie Crist!
8:58 PM/11:58 PM — Oh it is one of the puppets from “TEAM AMERICA” speaking live on MSNBC, in commentary. Let’s try CNN.
8:58 PM — Ahh, CNN has a rare story about black people being victims of violent crime … ahh, they are relatives of a Hollywood star.
8:59 PM — Chinese eggs will kill us now. Back to … ah, who knows.
9:00/Midnight — “Barack Obama is a bigger help to Bill Clinton, helping reestablish his legacy with black voters.”
OH MAN IT IS HARDBALL (but probably … yes, certainly … the one your Sara K. Smith already cried/menopaused to.