Wonkette
My stars, what a fun Wonkette Weekend we are having! We decided to start posting everyday through the election after you people kept e-mailing us about how we are lazy. Well fine, you’ve got your weekend “phunnies,” lunatics, and it comes at the expense of Jesus sending us to Hell for working on a Sunday, so, um, yeah, there’s that, right? Not that any of you Muslims would understand. HA, we joke, we love posting (??) so much that we will now take a thorough look at the state of the Electoral Map for the first time in a while, for those of you who get off on incomprehensible math-porn.
Up top, that’s your Pollster.com map (definitely look at the FiveThirtyEight map, where the reds and blues are a bit sharper defined), which today has taken the insane step of labeling Georgia, motherfucking GEORGIA, as a toss-up state — even after Obama moved most of his personnel out of there a couple of months ago. Eh, we doubt this, because it is GEORGIA. Besides, it doesn’t really matter: if Obama wins Georgia, that means he’s already won North Carolina, which means he’s already won Virginia, which he doesn’t even need to win the election.
And just assume McCain will win Montana and the Dakotas too because, again, WTF?/who cares.
So all McCain needs to win among the competitive races is Georgia, North Dakota, South Dakota, Nevada, Missouri, Indiana, Ohio, North Carolina, Florida, and either Pennsylvania or Virginia+Colorado or Virginia+New Mexico+New Hampshire GAHHH SO MUCH IS NECESSARY, BRAIN EXPLOSION!!!!E;FMLKWEKFMWE$$$$Wqdscnm.
After assessing all of this, John McCain decided to campaign in Iowa today.
Oh look, new poll: ahead by four in Arizona.
Since McCain has no money whatsoever, he’s decided to concentrate most of his efforts on the one-state solution — Pennsylvania — to the aforementioned “either-or” scenario, while schlepping out his daughter and Sarah Palin to Virginia, New Hampshire, etc. The “real Virginians” of course find some appeal in Palin, so that’s logical, but complicating her efforts there are various McCain brothers and surrogates constantly mocking entire regions of the state as “communist” or “populated with fake humans” or tying up the state’s emergency phone lines to complain about traffic while barking expletives.
Pennsylvania should be retardedly easy for McCain, as nothing fatal like a “complete voter rush to Obama” has happened there over the last month:
Indeed, he’s got the pwecious little junior senator from Illinois right where he wants him — WITHIN DOUBLE DIGITS. And just wait until those Pennsylvanians hear about the REAL Barack Obama!
Oy. Why would McCain go “all in” for Pennsylvania, where he is losing by a margin greater than the entire populations of Montana, North Dakota and South Dakota combined? This will be a hard task to pull off in one week, human logic tells us. Good lord, John Murtha just INSULTED the entire Western half of his state as “racist” and “backwards” several times in very public interviews, and all that did was shave Obama’s state lead from ~13 percentage points to ~12.78.
Hmm… maybe if Obama and Governor Ed Rendell give 20 interviews calling all Pennsylvanians, their families, and their Pennsylvania ancestors “homeless stupid fags,” maybe then McCain could get this thing down to ~10.11 points.
Alas, absent any major shocks to the system, McCain’s best hope is that a couple million resolved Obama voters wake up on Election Day and say to themselves “Whoa hey I actually do hate those awful Negroes, come to think of it.” Many political reporters and pundits love to entertain this exact scenario as a legitimate possibility.
[Pollster]
According to your “map” there have been 2008 presidential elections…
Jim, as long as you, Ken and Sara are willing to talk us down for nine more days, we will forever be grateful. There is no bummer tent in this election, so we cling to our Wonkette!
That graph looks like Mark Foley’s butt plug.
Go to Pollster.com
Click on that little US map in the lower right corner.
It shows the national trend lines for all of 2008.
These last two/three weeks are thrilling.
What about the Russian troops in GEORGIA? Will they throw the election to Socialist Obama by registering Putin and Medvedyev through ACORN?
