apocalypse now

National Review Ladies Having BFF Breakup!!!

Kathleen Parker, a famous conservative person at the National Review who TRAITOROUSLY has some doubts about Sarah Palin, has received tens of thousands of wingnut e-mails from NR readers advising her to be retroactively aborted. And after Parker’s latest syndicated column, which appears on National Review Online today, she will probably get an additional 450 million e-mails telling her to simply die. One of these will probably come from NRO editor Kathryn Jean Lopez, who has posted a catty response to Parker’s column on the Corner in which she promises to kill Parker after the election. So let’s explore Parker’s column about how John McCain picked Sarah Palin just so he could fuck her, and the resulting denouement.

In a column called “Tragic Flaw: John McCain, man,” Parker opens by stating that both her husband and a random 75-year-old man with whom she was drinking wine (HMM?) have confessed that they want to fuck the shit out of Sarah Palin.

This sentiment has been echoed on NRO itself, most famously by the creep who runs the magazine.

Parker adds a new “wrinkle” to this trend among pathetic conservative males by extrapolating that John McCain, too, wants to hit that, and how better to woo a lady than offering her the vice presidency and $150,000 worth of fancy threads?

As [Robert] Draper tells it, McCain took Palin to his favorite coffee-drinking spot down by a creek and a sycamore tree. They talked for more than an hour, and, as Napoleon whispered to Josephine, ‘Voila’

One does not have to be a psychoanalyst to reckon that McCain was smitten. By no means am I suggesting anything untoward between McCain and his running mate. Palin is a governor, after all. She does have an executive resume, if a thin one. And she’s a natural politician who connects with people.

But there can be no denying that McCain’s selection of her over others far more qualified — and his mind-boggling lack of attention to details that matter — suggests other factors at work. His judgment may have been clouded by … what?

… Clouded by the fact that he had had a RAGING BONER FOR OVER AN HOUR by that creek and had to quick offer her the job so that he could run inside, to the bathroom.

Ha ha, so gross, but DO NOT DENY that John McCain, somewhere in the back or front of his mind — whichever part still works — envisions a scenario in which he takes a couple of his precious Ambien and then goes after Palin like a zombie, arms stretched out to her chest, barking, “let’s see ‘em, HENNNGHHH?”

Kathleen Parker’s column is so awesome and totally makes up for that insanely racist thing she wrote earlier this year.

Some ironically powerful idiot, however, has not found it so awesome:

Monica?! [Kathryn Jean Lopez]

Because I know some of you are understandably and sensibly wondering WHY?: We’re running our roster of syndicated columns through the election. Period. So that’s why we published one today that is embarrassing and outrageous.

10/24 08:41 AM

Aww! She’s gonna fire Kathleen Parker. AND THEY USED TO BE SUCH BEST FRIENDS!!! Remember that delightful repartee they had on the morning of Barack Obama’s Berlin speech? THEY LOVED EACH OTHER SO MUCH THEN!

Ha ha, conservative ladies.

Tragic Flaw [National Review]
Monica?! [The Corner]

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About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell

Hola wonkerados.

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81 comments

  1. queeraselvis v 2.0

    Must. resist. image. of. WALNUTS! and GLASSES! copulating. like. rabid. lemurs.

    Fuck. FAIL.

  2. AnnieGetYourFun

    Wow, that was a great article. Kind of sad that you can’t accept a dissenting voice at all at a publication like that. I mean, shit, I don’t bitch at Slate for publishing whats-his-face, that British drunken git.

  3. coolcatdaddy

    Palin’s every hard core conservative male’s dream babe.

    Curvy figure with adequately big boobs? Check.
    Drank the Conservative philosophy Kool Aid and doesn’t ask too many pesky questions? Check.
    Not too bright and won’t try to make him look dumb? Check.
    Vindictive bitch that will claw the eyes out of anyone in your way? Check.
    Enjoys having sex and popping out babies? Double check.

