Your Guide To America’s New War In Syria

  october surprise

'Syria ... shit, I'm still only in Syria ....'Finally, the October Surprise! (Ashley Todd’s cut-nut negroid fantasies were in no way worthy of the title.) We have a war, of sorts, in Syria! Who knows why or anything. It’s the Kissinger Doctrine all over again: Just bomb shit, everywhere, whenever you feel like it. Who’s gonna stop you, HEHNGHH?

  • It’s not on CNN or Fox or anything, yet. It’s our little secret for the next few minutes!
  • U.S. helicopters are raiding some village or villages near the Iraq border.
  • Seven or nine people have been killed, so far — maybe Syrians, maybe Barack Obama’s brothers from Kenya.
  • Ha’aretz describes it as a “helicopter-borne commando attack inside Syrian territory.”
  • Doctors in the town say five people are wounded, too.
  • The U.S. military command in Baghdad won’t say anything.
  • McCain should come waddling out shortly to hiss that this is “my destiny, HENGH HEHNGGH!” and demand Cheney turn over the nuclear codes NOW. Barack Obama will shake his head with dignity.
  • Jesus, let’s hope this is really the extent of the October Surprises.
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A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

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70 comments

  1. ManchuCandidate

    Baghdad… shit; I’m still only in Baghdad… Every time I think I’m gonna wake up back in the Desert. When I was home after my first tour, it was worse. I’d wake up and there’d be American Idol. I hardly said a word to my wife, until I said “yes” to a divorce. When I was here, I wanted to be there; when I was there, all I could think of was getting back into the desert. I’m here a week now… waiting for a mission… getting softer; every minute I stay in this room, I get weaker, and every minute Abullah squats in the sand, he gets stronger. Each time I looked around, the crazy moved in a little tighter.

  2. Eastcoast Elitist

    Wow. are you serious? Republicans will do anything to keep the white house. I cant believe they are actually doing this. This is pathetic.

  3. eatsshootsleaves

    MSNBC just took it off the breaking news. It doesn’t even get a headline anymore. It’s a tiny story that you have to click through to get to.

    …so maybe this is all BS and I don’t have to worry about us fighting THREE WARS AT ONCE?

  4. Hooray For Anything

    Hey, look, we once again attacked another country that had absolutely nothing to do with 9/11.

  5. Texan Bulldoggette

    [re=149407]eatsshootsleaves[/re]: Sorry, but MSNBC’s David Shuster is all over it. Holy crap….

  6. eatsshootsleaves

    I can’t believe Fox isn’t running with this, though… their biggest story right now is “Is Twitter a Terrorist Tool?”

    Maybe that’s the REAL October Surprise.

  7. kenanlipper

    Syriah, this is Laos, do you copy over. Come in Syriah, I have important information about your future.

  8. user-of-owls

    [re=149407]eatsshootsleaves[/re]: …so maybe this is all BS and I don’t have to worry about us fighting THREE WARS AT ONCE?

    Or maybe they realized that the banners won’t work anymore. Now we need a whole new section:

    US/World News
    Sports
    Business
    Wars We Started Today

  9. eatsshootsleaves

    Wait, though, how is this a big deal? We didn’t attack Syria; it’s an air-raid, right? Like we do in Pakistan? And it was on the border, so really it could be chalked up to border disputes.

  10. Nigerian Business Executive

    Am I cynical enough to think that this strike was ordered in order to give McCain a chance to highlight his supposed expertise in bellicose foreign relations? Yes. Yes, I am.

  11. Gopherit

    As I said in the other thread, with props to Stanley Kubrick:

    Everyone who runs is Al Qaeda. Everyone who stands still is well-disciplined Al Qaeda.

  12. Crow T. Robot

    Syria isn’t gonna do shit, other than write us a strongly worded letter (OK, and mebbe authorize the hijacking of an ocean liner or something).

    Now, does that mean we won’t launch more attacks in order to justify this one–no, it doesn’t.