WHY DOES THE MAINSTREAM MEDIA REFUSE TO COVER THIS STORY?!
We’ve got ‘em right where we want ‘em.
The GOP is pinning its hopes on latent racism? That sounds about right.
Also,
Indeed, he’s got the pwecious little junior senator from Illinois right where he wants him — WITHIN DOUBLE DIGITS. And just wait until those Pennsylvanians hear about the REAL Barack Obama!
What happens then? Hopey pushes his lead to triple digits?
Buy more crayons, cuz you’ll be drawing this thing 9 more times, or every time Walnuts re-invents his campaign persona between now and 11-4. Buy extra blue crayons, though.
Math porn is one of my top five favorite kinds of porn. My loins appreciate this post.
bcnjake: You’re right South Ossettia and Akazia are also missing from this map but OH NO! We are are Georgians so we’ve lost that to Putin already!
The problem is that all these American’s haven’t heard about the FIVE AND A HALF YEARS yet. I think that needs to be said at least every other sentence. He should also say he’s a war hero, he’s great, you are nothing, etc many more times. That’s how you win real votes
Ha!
Compare this map to electoral maps of ‘00 and ‘04, you will laugh, and laugh, and laugh. (Or alternately, suddenly need to make a trip to Costco/Sam’s club for a pallet of Kleenex to absorb your bitter tears.)
Maybe Murtha’s a genius. You think he might be able to shame those backward racist idiots into doing the right thing?
Jim, I’m afraid that Sister Truth wants to know why there is no BLACK in that map.
The blue clearly represents what the Hon. Elijah Mohammed labeled the “Blue-Eyed Devils,” i.e., the Oppressing European Caucasians.
The red clearly represents the Communists, who are controlled by “the Jews” who help the black man down.
The yellow clearly represents “the Asians,” the so-called “Model Minority” that is used to justify the oppression of the decendents of the victims of 400 years of discrimination.
The absence of BLACK
. . . proof positive that Wonkette is RACIST.
(I need to go lie down and take some meds. I seem to have come down with something.)
What I want to know is, why haven’t the makers of Risk jumped on the bandwagon to release a fivethirtyeight-branded version of the game?
Instead of armies, you get ‘volunteers’ and ‘donor moneys’ every round based on the number of ‘electoral votes’ you have in your column… if you can capture an entire region like New England or the Deep South, you get even more bonuses. Come on, there’s got to be a billion-dollar co-branding opportunity here.
According to the talking heads on teevee, McCain is concentrating on Iowa, PA, and Florida because they have a high percentage of old people in those states and they’re the easiest group of people to scare into voting for him with tales of how Obama will round up plumbers and send them to gulags while the rest of the country will be made to praise allah and have abortions, all to the strains of L’Internationale.
Does this mean that setting foot in Arizona becomes an automatic disqualifier for the presidency? Jesus, VERMONT has a better batting average.
Me and the missus will swim across the Chattahoochee and vote in Georgia, if that helps the cause. And we can take the tyke along. He sure likes peaches, so they might let him haul off and vote over younder.
What about Syria’s 75 electoral votes?
Actually, looks like Mac is only ahead by two in Arizona. I almost want the old fellow to win that one so he doesn’t take a loss too hard.
I can’t help it. I just remember McCain back in the old days when he wasn’t such a complete Rovian douche and he was my second favorite GOP member (after Satan).
You see that island off the east coast of Florida? The one that suspiciously looks EXACTLY LIKE a miniaturized version of America? I used The Google to look into it … and it turns out there IS NO SUCH ISLAND! What a SURPRISE that it’s supporting BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA! The Drudge Report says that ACORN created the landmass, then registered its governor (Micky Mouse) to vote for the MUSLIM!
PASS THIS ALONG TO AT LEAST TEN FRIENDS BEFORE NOVEMBER 4TH!
All of America is turning anti-American! Crazy.
Neilist: Your post is miscegenated.
Wonks Adventure: Wasn’t that the plot of Superman Returns?
