Wonkette
Tomorrow night at 8pm on the teevee Barack Obama will give a LIVE Ginsu Knife demonstration and then show how Proactiv cleared up his terrible pustulent acne so that he could be president. That is his “closing argument!” BUT! You poor slobs who only get the ABC on your televisions will be out of luck, because ABC programming goons dicked around too long to accept Obama’s offer of a gazillion dollars in exchange for 30 minutes of air time. Too bad for you. For the rest of the nation, your Wonkette editors will helpfully liveblog whatever the hell is on ABC, some show about dead people?, while the Hopey hawks his cheap “change ‘n’ Marxism” Bedazzler on every other channel ever invented.
Ha ha, did none of that make any sense? That’s because THIS is the real story:
ABC finally offered Barack Obama’s camp the 8 p.m. half-hour in its Wednesday lineup for his campaign-related program — which will air at that time on the other major broadcast networks.
But, in an ironic twist, the Democratic presidential candidate’s campaign passed on ABC’s offer, saying it has allocated the funds elsewhere.
“We were in discussion with the Obama campaign and had offered them the half-hour, but at this point that’s not happening and ‘Pushing Daisies’ will air in its regular time slot,” an ABC spokesman told The TV Column yesterday.
You snooze you lose, ABC! When Oprah Winfrey becomes Chief Secretary of the Ministry of Socialist Television Propaganda under Permanent Diktator Hussein “Barack” Obama, you will show nothing but reruns of Small Wonder, all day long.
ABC Jumps Too Late On Obama’s ‘Buy’ [Washington Post]
ABC u l8r
I’m holding out to see the programming block he buys on the Spice network. I hear it’s called “Barack my body”
Dear god, not small wonder!!!
Ha ha, I will be watching critically acclaimed “Pushing Daisies”, which is about… Jesus resurrecting Lazarus, right?
I’m hoping for a live 30 minutes sex show, Black Cock/White Trash, starring Barry O-Face Obama and Sedated Sindy McWalnuts.
Wow. Apparently, ineptitude has infected even the highest ranks of the news media. Almost frightening, but at the same time gives me some hope I might make it after all. Interesting.
http://plightofthepumpernickel.blogspot.com
But if I’m over 70 and my dial is broken on my TV and stuck on ABC, how will I know when to kneel toward Mecca?
I hope whatever he’s selling is made from some sort of citrus.
Presidency, with the POWER OF ORANGES
That’s not “an ironic twist”, Washington Post, that’s a flat out “F*** Off”.
Pushing Daisies is John McCain’s 30-minute commercial, right?
…Barry is going to try and sell us all “Sham-Wow!”s.
In related news, ABC has announced that it will accept the McCain campaign’s request for them to air Red Dawn during the timeslot followed by a live broadcast of Sarah Palin chanting “Obama is a commie,” for a full 15 minutes.
Why is that an ironic twist? I am not seeing irony here.
Lionel Hutz Esq.: Click your heels three times and ask for guidance from the Unicorn Shark watching over us all. He will guide you.
spencer: hah!!
sk1win: me too, blacks on blondes and if putin rears his ugly head ya never know what might happen
I’m starting to think the Kool Aid of choice around here is Negro.
Listen you crazy Obamaniacs. I’ve been reading conservative blogs non-stop for two years and I don’t need some stinking infomercial to tell me what’s what. Here’s the lowdown for you libruls stuck in hive mentality: B. Hussein Obama is a terrorist-socialist-muslim-arab-black-muslim and that’s all I need to know.
Now I’m gonna go vote for that handsome, charming, young, bright, eloquent, thoughtful, forward-thinking guy Ronald Reagan.
Kev-O-Tron out.
Not to be outdone, the Military Channel is airing a new cut of The Deer Hunter, with Meryl Streep in specs taking out the deer as Walnuts plays Russian roulette in the Hanoi Hilton. Brought to you by Wilford Brimley’s Truss Incorporated.
This infomercial of Hope makes me nervous. At this point everything makes me nervous because this election has pushed into Ashley Todd levels of paranoia, but whatever. I am afraid he is going to magically piss off a hundred million Americans by screwing with their TV. I don’t know. I am freaking out. I need to go stare at the pretty blue map on fivethirtyeight for a while.
Kev-O-Tron: you spelled muslin wrong 2x
wow. that is pretty epic. the WORLD SERIES is going to postpone the first pitch for this guy? Major League Baseball is in the tank for Obama.
sk1win: I think that would be reversed. Barry would have to be sedated for that.