    But luckily for the republicans, there should be just a bit of pressure from the middle east for the next week.

  13. Serolf Divad

    You want an October surprise? Here’s my scenario:

    Next Sunday at 6:00 pm, a heretofore unknown but very well funded 527 will trot out a pretty young, blonde girl who will say that Barack Obama raped her when she was working as a volunteer for his Senate campaign. The story will be carefully crafted so that it cannot easily or immediately be disproved. We will not be given specifics on the date or time of the alleged attack. More information will be promised “at a later date.” Fox News will run blanket coverage. Right-wing radio will run blanket coverage. The mainstream media will debate very loudly about whether or not to provide coverage. The net result will be a huge hit on Obama’s numbers, though likely not enough to lose him the presidency. It will be enough to keep the Senate at less than a 60 vote super-majority for the Dems.

    It will be another five or six weeks before the woman’s story completely falls apart, as she consistently refuses to provide any credible witnesses who she confided in at the time, as she fails to give a satisfactory answer to the question of why she never pressed charges, and as she continues to refuse to supply times and dates which can be checked against Obama’s travel and event schedules. The Right will continue to maintain the story was true throughout the rest of the Obama presidency, insisting that the girl was threatened into silence. Mother Jones and The Nation will run investigative stories showing a large number of Contributors to the 527 that produced this woman are also affiliated with the usual right-wing network of GOP allies, but no smoking gun will definitively link the story to the McCain campaign.

  14. eatsshootsleaves

    “We are in the process of investigating this,” Sgt Brooke Murphy, a US military spokesman, told the AFP news agency in Baghdad.

    Ok, so that sounds like it was a mistake, right?

  15. ManchuCandidate

    [re=149439]Serolf Divad[/re]:
    Of course you’re assuming that the RW is competent. Knowing their luck, a day later the “victim” will be found out to be a trannie hooker who went to high school with Sarah Palin.

  16. user-of-owls

    From BBC: It said that “American soldiers” who had emerged from helicopters “attacked a civilian building under construction and fired at workmen inside, causing eight deaths”.

    Wonder if any of them were plumbers, because that would be ironic in a sort of hate-filled bile-inducing sort of way.

  17. smellyal8r

    Simmer down all…MSNBC is back to “who’s Palin wearing today” stories and WE attacked the Syrian border, meaning we will be getting the nasty gram from the ambassador. Man…everyone kinda tense for a Sunday, no?

  18. rambone

    [re=149452]user-of-owls[/re]: None of this would have been necessary if those workers had refused to unionize.

    We take this no socialism stuff VERY seriously.

  19. smellyal8r

    [re=149439]Serolf Divad[/re]: Interesting. Not likely. Unfortunately (for them) everyone now expects that kind of bile late in the campaign. Actually, the Ds should run next weekend’s worth of national advertising with one minute ads stringing together EVERYTHING jamakane has said for the past 15 or so years with the closer: “Erratic? You be the judge”. Punch him so hard in the chest that he can’t respond and surrogates can no longer be found.

  20. Mara47

    Was it Syria that was all in a bother last week about copyrighting the name “hummus” for the pureed chickpea/tahini/olive oil delight? And we have THAT MUCH of a PROBLEM with that? Damn.

    Maybe it was Turkey. Or the PLO. I forget.

    You know, I was almost ready to buy into the idea that oil was worth fighting for, but I’m not ready to add olive oil to the list of spoils worth dying for.

  21. Palin-Plumber2012

    [re=149455]rambone[/re]: Haha, love the name, and the 11-year-old SNL sketch. Nevermind, it’s just a porno!

  22. Lazy Media

    Meh. The Syria-Iraq “border” is a fiction, just like most imaginary lines drawn in the sand. We prolly just blowed up another wedding party to stop their celebratory gunfire. It’s not like Syria can do anything about it.

  23. jagorev

    [re=149511]eatsshootsleaves[/re]: Yeah, MSNBC also killed the big headline… Even NPR, liberal terrorist haven that it is, is treating the story with velvet gloves – “Syria claims…” immediately followed by “sources tell us it was on the Iraqi side of the border”. This smells like absolutely furious damage control coming from Washington. The US media have been given their marching orders.