    McCain’s biggest mistake wasn’t getting Jeff Gannon as a running mate. Then he wouldn’t have gotten the conservative closet homosexual vote to put him over the top. So to speak.

  4. NoWireHangers

    A healthy hatred of liberals is the only thing that keeps conservatives from killing themselves.

  5. magic titty

    You know what I love about Newell: I can always tell when he wrote the story. That’s the best compliment a writer can get. Good work, Jim.

  6. chaste everywhere

    Well, at least they didn’t choose Ashley T. for her looks. She made it on brains, guts, and a heart of gold.

  7. nurple

    I have NEVER found her appealing. Maybe its the voice. And I’m no stranger to the 40+ genre. Maybe they all need a Sela Ward/Allison Janney/Marg Helgenberger voice. That Nicole Sullivan “Nu-uh!” girl voice is so horrible. I think she only appeals to dudes whose Moms used to storm into their rooms at inopportune times, Estelle-Costanza-like.

  8. SayItWithWookies

    [re=147363]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: Or Mickey Kaus, who spends his time ragging on every insignificant detail of Democrats’ flaws. He pisses me off more than Hitchens does.

    Ah, but this is good. The Permanent Republican Majority goes down like a cheap hooker on a Saturday night. I wish I had some popcorn.

  9. problemwithcaring

    Educated women, gay, and Blackie Republitards deserve all the shit they get. That means you Gen. Powell.

  10. Borat

    Sure sure, but what’s Snowbilly’s point of view on the subject? It’s not fair and balanced unless we know what she did, and if it involved winking and walnuts. Does she see starbursts when McCranky talks?


  11. Post author
    Jim Newell

    [re=147371]magic titty[/re]: Haha, you can tell because mine are the ones with juvenile jokes about masturbation and poop. But thank you.

  12. FMA

    [re=147385]SayItWithWookies[/re]: I hate to send this off on a tangent, but I’ve tried to read that Kaus jag-off and to describe his bleatings as incoherent is about the nice as you can get. How the fuck did he ever get that job?

  13. Rosalindavenue

    SayItWithWookies: God, A-MEN on Kaus. I used to actually read him and like him when he had his own free-standing site… now he’s 100 times worse than Hitchens.

  14. lenorecutie

    in which he takes a couple of his precious Ambien and then goes after Palin like a zombie, arms stretched out to her chest, barking, “let’s see ‘em, HENNNGHHH?”

    NOT OKAY! Dude, so not cool to put that image in my head. Ewwww….

  15. gjdodger

    Remember how Bill Maher always used to have one winger gal on his panel on his old show, “Politically Incorrect”? The winger would huff in outrageous indignation while Bill’s assortment of show biz types, drugged out rockers and gay comedians would belittle her, and the audience would laugh uproariously. Man, them were the good old days, before Bush ordered the World Trade Center bombing.

  16. Iggy Plop

    like rats in a shrinking cage, they’re turning on each other. it’s going to be a very nice ride to election day.

  17. totoro

    The GOP campaign has become like one of those failed arctic expeditions where the survivors start killing each other and sucking the marrow from each other’s still-warm femurs. Fantastic.

    If Lopez wants to show umbrage she should ask Lowry about how awesome Ms. Winky’s winking is, and ask about all those creepy disgusting grits in oversized sports jersies who keep telling Winky that she’s “hot” at her rope lines. Parker is just citing the elephant/boner in the room.

  18. facehead

    The best part of this was that I thought you were just making it up.

    Maybe McCain will call 911 about his crappy choice of VP.

  19. problemwithcaring

    [re=147371]magic titty[/re]: See, with all the boner talk, I thought it was Sarah. But I am learning!

  20. Sproutz

    Yeah, but old men don’t get actual boners.

    They probably get conceptual boners though.

    He probably has a permanent left cheek boner instead.

