Wonkette
Think of it as a prequel to America in 2009, 2010, 2011, 2012, 2013, 2014, 2015, 2016, and most of January 2017 — Barack Obama putting hope and nice stories about families and education on teevee, our network teevee! Tonight, we will get a hint of just what kind of vicious socialism and class warfare Mr. Terrorist plans to use as some kind of disease vector against our culture.
The liberal New York Times got a preview of Obama’s half-hour informercial, and here’s how they describe this horrorshow:
Jim Margolis, Mr. Obama’s senior advertising strategist, said the program would then go on to feature “the stories of four different Americans, or American families, and kind of what they’re confronting.”
He said the stories would highlight “the challenges people are facing and what we should do in terms of solutions.” He said Mr. Obama would also share the story of his mother, “who struggled through her bout with breast cancer and the difficulty she had with her insurance company, to help viewers understand why his health care reform program is what it is.”
Chilling.
Senator Obama may have his grand notions of “hope” and “health care” and “employment,” but here in the real America, we care about one thing: watching incredibly stupid, violent nonsense on the flat screen, night and day, while eating from three or four Domino’s pizza boxes all spread out on the floor around the couch.
We like to watch live or recorded video of cars racing in circles and occassionally crashing and killing the occupants, and 500-pound “football players” beating each other senseless in a rainstorm. We enjoy pornography of all kinds, and programs about the quick preparation of large quantities of cheap dessert items.
For drama, we must watch Arab-looking guys tortured to death by brave fascists, while liberal cities are nuked, so we can relive the “togetherness” of 9/11. For “upscale” drama, it can either be people having random sexual intercourse or people having drug overdoses or being shot or hacked to death. For comedy, we like to hear a recording of people laughing. And for news, it should either be about pit bulls mauling toddlers, high-speed chases, and “lifestyle” stories about tattoo removal or chlamydia.
But all of that is at risk, as this Obama character seizes our televisions with his dirty capitalist money, and makes us watch something about saving for retirement or learning to read or something. Elitist trash, all of it.
Obama Infomercial, a Closing Argument to the Everyman [NYT]
That picture is ridiculously fanciful. Who keeps apples in a bowl in today’s America?? Should be a bowl of doughnuts. The rest is accurate.
Ken, your hard drive must be huge..I mean, this cornucibia of images is impressive!
YOU FUCKING RULE, Ken Layne. This is what you get paid for. Sheer. Fucking. Wit.
Can I has Barry teevee?
“…here in the real America, we care about one thing: watching incredibly stupid, violent nonsense on the flat screen, night and day, while eating from three or four Domino’s pizza boxes all spread out on the floor around the couch.”
Tempered with Limitless Sex.
As you correctly point out, Ken, it’s important to those get pizzas from Domino’s so Tom Monaghan has more money to bomb abortion clinics. Cuz abortions are baaad.
You can’t fool the republicans. They know all of this breast cancer / insurance talk is just an excuse by the liberals to talk about breasts. Maybe even show them on TV where our youth may inadvertently see them. They aren’t fooled by these liberal tricks! First breast cancer, then evolution….it’s a slippery slope sort of thing. They aren’t having it!
hes going to eat non muslin children through the tv tonight.
we’re all rotting in hell. currently.
OMG, if Barry the libnig starts to bore us too much, will they pull him off the stage with a cane like they used to do at the Apollo?
Obama is seizing control of the Means of Broadcasting and redistributing it to the Proletariat! Obama is a Virtual Communist!!!!!!!11
Golly.
I Luvz Uz!
Where is the photo from? The singular form is “simulacrum” btw, you poststructuralist neocommies.
You could have a great career as a Fox News commentator, Ken, if this blogging thing falls through. It’s not like the average trog can tell the difference between the mind-numbing stupidity of Fox and the bitter, hate-fueled sarcasm that Fox can bring forth in the truly snarky of the world.
Don’t forget butchering the World Series, or “a very important baseball match,” as the BBC calls it. I’m so glad we seceded.
Oh, I get it. Like PBS, only better funded.
“we care about one thing: watching incredibly stupid, violent nonsense on the flat screen, night and day, while eating from three or four Domino’s pizza boxes all spread out on the floor around the couch.”
And DRINKING! I can’t believe Ken left that American past time out.
I am having Scritti Politti time right now. At 8:00, I will be having Barry time.
Ken you speak the truth. I obey. You are now my leader.
… waiting hours in long lines at grocery stores and actually paying for waiting there.
… acting on the energy “crisis” by adding another 300 horsepower to our 5,000 horsepower turbo tanks
… eating more than the entire continent of Africa eats in a year every thanksgiving
… wondering why our quality of life has gone down in the last 30 years and taking prescription drugs to cope.
… teaching our children to hate sex so that they go out on get pregnant instead.
… TOLERANCE!!!!1!
… believing that a Presidential candidate can be both MUSLIM AND SOCIALIST at the same time.
