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Here’s Major League superstar Fred McGriff asking you to shutup for thirty minutes and practice your baseball drills while Barack Obama is talking on the teevee about poverty and murder. Then come back at 8:30 for baseball, where the Phillies will beat the Tunafish. Or you could stay here and watch us liveblog. Who will be the poorest person? All of them, forever.

8:00 — It opens with a field of grain, like in Saving Private Ryan. Maybe we will get to see some blood ‘n’ guts after all, with naked people sexin’ to funk music and also a laughtrack.
8:01 — Obama’s talking to us, he says he will tell us stories about how people need welfare. A chorus of cherubs gently sings.
8:02 — Our first subject is a lady who has stick figures of her 19 children on the back of her blue minivan, which she probably can’t afford. She lives in Missouri, an important toss-up state.
8:03 — Yes, and she’s a MILF. So that’s out of the way.
8:04 — Rebecca, such is her name, looks like she’s got a pretty stocked refrigerator to me. What’s her fucking problem?
8:05 — She is shown whining about her pills while alternately screaming at one of her children, 8-year-old Trig, during one of his pee-wee football games. She is mean.
8:05 — She was “Hope”-less, until, one night, live on the teevee from Denver, she saw Barack Obama talking about McCain, the end. Good luck, Rebecca. GET A JOB.
8:06 — Barack explains his tax plan now and how it can help this gal with 20 children and a penchant for yelling at boys who play a game.
8:06 — He’s talking to a bunch of old people about nothing. Ted Strickland says Obama can help. Deval Patrick says Obama can help because he plagiarizes his speeches.
8:08 — Here’s #2, named Larry, who worked on railroads with the Chinese in 1880 until retiring. He is a black fellow just like Barack Obama’s dad. They live in a house.
8:09 — Larry decided, after he retired, to take out a home equity line on his home to pay for all of his medical bills. This is Common in America, Barack says.
8:10 — Now he has to work at Wal-Mart, which isn’t going so– oh nevermind, the end.
8:10 — Yay it’s Barack again! This is much better than watching the depressing poor guy and hot poor girl.
8:11 — Barack says he’ll pay for all sorts of new energy. Hmm, I don’t think Larry was complaining about energy much, douchebag.
8:11 — What is this, Jimmy Carter Obama Fraud over here is now telling us to conserve. Excuse me while I go to my car, turn it on, drive 50 miles, stop, pour some oil in a fish pond and then sit on a log and type on 20 computers at once that HE CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO, while sniffing propane.
8:13 — Oh and now he tells us we can’t have our Wars in Iraq anymore. Where does this guy get off? Can I have my DINNER tonight, at least, or do we need to “turn those off” too?
8:14 — Gal #3! Come on down, tell us about your poverty! How poor are you, mama?
8:15 — She is Hispanic and lives in New Mexico, so she doesn’t want to get deported, or something. Oh she’s buying food with Coupons! Oh that’s 99 cents, she should get that. Ah, nevermind, there’s some $20 fried Snickers bars, she’ll have those, Obama will pay her for this in January anyway.
8:16 — She says her life is so hard WAH WAH WAH, how will she ever escape thi– done, the end, back to Obama at the Broncos game.
8:17 — He’s now talking about how he’ll pay for your college on the condition that you die in Iraq first.
8:18 — “I’ll get you health care, buster,” he says. This guy sounds like a hot deal, HEHNGNN?
8:19 — Who will be the next poor Mexican black railroad worker in Ohio and Virginia who is dead from money cancer?
8:20 — Oh, just his dead mother, who has voted early for him thanks to Charlie Crist in Florida raising her from the dead to vote at midnight, last night.
8:21 — Oh there are his little children, who are not in any sense poor. Michelle says Barry read them the Harry Potter books because he is a Good Father. We’ll see if he regrets that when they’re muggle-masturbating goth Wiccans eating their own feces in their teenage years.
8:22 — Nevermind, the mother wasn’t the fourth Poor in his story. It’s Joe Biden.
8:22 — No — it’s Claire McCaskill.
8:22 — No — It’s Barack Obama. He is the fourth Poor in his own story.
8:23 — No, REALLY, It’s some guy named Mark, Louisville, lost job at factory, unemployment lines, can’t afford shit, THIS IS MOVING SO FAST, he wants to– THE END OBAMA SHOOTS A THREE POINTER.
8:24 — Obama says he had a friend who was recently sent to Iraq. His name was Joe the Plumber. Not really, he doesn’t actually know anyone who’s been in the military, ha.
8:25 — “John Adams,” the second president of the United States, endorses him. Nice!
8:26 — This is kind of a sad video, with black and white pictures. Still. Sara keeps telling me that she’s crying, what a pussy.
8:28 — Ah, more Obama! Now he’s in Florida giving a speech in an arena, a stump speech. Rebecca is seen in the crowd yelling at a pee wee football game.
8:29 — Change change change, the end, they go nuts in the crowd, epic music, Joe Biden,
8:29 — THE
8:30 — END.
8:30 — BYE.
8:31 — SARA’S TURN.
8:32 — No but it was a good video, from the bits I saw while not staring at my keyboard.
8:38 — Go HERE to argue about how many gallons of tears you shed. And don’t worry, Keith Olbermann will make you stop crying by being such a snide jackass.

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304 COMMENTS

  1. Can we just elect Obama to narrate things for the next 8 years? Even the Republicans can get behind that. He can be the new James Earl Jones!

  2. Oh this will be fun. So far, I’m enthrZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZz

    Whoops! What did I miss about this desperate housewife in MO?

  3. Ugh, if I wanted to watch inspirational stories about poor white bitter families, I’d watch that show with the gay carpenter where they built substandard homes for people with retarded kids.

