You Maniacs! You blew it up! Ah, damn you! God damn you all to hell!Stocks may be up or down another 900 points right now, who knows — but they are very much down in general, like 35% down. And houses, they are worth nine dollars each, in KFC coupons, yet there are no takers. All the car manufacturers are shutting down, forever, and soon gasoline will be 45 cents a gallon again, and nobody will want some. Are Americans buying anything these days? Yes, they are buying millions of guns, for the coming race war.

“Tampa Bay Gun Sales Rise Before Election,” says a Florida paper. “Gun Sales Up In Texas,” reports the teevee news in Brownsville. “Politics and the economy drive gun sales,” says WKYC in Ohio. “Gun Sales Thriving In Uncertain Times,” the Washington Post reports.

So, guns for everyone!

What’s driving this 10% sales increase for the firearms industry when all other forms of business are collapsing? The experts say it’s due to conservative fear that the Obama Administration will toughen national gun laws, in a bizarre attempt to lower the insane violence and nonstop murder that pretty much defines America.

Others are worried about the New Civil War. “Gun purchases have also been climbing because of the worsening economy, which fuels fears of crime and civil disorder, industry sources and specialists said.”

And still others fear that Sarah Palin is going to illegally ride a snowmobile through all of America’s national parks, beginning the night of November 4, on a mission to murder all Obama voters with her moose gun. She will be the Santa Claus from Russian-Socialist Ice Hell, going house to house and leaving nothing but carnage. Her first victim will be John McCain.

But seriously, go buy your guns this weekend. If you don’t end up needing the weapons and 50 boxes of ammo to protect your loved ones from the mobs of meth-crazed hillbillies wandering the suburbs looking for brains to eat, you’ll need them for the enraged blacks who look for revenge after Whitey steals the election from Obama.

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  • FreshCliches

    With apologies to Sly Stone, Don’t You Know That There’s Gonna Be A Riot Goin’ On?

  • lampadadog

    I will need more guns and ammo to protect the stockpile of canned soup that Wonkette already made me purchase.

  • boyhowdy

    In related news, my Kevlar Home Siding sales are skyrocketing!

  • Gopherit

    See, those of us in Arizona are once again way ahead of the curve on an issue of importance. We have more guns than people here.

  • Special Agent Jack Mehoff

    Ken, your hobopolcalyse fantasies are starting to get serious. Get yourself ckecked out. We can’t have you losing your head when it goes down!

  • WadISay

    Similarly, if McCain is elected, I’m stocking up on lattes and endive.

  • 4tehlulz

    >>you’ll need them for the enraged blacks who look for revenge after Whitey steals the election from Obama.

    This is unclear; should I be using the guns against the enraged blacks, or should I be handing the guns out to them?

  • Worlds End

    This cant be good

  • rambone

    I think of guns as an investment. $200 for a gun can easily be parlayed into thousands if you know which liquor stores to knock over.

  • jinmoom

    More economic crisis = more Bitters

  • JeffGoldblum

    [re=154269]4tehlulz[/re]: You just fire blindly in all directions, that’s how a race war works.

  • WestEdEd

    Also, under Obama, the loin cloth replaces the business suit

  • Meth Lab for Cutie

    they can take my cat food when they pry my cold dead fingers from the can.

  • NoWireHangers
  • Ken Layne

    [re=154269]4tehlulz[/re]: Both! That’s why you need so many.

  • The Pumpernickel

    It makes sense, considering if McCain wins we’ll progress toward social anarchy. Who needs that Obama’s economic policy. That there’s socialism.

    Yeah, if that happens, I’m going to need a gun to protect my land. Or something.

  • NoWireHangers

    What about water, glue, and bedazzler guns? Those are more my kind of guns.

  • Ken Layne

    [re=154277]NoWireHangers[/re]: No dude. Think about it. Think about it.

  • magic titty

    Look where the gunz are being bought: Texas, Tampa, Ohio.

    That is all.

  • sanantonerose

    Burt Lancaster was waaay sexier than Charlton Heston ever dreamed of being!