  21. MoodProcessor

    It’s pretty obvious, as he can’t keep his eyes off of her ass.
    I guess this brings new meaning to the phrase “Tapped as the VP candidate.”
    And it’s been right there for us to see all along. I wonder if he told her he’d “make her famous.”

  22. AnnieGetYourFun

    [re=147401]Jim Newell[/re]: Actually, I have to say, Jim, you are really coming into your own as of late. Early on, I never paid attention to who was writing what, but now I love that I get three different flavors of writing BEFORE I even get to the comments. It’s like Neaopolitan icecream. You can be strawberry, if you like.

  23. Sproutz

    He can’t seem to keep his eyes off Obama’s ass either, and apparently has to restrain his hands as well, as evinced in the infamous Monster Tongue Picture.

  24. CrabtreesBludgeon

    [re=147358]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: Ohh. URP. So much for lunch. Please pass the brain bleach and the steel wool!

  25. rev_matt_y

    [re=147420]gjdodger[/re]: Still does it, it’s on HBO and called Real Time. It’s a much better show now, since they can speak openly about things like gay sex and casual drug use. And that’s just Ted Haggard.

    And he still tries to get at least one winger on the panel every week. Some are more credible than others, of course.

  26. bitchincamaro

    [re=147344]echoman2000[/re] & PresB: All GOP FAILS must be submitted by 8 p.m. EST, November 4, without exception. Prepare to reap the whirlwind.

  27. Musicat

    It was hard not to notice Walnut’s eyeballs GLUED to Palin’s yummy, yummy thighs during her responses at their Brian Williams interview yesterday. His expression, somewhere between a leer and an evil smirk glued to his face, pretty much said it all!

  28. Gopherit

    So, a republican woman invokes Bros before Hos, and another repub woman gets pissy? Who woulda thunk it?

  29. Terry

    “… Clouded by the fact that he had had a RAGING BONER FOR OVER AN HOUR by that creek and had to quick offer her the job so that he could run inside, to the bathroom.”

    The man is like 100 years old and has a prostate the size of a grapefruit. First, he ain’t running nowhere. Second, boners are a thing of the ancient past for him. Third, his frequent trips to the bathroom are to try and pee.

  30. hunglikejesus

    Sour grapes. When was the last time Kathleen Porker gave anyone a chubby? She’s been putting on the pounds lately. Left or right, never underestimate a fat girl’s unspoken loathing for the “skinny chick”.

    …or, for that matter, her sublimated desire to be fondled, chokeslammed and carved up with a plastic spork at the hands of Mandingo.

  31. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    So that’s why we published one today that is embarrassing and outrageous.

    Wait, there has been an article published by National Review that hasn’t been embarrassing and outrageous? I want proof!

  32. gjdodger

    [re=147462]rev_matt_y[/re]: There just aren’t any funny wingers. They had Cal Thomas on there once, and he was your proverbial Fart in Church. All the zingers that get ‘em roaring at the Right To Life Conventions were met with utter…stone…silence. Their main problem is that everything they think is funny usually involves somebody else’s misfortune. Although, come to think of it, that also describes us!

  33. StrangelyBrown

    Just scan the front page of NRO Corner (as quickly as possible) and get a load of how many of them are complaining about colds and/or other sicknesses today. Is our Wonkette Biological Warfare Program finally paying dividends?

  34. dmac

    Ha, ha, if I edited a site and a writer submitted a story to me that I found “embarrassing,” I would have a slightly different solution to it other than passive-aggressively ranting on my website’s blog: I wouldn’t run it.

    Geeze, the election is still a week or so away; Barack Obama hasn’t forced to run anything as part of his secret Islamo-socialist agenda yet. Period.

  35. picardia

    Even though I know Hillary Clinton still must loathe Obama for stealing the glory that was “rightfully hers,” down deep she must be luxuriating in the warm glow of the GOP’s conflagration.