AngryBlakGuy: He can only talk for thirty minutes “because we can’t do this all day.” I am powerless to the ShamWoW. Hopey should seriously consider having that headset guy do this program for him.
Kev-O-Tron: What we need is the Great Communicator. Barry’s infomercial will just be laundry list of initiatives for the creation of the Muslim States of America.
Tiffany Brissette, who played Vicki the Robot on “Small Wonder” attended a Bible college, Westmont College, and her last appearance on the teevee was on the 700 Club. Sounds like a perfect match for those who don’t want to watch Barry doin’ his thing. Pretty savvy, ABC.
AngryBlakGuy: I assumed that Extenze stuff for enlarging that “certain part of the male anatomy” (my ego?) Maybe a package deal for Extenze and then ShamWow for dealing with the ramifications of the Extenze?
Speckle wins!
ABC will fill this time slot with one of the following:
“America’s Funniest Videos - Hunting Edition”
“Extreme Makeover - Trailer Edition”
“Wife Swap - Todd Palin and Cindy McCain”
Reruns of “The Love Boat” and “Fantasy Island”
Kev-O-Tron: Win!
I predict ABC’s next poll will show Walnuts up 20% in New York.
Look at Obama in that picture, all suave and cool.
What’s he thinking about?
I’m pretty sure, he’s thinking about me.
(takes a sip of wine, lights cig, blows smoke ring into the air. then vacuums the living room because dammit, who ate cheerios in here again?)
and whats wrong with “small wonder” you elitist punks.
Barry, leave the Ross Perot-like pie charts/easels at home. You can see how well they worked for Ross.
That’s OK, only theatre-loving ladies like me (and a few gay gentlemen) watch Pushing Daisies, so we’ll be able to TiVo it while we watch Hopey live — Real Americans don’t go in for that sort of thing. Everybody wins!
Isn’t “Pushing Daisies” that after-school special where Obama drives Jessica Tandy to Popeye’s?
He’s going to announce that he’s moving to Crawford.
spencer: YAY for you!
Am I the only one who’s nervous about this infomercial?? Hopey better pull this off.
He’s a Muslin, a Muslin in a cheap suit. It’ll be 30 minutes of Muslin mind control. Messing with the fabric of our society.
I’d like to see ABC fill its schedule with reruns of ‘Soap’ as John McCain is based on the character Burt from that show.
Fuck. Hopey’s forcing ANOTHER delay of game! Maybe there’s something to all that “anti-American” shtuff after all.
rambone: …and then you could use some “OxyClean” to get the stains out of the “ShamWow!”
Deepthroat: the World Series is F’ed up. Sunday, there was a rain delay, so the game didn’t start until 10:30 and ended after 1 am. They stopped the game in the 6th last night because of rain and now cannot resume tonight because of rain, so they have a 2/3-played Game 5 waiting to be finished, and then might need a Game 6. I doubt anyone is watching at this point. This is what )_&&*%%&$^ baseball gets for expanding the teams so much we are still playing f’ing baseball in the height of football season. It is almost November! Jeebus.
Ahem. Sorry. baseball geek rant.
Today, we are all ABC.
OffTheRecord: I’m understand yours and Dreamers concern about the infomercial. However, to date this campaign has been the most efficient and intelligent run in our lifetimes. I’m giving the David’s the benefit of the doubt on tomorrow nights broadcast and sleeping easy tonight.
I’m gonna TiVo Springer. Sarah’s on again. It’s the one where she admits Todd is actually her son and Bristol is her little sister. All hell breaks loose, and there’s some hitting… it’s a classic.
“What, you say you can get along without TV as long as you have BEER? Weellll…”
sk1win: Yeah, I was worried before his acceptance speech in Denver, and he assuaged all my fears there. He is going to be fine.
Dreamer: I’d be a little nervous, just for the sake of show. We don’t want those conservatives to think we’re measuring the drapes or anything.
Given how disciplined the campaign has been, they wouldn’t be doing it if they didn’t know what they were doing. (Ack — Caribou Barbie moment there.) I think it will be okay. I am looking forward to receiving a new president in 1 week, and a sham-wow in 3-6.
You laugh, but some 10 years ago I lived in an area where ABC (the American one) was about the only channel I could pick up (didn’t have cable at the time).
spencer: Beat me to it, you marvelous ape.
please live blog “pushing daisies”. it’s in the national interest.
robanybody: *bows*
Dreamer: A bridge too far? I’m nervous too.