  • TeddyS

    The National Rifle Association is secretly supporting Obama as part of a clever marketing campaign to keep gun sales going. Genius. And if That One wins, crazy angry white suburbanites will come charging out of their gate-guarded communities to impose their will on us all.

  • coolcatdaddy

    “Get off my lawn, you damn dirty apes!”

  • Worlds End

    [re=154261]lampadadog[/re]: dont forget fire

  • Scarab

    Maybe it’s for mass Red State suicides.
    After all, they can’t move to Canada with all that socialized medicine up there.

  • 4tehlulz

    [re=154273]JeffGoldblum[/re]: [re=154279]Ken Layne[/re]: So I need a gun that uses other guns as ammo for maximum efficiency. Shit. I wish I had more of a head start….

  • shortsshortsshorts

    There haven’t been enough drunken rednecks accidentally shooting family members recently (I ya there was that gun show incident). Accidental family shootings have always been an excellent source for thinning the herds of next-generation GOP wingnuts.

  • magic titty

    [re=154262]boyhowdy[/re]: Nice.

    Ok, now no more shirtless Charlton Heston.
    Please replace with this:

  • Worlds End

    [re=154277]NoWireHangers[/re]: A fucking flamethrower

  • Lorax

    “We gonna need more waxxxx!!!”

  • lampadadog

    [re=154291]Worlds End[/re]: When I remember where that last jar of cash is buried, I’ll dig it up and buy some more matches and kerosene.

  • TGY

    Haha! Always you with the Glock stocks.

  • SpecialHorse

    That picture is mesmerizing. I can’t stop looking.

  • Gopherit

    [re=154281]NoWireHangers[/re]: a Bedazzler gun? You’ll kill someone, but they’ll look fabulous?

  • frumious_bandersnatch

    Pfeh. That’s nothing compared to the 20% increase in sales of clingable religion. That stuff is through the roof!

  • Styrofoam Boots

    Pshh! I don’t need no fucking guns. I’ve been blasting Fear Of A Black Planet nonstop for the last 3 months. I’m ready.

  • NoWireHangers

    [re=154283]Ken Layne[/re]: Yeah yeah, Planet of the Apes, you blew it up, yadda yadda. I just like to heckle.

  • tiger

    Thankfully, i live in Manhattan where everyone already HAS a gun

  • tiger

    SpecialHorse: He is hot…

  • NoWireHangers

    [re=154302]Worlds End[/re]: Flame throwers are great for clearing dry brush around your house.

  • TGY

    Also, what’s that Charles is holding? An AK-1?

  • NoWireHangers

    [re=154308]Gopherit[/re]: You’d be surprised how you can jazz up a tired old outfit with the right rhinestones.

  • Worlds End

    In regard to the flamethrower this picture says it all.

  • totoro

    Basically all of those gun sales are to McCain staffers getting ready for their Tuesday night Mexican Standoff in Crystal City. $50 says Palin walks out with the severed forelegs of half a dozen flunkies and a smoking rifle.

  • PrairiePossum

    Is the loin cloth lined with Kevlar? Does it come with the rifle or is it a separate purchase? Does Neiman Marcus sell Kevlar lined loin cloths? Less than a week before election day and I haven’t even begun to stockpile booze and weapons.

  • Monkey

    I’m going to buy a water gun/bazooka, fill it with urine (yes, I am starting to save up already) and wine (cause those urine wine stains never come out) and use it to piss all over the McPain supporters on Nov. 5 as they drag their sorry asses to work in abject depression.


    Righty-O, Ken. I’ve canceled that Obama volunteer day this weekend and penciled in the visit to a West Virginia flea market. Semi-automatic rifle, here we come!

  • Giant Robot

    Shit, all my neighbors know I’m a socialist AND a pacifist. I’m screwed.


    [re=154269]4tehlulz[/re]: if they’re holding a DNC clipboard, arm them. Otherwise, case by case…

  • Outstando

    I really need someone to translate the chorus to Leonard Cohen’s The Partisan. That will tell us what we should do.