God kill us all…. oh wait we are also stupid enough to believe that he will…
FUCK!
where is the trucker hat with a halo over a number 3?
Slightly OT, but TPM is reporting that Walnuts is having to resort to robo-calls in freaking AZ! I’d type more but I’m too busy laughing.
It is horrible how those diabetic commericals frighten my family.
Glad to see the images from the NRA comic book are back on wonkette with a vengeance. I can only imagine the fun the former “sequential art” majors at SCAD had drawing up these beautiful images of suburban fear porn.
I only want to feel better about things after watching tv if its at the expense of other’s misfortune; preferably because they’ve been nightsticked and arrested by physically abusive cop. Stop making me feel better just because, Barry.
Dear Wonkette,
Congratulations on your synopsis of the present state of American television. It must have been hard translating it from the original seventies-era Swedish.
At any rate, courtesy of Andrew Sullivan, I’m defecting to a new blog, (non-commercial), namely one authored by two 80+ y.o women who do not seem to realize how cool they are.
A sample:
“What the hell was that all about? Joe the Plumber? Joe Six Pack? The new McCain strategy seems to be banking on a lot of guys named Joe with a beer in one hand and a pipe wrench in the other. Is this a political campaign or a dating service for the Palin women?”
More at: http://margaretandhelen.wordpress.com/
fatherfigure: The photo is a prime example of Robot Dick - specifically, an audio-animatronic head of author Philip K. Dick, created for reasons which are a little fuzzy to me. Then again, maybe I know all about it and the knowlege has been walled off inside my memory by my paranoid alter-ego.
I’m feeling more and more that there are actually a decent number of people (considering Barry’s poll numbers) who would like to watch a program that is enlightening, informative, and socially responsible. This belief is incredibly refreshing, and it fills me with a sense of brother and sisterhood that lifts my spirit.
Oh who am I kidding? Bring on the carnage, tits, and gluttony!!! USA! USA! USA!
During the first 15 minutes, Barry “Big Brother” Obama will announce that we are now at war with EastAsia, and that the capture of Osama Goldstein is imminent.
We face four years of InSoc — on all three channels.
I’ll let William Gibson take over on this one (about the average American television viewer):
“Which is best visualized as a vicious, lazy, profoundly ignorant, perpetually hungry organism craving the warm god-flesh of the anointed. Personally I like to imagine something the size of a baby hippo, the color of a week-old boiled potato, that lives by itself, in the dark, in a double-wide on the outskirts of Topeka. It’s covered with eyes and it sweats constantly. The sweat runs into those eyes and makes them sting. It has no mouth, Laney, no genitals, and can only express its mute extremes of murderous rage and infantile desire by changing the channels on a universal remote. Or by voting in presidential elections.”
freakishlystrong: sexual innuendo, yes?
this is how it begins! all our precious shows are slowly but surely going to be changed to something unspeakable.
from Nov. 5 on, all Nascar drivers will be black.
Monday Night Football will be replaced by Fellini and Bergman films.
say hello to: Arabian Idol!
Fox’s license will be revoked and that channel will carry Pravda.
Dora and Diego will be … hell, that’s pretty bad already.
Hagee Ministries will be replaced by a live cam in a Frisco bath house.
i reading about the 30 min secret communist ad and some left this comment dead serious.
Palin will bring down Putin and save us all.
I’m in the tank for him, but this ad-buy makes no sense.
Is Barry O’Bama so out of touch with the average American that he thinks he can talk to him/her for half an hour?
The average American has the attention span of a fruit-fly, for Chrissake!
How dare we be taken to higher ground? Who do we think we are, to tolerate being uplifted? There’s no place for us in this town! Lynch us! Oh, wait…
Anyone who can spell failure using three letters get a smelly sticker.
Margolis added that for the duration of the program, Mr. Obama “will be entombed in an underground plastic box underneath a 3-ton waterfilled tank” in an apparent homage to David Blaine.
Members of the media, of course, will already be in the tank for him.
Somewhere is heaven, Ken, Yul Brenner cries lonely and forgotten.
The D: Those ladies rock
This show will, of course, be in cartoon format, yes? Like “Family Guy” with frequent and loud nonsensical musical interludes? Because a non-cartoon Hopey might make America mopey.
I think the entire point of this is for Barry to bore the everloving shiat out of most Americans, thus proving that he will not turn the White House into a pyramid or forcibly impregnate our daughters.
I’ll be watching Jeeves & Wooster reruns. It’s hilarious; it’s got that guy from House!
keepinitrealyo: I mean, who DOESN’T love Robot Dick?
Certainly Maura…
this ad should have strippers, lasers, and ????????????????
Hopey should have sold commercials inside his infomercial. Potential candidates: The Syrian Chamber of Commerce, Bob’s Abortion Hut and Emporium, BET, Domino’s and Mad Dog. MMMM, Mad Dog.