  36. sarahconnor

    I believe it was Proust, or David Lynch, but then again perhaps Neil Young, who wrote:

    Be on my side, I’ll be on your side… etc., etc., usw., usf…

    Down by the sycamore tree (by the creek)
    I shot my running mate!

  37. slappypaddy

    “One does not have to be a psychoanalyst to reckon that McCain was smitten.”

    Suspected as much from the get-go, with the way he was fucking his wedding band with his ring finger when he trotted this trollope out for all to admire.

  38. accidental_tourist

    Regarding the Palin VP pick – don’t remember which Wonketeer said it as it was a few weeks ago, but he/she nailed it:

    He meant to call and ask her out but got carried away.

  39. robanybody

    Don’t make me think about it! Don’t make me envision sagging man boobs and moose calls, bulging eyes and high-pitched urgings to stand tall and $900 sweat rags and VPILFie pillow talk and short hairs caught in glasses and that final desperate squeal: “JEEEEBBBBBUSSSS.” No no no no no. Oh damn. My weekend is ruined. I had this romantic thing all planned, but now I think I’ll just go bowling.

  40. ChuckWood

    John the Hugger really does get those arms around the Governatrix, placing his palms directly on her kidneys in a full body polar bear grip. That would put her boobs approximately in line with the descendant flow of his neck-flab, which may or may not be a sensitive area for McCain.

    Whether or not he wants to have sex with her is a mystery, although I say there’s about a 74% chance that she has a massive vagina, which should shield him from any small penis jokes if anything ever comes out in the “MSM” about this disgusting premise.

  41. SulkyGirl

    If my husband even hinted that he was attracted to that empty-headed vixen, the only person I’d be telling would be my divorce lawyer. Don’t these females know that bitching about Palin only encourages her?

  42. Oh hell to the no

    Speaking of Palin, why would another hockey team invite her to drop the puck? St. Louis is no Philly but I hope they give it their best booing shot.

  43. aleks

    I’ve said since he picked Palin, if I knew I was gonna lose big anyway I’d use the campaign to pick up girls too.

  44. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    [re=147401]Jim Newell[/re]: So I’m not the only one who now calls masturbation “reading some Newell”?

  45. S.Luggo

    Parker has it all wrong. It’s more of father/daughter secret incest thing, with Cindy in ccmplicity. Besides, that will make for a far better HBO movie after the election.

  46. WithMySFValues

    After the train wreck of a veep candidate that Palin turned out to be, she at least owes McCain breakup sex after the election night loss.

  47. Special Agent Jack Mehoff

    “Discounting the future,’ as the condition is called, means preferring immediate, lesser rewards to greater rewards in the future.”

    “Drug dealers, car salesmen and politicians rely on this affliction and pray feverishly for its persistence.”

    HA HA! She said drug dealers, car salesmen and politicians pray!

  48. josereyes.theroof

    Hopefully, Cindy — & Todd (Palin… so as not to be confused with Cut-Nut) — wanted & got pre-nup.

  49. nopantsboy

    Highest paid employee in the McCain campaign is Palin’s make up artist!! how much freaking lipstick does a bulldog needs???

  50. disgustedcitizen

    [re=147378]nurple[/re]: I’m with you. I, too, like a good looking woman, but I wouldn’t fuck that skank with with WALNUTS!’s dick.

  51. Texas2Step

    [re=147366]coolcatdaddy[/re]: Yup. She’s every straight male Republican’s wet dream: a hot babe with a gun.

  52. recharged95

    Geez, we all knew back when he selected her, that *he knew* Barry was going to win. He was like-”if I’m going to lose sleep, eat bad, speak lies, and pretend to like people on a losing campaign, well I’m going to party at least”.

    He was selecting not a veep, but a consolation prize to bypass the time, either by watching her on TV (all done’up!) or in person (aka ‘wandering eyes’).

    If I was in the same losing situation (Bush killed the party), I’d pick the same route too. You all would…

    Classic.

Comments are closed.