  • Tommy Says Soooo

    Hahaha, suck it, libtards! All your witty remarks will serve you naught, you gay copy editors, when the Nooge swings in wearing HIS loincloth to “repartee” your asses. Wango tango, lock and load, Sara K Smith will be the new Ms. Nugent/Mudflap gal.

    Oh, wait, chickenhawks always TALK a good game but stay away from areas where people fire back.

    Never mind.

  • PrairiePossum


    “Flame throwers are great for clearing dry brush around your house.”

    Or removing unwanted chest hair.

  • hedgehog

    So if the folks in Detroit burn down the city every time a sports team wins the World Series, what’s going to happen there when Obama wins the election? (Or if he loses?)

  • 3-legged Bloodhound

    Nice tits Chuck.

  • MrStauf

    Luckily I live in Utah, where even the college kids on campus are packing. If there was any great civil unrest Romney would approach from the East to rule over the Cave People, who he would then lead to conquer the Western United States until being beaten back by Ron Paul, who will save America in his blimp of terrible retribution and questionable grammar.

    …Romney’s cave people are ready.

  • Godot

    Wait, race war? Damn, I thought we were getting ready for class warfare! Can I still use the same gun?

  • Neon Trotsky

    With the great need for liquor in the coming days and ever-decreasing gas prices I think we all know the solution here: Molotovs for everyone!

  • ReelectTilden

    [re=154274]WestEdEd[/re]: I’ll never figure out business casual

  • nuckingfutz

    I can haz a AK-47? wOOt! Now I just need a helicopter to shoot shit from.

  • Elite_Princess

    [re=154267]WadISay[/re]: Oh my goodness, just in case McCain wins I might get me a few dozen morning-after pills, and hell, some condoms too. Because you KNOW birth control is going to be illegal…or at least put you on a watch list, just like buying copies of “Are you there, God? It’s me, Margaret”.

  • Gopherit


  • Rush

    Franchise opportunities – “Dick Cheney’s School of Gun Safety”.

  • Worlds End

    [re=154326]Giant Robot[/re]: The bitters will get us, just like the Night of Broken Glass, no lulz will be had to say the least.

  • sanantonerose

    [re=154301]magic titty[/re]: No no! Replace it with this one!

  • Kingbee

    To all: Please note that alcohol is the universal currency during societal collapse, and the empty bottles are the ideal target practice props, which you will need to sight in all of your guns.

  • nurple

    Gun idiots are such idiots. Like any half-competent American thug could disarm you before you could see it, and then juggle your eyes. Stick with civilization, its your only choice.

  • nurple


  • Tommy Says Soooo

    [re=154333]hedgehog[/re]: They will free Kwame and then float on his swollen body across the river to Windsor, Ontario, and burn that, since there is nothing worthwhile to burn in Detroit.

    The Canadians will politely thank them for taking the time to loot and pillage and still be able to remember to burn their treasured family mementoes.

  • Min

    [re=154351]nurple[/re]: People are idiots, in general.

  • Nikolai Vsevolodovich Stavrogin

    [re=154339]Godot[/re]: If only there was some statistical correlation between race and class in America!

  • AngryAtheist

    “chickenhawks always TALK a good game but stay away from areas where people fire back”

    Guns? Check.

    Ammo? Check.

    Lock and load.

    This liberal is ready for the post-election apocalypse…just sayin’

  • Senator Bateman

    “when they pry it from my cold, dead hands!”

  • AngryBlakGuy

    …Miami is already a war zone so I’m not worried about it getting any worse.

  • BruceLee5000

    [re=154318]TGY[/re]: Very nice. He’s OLD! How old IS HE?! He did his first target practice with an AK-1! RIMSHOT!

  • OffTheRecord

    Crap. I’m broke right now. All I have are torches and pitchforks? Will that work?

  • cal

    [re=154338]MrStauf[/re]: I for one welcome our new blimp-riding overlords.


  • Texan Bulldoggette

    Why is Pat Boone wearing a loin cloth?

  • Servo

    As a wise young man in Seattle told me, “These people need Dairy Queen.”

