important announcements

So long, suckersBACHMANN TO ADDRESS NATION: Ah, this is a typical thing people do when they are UTTERLY FREAKING OUT about their entire careers: “Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-Minn.) has taped an advertisement apologizing for her televised comments calling Barack Obama anti-American, according to a Republican source familiar with her campaign’s decision.” It is still staggering that this one dingbat appearance on Hardball finally did the trick, after daily doses of such standard Bachmannia for the last two years. [Politico]

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Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

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94 comments

  1. Serolf Divad

    Well, it’s a good start and all, but I personally won’t be satisfied until she crawls up to Obama on her knees, washes his feet with her tears and dries them off with her hair.

  2. shortsshortsshorts

    “I meant what I said, but somehow my entire character, being as awful and terrible as I am, will somehow convince you that I didn’t mean what I said. I am truly a horrible fucking person.”

  3. Viva la Cynthia

    I completely expected most people (well, most Republican people) to ignore/tacitly agree with her batshitness, so I am very happy to be proven wrong.

  4. Serolf Divad

    [re=147484]Lascauxcaveman[/re]:

    Just make sure you wrap your rascal, because she’s über fertile.

  5. StripesAndPlaids

    Possible Headlines for tomorrow:

    “Bach-anal Fest: She is so screwed”
    “Bachman Turner Under Whelmed: The apology that fell flat”
    “Bach to the future: Michelled tries to turn back time”
    “Crazy Texas girl who has nothing to do with Michelle Bachmann lied”

  6. AnnieGetYourFun

    Doesn’t she know that someone else came to Earth 2000 years ago and apologized for everything that ever happened ever so we wouldn’t have to apologize anymore?

  7. nurple

    Don’t despair, Michelle. I’m sure there’s a Hallmark Store that could use a duster. Just please take something for the jitters.

  8. NoWireHangers

    Yeah, the voters won’t stand for this now, but the same assholes voted her into office in 2006. Let’s be real, Congresscrazy Bachmann totally could have gotten away with that “unamerican” horseshit in 2004. Those were dark days.

  9. bitchincamaro

    Srsly, how much GOP FAIL can a reasonable person absorb in one day before becoming callous and cynical?

    Oh, wait.

  10. Terry

    [re=147484]Lascauxcaveman[/re]:

    Honestly, you guys have TERRIBLE taste in women. Do you see the female Wonketteers lusting over Kristol?

  11. echoman2000

    it she must, at least make it cable access. like on comcast or something. the ether can’t handle any more of her particles flying around. her orbit has warped.

  12. Gopherit

    Why do we always lose our MILFy Conservatives before they hit prime crazy? Well, at least they keep making more.

  13. StripesAndPlaids

    [re=147509]bitchincamaro[/re]: It is kind of like a mini Coctober, except there is no sex. Just satisfying little bits and pieces of unadulterated joy.

  14. mdotsota

    [re=147500]StripesAndPlaids[/re]: You forgot “Bach-akke: Congresswoman Floods America With Her Apologies”

  15. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    My fellow Minnesotans, obviously I did not mean to say that Barack Obama is anti-American. Chris Mathews tricked me into saying that. All I meant to say is that he is uppity, and just wants to find loose shoes, tight pussy, and a warm place to shit.

  16. Tommy Says Soooo

    [re=147512]Terry[/re]: Hey, compare to some of the libtard trollops I’ve dated, that’s high living. Besides the female Wonketeers are lusting over Rachel Maddow…and you better believe we’re watching.

  17. OffTheRecord

    This is the single greatest day in the history of the world. Why must all of the glorious fail come at once?

  18. JoeFannyPack

    Is it just me or is the guy on the left in front of W checking out his erection and the guy on the right doing some serious stroking? That is quite a kiss and these guys aren’t used to seeing two people of the opposite sex with both of them being over the age of 10 doing such a thing.

  19. Tommy Says Soooo

    [re=147534]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: Win. We are the ones we’ve been waiting for. Though I could bear the tight shoes for t’other.

  20. Styrofoam Boots

    I heard Chris Matthews invited her back on the show so he could trick her into giving him fellatio.

  21. TeddyS

    MINNEAPOLIS — Congresswoman Michele Bachmann today apologized that Socialist idiots like Democrats did not understand her remarks about Barack Osama being disAmericanized. “I may be crazy but I am not the only Republican nutcase running for Congress,” she shouted. “The main stream media needs to back off and pick on somebody else. Like that guy in North Carolina. Go contribute to his opponent. Leave me alone, you unpatriotic traitors.”

  22. NoWireHangers

    [re=147542]OffTheRecord[/re]: Don’t you fret. There will be plenty more glorious fail for everyone to enjoy on November 4.

  23. PrairiePossum

    All the DNC has to do is run that picture of her smacking Bush. It doesn’t matter what apology she makes, she is finished.

  24. echoman2000

    [re=147534]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: maybe this all happened because she know’s in her jeezbus filled heart that her shoes are tight, her pussy’s loose, and she’s gonna be living DOWN BY THE RIVER with only cold places to shit.

  25. facehead

    [re=147525]Gopherit[/re]: You find her MILFYy? I admit that Sarah Palin erects my flagpole (wink wink (I’M TALKING ABOUT MY BONER!!!! HA!!!)) but Michelle Bachmann… she’s just someone I’d like to poo on (a SILTPO, that is).

  26. rev_matt_y

    [re=147512]Terry[/re]: Not all of use male wonketters find Palin/Bachman/whatever crazy chick they find next to be teh hottness. Some of us have taste and standards. Though not in political commentary, obviously.