    By tomorrow, we will have always been at war with Syria.

  24. War Eagle

    Who can fear any super-power whose celebrity spokes-sergeant is named “Brooke”?

    Geez, we’ve got to find a better way of striking fear!

  25. DangerousLiberal

    [re=149399]ManchuCandidate[/re]: Except that McCain has been acting more like Kurtz lately than anyone else…..

  26. Servo

    Nice try, McCorpse and Million Dollar Hockey Mom. Nobody’s fooled this time except your Cheez-fer-brainz crusaders.

  27. ricky

    The American left at it’s ugliest and worst. Smearing the military and accusing it of murdering civilians. Utterly disgusting.

  28. War Eagle

    What kind of maroons do they take us for?

    The story was that “Americans are attacking SARAH.”

    [PS - In Australia, she's called 'Shiraz'.]

  29. Numbat Dundee

    The light on the road to Damascus was simply a phosphorus bomb. In any case, we had to invade Cambodia….whoops!

  30. Borat

    This is all about someone trying to help Nadir. You see Syrians control Lebanon, Nadir is from Lebanon. I don’t know if he is muzzie, but he has some obsession with cars. If he likes cars, he likes oil. Therefore bombing Syria will drive up oil prices even though they are not oil rich, they are near Iraq which has oil. Then, W’s oil buddies make more money, and we have another war and Nadir wins!!

  31. youngshay112

    [re=149426]Nigerian Business Executive[/re]: I join you in the cynic’s corner. Bush already cast his absentee ballot, so he had a bit of free time…

  32. facehead

    [re=149559]ricky[/re]: You’re not even responding to anyone, and I’m too bored to check every comment, but the one’s I saw said nothing like what you are suggesting. Why do you hate America?

    Someone ban Sister Ricky for trying to start a riot, failing, and being boring.

  33. Iaintgotnoname

    I’m skeptical because I really can’t see why the US would randomly attack a random building in Syria, and kill eight random people in that building. I’d want to actually see there being some reason for this having happened, or perhaps some sort of evidence that isn’t Syria complaining.

  34. slappypaddy

    Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck….

    What’s next? The Masters of War will stop at nothing to hold onto power that they don’t have a shit’s clue how to use effectively. If they were serious about staying in power, they’d just do a Reichstag, declare a temporary emergency, and—

    and then what? These clowns can’t do anything right. They’re like a six-year-old with a loaded pistol.

    Speaking of which… we’re all ready for whatever may come next, right? Where’s my binky, I can’t find my binky….

  35. glamourdammerung

    [re=149559]ricky[/re]: Kind of like how we were told that Abu Ghraib was a “smear” as well?

  36. irishdave3

    Apparently, The Deluded Coot misunderstood the Brand speech…or he thought God was suggesting Screech as ar4unning mate…”The Whore, The Whore”

  37. irishdave3

    Apparently, The Deluded Coot misunderstood the Brando speech…or he thought God was suggesting Screech as a running mate…”The Whore, The Whore”

  38. palmerdawg

    I spoke to Robert the other day ( Duval that is )and he had those freaking cards ( can i say fuck ), ok fucking cards, so i said Duvay baby, why are throwing them on the Mcnamatics campaign? He said, my friend there’re dead as disco.

  39. schvitzatura

    We are going to give these righteous people IR chemlights. They are going to set them up where the bad guys are, and mark them for the operator who are going to infiltrate the shit out of whatever’s marked. American Delta Force.

    Meesh sez hav beer, take it eezzee, vanilla faces!

  40. worrierqueen

    [re=149528]jagorev[/re]: “By tomorrow, we will have always been at war with Syria.”

    3 wars down, 198 to go.

  41. lampadadog

    Well, Iran should be feeling pretty safe right now, because surely we can only do three wars at a time.

Comments are closed.