God I loved that NRA comic book.
palmerdawg: GOP
You unlock this door with the key of hope. Beyond it is another dimension - a dimension of healthcare, a dimension of prosperity, a dimension of peace. You’re moving into a land of both shadow and substance, of things and ideas. You’ve just crossed over into the Hopey Zone.
Worlds End: Probably from a helicopter with a hunting rifle. That’s the way she kills all bears, american or Russian.
Don’t forget ultimate fighting. And tits. And air fresheners.
and Viva Viagra!
magic titty: Si’! I’m attracted to smarts(asses)!
Lascaux: you are in a happy place.
“The Dutch, whilst an admirable people in many respects and reknowned for their domestic hygeiene, are not considered up to the first mark in matters of argentine craftsmanship.”
Anyone know where I can watch this hilarity on the interwebs?
I hope Walnuts has his Sharpie and legal pad ready.
The D: Thanks muchly. You struck gold. Socialist of you to pass it around like that for free.
Will Barack be shirtless? I’ll watch if Barack is shirtless.
Ken, your hard drive must be huge.
And you know what they say about men with huge hard drives.
Sadly, the poor people who sold their televisions to survive will be unable to hear about all the hope they can look forward to.
@ El Bombastico:
I have a bowl of apples! But, of course, I live in the fanciful and terrible socialist enclave of California. Those apples represent the good America of Joe the Plumber but I just watch them rot and then I laugh and laugh.
Gopherit: I was hoping the guy was joking, sadly he was not
Anyone see that dick of a douche Delay on Tweetie? Marxist indeed; however at least Barry hasn’t been indicted. Sheesh!
If Obama starts in on the “helping retirees” and the “feeding poor kids” and the “peace with honor” crapola, I swear I’m going to throw something semi-hard at the TV that makes it thump real loud and almost breaks it. I hate when politicians act like Americans really go for that stuff.
Naked Bunny with a Whip: Naked, I meant “CPU”…(cock puffed up?)
Worlds End: Oh my Gawd there is no way that person was serious… if they were I’m gathering a lynch mob.
Oh. My. God.
God DAMMIT I can’t believe I actually thought that SNL skit this weekend spoofing the Obama variety show was funny. Now I read this and I feel kind of duped… yet grateful. Scared… then exhilarated.
El Bombastico: Plastic apples from Pottery Barn. You know, seasonal decorations.
shortsshortsshorts: Nope dead serious, he also said Reagan was the best president ever. I say get the torches!
Goddammit, I’m at work tonight till too late and don’t have access to a teevee. Is any radio station carrying this? As much as it would upset me to have to miss the violent insanity that is the Hardcore Sigel and Norris Explosion Hour, I’d like to catch a Half-Hour of Hope.
Oh my God, Ken made a Baudrillard reference in the picture mouse over! Now i KNOW he’s an elitist.
Dave J.: I am no longer in the tank if this is true. My vote was contingent on some kind of Earth Wind & Fire futuristic space pyramid action.
p.s. and if I had a daughter, it would have been an honour to send her to the emperor’s harem.
Tonight Barry will be hosting Extreme Makeover: Nation Addition. At the end of the 1/2 hour, each of those people will receive a new house, a new body and citizenship to the country of their choosing.
Also, thanks in advance for the liveblog - I will be reading, but unable to comment, from my mobile…in my bunker.
Just thought i would post this. I for one welcome our new financial overlords.
http://www.acus.org/new_atlanticist/sneak-preview-future-who-makes-new-rules
IT”S JSUT LIKE THE RUSSIAN COMMIE TEEVEE!!!1!
TAKE ME TO YOUR MUSLIN LEADER…SO WE’S CAN NEGOSHIATE!!!1!
8:00PM - Obama
8:30PM - World Series
11:30PM - CHECK HIS BIRTH RECORDS INFOMERCIAL
OMFG! They aren’t starting the World Series game with the national anthem but with God Bless America. Hopey has killed the national anthem–Phase I on the muslin takeover has begun.
loquaciousmusic: I think you’re listening to Cocteau Twins…
Ken! You’re seriously starting to damage my calm…
Hrm. Did the Obama channel on the Dish Network just air The Big O’s special early? I flipped it on to see if I could catch the infomercial on EST here in the reddest of the red states, and it looked like the end of the infomercial (same background from the clip on CNN. Now they’re just showing short commercials, like the economic plan one that Colbert talked about during his bit on the channel. Actually, I think they’re showing Michelle’s convention video now. Wacky.
El Bombastico: Another fictional element: of the two, it’s the woman who’s holding the remote control. Like, as if. Truly.
Holy crap. Andrew Sullivan is a cyborg.
slappypaddy: Smelly sticker for you! anywho!
hmm, inspired by the speech from Network by Howard Beale, Ken?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MTN3s2iVKKI
The D: OMG I love it! I hope it’s real!
Robbertjan: My favorite movie ever
Deepthroat: Not Deepthroat?