  27. nurple

    Keep your chins up, friends. There is so much more to come. We await the public snit/freak out, at least one talking-head storm-off, more embarrasing fancritters doing crazy things, and many, many Armani…

  28. Woodwards Friend

    I hope shit blames her comments on compact fluorescent light bulbs. The mercury made her go natters.

  29. OzoneTom

    [re=147512]Terry[/re], [re=147538]Tommy Says Soooo[/re]: And each other! Don’t forget that fantasy.

  30. freakishlystrong

    [re=147563]facehead[/re]: Yeah, but if her mouth was open, and you’re dick wasn’t in it, you’d have to listen to that voice…

  31. Palin-Plumber2012

    [re=147502]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: Haha yeah. Her apology will consist of, “Last week, I made some comments that were divisive and accusing Americans who do not share my view of treason. BUT I believe Jesus is my savior, so joke’s on you, later sinners.”

  32. problemwithcaring

    [re=147576]magic titty[/re]: I’d rather get a yeasty vag than get head from her…though it’s prolly a two-fer.

  33. Gopherit

    [re=147563]facehead[/re]: She’s not my favorite , but she definitely has shades of Kitty.

    And so, bring in the next one!

  34. AnnieGetYourFun

    [re=147546]SayItWithWookies[/re]: You’re starting to rub off on me. So to speak.

    [re=147512]Terry[/re]: To be fair, I do lust after Keith Olbermann and Chris Buckley in what is an apparent display of a major daddy issue.

  35. Gopherit

    [re=147582]grendel[/re]:schadenfreudeurysm. Hahaha! Thanks grendel! That’s gonna be a bitch to type, but it fits this week so well.

  36. MoodProcessor

    I’m fully expecting the standard narcissist apology,

    “I’m sorry you guys are so pissed off.”

  37. queeraselvis v 2.0

    [re=147477]shellbomber[/re]: Pffft. You want the sun, the moon, and the rest of the planets.

  38. magic titty

    [re=147586]problemwithcaring[/re]: I didnt say I wanted it. Because she skeeves me. But I still think she’d offer it.

  39. nurple

    In triumph today I am blasting Tchaikovsky’s 5th in my cubicle. An ancient Melodiya recording. The track list loads in Cyrillic on Real Player.

  40. The Church of Realism

    [re=147554]Styrofoam Boots[/re]: Ugh, I just threw up in my mouth a little bit. I’ve got images of her asking if shes doing it right and Matthews going HA! over and over…ewwwwww

  41. nurple

    Church: the icky thing would be Matthews and Scarborough and the other guys talking about it afterwards, icky locker-room style, because they all want to be with each other more than the ladies.

  42. Styrofoam Boots

    [re=147608]magic titty[/re]: Don’t lie. That gaping black hole of right-wing fantasies coming towards your junk—teeth bared. Who wouldn’t want that?

  43. Styrofoam Boots

    [re=147630]The Church of Realism[/re]: 10 bucks says by the end of it Matthews donkey punches her.

  44. The Church of Realism

    [re=147644]Styrofoam Boots[/re]: And she bites his dick off, a perfectly funny ending. HA

    Off topic, but I want to start a petition to officially change Rudi G’s name to Rusty Thrombone.

  45. fuckinredneck

    [re=147498]Carrie_Okie[/re]: I’d hit it with an imaginary black assailant.

    FUN FACT: 90% of imaginary crimes are committed by imaginary black people.

  46. magic titty

    [re=147656]The Church of Realism[/re]: Your avatar combined with your snark have won you this round, friend.

  47. magic titty

    [re=147639]Styrofoam Boots[/re]: I couldnt get a hopey with a thing like that coming towards me.

  48. Lascauxcaveman

    [re=147494]Serolf Divad[/re]: Not where I’m goin’ she ain’t.

    [re=147512]Terry[/re]: Oh woman, that’s just gross! (and actually, I was just joking. Although brunette and dangerous-crazy is my type. Just ask Mrs. Caveman.)

  49. edgydrifter

    Since nobody above has done so, I declare a Bachmanalia–a weekend of lust and nuttiness made worse by heavy drinking and prescription medication abuse. Let the mirth begin!

  50. Naked Bunny with a Whip

    after daily doses of such standard Bachmannia for the last two years

    You’re forgetting that the American electorate has the attention span of a caffeine-and-sugar crazed two-year-old retard.

  51. econdave

    [re=147476]Serolf Divad[/re]: When you wrote about Michelle going up to Barry on her knees, that didn’t finish like I thought it would.

    But it does allow me to make a Spinal Tap reference:

    Yeah, just simple lines intertwining, you know very much like, I’m really influenced by
    Mozart and Bach(mann), it’s sort of inbetween those, really, it’s like a Mach piece really, it’s…

    What do you call this?

    Well, this piece is called “Lick My Love Pump”.

  52. aleks

    Much as I’d prefer Twinkleburger as a representative and human being, Bachmann performs an invaluable service by saying what Republicans really think.

  53. Rush

    Dear Barry, democrats, people who live in cities, colored folks and anyone outside Wasilla, I am sorry I called you satan.

  54. edgydrifter

    [re=148142]earthadellic[/re]: Ah yes, the good old “I’m sorry if anyone was offended” passive nonapology. Classic.

  55. josereyes.theroof

    Crazier even than the Bachman family I knew. One of whom was a Shelly (short for Michelle).

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