It’s starting to look like Hopey would have to show up in Philly in a Terrel Owens jersey to screw up his PA lead.
That Pennsylvania trend map looks like an ice tongs, which I can use to grab ice cubes to marinate myself in bourbon. Anyone with a brain is a mortal enemy of the Ancient Mariner’s strategy at this point and if I’m not plastered I’m just playing into their hands.
Wonks Adventure: Dumbass, that’s our new 51st state, Syria.
It’s so nice of you all to post on weekends Is there any way you’ll do this all year? It’s very reassuring to know that our Wonketteers are still working while everyone else is caught in the whirlpool of a huge recession that threatens to drag the entire world down into the abyss.
SayItWithWookies: Walnuts lost the Syrian EV’s when we attacked 10 miles inside their border today.
rambone: He’ll win it. God doesn’t like me enough for him to lose there.
I’ve been to PA and (yes, I admit) canvassed for Barack. Most of the voters in Western PA would rather chop off their nether regions, watch cats and dogs get it on in the streets and Allah destroy the world before voting for the GOP.
Not that they love Barry, mind you.
They just hate Bush and co THAT MUCH.
In other news, these numbers are sending me into quivers and I think I might need a cold shower.
rambone: None of them deserve an ounce of pity until November fifth. Probably not even then, either, but I might consider it.
Wow dropped back down to 3.3%. What are the chance you think obama will win Arizona?
Chart pr0n makes me hot.
As a ghey librul Georgian *sigh*, I really do think GA will be an upset for Obama! Early voting has been crazy. Bob Barr will drain away 3-6% of the wingnut vote, including my mom’s, yay! Dad is voting McCain of course “cuz I cain’t a’vote for no muslin.” I’ll cut his brake-line on the fourth though, I’m ready for my inheritence. Also, Jim Martin may unseat Saxby Chambliss, who as you erudite citizens know ran a vicious smear campaign against ol’ one limb Max Cleland. If Martin wins I will have such a large orgasm that my glans will explode. Skeeeeet!
Worlds End: I’m not convinced the election won’t be stolen outright, mush less that Arizona will be won. I wouldn’t bet on any of it.
And now, as an encore to politicizing the Department of Justice, Chimpy asks the DoJ to carry out the political mission of suppressing votes. What is Congress going to do? Subpoena somebody? Write a stern letter?
WHEE! WEEKEND WONKETTE!!!!
This should be reassuring, but somehow I prefer to stay mildly drunk/xanaxed/valiumed/ambiened between now and November 5th. You think MoveOn will mind if I continue my phone banking in a Cindy McC state of consciousness? But please, by all means, keep posting these maps. The colors are pretty.
Proposed: If Obama carries Georgia, McCain has to re-enact the Ned Beatty Deliverance scene on national television.
The Night of Doom is nigh. Ye shall smite them.
http://tinyurl.com/5hbax2
Good point
That pollster graph of Pennsylvania makes me all excited because it looks like a cervix being prised open prior to an abortion. And I loves me an abortion.
If you Google “math porn”, this is really the best thing that you get, IMHO.
http://www.perpetualocean.com/amgallery8.html
cal: Amen. Now I won’t even leave my house on Saturday or Sunday!
I’m just sitting back enjoying that the majority of the Republican base can’t see the vast, glorious irony in the fact that, while their candidates are running on a platform condemning wasteful spending and lack of budgetary self control, their national committee is spending $150,000 on clothing weeks before they are forced to pull out of several battleground states due to lack of funds.
I mean, come on, you don’t get a much clearer representation of what might currently be the disconnect between your message and your actions than that!
Fiscal discipline isn’t just something that you talk about every 4 years, otherwise you forget how to walk the walk and you blow your entire budget on clothes for your new MILF.
How many paths can a man walk down
Before you call him the prez?
Yes, ‘n’ how many votes can Diebold steal
So that John becomes the MAN?
Yes, ‘n’ how many times must Sarah Palin lie
Before she’s forever banned?
