nobody's cheeks are safe

Facial Branding Meme Takes Hold

She was just looking for an ATM...Oh look, here is an indie-pop songstress who was brutally attacked by BErack OKama, an avenging Halloween Marxist who wants to teach John McCain supporters “a lesson” by gently painting his initials onto their cheeks. Thanks to Pam for bringing this strange coincidence to our attention. [Ingrid Michaelson]

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Sara K. Smith was Wonkette's morning editor from 2008 to 2010, and now contributes a weekly (?!) column to Wonkette, to prove she still loves you all!

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44 comments

  1. mattbolt

    The penmanship of these mutilations is really getting better! First they were scrawling half-assed backwards scribbles, now a nice little serif font across both cheeks. Next, muslim communists from Pittsburgh will be slicing the words “Vote for Barack Obama in 2008″ across my entire body in a flowing freehand, using the tip of the shank like a fine calligraphy pen

  2. Neon Trotsky

    This is what you get instead of an “I voted” sticker if you vote Democratic. You become the branded property of “Barack ‘Engels’ Obama of Kenya”…

  3. mattbolt

    Ew, Ingrid whatever’s news page reads like a rambling teenage myspace, I don’t even need to watch the video, I can imagine the soft-spoken vocals and jaunty little acoustic guitar twaddle and longing stares beneath indie glasses

  4. Tommy Says Soooo

    I dig indie songwriter chicks. They cry if you forget to pass them the salt or laugh at Sylvia Plath.

    But if you catch them in their experimental phase and they have a hot girlfriend, she will blame the sangria and you will have a Penthouse Forum letter.

  5. Yaybuls

    [re=152115]mattbolt[/re]:

    :) I’ve never heard a better description of those insipid indie-pop chicks… but goddammit I wish I wasn’t so madly in love with that kind of girl :(

  6. CorkPopper

    Surprised nobody mentioned Samantha Bee’s facial branding from the Daily Show last night. Attacked by a scary old white man on the floor of the NYSE, who blackened her eye and carved a backward “G” on her face. He was apparently driven crazy by the shocking revelation that given free reign, people in the financial industry will behave in stupid greedy ways that bring down the global financial system, go figure.

  7. polyscientist

    If you look at the first initials together and then look at the second initials together, you may find, like I found, that this is obviously a message intended for Senator Kennedy from Senator Obama. God bless the girl, I say.

  8. dano

    [re=152115]mattbolt[/re]: I watched her video, and boy oh boy were you close on this one. The only difference between your description and the video was that she plays a ukulele instead of an acoustic guitar. It seems the ukulele is the latest hipster singer songwriter flavor of the month.

  9. Darehead

    There’s a lot of possibilities with this new facial branding thing. Wonkette, how much will you pay me to carve W-O-N-K-E-T-T-E across my face?

  10. One Yield Regular

    Aha! So Ashley Todd’s attacker was actually an Ingrid Michaelson fan, and just got scared off before he could add the “E” and the “OK.” SHAME on the mainstream media for jumping to conclusions!

  11. Serolf Divad

    [re=152137]dano[/re]:

    I like the Van Halen version better… I think they called it “Could this be Magic?”

  12. Spackle Camshaft Palin

    [re=152109]mattbolt[/re]: I think the next step has to be that torture machine from “The Penal Colony.”

  13. Come here a minute

    The lovely Ingrid was “Knocked Out” by the lyric beauty of E.B. White — “Some Pig!”

  14. dano

    [re=152147]Serolf Divad[/re]: “…Lonely ships upon the water, better save the women and children firrrrrst”

  15. chaste everywhere

    What’s the big deal? I had “John G raped and murdered my wife” tattooed on my chest eight years ago and nobody raises an eyebrow anymore.

  16. Serolf Divad

    [re=152153]dano[/re]:

    I have a sneaky suspicion than any two songs played on a ukelele will sound like the same song with different lyrics.

  17. masterdebater

    Well, personally, I would just like to thank the young lady for the comforting thought. You know, before they give her back her meds.

  18. Giant Robot

    Seriously… can’t we agree to let the wingnuts have facial tattoos? It seems fair. Rational, sane people get the white house, congress, senate and the internets – they can have mullets, face tattoos and AM radio.

  19. Kingbee

    [re=152196]Serolf Divad[/re]: You’ll have more opportunity to prove that for sure. The ukelele is the preferred instrument of Hawaiian unicorns.

  20. Neilist

    I’d say I suspect an unspecified “angry black guy” again, but I don’t think he’s from Oaklahoma (OK).

    :::Ducking:::

    And I don’t think a lot of people from Oaklaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahoma know the alphabet all the way up to “O” in the first instance.

  21. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    [re=152137]dano[/re]: Is the ukulele the current hipster douche bag instrument of choice? I was at a music store the other day, and they had “We have plenty of ukuleles” on their sign. I thought they were being ironic, as I could not figure out why anyone would care.

  22. villageatrois

    So, OK, Sara, why do I have a “W” carved in my face? There was this pretty, older white gal, outside the ATM. I was surprised at how fast it all happened. She had me down and seemed ecstatic, while all my thought-processes were crowded out by exploding starbursts in the area of her mouth. And then, as she was shouting “JEE-slurp-US huff huff slurp”, her eyes must have landed on my Obama sticker.

    She was pierced, uhh, down there. Good penmanship, for an older gal. Good, but painful, penmanship.

    Don’t believe me? Ask any of the guys in line behind me. All the ones with “W”‘s on their faces.

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