  • Neilist

    [re=154277]NoWireHangers[/re]: That’s not Heston’s basement/gun collection. It’s some retired General’s, according to Snopes.

    The guy had a major jones for the BAR (the rifles along the top of the walls). It looks like he had one of virtually every major model/modification.

  • S.Luggo

    I wan’t my own Death Star.

  • The Cold Sea

    [re=154367]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: For the same reason I’m wearing one: it feels good. It feels like….freedom.

  • Varchar

    Good thing lefties have the monopoly on tanks.

  • ConstitutionalRiots

    “»Freedom States Alliance Press Release: After 8-Year-Old Boy Shoots Self With Uzi Machine Gun, Advocates Demand Minimum Age Requirement for Machine Gun Use”

    Unbelievable. The GunGuys’ motto is “Where Everyone’s A Straight Shooter”. Apparently the little boy didn’t shoot his Israeli military Uzi straight, unless his own head was his target. This is sick and sad:

    “According to the Associated Press on Oct. 27th:
    WESTFIELD, Mass. An 8-year-old boy died after accidentally shooting himself in the head while firing an Uzi submachine gun under adult supervision at a gun fair.

    The boy lost control of the weapon while firing it Sunday at the Machine Gun Shoot and Firearms Expo at the Westfield Sportsman’s Club, police Lt. Lawrence Vallierpratte said.

    The boy, Christopher Bizilj of Ashford, Conn., was with a certified instructor and “was shooting the weapon down range when the force of the weapon made it travel up and back toward his head, where he suffered the injury,” a police statement said.

    Christopher died at Baystate Medical Center.

    Police said the boy’s father, Charles Bizilj, attended the event with his son. The father is the medical director of emergency medicine at Johnson Memorial Hospital, in Stafford Springs, Conn.

    Although police called it a “self-inflicted accidental shooting,” police and the Hampden district attorney’s office were investigating, officials said.

    The local newspaper, The Republican wrote:

    Witnesses told police the boy lost control of a fully automatic UZI he was shooting under the supervision of range officers at the club “when the self-inflicted accidental shooting occurred,” police said in a statement……..

    Asked to comment on the advisability of an 8-year-old shooting an automatic weapon, Bennett said, “Once we have more information on what happened and how it happened, we’ll be in a position to make public statements (on the incident).”

    Efforts to reach club officers for comment Sunday were unsuccessful.

    Witnesses said the boy “was shooting the weapon down range when the force of the weapon made it travel up and back toward his head, where he suffered the injury,” police said in the statement they released.

    He was conscious and lying on the ground at the shooting range with a wound to the right side of his head when police and emergency medical technicians arrived at the scene, police said.

    After first aid was administered, the youth, accompanied by his father, was taken to the hospital, police said.

    The size of UZIs vary. Police did not say which model of the weapon the boy was firing.

    The weapon was originally designed for use by the Israeli military.

    Ashford is about 29 miles east Hartford.

    The Westfield Sportsman’s Club, in association with COP Firearms & Training of Amherst, was conducting a machine gun shoot and firearms exposition this weekend, according to its promotional material for the event.

    The advertisement includes the information that, “You will be accompanied to the firing line with a Certified Instructor to guide you.”

    Attendees under the age of 16 were admitted free, and free .22-caliber pistol and rifle shooting for adults and kids was offered, according to the promotional material.

    More: Massachusetts, Connecticut, kids & guns, machine guns”

  • Q2

    [re=154355]Min[/re]: People are people, idiots are idiots, and guns scare some folks. Frankly, people scare me…and that’s why I have guns. But that which is the most scarilicious for me is considering the idiots who own guns, but have no training on how to operate them. When the shit hits the fan it is these neighbors who will panic, grab their guns, and who will the most dangerous. Armed, amateur, panicky, and stupid. Someone’s gonna get hurt.

  • ivenson

    [re=154271]rambone[/re]: “$200 for a gun can easily be parlayed into thousands if you know which liquor stores to knock over.” Spend a little more and get a better gun. Think of it like tires…you don’t buy them that often, but you’ll appreciate the little things, like the slide not pinching that web of skin between your thumb and forefinger.