  4. Where’s Barney Smith? Hopey should bring him back–so much more credible than that asshole fake plumber. BTW–What kind of loser fakes being a plumber? Why not a cowboy or a pirate? I mean, if you’re going to make up shit, why not make up cool shit?

  5. Notice that it’s filmed in HD, but not fullscreen so as to not be elitist and shit.
    You can’t rub people’s faces in the fact that their old-ass TV can’t see the whole picture

  6. Jim Newell (who doesn’t vote because he is an elitist optimist)…I am trying to watch this very serious teevee show but you keep making me pee my pants laughing. Stop.

  7. Energy independence? That’s 7 syllables – “Drill Baby Drill” is 5 and it will REALLY make us energy dependent just ask Sarah Palin except not for any specifics or else you’re an elitist sexist who thinks logic matters!

  8. Hope they aren’t putting solar panels in those schools and buildings in Seattle, because nothing says FAIL like expecting sunshine to power shit in Seattle!

  9. Larry Stuart is 72 and has to go sell shit at Walmart. McCain is 72. If McCain wants to keep working so badly can’t he just take Larry’s job? Then everyone is happy.

  10. [re=155134]nmmagayar[/re]: she heard that was how many pills Cindy Mac takes each day, and if it is good enough for a white woman, it was good enough for her

  11. wow, back-to-back shots of a pasty white guy with the last name “schmidt” talking about how obama is the bee’s knees, then tim kaine and his uncontrollable eyebrow saying … something … i don’t know, i was fixated on the eyebrow.

  12. Hey! Regular people need Barack too! You gonna talk about us? I was privately educated, have a good job, and want for nothing. What about me? I have needs, too!

  13. He should get Nate Silver on telling people his pretty models won’t work if they don’t go out and vote. Also, you’ll make his puppy dog eyes cry.

  14. This is kind of reminding me of the Katrina relief tv special minus the cool famous people. Kanye West would make this thing a whole lot more interesting right about now.

  15. OMFG OMFG HE READ ALL THE HARRY POTTERS TO HIS KID. I WANT RECORDINGS OF OBAMA READING HARRY POTTER FOR MY LIBERAL DOUCHETARD IPOD TOUCH.

  16. /Snark

    RULES so far…. nice touching stories with nice political celebs backing him up, with his own life story interwoven.

    I now return to my snark

  17. Rule.

    OMFG, he said he won’t be a perfect preznit? WTF?? That’s it, I’m calling up the election commission and taking my early vote back.

  18. Meanwhile, while you TV-owning elitists watch the infomercial, I’ll report from the hope-rally in Sunrise, FL: Obama is working himself into a fine fury about Wall Street greed and the politics of fear: “No more games, no more tactics to divide us against one another; the stakes are too high…” etc. Good stuff.

  19. My god, you would only have to change maybe two or three words from that speech (before the LIVE EVENT!) and it would be the awesomest wedding vow ever. Oh, Hopey–let’s do it! Let’s elope!

  20. Tell us about how the lady who created “Little Einstein” is now on Food Stamps and is selling her plasma to make payroll.
    The Bush years, good times, good times.

  21. [re=155249]Rodney Badger[/re]: HA HA!!! It must rule because I keep switching back to 538.com and states are turning magically blue right before my eyes.

  22. Bring it home, Barack. Florida (ah, Florida), make some calls, go to the Web site…. bring it home! This is nice. I’m thrilled. God bless AMERICAAAAAA

  23. All kidding aside this was well done. I think Hopey’s gamble will be paid. Hey if people tune in every week to watch that builder guy then they will buy this.

  24. Seriously, that was well done. Touching, hopeful, positive.
    That was very well produced. Nice to have Hollywood friends… of course that is how Johnny-Mac will attack it for that reason.. can’t attack the content.

    I am not worried that this will fuck up his campaign

  25. [re=155297]Lazy Media[/re]: I thought John Quincy Adams beat his dad out on that front. I mean, Andrew Jackson’s slogan in 1828 was “Adams can write, but Jackson can fight.”

    TEH MOAR U KNOWS.

  26. [re=155318]AlexTrebeksGirl[/re]: He looks like he is just as in love with Hopey as I am–can you blame a guy in love for being a little tongue-tied?

  27. [re=155300]Dreamer[/re]: Haha, if PBS-types ever got their way we would have had a Prez Adlai.
    And lots of other different ones since then too.

  28. When that old man put on the Wal Mart name tag, Obama just won Florida because that’s every old person’s single greatest fear. Gay grandchildren are preferable to riding out the clock at Wal Mart.

  29. You realize I’ve only experienced this infomercial via the “live blogging format” and listening to John Gibson on Fox ranting about the Khalid-Obama LA TIMES tape. How confusing!

    Did Obama Girl make it into the infomercial? Anyone?

  30. [re=155387]Basye[/re]: If “worth” is your standard, then invest in credit default swaps. The Greenspan free-marketers will be more than delighted to sell them to you.
    La-la-La, La-la-La.

  31. [re=155369]MISTAHCOUGHDROP[/re]: Ditto here. I was listening to NPR interview Ron Popeil.

    At least we had the sense of community, interacting with the other brave, and possibly inebriated Wonketteers.

    Except without the experience of seeing what they are seeing, I mean.

  32. I cried 50 millions of tears and because of my lack of discipline and foresight, I licked them up with my tongue and now my sodium levels are sky high!! Fuck You, Barack Obama, and all of your impoverished friends. If I land in the hospital with my crappy insurance, I will blame all of YOU, but also the FAILED BUSH POLICIES OF THE LAST EIGHT YEARS. Enjoy riding in that same cart of shit together, my friends.

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