The number, my friend, is nothing in the wind,
The number is nothing’ in the wind.
2druk2phluq: Youre right looks like more fraud adding up.
http://www.bradblog.com/?p=6559
http://www.bradblog.com/?p=6567
I’m still convinced that Pennsylvania will go for McCain. All of the white survivalists who don’t have phones haven’t been polled, so when the saunter out of the woods to vote, they’ll be sure to cast a vote for the white guy.
Hooray For Anything: And also when you gimmick their voting machines into recording the wrong vote, you can always blame it on old people not getting the hang of new technology.
C’mon, why would anyone in GA ever vote for a democrat agan after Billy Beer, etc.
04/11/08 - the day the white house gets painted black!
Wonks Adventure: Would it not be beautiful if the person in the Mickey costume at Disney World showed up in costume to vote?
Not to get overheated just yet, but WALNUTS might want to use this week as teh “legacy builder” since it should (puh-leeeze Gawd) be his last week on the national stage.
I didn’t complain, but you were being lazy. Lazy, lazy, lazy. Thanks for posting! Lovekthxbye
AnnieGetYourFun: Mebbe, but the urban areas (which now include a LOT of people) are solidly Obama, down to Richie Riches having Obama yard signs (which was unheard of in ‘00 and ‘04). I think it’s good to have Rendell at the wheel.
I’m going to print out this map and fold it into thirds, in the hope of seeing a hidden message a la the Mad Magazine - Al Jaffee fold-ins.
I think it’s going to be either a backwards B or an extrapolation of the Missouri Compromise [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Missouri_compromise]
Here was the one thing that could take Barry down (since he wins on the issues)
Rev. Wright.
But that didn’t happen for 2 reasons:
1. The admirable Rev. Wright threw himself under the bus. He went way WAY over the top, on purpose, giving Barry the moral legitimacy to disavow him - which, after the god damn america sermons came out, was necessary.
2. McCain refuses to make an issue of Wright. Why, because he’s honorable and respects the privacy of religious worship? HARDLY.
If the McCain campaign made an issue of Wright - which they would dearly love to do - it would open the issue of his choice of running mate, Sarah Palin. She is an unabashed (although recently covered-up) pentacostal fundamentalist. She believes the end-times will come in her lifetime. She believes the earth is less than 4000 years old. She has no incentive to care for the environment because, according to her religion, the end-times are near, there is no need to conserve the earth for future generations, and anyway, earthy rewards exist as rewards to those of her ilk who have “accepted Jesus”. Not so great for the rest of us!
Think about it. And tell your conservative friends.
smellyal8r: Bah. That reeks of hope. I prefer anticipating my despair. The last two presidential elections were such a shock to my system that I can’t deal with another.
Curses! Maps are in the tank!
AnnieGetYourFun: Keep despair alive.
joe the pXXXXXer had access to the internets and the hopeys hacked
it? thanks for sharing, ghouliani. it’s always good when a former
Federal prosector makes charges w/o any evidence.
http://blogs.abcnews.com/politicalpunch/2008/10/obama-responds.html
I kinda enjoyed getting the weekends off.
Marquis de Maude: Yea, Georgia will go for Obama! Like Iran has homosexuals. RIGHT! That’ll happen!
KevoTron: Georgia is @ 30 percent black. Normal voter turnout is 24-25 percent black. Current early voting is 35 percent black. If total turnout is 30 percent black, Obama and Martin both win. It’s looking pretty good right now.
I, for one, am very aroused
In related news, Strib endorses Bush’s buttboy Norm Coleman over Al Franken in MN Senate race. What is the world coming to?
PoliTacky: you mean this? http://www.pollster.com/blogs/polling_trends_in_2008_vs_04_a.php
KevoTron: I’m more pessimisstic than Arthur Schopenhauer but I am solidly convinced Obama will take GA. The black/youth were out in full force for early voting. I’m advanced voting at my University tommorrow and happlily anticipate long lines. I predict you’ll be eating crow about GA on election night. I’m here on the ground, you ain’t. So suck it.
