Wonkette
- The most brilliant legal mind of our time is in court for the second time trying to prove that because a dry cleaners hung a sign that said “satisfaction guaranteed,” they were legally obligated to give him $54 million for a lost pair of pants. [Washington Post]
- The collapse of AIG is affecting your beloved Metro, which owes $400 million to various banks. [WTOP]
- Basically all employees of all government agencies have $700 billion of unpaid parking tickets that they refuse to pay. [DCist]
- Everything you thought you knew about the correct way to rob a bank is so wrong. Here is a list of all the mistakes you would have made. [DC Examiner]
- Room & Board, a yoga studio, and overrated recluse Dave Chappelle are all competing to open up businesses in an abandoned church. [City Paper]
Nice, way to piss off Chappelle. Now he’s gonna log into Warcraft with his rogue and gank us all.
What the fuck? The article on bank robberies doesn’t actually tell you how you CAN pull off a successful robbery, but rather three things that don’t work? FAIL.
These are tough economic times, and the people deserve answers.
overrated? have you seen his downward facing dog?
The very pants he was trying to return.
shortsshortsshorts: As long as you can resist the desire to mutilate their faces, robbing people at the ATM is the way to go.
bdevil02: hahaha
Metro, I would totally lend it to you if I had it, but I just don’t have it…
TwistedMister: Sussemilch: Seriously, knowing there is an overrated black comedian out there makes me want to revisit my support for Senator Obama, not because I am a racist, but because I suddenly feel I do not know enough about the Democratic nominee.
That bank robbing article was the most useless thing I’ve read since the time I read about a girl trying to turn an election by drawing a backwards B on her face.
bdevil: Win!
(I did that right?)
I think McCain lost his pants for about $54 million.
shortsshortsshorts: Bank robbery in 4 easy steps:
1. Become president of bank.
2. Take all its money.
3. Demand a bailout.
4. Retire.
natoslug: Ha ha.
That was the sh*ttiest guide to bank robbing myths imaginable. It was so bad, it was funny, like the journalist got some half-assed email from his aunt and he copied the first bit into the website and went, “There ya go. Friday’s work all done now.”
natoslug: Too perfect!!!
Yeah, that bank robbery thing pissed me off. I thought it was going to be like “most robbers write their notes to the teller like this, but what you should do is…”
I mean, I don’t want to rob a bank, but I always like interesting reading. FAIL!
I’vewheelie: I’ve been having some trouble with step 1, but with as much effort as I’ve put into the plan so far, I can’t quit now.
If anyone has a Twitter, this thing is still working and you can spam the hell out of their website.
Looks like I’ll have to go back to robbing banks with a pen. Oh wait, I don’t want to do that, there’s no money left in the banks anymore. All they have are reams of worthless CDOs. I wonder if Mr. Fancy-pants would accept those in lieu of $54 million. He could have $54 billion in CDOs and hang onto them until their worth more than ass-wipe, or until never, whichever comes first.
natoslug: See, don’t us bottom feeders regret not drafting banking corporations with arbitrary forecasts?
“SHORTSSHORTSSHORTS BANK Nos. FORECAST FOR 2008:
Growth expection: 8,000%
Current assets (est.): $80,000,000,000,000 USD
Customers: 1
Gimme my money, gubarmint.
slappypaddy: “they’re”
shortsshortsshorts: I’m still hoping to make a killing in the market with Radon futures. I’ve got a basement full of the stuff.