    [re=154312]Styrofoam Boots[/re]: “I’ve been blasting Fear Of A Black Planet nonstop for the last 3 months. I’m ready.”

    Yes…today, we are all S1W’s.

  • renttoowncoitus

    America: Locked, cocked and ready to rock. But then Happiness is a warm gun.

  • TeddyS

    Hey, you thuggy Democrap Obamaist! I’m going to go get my gun and load it and come back here into my living room, and then I dare you to do that break-in thing again, only slower. Hey, gimme back my gun!

  • NoWireHangers

    [re=154369]Neilist[/re]: You are correct. I like to believe it’s the basement Chuck would have wanted…

  • Worlds End

    [re=154376]ConstitutionalRiots[/re]: That makes so fucking angry words don’t describe it!

  • Styrofoam Boots

    [re=154379]ivenson[/re]: I’m just sayin’ if anyone is going to help lead The Revolution—it’ll be Chuck D. I just hope, for my sake, they let us whiteys in.

  • AnnieGetYourFun

    [re=154309]frumious_bandersnatch[/re]: You are teh awesomez.

  • forgracie

    I’ll just cling to my one gun….

  • masterdebater

    With all of the increase in gun sales, the really worry here is, do we have enough ammo to go around? One more thing we will probably have to buy from some mid-east country I bet.

  • TGY

    [re=154370]S.Luggo[/re]: Hm, no, we know what happens to Empires that depend on technological terror instead of relying on good, old-fashioned, choking-to-death-with-psychokinesis.


    Well, maybe a *small* Deathstar. Perhaps a Scrofulastar.

  • slappypaddy

    Yee-haw. Yee-haw yee-haw yee-haw. Gaze upon us in envy and awe, dear brethren of the world, from self-satisfied Europe clear around to Mela, Micro, and Polynesia, for we are your children, your tired, your poor, your retching refuse puking on the floors. We are America, the shining city sliding down the hill, filled with the ignorant and the addled, scared shitless and armed to the teeth. Fat as cattle going to market, we feast on apocalypsticked pig, washed down with fizzy sugar water, and pass our time enraptured by the audio-visual while we await a greater Rapture, the gift to us and the world from our psychotic God.

    And don’t forget, we have stealth bombers and nucular weapons, too.

    Don’t you wanna be jess like us?

  • 3-legged Bloodhound

    [re=154376]ConstitutionalRiots[/re]: I’m sure after this horrible incident the boy’s parents will limit their surviving children’s gun use to sem-automatic only.

  • JamesMichaelCurley
  • GollyGeeWilly

    Are you telling me my Wham-O slingshot is not outdated? Damn that progress train!!
    Damn you straight to hell!!!!

  • lawrenceofthedesert

    Two common criticisms of Americans by Europeans is that we are “a cowboy culture” and “a mongrel society.” Both have some merit, e.g. the gun mania, but the Europeans, who are genetically incapable of improvisation except for gypsies, can’t see the positives (Obama and productivity, even when the job is a mother).

  • Rush

    You live in America with the weapons you have, not the weapons you need.

  • Rusty Shackleford

    Do love guns count? ‘Cuz mine’s cocked and fully loaded!

  • Servo

    Ah, the memories of high-velocity crabapples.

  • 3-legged Bloodhound

    “What tribe is this so sunk in itself that it dreams in a night gone crazy.” – Ken Kesey

  • magic titty

    [re=154451]3-legged Bloodhound[/re]: Nice. Cuckoo’s, ..Great Notion, or Sailor’s Song??

  • PrairiePossum


    Can I get that on a bumper sticker?

  • Outstando

    [re=154339]Godot[/re]: Just make sure your ammo can penetrate folded wads of cash.

  • Outstando

    [re=154363]OffTheRecord[/re]: Should scare the bejeezus out of McCain. Also, the pillory.

  • elcapitan

    Jesus Christ, Ken, real Americans call them snow MACHINES.

  • nurple

    Gawd. Most Americans can’t even change their own oil, yet we allow them own heavy weapons without intensive training? My Dad once saw a Colt 45 go haywire at a gun show and take a guy’s head off, and these were people who knew what they were doing.