Marquis de Maude: And Lordy Jesus, make Saxby Chambliss go away!
On another note, I’m glad Rev. Wright raised his head. Hussein can’t be TOO Muslin if he hangs out with infidels like Jerry W.
@War Eagle: I wish you guys could traverse the sewage filled Chattahoochee and vote over here in Muscogee Co. We need every vote to cancel out the tard bloc around these parts.
Well, it’s fairly obvious why he wants PA. There’s no early voting there. He figures he can scare up some dusty Klansmen and backwoods yokels to gravitate his way by Nov. 4th.
He knows uur fateful Hopey can’t lock in any votes with his current advantage in the polls.
Fun Fact: This weeks robocalls will feature NWA’s “Fuck Tha Police”.
Canvassed today in Pa burbs.
It was encouraging!
Darehead: Because the Strib is run by a bunch of spineless, weasel, bastards who are so worried about offending the religious right. They also have the worst columnist in the world in the person of Katherine Kersten.
Even the people I know in Western PA are voting Obama. All of them, the Republicans, the Independents, all of them. Chester County might be McCain, but Philly, Harrisburg, and Pittsburgh out number them, and I see Obama pins here [in Philly] constantly. People practically have their houses decorated with his signs, and we’re talking about the 500,000 houses.
That map doesn’t have any blingee at all. I can’t trust it. How can we know Obama is winning New Mexico unless it has blinking stars?
instead of red and blue, the map should show the Obama states as black and the McCain states as wrinkled and pasty.
Marquis de Maude:
Though I thought your post was funny–loved the “cut his brake line” part, I can’t actually laugh. That the crackers in Georgia can actually be considered a toss up makes an okie such as moi blind with jealous rage.
It’s like living in fucking Dust Bowlaska. Sweet Jesus, these okies are dumb hicks.
Scandalabra: Is it a Drudge Plug?
Fuck WALNUTS! And Cindy is a cunt. There; I said it.
I have personally been prostylitizing like a shermed out street preacher to the crackers here for months about how they’re better off under Obama yada yada, to mostly no avail. Thank Satan we’ve a a mess load of blacks who feel enfranchaised for the first time in, oh, ever? I didn’t think GA was in play ’til this week. You guys in Oklyhoma need to import some minorities, start registering those gawdamn jawb-stealing mexacans a al ACORN
Bill Kristol still thinks McWalnuts still has a good chance of turning things around, which of course means Obama by the biggest landslide since ‘64. It’s called the “Kristol is always so fucking wrong reasoning method”, and it applies to everything, including the weather.
McCain blew it when he dissed Paris Hilton early on. It didn’t work when he tried to get Cindy to go commando in a mini-skirt and have an “accident” where she was paparazzi’d getting out of a limo showing 60 year old coochie. I give him points for the effort, though.
facehead: so … we bombed syria so much that it landed in the atlantic and changed shape? that’s friggin awesome! USA! USA!
bhosp: either that or office space, i’m not sure which.
Itsjustme: waaaay ahead of ya on that one. and the best part is, i don’t need a separate costume for halloween! everyone wins!
Oklahoma doesn’t import… it inbreeds.
Neilist: We know you hate black people. We know you fantasize about boiling us alive. We know you hate Black women in particular. We know you’re planning to go to Chicago to assassinate Oprah, even though you’re telling people you’re going for the Obama acceptance speech. Clever you. We get it. Any black person who thinks you’re a racist moron is a crazy black nationalist. Got it. You and your fellow kkk-ers are going to have a lot of work stealing this election from Barack Obama so you need to give this rest. Now go iron your hood and SHUT UP!
As for the map; it ain’t over till the last chad falls. Bobby Kennedy Jr. and the Block The Vote Rolling Stone article have scared me to death. Neilist and her klan are going to try to steal this election and that beautiful map is going to be covered in our tears.
