Here’s Major League superstar Fred McGriff asking you to shutup for thirty minutes and practice your baseball drills while Barack Obama is talking on the teevee about poverty and murder. Then come back at 8:30 for baseball, where the Phillies will beat the Tunafish. Or you could stay here and watch us liveblog. Who will be the poorest person? All of them, forever.
8:00 — It opens with a field of grain, like in Saving Private Ryan. Maybe we will get to see some blood ‘n’ guts after all, with naked people sexin’ to funk music and also a laughtrack.
8:01 — Obama’s talking to us, he says he will tell us stories about how people need welfare. A chorus of cherubs gently sings.
8:02 — Our first subject is a lady who has stick figures of her 19 children on the back of her blue minivan, which she probably can’t afford. She lives in Missouri, an important toss-up state.
8:03 — Yes, and she’s a MILF. So that’s out of the way.
8:04 — Rebecca, such is her name, looks like she’s got a pretty stocked refrigerator to me. What’s her fucking problem?
8:05 — She is shown whining about her pills while alternately screaming at one of her children, 8-year-old Trig, during one of his pee-wee football games. She is mean.
8:05 — She was “Hope”-less, until, one night, live on the teevee from Denver, she saw Barack Obama talking about McCain, the end. Good luck, Rebecca. GET A JOB.
8:06 — Barack explains his tax plan now and how it can help this gal with 20 children and a penchant for yelling at boys who play a game.
8:06 — He’s talking to a bunch of old people about nothing. Ted Strickland says Obama can help. Deval Patrick says Obama can help because he plagiarizes his speeches.
8:08 — Here’s #2, named Larry, who worked on railroads with the Chinese in 1880 until retiring. He is a black fellow just like Barack Obama’s dad. They live in a house.
8:09 — Larry decided, after he retired, to take out a home equity line on his home to pay for all of his medical bills. This is Common in America, Barack says.
8:10 — Now he has to work at Wal-Mart, which isn’t going so– oh nevermind, the end.
8:10 — Yay it’s Barack again! This is much better than watching the depressing poor guy and hot poor girl.
8:11 — Barack says he’ll pay for all sorts of new energy. Hmm, I don’t think Larry was complaining about energy much, douchebag.
8:11 — What is this, Jimmy Carter Obama Fraud over here is now telling us to conserve. Excuse me while I go to my car, turn it on, drive 50 miles, stop, pour some oil in a fish pond and then sit on a log and type on 20 computers at once that HE CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO, while sniffing propane.
8:13 — Oh and now he tells us we can’t have our Wars in Iraq anymore. Where does this guy get off? Can I have my DINNER tonight, at least, or do we need to “turn those off” too?
8:14 — Gal #3! Come on down, tell us about your poverty! How poor are you, mama?
8:15 — She is Hispanic and lives in New Mexico, so she doesn’t want to get deported, or something. Oh she’s buying food with Coupons! Oh that’s 99 cents, she should get that. Ah, nevermind, there’s some $20 fried Snickers bars, she’ll have those, Obama will pay her for this in January anyway.
8:16 — She says her life is so hard WAH WAH WAH, how will she ever escape thi– done, the end, back to Obama at the Broncos game.
8:17 — He’s now talking about how he’ll pay for your college on the condition that you die in Iraq first.
8:18 — “I’ll get you health care, buster,” he says. This guy sounds like a hot deal, HEHNGNN?
8:19 — Who will be the next poor Mexican black railroad worker in Ohio and Virginia who is dead from money cancer?
8:20 — Oh, just his dead mother, who has voted early for him thanks to Charlie Crist in Florida raising her from the dead to vote at midnight, last night.
8:21 — Oh there are his little children, who are not in any sense poor. Michelle says Barry read them the Harry Potter books because he is a Good Father. We’ll see if he regrets that when they’re muggle-masturbating goth Wiccans eating their own feces in their teenage years.
8:22 — Nevermind, the mother wasn’t the fourth Poor in his story. It’s Joe Biden.
8:22 — No — it’s Claire McCaskill.
8:22 — No — It’s Barack Obama. He is the fourth Poor in his own story.
8:23 — No, REALLY, It’s some guy named Mark, Louisville, lost job at factory, unemployment lines, can’t afford shit, THIS IS MOVING SO FAST, he wants to– THE END OBAMA SHOOTS A THREE POINTER.
8:24 — Obama says he had a friend who was recently sent to Iraq. His name was Joe the Plumber. Not really, he doesn’t actually know anyone who’s been in the military, ha.
8:25 — “John Adams,” the second president of the United States, endorses him. Nice!
8:26 — This is kind of a sad video, with black and white pictures. Still. Sara keeps telling me that she’s crying, what a pussy.
8:28 — Ah, more Obama! Now he’s in Florida giving a speech in an arena, a stump speech. Rebecca is seen in the crowd yelling at a pee wee football game.
8:29 — Change change change, the end, they go nuts in the crowd, epic music, Joe Biden,
8:29 — THE
8:30 — END.
8:30 — BYE.
8:31 — SARA’S TURN.
8:32 — No but it was a good video, from the bits I saw while not staring at my keyboard.
8:38 — Go HERE to argue about how many gallons of tears you shed. And don’t worry, Keith Olbermann will make you stop crying by being such a snide jackass.