Haha. Nice job moderating that debate, Stephie and Charlie. Good thing that didn’t come back to bite you in the ass! Oh wait…
sk1win: I have known nothing but epic democratic fail my entire life. I refuse to believe that Hopey has this thing locked up until he is in the oval office, W. is safely deposited in Paraguay, someone has set McCain adrift on the ice flow, and Palin is back to doing whatever it was she did before she decided to ruin my life.
Pushing Daisies rules. Maybe they’ll get a ratings bump because of this.
Clearly the Washington Post style guide pushes the Alanis Morissette definition of “ironic”.
Taking a step back for perspective, the question of broader historical import is, will the Hopey and Joe Show garner a greater market share than The Beatles on Ed Sullivan? If so, the number of fat white chicks who get backwards-B’s scraped onto their squirrelly cheeks should dip for those 30 minutes to a modern all-time low. Stay tuned.
I love me some Small Wonder! As long as it’s not a Harriet-heavy episode.
StrangelyBrown: thank you.
Given that none of the Palin/McCain crowd isn’t going to watch Hopey, ABC should counter programwith something that would appeals to them, like “Bass Fishing With Hand Grenades” or “Shit That Blew Up, Real Good.”
Cape Clod: “Shit That Blew Up, Real Good.”
Make that “Shit That Blowed Up Real Good.” The verb tense is third person rural.
zemblan: “Shit That Done Got Blowed Up”, in the south.
Oh, I’ve found out how McCain is going to counter program:
“McCain getting hammered on late-night TV”
http://biz.yahoo.com/ap/081028/tv_campaign_humor.html?.v=1re=152922zemblan/re:
zemblan: “Shit That Blowed Up Real Good” or “Wife Swap: Todd Palin and Cindy McCain” Now there’s some choices Amer’cuns can believe in! Y’all should be programmin’ execs at ABC
Oh, yeah I remember Small Wonder. There was something weird about her wasn’t there? That’s right! She wore that rediculously conservative dress to have been dressed by a man who makes lifesize dolls of little girls, not for profit.
After all those time Mickey Mouse registered to vote and Obama still won’t give ABC the money.
Now that’s ingratitude.
spencer: Winniest win-win of today’s internet!
Some shows you just don’t move for the next President…and Eli Stone is one of those shows.
http://thesebastards.blogspot.com/
monty: He just might get a load of nut in his eyes
Yeah right, ABC’s in the tank……. the shit tank.
Major League Baseball is in the tank. But remember, the guys at 538.com also predicted that The Tampa Bay Rays would win. They are now down 2-1. Oh man… I don’t care about sports, but if 538 is off about baseball, what other variables are missing from the Barack equation?
OH MY GOD. Cindy McCain is totally Vicki from Small Wonder, all grown up!
That’s cuz ABC is in the tank for WALNUTS! I’ve been on their lame website all day long, after starting a very popular thread on there last night. They keep on poofing the thread off, but others keep on taking it’s place and so, well ABC is busy poofing them off too. Say one good thing about Hopey on there and you get a slap in the face from ABC. Fuck you, ABC. Go to hell and die!
larz: When you say “Wife Swap: Todd Palin and Cindy McCain”, who do you mean is the wife (or are both….yea baby, hot lezzie scene!)
I think 30-minutes of McCranky at the craps table, drinking Johnny Black would win him a lot of votes. And he should also bet with Snowbilly’s expensive clothes (she removes them as he gambles our future away).
Personally I think I’d be sickened by either on that ticket buttsnaked. Biden the other hand doesn’t act like a player, but he’s a player fur’sure
Phillies fans are in the tank.
Spackle Camshaft Palin: PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE let him do the whole presentation shouting in an Australian accent.
Democracy…SET IT AND FORGET IT!
robanybody: “It’ll be 30 minutes of Muslin mind control. Messing with the fabric of our society.”
Not sure I care for the cut of your jib, my good man. One can’t go about making up baseless accusations out of whole cloth.
I hope that it’s carried on CNN with those helpful little charts that show me what random bitter plumbers in Ohio think about what he’s saying…
It’s a good thing I’m in the tank already, because I’m terribly susceptible to infomercials. If I weren’t poor, I would have like 50 sham-wows soaking up all kinds of puddles right now. ‘Shit That Blew Up Real Good’ was better in the first couple seasons, anyway, so I’m not sorry to miss it.
OffTheRecord: Yes, Presidents Gore and Kerry advise taking nothing for granted this election. That is all.