  • Truculent

    I got a coupon in the mail from Smith & Wesson (Really). So how could I not buy one? I had a coupon!

  • Neilist

    Hey, the kid reportedly was using a MINI-Uzi, not a full-size model.

    Gesh, you act like the instructor was acting irresponsibly or something.

    Actually, the Mini would be harder for an eight year old to control. It fires the same 9mm round as the full size model, but is less mass to absorb some of the recoil.

    That’s why I recommend starting eight year olds with a MAC-10. A higher rate of fire, sure. But it’s only the 9mm Kurtz/.380 auto round, which most grade school kids can handle with ease.

  • nurple

    They can have my gub when they pry it…

  • Neilist

    [re=154433]lawrenceofthedesert[/re]: “Gun Mania”: The desire felt by German Jews, gypises, gays, etc., between 1933-1945 for firearms?

    Anyway, just as long as we’re not arming the Negros . . . or worse, the Irish.

  • natoslug

    [re=154519]nurple[/re]: That’s why it’s best to be liquored up before handling a firearm — helps you relax (and you don’t have to feel so bad when you shoot your friends in the head because technically you weren’t responsible).

    On another note, I love America more than the rest of you, so suck it!

  • glamourdammerung

    This is absolutely hilarious to see upon coming home from looking at buying a rifle.

  • slappypaddy

    [re=154472]PrairiePossum[/re]: Sure, if you can get that on a bumper sticker.

  • Lazy Media

    Anybody want to buy some of my guns? I have this huge ol’ collection, and I don’t play with it as much since I got back from a year in Iraq, for some reason.

    You can definitely have my Enfield .303 bolt-action rifle (good for rampaging moose or muslins) for a low, low price. And I could probably let my 9mm Walther P38 go.

  • hedgehog

    So gun sales are up … now we wait for the stories about more people going to church and showing antipathy for people who aren’t like them … Obama really does have his finger on the pulse of the country!

    Cling, cling, cling!

  • Fly-over Correspondent

    [re=154262]boyhowdy[/re]: Kevlar siding — that’s brilliant!!! (checks GoDaddy for availability of

  • palmerdawg

    I am stocking up on “ensure”, those fucking whipper snapper!

  • palmerdawg

    and ” depends”

  • palmerdawg

    and that glue McDirtydiaper and Cindy the cunt use on their teeth.

  • tootsieroll

    [re=154376]ConstitutionalRiots[/re]: That was just the most horrible fucking thing ever, and believe me, the blogs at the Boston Globe were filled with NRA gun nuts dismissing it waving the 2nd amendment flag. The father is a fucking ER doctor. SRSLY!@

  • ChuckWood

    I gotta protect the natural resources growing in pants! Hiyyyyoooo! Yes!

  • 3-legged Bloodhound

    [re=154471]magic titty[/re]: Not sure – it was excerpted in an excellent book by Daniel Kozlovsky called “An Ecological and Evolutionary Ethic.”

  • 3-legged Bloodhound

    Another eloquent gem from that same book:
    “I have all these wonderful things
    to give to you if you will
    to sing me a song about how
    everything was before
    this world stuck its fat ass
    in the window and shit
    all over the table.”

    D.R. Wagner

  • schvitzatura

    Heston, with his sporterized/apecofucked M1 carbine…damned dirty, cosmoline covered, yet marvelous apes!

  • schvitzatura

    [re=154605]Lazy Media[/re]: Or for capping a Kaliist Thugee or two…we must recover the Shakara Stones!

  • Sleepyhead

    If only there was some way I could stockpile abortions, just in case.

  • plowman

    IDIOTS! Buy AMMO, that’s what the Left will try to ban next (along with any firearm that looks ‘military’)!! “Lead poisoning, ‘cop killer’ bullets, 1000 meter lethal range” etc will be the mantra to ban just about every type of ammo out there, it’s worth the sacrife ‘for the children’, all the AK47s in the world are worthless without bullets… STOCK UP AT THE END OF DAYS SALE!!!

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