Here’s the article. http://www.rollingstone.com/politics/story/23638322/block_the_vote. There’s a video, too, in case you really want to get freaked out. Be careful. It’s upsetting.
hope not hate… ??
We all love the bonus wonkette… while you’re on the amphetamine-fueled twitchy work binge, can you maybe possibly think about deleting some boring comment(er)s? Somebody keeps posting some kind of chat room; if one is replying unfunnily to someone else’s comment cantcha just go there? This is turning into 1996 usenet.
Oh pea ess, the writing is better now, so if I had to choose between funny-policed-gawker-wonkette and comment-inanity-ken-wonkette, I’d still choose the latter… but still, I dream of a more perfect world to which I can nail glittering nutz.
Hey, it wasn’t me. Take a frickin’ break, already.
That last chart looks like a tweezer….. is this the right spelling?
It’s muslin, you moran.
The map of the country reminds me of the time i took some valium from Cindy. listen, i was up for a week. No wonder she was saying, see you when you come down in a week….. hmmmmmmmmm! Now i know why.
Neo-cons, jeezs, they do know how to par-tay
“Besides, it doesn’t really matter: if Obama wins Georgia, that means he’s already won North Carolina, which means he’s already won Virginia, which he doesn’t even need to win the election.”
It certainly matters to us here in Georgia, as it means Jim Martin would probably win the Senate seat too.
magic titty:
It’s deer season. Venison for the winter is much more important to the backwoods yokels.
loislane1939: Chester County is all Obama signs; Lancaster County, now, is another story — I saw nothing but McCain and, er, Nader out there. There were elderly wingnuts handing out anti-Obama ‘literature’ at my fancy Phillyburbs shopping mall yesterday, but at least very few people were stopping to take it. It was a very odd group of aging Jews and people with scary televangelist hair, together at last. (For the record, most of our local elderly Jews are for Obama; I’m presuming these left their meds back at the nursing home).
No one cares about California in all this–it’s been in the tank for O. since God was a suckling. Did want to report that in Oakland’s gang-blighted Fruitvale district’s Day of the Dead celebration yesterday, that Obama-stuff was everywhere, including a button I liked: “OBAMANOS!” The only room to walk around in was in front of the tragic tools trying to hand out Nader stickers.
SisterTruth: I understand your terror, but check this,
three paragraphs down:
“If this year’s race is as close as the past two elections, the GOP’s nationwide campaign could be large enough to determine the presidency in November.”
This, somehow, seems unlikely, given the above. And while we’ve heard about how New Mexico got pwned by the elephants in ‘04, they’ve got paper ballots this time
superfecta: Well, if you keep going, my family has their Obama signs up in York County. We only need to pull about 45% in those counties for a landslide.
Of course, tonight no one gives a shit here in Philly because of the Phuckin Phantastic Phillies!!! WOOO!!!. And the news cycle in the middle of the Commonwealth is dominated by 9-0 Penn State!!!! WOOOOO!!!
I’m rooting for the trifecta.
superfecta: BTW the Amish like repblicans, but none of them vote! HA HA HA!
funny article from 2004: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/5613947/
less funny mut more informative article from 2004: http://www.washingtonpost.com/ac2/wp-dyn/A35064-2004Dec29?language=printer
Roll Fish: Now that is some sexy sexy chart porn!
http://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2008/10/25/opinion/20081025_opart.html
I am obsessed. I can’t think of anything but the election and I actually in a state in which none of my votes for anything will count. Unbelievably, I have to spend the entire election day volunteering at a church dinner where I’ll have to pray for radio reception upstairs in a hidden room. On the other hand, I will have access to the sanctuary and communion rail and will take my breaks kneeling in front of the altar praying.
I’m terrified of what the letdown will be if we lose this. Sweet Jesus, how will I cope? (Not being profane, that’s a real prayer and the Almighty has to listen to me because I’M WORKING AT A FUCKING CHURCH DINNER ON ELECTION DAY!)
Marquis de Maude: Geez it was a fawking joke man.